Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t understand why it would be a big deal to invite someone to a drive by party.

I could understand not inviting someone to a real party. But ffs to a drive by? In the same neighborhood? Does it have to be exclusive?

Couldn’t you say to the organizer, do you mind if Larla joins us?

What a f**ing mean group of people you are.

And I don't understand why the excluded friend can't contact the people who actually did exclude her, directly, vs. trying to manipulate OP into being her personal friend concierge.

What you also might not understand is that some people do, in fact, have legitimate reasons for not wanting to associate with someone. Like me with my neighbor who made horrible racist remarks about our mutual acquaintance, who is biracial, in front of my children. I will not being inviting racist people to any of my events, ever, even if it is a drive-by birthday party. And that is exactly none of your business. Just as it is none of OP's business whether her other friend had some type of reason for not inviting the "excluded friend."

Do you get it?

Of course you understand why. Maybe she's shy? Nervous? Has anxiety? Is trying (until now at least) not to bring it up to the whole group due to fear of being shot down? There are many, many reasons why she did this.

And your example, above, is really not relevant here. There is nothing to suggest that happened. Just a woman and her son trying to fit in, however awkwardly, and not being permitted to do so b/c OP and her friend seem not very nice, frankly.

OP, I don't understand why it is so freaking hard for you to have a conversation, in person or not by text, about the situation. Tell her you don't want to be her go between. But also tell her that elevating things -which she did at your urging- is not helping. But, that you will do your best to include her. And then do it. You're overcomplicating what should have been a few easy ways to include a woman looking for friends. Shame on you.

"Shame" on the OP for: inviting this woman everywhere, organizing her social plans, and driving her to and from events?? Yeah, she sounds like a horrible person. What do you expect of your friends -- do they need to pay for your meal and massage your feet at the restaurant, too?

Don't be an idiot. OP isn't being asked to "invite this woman everywhere" or "organize her plans." So stop. She's asking to be included. She senses -correctly- that she is not. THe only horrible person in this is people like you looking to justify your behavior. I expect my friends to treat me like I would treat them, which is with kindness and being inclusive.

I have a very tight knit group of friends in my neighborhood. When new people move in or express wanting to get to know the others, I invite them. So do my friends. A simple "hey do you mind if I invite XXX" to the XXX. She's new and wants to get to know people. To formal parties? No. But a drive by birthdays, happy hours, etc. . .. those are not formal events. And you know that. You're just looking for a reason to have no responsibility for your actions.

I won't even respond to your idiotic response about massages or paying for meals. If that's how simple you are, it's not even educating you why that analogy is ridiculous.

I don’t think you read the post, and you appear to be bringing your own baggage to bear here. Pause and reflect.

You seem so oddly defensive here!

Have you ever thought that this woman just wants her kid to fit in and get to know the group of other kids and not be on the outside of that or feel she is holding her kid back?

Sure, but making one person your social go between isn't the way to do it, and I don't think it's fair to pile on the original poster. Some people are being downright nasty.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t understand why it would be a big deal to invite someone to a drive by party.

I could understand not inviting someone to a real party. But ffs to a drive by? In the same neighborhood? Does it have to be exclusive?

Couldn’t you say to the organizer, do you mind if Larla joins us?

What a f**ing mean group of people you are.

And I don't understand why the excluded friend can't contact the people who actually did exclude her, directly, vs. trying to manipulate OP into being her personal friend concierge.

What you also might not understand is that some people do, in fact, have legitimate reasons for not wanting to associate with someone. Like me with my neighbor who made horrible racist remarks about our mutual acquaintance, who is biracial, in front of my children. I will not being inviting racist people to any of my events, ever, even if it is a drive-by birthday party. And that is exactly none of your business. Just as it is none of OP's business whether her other friend had some type of reason for not inviting the "excluded friend."

Do you get it?

Of course you understand why. Maybe she's shy? Nervous? Has anxiety? Is trying (until now at least) not to bring it up to the whole group due to fear of being shot down? There are many, many reasons why she did this.

