Anonymous
Post 01/21/2021 19:07     Subject: I know this is completely unethical
OP - you are getting some bad advice on this forum. Lawyer here. Regardless of how terrible this person is, if you have this baby, he has rights as a parent whether you move out of state or not. He can ask a court in the state where you move to make you take a paternity test. If he establishes paternity, he will have a right to visitation. You will have a right to child support. You can of course bring into evidence any abuse you have suffered at his hand and the court will take this into consideration when determining any visitation (i.e., you could ask for it to be supervised if you show he has abused you). But child custody and visitation rights are determined based on the best interests of the child, and courts tend to think that visitation with the non-custodial parent is in the best interests of a child. If you intend to have the baby, get a lawyer who can explain your rights and the father’s rights to you.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2021 09:04     Subject: I know this is completely unethical
At 39 aborting and hoping for another pregnancy very risky.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2021 09:03     Subject: I know this is completely unethical
Quickly marry someone else. Children born within a marriage are considered children of the marriage regardless of the DNA. And whatever you do don’t move to a liberal state. People are right — judges will rule for the dad if there is no other dad.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2021 10:06     Subject: Re:I know this is completely unethical
OP get him out of the picture completely. Yes tell him you lost it and you're breaking up with him due to him being an abusive cheater. Don't tell him where you're going, and live your life. This guy isn't interested in you and won't pursue. In fact, he'll be relieved when you tell him you lost the baby. You'll be doing the child a favor as well. Change your number and contact info. fyi
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2021 11:26     Subject: I know this is completely unethical
Anonymous wrote:Ummmm, this is just wrong on all kinds of levels. Tell him you're pregnant, then move home. I doubt if he'd be interested in the child anyway since he's seemed to have moved on, but not telling him is just wrong and the child will want to know his/her father. Don't make a jacked up situation worse.


Abusers will often control their victims by controlling children and pets. It's one reason why children and pets are part of protective orders. OP's abuser may have moved on in the sense that he's not exclusive with her, but he still seems very much involved with trying to hurt her - and what better way is there to hurt her than to hurt their child. I think she's actually in a lot of danger if she tells him she's pregnant while still living in the same house. You don't know what he might do to her, and to the baby.

OP: You need to talk to a lawyer. ASAP. You need to find out what your legal obligations are with your abuser, and what you can do to protect yourself and your child, assuming you want to keep him or her. I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you must get yourself to safety before he hurts you worse, or hurts your child. Don't make your decisions based on DCUM lawyers. You need a real family lawyer who can tell you your real options. And good luck - this sounds wrenching, and I hope you and your baby come out of it safely.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2021 10:58     Subject: I know this is completely unethical
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Are courts in the habit of allowing men to demand paternity tests from mothers when child support isn't part of the equation?


Also, this is a work of fiction, but I credit OP for a more compelling storyline than the usual Hallmark Romance and Lifetime Mystery reject scripts that get posted here. for that I award you with a B+/A-


Yes. If the man has reason to believe he is the father, he can petition to have paternity established. A friend believed he was the father of a high school gf’s oldest based on appearance and dates. He had no idea because she never told him. There was another man in the picture that was the only dad the little girl knew. Turned out my friend was the bio dad.


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dannielynn_Birkhead
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2021 23:24     Subject: I know this is completely unethical
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:^unless you want your child to inherit something



His family has millions. I don't want anything from him. I come from nothing. I'd rather be safe and away from him.


Yes, you say that now... but millions come in handy, my dear. How about you move back home, and pay for a consultation with a lawyer as soon as you arrive. You have the option of declaring this baby's parentage on the birth certificate, in the hope that due to the distance, visits will be few and far between, and cordial, and that your child's college might be paid for (by the time he goes to college, it might be $80K a year). Or, you might decide that it's best to not declare the father on the certificate...


You don't get to "declare a father" on the birth certificate if the father is not there and you are married.
If he has millions and wants a child and you split, he could easily hire investigators to find out about the birth, and would have no problem pursuing his paternity rights in court. Cleaning up browser history isn't going to stop that. Do what you want, but know that if you have the child he will legally have rights that will be enforceable.

