Anonymous
Post 04/19/2021 22:13     Subject: Imposing relatives on MY birthday
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?


LOL. The text above reads more like it was written by a 16 year old than a 40 year old. Seriously? This sounds incredibly childish. Think long term. Is it worth damaging any future family relationships over your behavior here? Just be gracious, smile and say thank you. All lessons that some of us missed in elementary school. You can do your low key celebration the week before. Pretend like you care about DH and his family. It's hard but helps keep a marriage whole.

Yeah, I know....but what about me, me, me, the posters sing in chorus.


Really?

I think there must be some trolls on here. I can’t believe anyone would happily not only give up their vacation but also burn through their PTO for this.

She’s had a stressful year and was looking forward to taking a vacation. Her husband canceled it. You’d just smile and say “Thanks honey!”



Anonymous
Post 04/19/2021 22:09     Subject: Imposing relatives on MY birthday
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?


LOL. The text above reads more like it was written by a 16 year old than a 40 year old. Seriously? This sounds incredibly childish. Think long term. Is it worth damaging any future family relationships over your behavior here? Just be gracious, smile and say thank you. All lessons that some of us missed in elementary school. You can do your low key celebration the week before. Pretend like you care about DH and his family. It's hard but helps keep a marriage whole.

Yeah, I know....but what about me, me, me, the posters sing in chorus.


Sounds like she has limited PTO, and doing something a different week isn't an option. Some of us have to carefully budget and plan our PTO. And all giving in does is show she is a doormat to whatever her DH wants, and he can steamroll his way all under the guise of it being "for OP". I don't see where that makes for a healthy relationship, either.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2021 22:08     Subject: Imposing relatives on MY birthday
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Backbone or not, if OP bails on this she will significantly damage her relationship with her in-laws. She might not care. But go in to blowing it up understanding what will happen.

I agree this is on DH, but ultimately, DH will not take the fall. OP will.


Or if she goes it will damage the relationship. Things will come to a head.


Agreed. I really think she needs to stand up for herself for her own mental health. If anything this shows that her husband does not have her back and is apathetic to her needs. She’s been working a lot so this is probably the first time in awhile this has become so blatantly obvious. It’s a tough pill to swallow.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2021 22:03     Subject: Imposing relatives on MY birthday
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Stand your ground OP! Do not use all your PTO on his family reunion.

In case you don’t hear this enough, I just wanted to say that you matter. Your needs matter and your wants matter too.


She literally has people flying in to see her but is to selfish to recognize that.


Please. They’re flying in to see her husband and children.

These are her inlaws, they’re polite to each other but they don’t get along well and they kind of drive her crazy. Her husband knows this. What happened is her husband wanted to plan a trip to see his family. Unfortunately his vacation time was tied up with OP’s Florida trip. He tried to be manipulative and passive aggressive by deciding to cancel their vacation so he could have his family reunion and call it a birthday party. This is cruel abd wrong on so many levels.

Anonymous
Post 04/19/2021 22:02     Subject: Imposing relatives on MY birthday
Anonymous wrote:Backbone or not, if OP bails on this she will significantly damage her relationship with her in-laws. She might not care. But go in to blowing it up understanding what will happen.

I agree this is on DH, but ultimately, DH will not take the fall. OP will.


Or if she goes it will damage the relationship. Things will come to a head.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2021 21:53     Subject: Imposing relatives on MY birthday
Anonymous wrote:
Stand your ground OP! Do not use all your PTO on his family reunion.

In case you don’t hear this enough, I just wanted to say that you matter. Your needs matter and your wants matter too.


She literally has people flying in to see her but is to selfish to recognize that.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2021 21:52     Subject: Imposing relatives on MY birthday
Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?


LOL. The text above reads more like it was written by a 16 year old than a 40 year old. Seriously? This sounds incredibly childish. Think long term. Is it worth damaging any future family relationships over your behavior here? Just be gracious, smile and say thank you. All lessons that some of us missed in elementary school. You can do your low key celebration the week before. Pretend like you care about DH and his family. It's hard but helps keep a marriage whole.

Yeah, I know....but what about me, me, me, the posters sing in chorus.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2021 21:49     Subject: Imposing relatives on MY birthday
Backbone or not, if OP bails on this she will significantly damage her relationship with her in-laws. She might not care. But go in to blowing it up understanding what will happen.