And your example, above, is really not relevant here. There is nothing to suggest that happened. Just a woman and her son trying to fit in, however awkwardly, and not being permitted to do so b/c OP and her friend seem not very nice, frankly.

OP, I don't understand why it is so freaking hard for you to have a conversation, in person or not by text, about the situation. Tell her you don't want to be her go between. But also tell her that elevating things -which she did at your urging- is not helping. But, that you will do your best to include her. And then do it. You're overcomplicating what should have been a few easy ways to include a woman looking for friends. Shame on you.

"Shame" on the OP for: inviting this woman everywhere, organizing her social plans, and driving her to and from events?? Yeah, she sounds like a horrible person. What do you expect of your friends -- do they need to pay for your meal and massage your feet at the restaurant, too?

Don't be an idiot. OP isn't being asked to "invite this woman everywhere" or "organize her plans." So stop. She's asking to be included. She senses -correctly- that she is not. THe only horrible person in this is people like you looking to justify your behavior. I expect my friends to treat me like I would treat them, which is with kindness and being inclusive.

I have a very tight knit group of friends in my neighborhood. When new people move in or express wanting to get to know the others, I invite them. So do my friends. A simple "hey do you mind if I invite XXX" to the XXX. She's new and wants to get to know people. To formal parties? No. But a drive by birthdays, happy hours, etc. . .. those are not formal events. And you know that. You're just looking for a reason to have no responsibility for your actions.

I won't even respond to your idiotic response about massages or paying for meals. If that's how simple you are, it's not even educating you why that analogy is ridiculous.

I don’t think you read the post, and you appear to be bringing your own baggage to bear here. Pause and reflect.

You seem so oddly defensive here!

Have you ever thought that this woman just wants her kid to fit in and get to know the group of other kids and not be on the outside of that or feel she is holding her kid back?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t understand why it would be a big deal to invite someone to a drive by party.

I could understand not inviting someone to a real party. But ffs to a drive by? In the same neighborhood? Does it have to be exclusive?

Couldn’t you say to the organizer, do you mind if Larla joins us?

What a f**ing mean group of people you are.

And I don't understand why the excluded friend can't contact the people who actually did exclude her, directly, vs. trying to manipulate OP into being her personal friend concierge.

What you also might not understand is that some people do, in fact, have legitimate reasons for not wanting to associate with someone. Like me with my neighbor who made horrible racist remarks about our mutual acquaintance, who is biracial, in front of my children. I will not being inviting racist people to any of my events, ever, even if it is a drive-by birthday party. And that is exactly none of your business. Just as it is none of OP's business whether her other friend had some type of reason for not inviting the "excluded friend."

Do you get it?

Of course you understand why. Maybe she's shy? Nervous? Has anxiety? Is trying (until now at least) not to bring it up to the whole group due to fear of being shot down? There are many, many reasons why she did this.

And your example, above, is really not relevant here. There is nothing to suggest that happened. Just a woman and her son trying to fit in, however awkwardly, and not being permitted to do so b/c OP and her friend seem not very nice, frankly.

OP, I don't understand why it is so freaking hard for you to have a conversation, in person or not by text, about the situation. Tell her you don't want to be her go between. But also tell her that elevating things -which she did at your urging- is not helping. But, that you will do your best to include her. And then do it. You're overcomplicating what should have been a few easy ways to include a woman looking for friends. Shame on you.

"Shame" on the OP for: inviting this woman everywhere, organizing her social plans, and driving her to and from events?? Yeah, she sounds like a horrible person. What do you expect of your friends -- do they need to pay for your meal and massage your feet at the restaurant, too?

Don't be an idiot. OP isn't being asked to "invite this woman everywhere" or "organize her plans." So stop. She's asking to be included. She senses -correctly- that she is not. THe only horrible person in this is people like you looking to justify your behavior. I expect my friends to treat me like I would treat them, which is with kindness and being inclusive.

I have a very tight knit group of friends in my neighborhood. When new people move in or express wanting to get to know the others, I invite them. So do my friends. A simple "hey do you mind if I invite XXX" to the XXX. She's new and wants to get to know people. To formal parties? No. But a drive by birthdays, happy hours, etc. . .. those are not formal events. And you know that. You're just looking for a reason to have no responsibility for your actions.