Anonymous
Post 01/16/2021 23:05     Subject: I know this is completely unethical
Ummmm, this is just wrong on all kinds of levels. Tell him you're pregnant, then move home. I doubt if he'd be interested in the child anyway since he's seemed to have moved on, but not telling him is just wrong and the child will want to know his/her father. Don't make a jacked up situation worse.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2021 22:49     Subject: I know this is completely unethical
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe the number of people supporting this plan. OP describes an abusive, controlling man with a lot of money who wants this kid. Does anyone really think she could pull this off without consequences?

OP, eventually this man will find out. When he does, it won't be a matter of sharing custody. It won't matter where he lives. You will lose custody. He will go to court and accuse you of lying and essentially kidnapping his child. And a judge will give him custody and you will be flying back here a handful of times a year for supervised visitation, which is all you will get. Just imagine how you will feel if after 2, 4, 7, or 10 years that child is taken away from you.

You would be insane to consider this. Insane. And that's not even considering the ethical problems.

You have two realistic options:
1. Abort and go about your life. Try a sperm donor if you want a baby now.
2. Go home for a vacation. Call you BF, break up with him, and tell him you're staying where you are. You will either work out a cross-country visitation schedule or he'll sue for custody (he'll have to sue where you have moved) and you'll have to fight in court. He may win, he may not.

That's it. They may be two imperfect choices, but you need to choose the most palatable and follow through. Trying to hide the baby is a truly awful, terrible idea that will bring you a great deal of pain.

Best of luck to you.


I find it really difficult believe a judge would do this with a best interest of the child standard and particularly if the mother had documented ohysical abuse. The most likely outcome is visits for dad, gradually building up to allowing the father to take the child out of state for more extended period. No judge is going to send a child out of state with a man the child has never met before, unless the mom is in jail or incapacitated. It’s not a “which parent acted worse” standard— it’s the best interest of the child.


Oh, you sweet summer child. You really have no idea what you’re talking about. Stop.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2021 22:39     Subject: Re:I know this is completely unethical
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:From what you have said, your child’s father has cheated on you and has been verbally abusive for a few weeks. What on gods earth makes you think this gives you the right to have your shared a child, never tell him, and strip him of all parental rights? you do not get to choose for your child not to know their other parent simply because he has wronged you. And his having been verbally abusive toward you does not change that in anyway. You simply do not have the right to do what you are seeking to do. You have the right unilaterally to have an abortion, which you are choosing not to do. If you have a child it is your collective, joint child. How can you possibly think that this is the right decision? if anything, it shows that you have incredibly bad judgment and I would hope that your child would at least have the benefits of the best parts of you and your former fiancé as parents. and you wouldn’t really have your child need to avoid any social media presence due to your ridiculous decision making? To have to always wonder who his or her dad is? If I were ever to condone someone taking a child away from the child’s other parent, it would only be two to immediate, physical risk to the child, and certainly not several weeks of rubble of abuse toward me combined with my being upset I was cheated on.Honestly, what is wrong with you that you are so self absorbed?



Did you miss the part about him kicking me physically kicking me off of a bed?
I was sitting straight up and he kicked me several times to shove me off the foot of the bed. Maybe in your home you're okay with being verbally and now physically abused but I'm not.


I did not read every posting and no, did not see that. It is also not included in your OP, in which you describe that he has been verbally abusive for a few weeks. Honestly, I don’t believe you are being truthful when you now say he has been physically violent with you. If that is the case, though, that is of course unacceptable and I would strongly urge you to move out as soon as possible and to where you would want to raise the child. And, after seeking legal advice, inform him where you. Do not hide your child from his or her father. It is simply wrong.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2021 22:18     Subject: I know this is completely unethical
Go now. Make sure you're safe, then you can contact a lawyer and figure things out.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2021 22:04     Subject: Re:I know this is completely unethical
Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot. All I have to add is that, in the experience of my sister in law in New York, the documented physical abuse didn't matter because it was against her and not the child. And I'm talking about bruise marks on her neck after he strangled her against a door. So take that into account. Best wishes regardless of what you decide.


