We had a somewhat similar situation but stepmom did not put any time limits on us and dad was not wealthy. He valued a peaceful household and that did include helping his wife’s family until he retired. After he retired, he could not afford plane tickets to visit us. We had a choice of buying 4 plane tickets and paying for lodging and a rental car since they no longer owned a home or buying him a ticket to visit us. He was happy to fly to visit us since that cost less. His wife was probably glad to have a few weeks break from him. She was also compassionate enough, by then, to know that he needed to spend time with his own family. She had health issues and did not want to fly with him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to fly to visit your dad for Christmas since he is in the Midwest? If they say your Christmas Day visit is 12 to 2 then are you staying at a hotel and renting a car just to spend 2 hours with them. That sounds crazy. Why bother doing that? Why bother visiting at all? He must be very confident that the second family will take care of him, should his wife pass, and he gets to the point where he needs some help.

OP sounds unhinged so it could be part of the reason why he is so nice to the stepchildren. He’s known them for 20 years so this isn’t a new thing.

There’s someone here that is unhinged and it’s not OP.

+2

People who don’t experience it have no clue what it’s like, as with everything in life. Wait until your mom and dad divorce, or one passes away and you gain a stepparent. Different ballgame.

I think OP sounds like a self-absorbed jerk and I’ve had a stepmom and stepdad since I was 2 years old. Not the person who called OP “unhinged” but I do think OP sounds like it’s all about the money/perks and she doesn’t really want to spend time with dear old dad.

Not getting that vibe at all. Also wouldn’t call someone a self absorbed jerk with so little info to go on, so there’s that indicator of your character.

Darn autocorrect

Not yourself, but others

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to fly to visit your dad for Christmas since he is in the Midwest? If they say your Christmas Day visit is 12 to 2 then are you staying at a hotel and renting a car just to spend 2 hours with them. That sounds crazy. Why bother doing that? Why bother visiting at all? He must be very confident that the second family will take care of him, should his wife pass, and he gets to the point where he needs some help.

OP sounds unhinged so it could be part of the reason why he is so nice to the stepchildren. He’s known them for 20 years so this isn’t a new thing.

There’s someone here that is unhinged and it’s not OP.

+2

People who don’t experience it have no clue what it’s like, as with everything in life. Wait until your mom and dad divorce, or one passes away and you gain a stepparent. Different ballgame.

I think OP sounds like a self-absorbed jerk and I’ve had a stepmom and stepdad since I was 2 years old. Not the person who called OP “unhinged” but I do think OP sounds like it’s all about the money/perks and she doesn’t really want to spend time with dear old dad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to fly to visit your dad for Christmas since he is in the Midwest? If they say your Christmas Day visit is 12 to 2 then are you staying at a hotel and renting a car just to spend 2 hours with them. That sounds crazy. Why bother doing that? Why bother visiting at all? He must be very confident that the second family will take care of him, should his wife pass, and he gets to the point where he needs some help.

OP sounds unhinged so it could be part of the reason why he is so nice to the stepchildren. He’s known them for 20 years so this isn’t a new thing.

There’s someone here that is unhinged and it’s not OP.

+2

People who don’t experience it have no clue what it’s like, as with everything in life. Wait until your mom and dad divorce, or one passes away and you gain a stepparent. Different ballgame.

+1000

I feel like lately there are a few people in particular that are making a point of posting derogatory comments toward the OP on situations they’ve not experienced (e.g. don’t have kids but posting repeated anti-adult kid messages, anti-step kids messages). So much better to post if you actually had constructive feedback to add. If you find yourself tearing yourself down repeatedly on here, consider seeing a therapist to work it out in more constructive ways.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to fly to visit your dad for Christmas since he is in the Midwest? If they say your Christmas Day visit is 12 to 2 then are you staying at a hotel and renting a car just to spend 2 hours with them. That sounds crazy. Why bother doing that? Why bother visiting at all? He must be very confident that the second family will take care of him, should his wife pass, and he gets to the point where he needs some help.

OP sounds unhinged so it could be part of the reason why he is so nice to the stepchildren. He’s known them for 20 years so this isn’t a new thing.

There’s someone here that is unhinged and it’s not OP.

+2

People who don’t experience it have no clue what it’s like, as with everything in life. Wait until your mom and dad divorce, or one passes away and you gain a stepparent. Different ballgame.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to fly to visit your dad for Christmas since he is in the Midwest? If they say your Christmas Day visit is 12 to 2 then are you staying at a hotel and renting a car just to spend 2 hours with them. That sounds crazy. Why bother doing that? Why bother visiting at all? He must be very confident that the second family will take care of him, should his wife pass, and he gets to the point where he needs some help.