I won't even respond to your idiotic response about massages or paying for meals. If that's how simple you are, it's not even educating you why that analogy is ridiculous.

I don’t think you read the post, and you appear to be bringing your own baggage to bear here. Pause and reflect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t understand why it would be a big deal to invite someone to a drive by party.

I could understand not inviting someone to a real party. But ffs to a drive by? In the same neighborhood? Does it have to be exclusive?

Couldn’t you say to the organizer, do you mind if Larla joins us?

What a f**ing mean group of people you are.

And I don't understand why the excluded friend can't contact the people who actually did exclude her, directly, vs. trying to manipulate OP into being her personal friend concierge.

What you also might not understand is that some people do, in fact, have legitimate reasons for not wanting to associate with someone. Like me with my neighbor who made horrible racist remarks about our mutual acquaintance, who is biracial, in front of my children. I will not being inviting racist people to any of my events, ever, even if it is a drive-by birthday party. And that is exactly none of your business. Just as it is none of OP's business whether her other friend had some type of reason for not inviting the "excluded friend."

Do you get it?

Of course you understand why. Maybe she's shy? Nervous? Has anxiety? Is trying (until now at least) not to bring it up to the whole group due to fear of being shot down? There are many, many reasons why she did this.

And your example, above, is really not relevant here. There is nothing to suggest that happened. Just a woman and her son trying to fit in, however awkwardly, and not being permitted to do so b/c OP and her friend seem not very nice, frankly.

OP, I don't understand why it is so freaking hard for you to have a conversation, in person or not by text, about the situation. Tell her you don't want to be her go between. But also tell her that elevating things -which she did at your urging- is not helping. But, that you will do your best to include her. And then do it. You're overcomplicating what should have been a few easy ways to include a woman looking for friends. Shame on you.

"Shame" on the OP for: inviting this woman everywhere, organizing her social plans, and driving her to and from events?? Yeah, she sounds like a horrible person. What do you expect of your friends -- do they need to pay for your meal and massage your feet at the restaurant, too?

Don't be an idiot. OP isn't being asked to "invite this woman everywhere" or "organize her plans." So stop. She's asking to be included. She senses -correctly- that she is not. THe only horrible person in this is people like you looking to justify your behavior. I expect my friends to treat me like I would treat them, which is with kindness and being inclusive.

I have a very tight knit group of friends in my neighborhood. When new people move in or express wanting to get to know the others, I invite them. So do my friends. A simple "hey do you mind if I invite XXX" to the XXX. She's new and wants to get to know people. To formal parties? No. But a drive by birthdays, happy hours, etc. . .. those are not formal events. And you know that. You're just looking for a reason to have no responsibility for your actions.

I won't even respond to your idiotic response about massages or paying for meals. If that's how simple you are, it's not even educating you why that analogy is ridiculous.

Anonymous wrote:OP, your neighbor is already an outcast and isn't ever going to be in the clique. You are probably a fringe member of this crowd already.

Think of this as MS and HS: there are still Popular People to include parents. The Popular Parents are playing the Long Game and it's all just beginning.

The Popular Parents will, if not already, assume key volunteer positions in school, youth sports and even church. So look for them to be PTA and HOA board members, then they'll be your kid's soccer coach. They all have Happy Hours and often vacation together and then their children all magically in the same ES classes, play travel sports together, then become mini versions of their parents by late ES. Their kids learn early how to social engineer and climb and by this point, will have no other friends outside their parents' circle. The parents will begin to accept by MS that their kids are outgoing and love to party, so will just buy the keg for all the friends. It's safer this way and they can be the ultimate cool parents.