I agree this is on DH, but ultimately, DH will not take the fall. OP will.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2021 21:47     Subject: Imposing relatives on MY birthday

Stand your ground OP! Do not use all your PTO on his family reunion.

In case you don’t hear this enough, I just wanted to say that you matter. Your needs matter and your wants matter too.

Anonymous
Post 04/19/2021 21:40     Subject: Imposing relatives on MY birthday
Birthday or not, if my DH planned a week-long family reunion where we are all on top of each other in the same house, overriding a previously planned vacation, after the year we have had? No way. I would absolutely burn it down over that.
This is 100% on your DH, OP. He needs to fix it. We had one of these "family reunion weeks" that I agreed to, but my DH promised that certain things would happen (I'd get a little time to myself, all the childcare, meal prep, and cleanup responsibility wouldn't be on me, etc), and then he totally dropped the ball...and it was one of the biggest fights we've ever had...but there are other issues in our marriage, and it was just another example of the fact that I always come in last as far as he's concerned.. I'm assuming this isn't the first time your DH has tried to override you, is it?
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2021 18:15     Subject: Imposing relatives on MY birthday
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:While I agree with you that no vacation plans should have been made with your direct input and knowledge, I do have to say that adults who use terms like "the big 4-0" and make a big fuss over ***MY bIrthDaY*** are so annoying. Like, shut up, adult birthdays are truly not a big deal.

Myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy birthdayyyyyyyyyyyyy adults are just the worst. Nobody cares. Get over yourself.


This! Get over it.


x1000


Great! You two can use a week of PTO to hang out in a house in WV cleaning up after your inlaws. Hopefully, OP grows a backbone and says no.

After the year I’ve had I cannot imagine just accepting that DH unilaterally cancelled the vacation I was looking forward to and wants to burn through my PTO at the same time.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2021 18:13     Subject: Imposing relatives on MY birthday
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is crazy, I hope you know that you just destroyed your relationship with your husband's entire family. Over your stupid birthday. I cannot get over adult women acting like babies over their birthdays.


OP said she wouldn't even want to spend a few hours with her in laws, much less a week as a "birthday surprise". There's no way her husband doesn't already know this. The issue is definitely not the birthday.


Agree, more is going on here in this marriage than just the weeklong vacation.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2021 18:12     Subject: Imposing relatives on MY birthday
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I hope OP returns and tells us if DH knew about the week in WV.


DH confessed that he was involved in the planning, this was supposed to be a surprise. 'It's so hard to get everyone together, we can go to Florida any time'.

I told him I am taking DCs and going to FL to celebrate my day. If he wants to come - great. If he'd rather spend time with his parents and siblings - fine too. I don't get a ton of leave, I am a frontline worker. Once a year I want my birthday to be about ME, not about someone else's feelings.



If my spouse planned a birthday party for me and people spent a lot of money making it happen, it would be world war 3 in my house if I refused to show up. I wouldn't do that to my spouse, but if I did, it would not go over at all.


Except this is not a surprise birthday party her husband is planning, which would be one event, one evening. This is a family vacation the MIL and co. are planning without consulting the OP, sabotaging pre-existing plans and the DH is refusing to set boundaries with his family of origin. The fact that it happens to be around OP’s birthday just gives the MIL a cover for what is clearly a manipulative act.


It sounds to me like something DH planned. It’s possible that the in laws were asked to participate in a vacation in OP’s honor and spent time and money to do that. I don’t think we have enough information here to think the in laws are at fault at all...it’s all on DH.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2021 18:08     Subject: Imposing relatives on MY birthday
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:While I agree with you that no vacation plans should have been made with your direct input and knowledge, I do have to say that adults who use terms like "the big 4-0" and make a big fuss over ***MY bIrthDaY*** are so annoying. Like, shut up, adult birthdays are truly not a big deal.

Myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy birthdayyyyyyyyyyyyy adults are just the worst. Nobody cares. Get over yourself.


This! Get over it.


x1000
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2021 18:01     Subject: Imposing relatives on MY birthday
Anonymous wrote:who the hell would want to spend a week in West Virginia? What the hell will they do all week. Sorry for my ignorance, but what is there to do?


My guess it’s cheap to rent a house and the husband wanted a big place to host his family reunion. I’m so angry on OP’s behalf. What a jackass.