Anonymous
Post 06/08/2020 14:55     Subject: DH just asked for a divorce.
Anonymous wrote:Let him file. Then fight him tooth and nail for full custody and every penny you can squeeze out of him. Sounds like a loser anyway. You will be fine. Oh, and line up a date as soon as possible and rub his face in it.


You sound bitter and dysfunctional. I hope she ignores your advice.
Anonymous
Post 06/08/2020 14:47     Subject: Re:DH just asked for a divorce.
He asked for a divorce so you need to move out. That is the way it works. the one who asks for the divorce gets to stay.
Anonymous
Post 06/08/2020 14:33     Subject: DH just asked for a divorce.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, when you divorce, how will your next relationship work or your next marriage?

I can't imagine a lot of men wanting to sign up for a divorced single mother with 50/50 custody or more who insists that her new husband visits her family once a week. Alcoholic and racist or not. If this is a relationship deal breaker, you would need to let your new man know upfront.

And if that's the visiting schedule, I'd guess that you are in the phone with them all the time, too. Do they come over and visit you regularly, too?

And if your new guy isn't an alcoholic or racist, and is uncomfortable with being around them, how will that work? Will you compromise for the new guy when you wouldn't for your ex?

Seriously, OP, you might be single for a long time.


OP did not state that her family is racist. Alcoholic yes, racist no.


I'm that PP. You're correct, I misread. But what I wrote still stands. I had said despite the family's characteristics, the OP will have a hard time finding a partner if she expects him to be with her family once a.week, on top of her being a divorced woman with a young child. that's a big ask.
Anonymous
Post 06/08/2020 14:00     Subject: DH just asked for a divorce.
Anonymous wrote:Tbh you sound like a bit of loser. You don’t seem to be able to form any relationships outside of your family. You can’t have many fiends because you said yourself that most time is spent with your family. And you never stopped, took a step back and considered “ hey,maybe I am too emeshed with my family” You seem pretty lucky to have even found someone to marry you.


My spouse is somewhat like OP. If he hadn't changed I would have divorced him. With kids we had our own obligations, and I wasn't about to go to his family every weekend or every other weekend. I also want my own time. We finally compromised.

OP you're way too involved, I feel bad for your spouse. You're grown now with your own family. Once or twice a month to see your family is fine, but yes put your kids and spouse as a priority. You can send cards to nieces and nephews.
Anonymous
Post 06/08/2020 13:58     Subject: Re:DH just asked for a divorce.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Normally when people post about their spouses, they manage to make themselves look great and the spouse look terrible.

Congrats OP, this is a first. Even your version of your DH sounds like a man who has patiently tried to make you happy by putting up with your obnoxious alcoholic enmeshed family, and finally reached his breaking point and wants an amicable divorce. Your twisting of the lovely breakfast that he made for you complete with flowers and card, was truly epic. He "set you up". Wow.

You had it, you didn't take his feelings into account, and now you've lost it. Next time try listening.


This is what I picked up as well. The more OP keeps volunteering, the more she reveals that she is the issue. Barely acknowledge her anniversary, prioritizing her niece and nephew's birthday (WTF?), etc - all too much for her DH to handle. Her DH has been probably signaling to her for years but she is clueless.


+1. Before I even saw the update, I thought, well, I'd want to divorce too.


+1

OP, I feel for your poor husband. You're honestly shocked he wants a divorce? You have clearly not prioritized his feelings ever, you have defied a stay at home order for the last three months, I could go on and on.
Anonymous
Post 06/08/2020 13:19     Subject: DH just asked for a divorce.
It’s very sad but if someone is done, and doesn’t seem to want to try counseling, you have to let him go. For the sake of your child, keep this as amicable a split as you can. Your child deserves that.
Anonymous
Post 06/08/2020 13:17     Subject: DH just asked for a divorce.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, when you divorce, how will your next relationship work or your next marriage?

I can't imagine a lot of men wanting to sign up for a divorced single mother with 50/50 custody or more who insists that her new husband visits her family once a week. Alcoholic and racist or not. If this is a relationship deal breaker, you would need to let your new man know upfront.

And if that's the visiting schedule, I'd guess that you are in the phone with them all the time, too. Do they come over and visit you regularly, too?

And if your new guy isn't an alcoholic or racist, and is uncomfortable with being around them, how will that work? Will you compromise for the new guy when you wouldn't for your ex?

Seriously, OP, you might be single for a long time.


OP did not state that her family is racist. Alcoholic yes, racist no.


Hard-line right wing is a polite way of saying racist. Especially considering she wants to minimize their problems like the alcoholism and codependence.





NP. She didn’t say hard line right wing either. She said they aren’t into politics.

Alcoholic, yes.
Anonymous
Post 06/08/2020 11:12     Subject: Re:DH just asked for a divorce.
I'm a divorced woman and my ex wanted the divorce.

1-if you are both willing and havent done so, try therapy, if not for you than for your kids
2-it sounds like he is trying to be fair and non-vindictive. That is a very good thing for all of you. Push to get what is fair, but don't try to punish him with money or custody, it only hurts your kids
3-focus on taking care of yourself and start thinking about the rest of your life. You can build a new life and find someone new with whom you are well matched.

