Anonymous wrote:I really can't get over how the vast majority of posters here are insisting that the SAHD needs to have
-a full time nanny, in addition to the part time preschool for the older child.
-weekly housecleaners
-grocery delivery so that he never has to run errands

Go on any thread about SAHMs and you will read about how lazy, entitled, and selfish they are if they have ANY form of childcare, don't clean every inch of their own house, run their own errands, and cook gourmet organic meals three times a day.

I think the difference here is that the non SAHP is asking for advice for herself. People are looking for things that OP can do to improve her situation.

If OP's husband were the one here, he would definitely read about how lazy, entitled and selfish he is.

I really can't get over how the vast majority of posters here are insisting that the SAHD needs to have
-a full time nanny, in addition to the part time preschool for the older child.
-weekly housecleaners
-grocery delivery so that he never has to run errands

Go on any thread about SAHMs and you will read about how lazy, entitled, and selfish they are if they have ANY form of childcare, don't clean every inch of their own house, run their own errands, and cook gourmet organic meals three times a day.

I think there is a lot of room between stop nursing and continuing to be the only person who can feed the baby.

At my kids' 9 months I was BFing them first thing in the morning and before bedtime - we still got our bonding and they got whatever BF benefits, but my days and nights were freed up.

You have to do it slowly, of course, remove one nursing session every few days until you are down to just 2 per 24hrs.

Have DH hire weekly cleaners. Have DH take kids for a walk when they come.

Hire PT nanny coupled times a week who will wear a mask inside and take kids outside. DH should try to have appointments when nanny is w/kids.

It will never be perfect, but it will be BETTER.

Anonymous wrote:I don't get how "live in nanny" is option 1 for so many people as if it is obvious. Does everyone on this board just have an extra room sitting there waiting for their inevitable need for a nanny? Our kids are doubled up in bedrooms and there is definitely no space for another adult human unless the nanny is going to live on the pull out sofa. I don't think I can pay anyone enough for that.

I know! It’s ridiculous. My favorite was the smug Richie who said that she didn’t allow her kids in their bedrooms during the day, and all their toys were in the playroom.

Join the rest of us. It isn't easy for any of us but getting organized is the key. Stop nursing and switch formula. Hire full time nanny. It is pointless to argue with your husband about doing more. He is not going to do so and you take charge and hire help. If he can sire two children then he can take two to the doctor, grocery store. Also, stop wallowing in self pity. EVERYBODY HAS IT DIFFICULT and whining makes it worse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did your husband quit his job?

Yeah OP did bury the lede there. What man who is not retirement age quits without another job lined up??

I'm not the OP, but I also questioned OP about this earlier in the thread.

I'm going to guess it's because he was about to be fired, but they (his employer) allowed him to "quit" to save face. Based on how OP has described him, would YOU want this man working for you?

Wow, that's unkind. I'm the OP - it is because his employer didn't offer parental leave for men and he wanted to take time off with our baby. That, combined with other things that weren't working for him at his job and our ability to (pre-COVID) get by on my one salary. Women do this all the time, why does it make my husband a slacker about to get fired? Geez.

Woah woah woah. He quit to spend time with the baby yet he’s not stepping up to be the primary caretaker? That makes no sense. He needs a job or at least to be primary caretaker 4 days a week with a mothers helper the other day. I feel for you but you need to engage in some self help here rather than hand wringing about the pandemic. The pandemic sucks but you need some help around the house or to move to a gov job, which you should probably look into anyway. I’m not sure your husband will give you the support you need to make partner and Even so you sound miserable. Is it worth it?

Exactly. Yes, women 'do it all the time,' but then they actually follow through and take on the role of primary caregiver as their new job. They don't flit about all day, being bad at chores or unable to care for two kids in the grocery store.

I don't get how "live in nanny" is option 1 for so many people as if it is obvious. Does everyone on this board just have an extra room sitting there waiting for their inevitable need for a nanny? Our kids are doubled up in bedrooms and there is definitely no space for another adult human unless the nanny is going to live on the pull out sofa. I don't think I can pay anyone enough for that.

Stop nursing. Seriously. He can figure out how to take two kids to the grocery store. Wear one and the other goes in the cart. Or he can just take the baby when the other is at preschool. And do deliveries alternate weeks. Hire a sitter for his appointments. Tell your husband you can’t do it anymore. He either needs to be the sahp or can go back to work and you can hire a full time nanny or do daycare for both.