Same thing happened to my friend in VA. Has documented proof he abused her, assaulted her Mom and abused his other kid (step kid), but doesn’t matter because it’s not against my friend’s kid. And at this point, she’s not sure if her kid is being abused because her son is so afraid of the father that he won’t say anything. And now he’s an early teen and acting out. Taking out all his anger on my friend. It’s a heartbreaking situation.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2021 21:52     Subject: I know this is completely unethical
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe the number of people supporting this plan. OP describes an abusive, controlling man with a lot of money who wants this kid. Does anyone really think she could pull this off without consequences?

OP, eventually this man will find out. When he does, it won't be a matter of sharing custody. It won't matter where he lives. You will lose custody. He will go to court and accuse you of lying and essentially kidnapping his child. And a judge will give him custody and you will be flying back here a handful of times a year for supervised visitation, which is all you will get. Just imagine how you will feel if after 2, 4, 7, or 10 years that child is taken away from you.

You would be insane to consider this. Insane. And that's not even considering the ethical problems.

You have two realistic options:
1. Abort and go about your life. Try a sperm donor if you want a baby now.
2. Go home for a vacation. Call you BF, break up with him, and tell him you're staying where you are. You will either work out a cross-country visitation schedule or he'll sue for custody (he'll have to sue where you have moved) and you'll have to fight in court. He may win, he may not.

That's it. They may be two imperfect choices, but you need to choose the most palatable and follow through. Trying to hide the baby is a truly awful, terrible idea that will bring you a great deal of pain.

Best of luck to you.


I find it really difficult believe a judge would do this with a best interest of the child standard and particularly if the mother had documented ohysical abuse. The most likely outcome is visits for dad, gradually building up to allowing the father to take the child out of state for more extended period. No judge is going to send a child out of state with a man the child has never met before, unless the mom is in jail or incapacitated. It’s not a “which parent acted worse” standard— it’s the best interest of the child.


This is why she needs legal advice.

And I don't know who these posters are that think there's some obligation on the part of an unmarried pregnant woman to make herself or her baby available to the father. Because there isn't. A pregnant woman is still an autonomous human being with her own rights. If the father wants to pursue a relationship with or custody of the child then it's his responsibility to do so. Leaving a guy that cheated on you/abused you while you were pregnant and going no contact isn't a crime.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2021 21:51     Subject: Re:I know this is completely unethical
Feel like you should move, have the baby and after the baby is born let him know. This way you're established elsewhere. The baby will one day want to know who their biological dad is and its better to be open about this for both the baby and your soon to be ex than keeping this hidden. Definitely set yourself up first before revealing the pregnancy though, especially if its your miracle pregnancy.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2021 21:44     Subject: I know this is completely unethical
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My sister went through this. The ex was cheating on her, didn't want a relationship. She moved several states away, to my parents' hometown. She had every reason to think that he would be distant at that point, but he followed her. She intended to leave him off the birth certificate; he forced it.

They managed to stay out of court, but if he'd wanted it he could have gotten court-ordered overnight visits with their child and she would have been stuck pumping for that purpose.

Judges really, really do not look kindly on what you are planning to do here, OP. This is 100% a bet on whether he will follow you.

You should have an abortion. Do not be an idiot about this.


This is exactly right. Also, and I haven't read all the posts, so someone probably (I hope!) raised this already, this is horribly unfair to the child - stripping him or her of any possibility to know and have a relationship with the father. You may think he's an ass, who abused you - and I'm sure you're right. But you obviously don't care about him in this scenario. But it's a terrible thing to do to a child, and you apparently don't care about that either. All you care about is what you want.

You're a moderately terrible person, OP.


Counterpoint - no, you're not. Life can be messy and complicated. Kids grow up in all kinds of circumstances and they figure it out.

Protect yourself and protect your baby. This guy had some great chances and he's blown it. That's on him.