I'm sorry this is probably a very hard time for you, but it will get better.
Anonymous
Post 06/08/2020 11:06     Subject: Re:DH just asked for a divorce.
Even if I loved DH's family, no way would I want to see them every weekend! And if I didn't, wow. that would be tough. Plus all the bickering and disagreement.

You could try to save this marriage but it would require work from you I dont think you would be capable of in a relatively short time and I think your DH is done.

His offer is very generous. I would find a mediator to work this out and a therapist for yourself. You sound way too enmeshed in your family.
Anonymous
Post 06/08/2020 10:10     Subject: DH just asked for a divorce.
Anonymous wrote:Let him file. Then fight him tooth and nail for full custody and every penny you can squeeze out of him. Sounds like a loser anyway. You will be fine. Oh, and line up a date as soon as possible and rub his face in it.


He is unhappy. It sounds like they have talked about their issues and haven't been able to resolved any of them. While it also sounds like they haven't done the work to divorce (therapy), why make the child suffer. Let him have half custody and move on. You don't deserve more than 50/50 custody or child support. Learn from this. Get therapy. Try to find happiness.
Anonymous
Post 06/08/2020 10:00     Subject: Re:DH just asked for a divorce.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Normally when people post about their spouses, they manage to make themselves look great and the spouse look terrible.

Congrats OP, this is a first. Even your version of your DH sounds like a man who has patiently tried to make you happy by putting up with your obnoxious alcoholic enmeshed family, and finally reached his breaking point and wants an amicable divorce. Your twisting of the lovely breakfast that he made for you complete with flowers and card, was truly epic. He "set you up". Wow.

You had it, you didn't take his feelings into account, and now you've lost it. Next time try listening.


This is what I picked up as well. The more OP keeps volunteering, the more she reveals that she is the issue. Barely acknowledge her anniversary, prioritizing her niece and nephew's birthday (WTF?), etc - all too much for her DH to handle. Her DH has been probably signaling to her for years but she is clueless.


+1. Before I even saw the update, I thought, well, I'd want to divorce too.
Anonymous
Post 06/08/2020 09:41     Subject: DH just asked for a divorce.
Can you attempt to retrieve your marriage? It sounds like you are putting your family before your husband and child. This calls for some self-reflection, OP. Why can’t you see your husband’s point of view? You want your son exposed to an alcoholic? You ought to be backing up your husband and telling your father that your son will not be visiting him until he cleans up his act. You ought to be supporting your husband by asking your family not to discuss politics when he is around. There are things you can do to save this, but it sounds like you aren’t willing.
Anonymous
Post 06/08/2020 09:33     Subject: DH just asked for a divorce.
Anonymous wrote:OP - if he hasn’t left already. Ask him to leave. Do not beg or plead in front of him. If nothing else keep your dignity. Insist DH tell your child he is leaving and their will be two homes. DH knew your family when he married you and when you had a child. You don’t make him visit. The “no joy in the marriage” is BS and does sound like an affair or a mid-life crisis. Either way, it takes two in a marriage and DH has decided to quit rather than work with you to find joy. Hold your head high and live the best life you can.


Ignore this poster. This is exactly what you should not do. It starts the divide b/w you and your DH that you are forcing your kids to know it is DH’s fault. Plenty of blame to go around - no need to start poisoning the kids. If your advice is followers then OP needs to make sure her kids know what she did wrong to drive their dad away.

The communication to the kids needs to be a united front and all they need to know is that mommy and daddy have agreed to live separately, etc.

Anonymous
Post 06/08/2020 09:28     Subject: DH just asked for a divorce.
OP - if he hasn’t left already. Ask him to leave. Do not beg or plead in front of him. If nothing else keep your dignity. Insist DH tell your child he is leaving and their will be two homes. DH knew your family when he married you and when you had a child. You don’t make him visit. The “no joy in the marriage” is BS and does sound like an affair or a mid-life crisis. Either way, it takes two in a marriage and DH has decided to quit rather than work with you to find joy. Hold your head high and live the best life you can.
Anonymous
Post 06/08/2020 09:28     Subject: Re:DH just asked for a divorce.
Anonymous wrote:Normally when people post about their spouses, they manage to make themselves look great and the spouse look terrible.

Congrats OP, this is a first. Even your version of your DH sounds like a man who has patiently tried to make you happy by putting up with your obnoxious alcoholic enmeshed family, and finally reached his breaking point and wants an amicable divorce. Your twisting of the lovely breakfast that he made for you complete with flowers and card, was truly epic. He "set you up". Wow.

You had it, you didn't take his feelings into account, and now you've lost it. Next time try listening.


This is what I picked up as well. The more OP keeps volunteering, the more she reveals that she is the issue. Barely acknowledge her anniversary, prioritizing her niece and nephew's birthday (WTF?), etc - all too much for her DH to handle. Her DH has been probably signaling to her for years but she is clueless.