Step away now, OP and forge your own path...from the whole mess.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really surprised at some of these responses from grown women. Have some confidence! If you aren't included at a certain party, book club, etc. there is a 98% chance that it has nothing to do with anyone excluding you-- but a much more mundane reason like their kid doesn't get along with yours, they only were inviting 10 kids to the party and your kid wasn't close to theirs, they already have 8 people in the book club and 9 would be too many, etc. Not everyone needs to be friends with everyone, and not everyone needs to be invited to every social event -- that does not make the moms "mean girls" or the mean the left out mom is not liked. The fact is that most families are really busy and focused on their own lives, and not really paying super close attention to whether there may be a family they don't know too well that they should consider inviting to their next BBQ. Maybe I am naive, but I wouldn't think that most women in their 30s and 40s have the time or inclination to be mean girls.

Finally. A well-adjusted, normal response from a rational, self-aware, mature adult.

Finally.

Anonymous wrote:
She wanted you to give her a heads up if anyone had an event, not necessarily invite her to other people’s events.

In essence, she wanted you to be her spy. She probably doesn’t understand it as crossing a line, which it actually does.

You can respond with:

“I’m happy to invite you to events I host, but it feels weird to tell you of other people’s events. I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. I hope you understand my position.”

Anonymous wrote:Really surprised at some of these responses from grown women. Have some confidence! If you aren't included at a certain party, book club, etc. there is a 98% chance that it has nothing to do with anyone excluding you-- but a much more mundane reason like their kid doesn't get along with yours, they only were inviting 10 kids to the party and your kid wasn't close to theirs, they already have 8 people in the book club and 9 would be too many, etc. Not everyone needs to be friends with everyone, and not everyone needs to be invited to every social event -- that does not make the moms "mean girls" or the mean the left out mom is not liked. The fact is that most families are really busy and focused on their own lives, and not really paying super close attention to whether there may be a family they don't know too well that they should consider inviting to their next BBQ. Maybe I am naive, but I wouldn't think that most women in their 30s and 40s have the time or inclination to be mean girls.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a sticky friend situation. (We need a friendship board here.)

I live in a kid-friendly neighborhood; many of us have kids the same age (grade 2 and under), and there is a group of a dozen or so of us who hang out fairly regularly. Within that group, certain folks see one another more often due to proximity, kids gender, sports, what have you.

There's a mom outside this group with whom I'm friendly. Her son simply isn't as close with the kids of these parents. It's nothing personal at all; organically, get-togethers just don't involve her as much.

Before COVID, the "left out" mom (for lack of a better term) asked me to keep her informed next time this group hung out. It was a bit awkward, simply because I wasn't always the host -- for instance, if someone had a barbecue, was I supposed to ask her? If it was an outing like a bar, I would tell her. Often she would decline anyway.

Well, there was a drive-by "parade" for one of the kids in the group's birthdays. The mom posted it on social media, with photos of people driving by and waving, a singalong etc. My "left out" friend sent me a text asking why I didn't tell her about the birthday party, saying she's really hurt, I'd told her I'd keep her in the loop about future events. I told her I was sorry, but it was not even my child's birthday, it was someone else's party. She is now upset with me and I really don't know what to say. Nobody was trying to exclude her; her son simply isn't friends with this girl and I don't think it crossed anyone's mind to invite this kid!!?

What do I say??

You need to invite the kid next time.

If you invite the kid down the street who pulled my daughter's pants and underwear down on the playground during recess to my daughter's drive-by birthday parade without asking me first, you will get an earful from me, and going forward I will be cordial to you, but we will not be friends.

So in your rush to be inclusive, understand that you are overstepping and may actually damage another friendship.

Oh good lord. You’ve said this story 10 times. This is not what is going on here!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a sticky friend situation. (We need a friendship board here.)

I live in a kid-friendly neighborhood; many of us have kids the same age (grade 2 and under), and there is a group of a dozen or so of us who hang out fairly regularly. Within that group, certain folks see one another more often due to proximity, kids gender, sports, what have you.

There's a mom outside this group with whom I'm friendly. Her son simply isn't as close with the kids of these parents. It's nothing personal at all; organically, get-togethers just don't involve her as much.

Before COVID, the "left out" mom (for lack of a better term) asked me to keep her informed next time this group hung out. It was a bit awkward, simply because I wasn't always the host -- for instance, if someone had a barbecue, was I supposed to ask her? If it was an outing like a bar, I would tell her. Often she would decline anyway.