OP, I am also a lawyer at a large firm so I get it. But my husband works so we have a full-time nanny. We also have a housekeeper. We kept both home (still paid) for four months and then realized that we could accept the risks of having them back. Or kind of that we had to accept the risks. It was just too much for us to be able to do our jobs and keep the house clean and take care of our young kids. Everything is a risk/benefit analysis, and the risks you are facing here are high. Yes, it does seem somewhat silly to hire a nanny if you have a stay at home parent, but that parent clearly isn’t doing everything that is needed, so you need help. Find a cleaner who will open the windows of each room while they clean it and wear a mask. Find a nanny whose lifestyle you feel comfortable with. Please get some help. I completely understand the feelings you are having - the overwhelming depression, the crying, the fear that you’re going to break down at the next thing. Please, please get some help. The risk of getting the virus from someone who is being careful is less than the risk that you are going to fall apart. Hugs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did your husband quit his job?

Yeah OP did bury the lede there. What man who is not retirement age quits without another job lined up??

I'm not the OP, but I also questioned OP about this earlier in the thread.

I'm going to guess it's because he was about to be fired, but they (his employer) allowed him to "quit" to save face. Based on how OP has described him, would YOU want this man working for you?

Wow, that's unkind. I'm the OP - it is because his employer didn't offer parental leave for men and he wanted to take time off with our baby. That, combined with other things that weren't working for him at his job and our ability to (pre-COVID) get by on my one salary. Women do this all the time, why does it make my husband a slacker about to get fired? Geez.

Well, that was a really stupid reason to quit. He’s not helping anyway.

Poor fellas can’t win. Their either work to hard and spend too little time with the kids or don’t work enough and don’t do the laundry right.

OP, lets assume that

- your DH cannot help out for whatever reason
- you want to continue to breastfeed
- you need to continue to work hard

In such a case, your best bet is nanny and cleaners. Assume that you are a single parent. Let the nanny be a live-in. Send baby and nanny out when cleaners come.

Nanny - Live in. Get them tested, quarantine in your home and then bubble with them. Pay them more than market value.

Home - Get a UV light in your HVAC to minimize the risk of the virus circulating through the ducts.

Cleaners - Lysol the heck out of the place once the masked and gloved cleaners leave. After that open the windows and air out the home.

Laundry - pay per pound one of the laundry services that pick up your dirty laundry and deliver your clean laundry.

Food - Every thing delivered from a restaurant.

You can do it. I don't think you are depressed but you are under a lot of stress. And your job is all about using your brain so taking an anti-depressant can actually interfere with how you do your work. You have no choice. You have to outsource some work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did your husband quit his job?

Yeah OP did bury the lede there. What man who is not retirement age quits without another job lined up??

I'm not the OP, but I also questioned OP about this earlier in the thread.

I'm going to guess it's because he was about to be fired, but they (his employer) allowed him to "quit" to save face. Based on how OP has described him, would YOU want this man working for you?

Wow, that's unkind. I'm the OP - it is because his employer didn't offer parental leave for men and he wanted to take time off with our baby. That, combined with other things that weren't working for him at his job and our ability to (pre-COVID) get by on my one salary. Women do this all the time, why does it make my husband a slacker about to get fired? Geez.

Well, that was a really stupid reason to quit. He’s not helping anyway.

Your husband is the problem. Two attorney family and my husband does more than his share, not less. He should have never asked to take time off with the kids because it wasn’t about them, he just wanted the time off and you know it. Women do this because we give birth. Duh

What about an antidepressant like Wellbutrin? It’s in your control and may make you care less about your husbands lack of contribution.

OP, does your husband's condition limit his ability to care for the children and house at all? Is that why he's not stepping up?

Because he's not being asked to do anything any other stay-at-home parent would do. Plenty of people cook dinner with two children (or more!) underfoot, and manage to wipe down a bathroom and run the vacuum when there's only one child in the house. Nobody says it's easy or fun, or that the results are perfect, but millions of people all over the world manage it just fine. Unless you're expecting a four-course meal and a white-glove spotless house, you're not being unreasonable to ask him to step up.

But many men won't admit to chronic pain, which can also lead to depression or medication overuse, so you might need to ask him to be really upfront with you about how it's affecting him. Is he honestly just slacking, or is he in constant pain from carrying the baby around or something? Without knowing what his condition is, it's hard to say, but it's something to discuss in a non-accusatory way.