OP sounds unhinged so it could be part of the reason why he is so nice to the stepchildren. He’s known them for 20 years so this isn’t a new thing.

There’s someone here that is unhinged and it’s not OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to fly to visit your dad for Christmas since he is in the Midwest? If they say your Christmas Day visit is 12 to 2 then are you staying at a hotel and renting a car just to spend 2 hours with them. That sounds crazy. Why bother doing that? Why bother visiting at all? He must be very confident that the second family will take care of him, should his wife pass, and he gets to the point where he needs some help.

OP sounds unhinged so it could be part of the reason why he is so nice to the stepchildren. He’s known them for 20 years so this isn’t a new thing.

Troll. She doesn’t sound unhinged at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is often that women take care of organizing things like this. Thus she will organize trips with her kids, but probably doesn’t feel it’s her place to organize a trip with his kids.

A really kind and thoughtful stepmother would encourage and help plan vacations with his children and their families, too.

Thanks for creating more emotional labor for women. The husband can do it if he wants to. It’s his children.

Exactly. It’s not her responsibility to manage and better his relationships with his children.

I hope you don’t believe that for stepmothers of minor children, because that’s a real Cinderella scenario. “Oh, it’s not my job to do anything for his kids! I have my own kids to look out for. His kids come second.”

Wait, so a stepmom is obliged to do her stepkids’ laundry, cook them meals, and supervise their homework? Good luck managing that. People love to impose responsibilities on stepmothers but if a stepmom ever tries to discipline the stepkids, it becomes “not your business”. You can’t have it both ways.

I mean, yes obviously. If the kids are there in the house what’s she going to do — cook dinner for her own kids and not her stepkids? The fact you even types that makes me really, really hope you aren’t a stepmother.

+1 There are some very self-centered posters on this thread.

I think it’s a combo:
1) women plan these things and she naturally wants to spend more time with her kids than her stepkids.
2) men do tend to forget about their prior family when they remarry.
3) Dad has specific maybe even justifiable reasons to avoid spending time with or money on OP and siblings.

OP, if you are paying for airfares, lodging, car rentals etc... then just visit, every 2 to 4 years, but not at Christmas. Just make sure that your dad can spend a few days, doing things with your family, since his wife can only tolerate short visits. Send cards and call occasionally and be cordial. You have to accept what you can not change and you can not change them. Your dad may apologize for neglecting his first family, someday, or he may not, but at least you will know that you did your best to have a relationship with him, under very difficult circumstances.

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to fly to visit your dad for Christmas since he is in the Midwest? If they say your Christmas Day visit is 12 to 2 then are you staying at a hotel and renting a car just to spend 2 hours with them. That sounds crazy. Why bother doing that? Why bother visiting at all? He must be very confident that the second family will take care of him, should his wife pass, and he gets to the point where he needs some help.

OP sounds unhinged so it could be part of the reason why he is so nice to the stepchildren. He’s known them for 20 years so this isn’t a new thing.

Do you have to fly to visit your dad for Christmas since he is in the Midwest? If they say your Christmas Day visit is 12 to 2 then are you staying at a hotel and renting a car just to spend 2 hours with them. That sounds crazy. Why bother doing that? Why bother visiting at all? He must be very confident that the second family will take care of him, should his wife pass, and he gets to the point where he needs some help.

Anonymous wrote:This feels like the kind of thing that narcissists do, charming the new acquaintances and spending all the effort/time/money on them. After all, you've already "got"your family, and they probably know you too well to be completely charmed.

This! The dad does not feel the need to impress his own kids with vacations. He is trying to impress and court his wife and her family. OP should not just focus on who will get dad’s money. She should talk with him about what happens if he ends up on his own. Does he expect that the new family will help him when he needs more help or does he just expect OP and her siblings to pop back into the role of being his main family and help him when needed? Some men like this end up alone in their final days.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After reading OP’s follow ups I wonder why she wants to go on vacation with her dad at all. Sounds like she doesn’t like dad much more than stepmom.

It’s not about the vacation, it’s about wanting her father to care enough to cultivate a relationship with her and consider her along the same level as his step kids.

Relationships are a two way street and, as I said, sounds like she doesn’t like him much.

Doesn’t sound that way to me.