Well, there was a drive-by "parade" for one of the kids in the group's birthdays. The mom posted it on social media, with photos of people driving by and waving, a singalong etc. My "left out" friend sent me a text asking why I didn't tell her about the birthday party, saying she's really hurt, I'd told her I'd keep her in the loop about future events. I told her I was sorry, but it was not even my child's birthday, it was someone else's party. She is now upset with me and I really don't know what to say. Nobody was trying to exclude her; her son simply isn't friends with this girl and I don't think it crossed anyone's mind to invite this kid!!?

What do I say??

You need to invite the kid next time.

If you invite the kid down the street who pulled my daughter's pants and underwear down on the playground during recess to my daughter's drive-by birthday parade without asking me first, you will get an earful from me, and going forward I will be cordial to you, but we will not be friends.

So in your rush to be inclusive, understand that you are overstepping and may actually damage another friendship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a sticky friend situation. (We need a friendship board here.)

I live in a kid-friendly neighborhood; many of us have kids the same age (grade 2 and under), and there is a group of a dozen or so of us who hang out fairly regularly. Within that group, certain folks see one another more often due to proximity, kids gender, sports, what have you.

There's a mom outside this group with whom I'm friendly. Her son simply isn't as close with the kids of these parents. It's nothing personal at all; organically, get-togethers just don't involve her as much.

Before COVID, the "left out" mom (for lack of a better term) asked me to keep her informed next time this group hung out. It was a bit awkward, simply because I wasn't always the host -- for instance, if someone had a barbecue, was I supposed to ask her? If it was an outing like a bar, I would tell her. Often she would decline anyway.

Well, there was a drive-by "parade" for one of the kids in the group's birthdays. The mom posted it on social media, with photos of people driving by and waving, a singalong etc. My "left out" friend sent me a text asking why I didn't tell her about the birthday party, saying she's really hurt, I'd told her I'd keep her in the loop about future events. I told her I was sorry, but it was not even my child's birthday, it was someone else's party. She is now upset with me and I really don't know what to say. Nobody was trying to exclude her; her son simply isn't friends with this girl and I don't think it crossed anyone's mind to invite this kid!!?

What do I say??

You need to invite the kid next time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t understand why it would be a big deal to invite someone to a drive by party.

I could understand not inviting someone to a real party. But ffs to a drive by? In the same neighborhood? Does it have to be exclusive?

Couldn’t you say to the organizer, do you mind if Larla joins us?

What a f**ing mean group of people you are.

And I don't understand why the excluded friend can't contact the people who actually did exclude her, directly, vs. trying to manipulate OP into being her personal friend concierge.

What you also might not understand is that some people do, in fact, have legitimate reasons for not wanting to associate with someone. Like me with my neighbor who made horrible racist remarks about our mutual acquaintance, who is biracial, in front of my children. I will not being inviting racist people to any of my events, ever, even if it is a drive-by birthday party. And that is exactly none of your business. Just as it is none of OP's business whether her other friend had some type of reason for not inviting the "excluded friend."

Do you get it?

Of course you understand why. Maybe she's shy? Nervous? Has anxiety? Is trying (until now at least) not to bring it up to the whole group due to fear of being shot down? There are many, many reasons why she did this.

And your example, above, is really not relevant here. There is nothing to suggest that happened. Just a woman and her son trying to fit in, however awkwardly, and not being permitted to do so b/c OP and her friend seem not very nice, frankly.

OP, I don't understand why it is so freaking hard for you to have a conversation, in person or not by text, about the situation. Tell her you don't want to be her go between. But also tell her that elevating things -which she did at your urging- is not helping. But, that you will do your best to include her. And then do it. You're overcomplicating what should have been a few easy ways to include a woman looking for friends. Shame on you.

"Shame" on the OP for: inviting this woman everywhere, organizing her social plans, and driving her to and from events?? Yeah, she sounds like a horrible person. What do you expect of your friends -- do they need to pay for your meal and massage your feet at the restaurant, too?