Anonymous
11/08/2019 16:08
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Eh, it's kind of a cliche but division of mental labor.
My husband pulls his weight in many ways and for years this was never an issue, but now that we have two small kids (6 months and 3 years) the burden of all of the planning/logistics/etc. is starting to overwhelm me, and I feel frustrated and we argue a lot about it. I feel like he is just not capable of thinking of everything the household needs and it makes us both really upset.
I definitely don't feel like he is my third child, thank god - he is completely self sufficient and also does a ton for the kids. He is just not as good at the abstract thinking as I am. Just for a small example - he makes the baby's bottles for daycare every day. I've never had to ask him to do this, nag him, remind him, etc. Every morning he gets my pumped milk out of the fridge, the formula, etc. and packs them up for daycare. Great, right?
BUT it literally never occurred to him that the baby is 6 months old now and should start eating regular food. I had to think about that, go to the grocery store and buy baby food, steam some carrots, remember to get them out at every meal. It's just a small thing but it explains how our whole dynamic is and it's so exhausting for me. He lives his life so relaxed because he is comfortable that all of his tasks will be given to him - as long as he executes his tasks, life is good. Meanwhile, I feel like I have to constantly worry because I am responsible for thinking about the thing nobody else thought about.
Anyway, this was never really a major issue for us until this year so I'm hopeful that it's just the strain of the second baby. Once we start sleeping again, the baby is into toddlerhood, etc. I hope we go back to our normal dynamic. We've always been really happy and this kind of sucks.
You’re doing it wrong. You have to assign your husband nights or entire jobs. As in you make dinner on Monday. Then don’t do anything. You don’t plan the menu, you don’t buy food, you don’t ask about it. If the baby isn’t served appropriate food then you ask what the baby is going to eat. See what he does. You’ll probably tell him he needs to go to the store to buy X or whatever.
Spoken like someone with a baby. The mental load becomes a lot greater when the kids are older and have more going on. But thanks for the lecture.
Nope. But I simply assign my husband responsibilities (soccer) and don’t do anything related to the responsibility including reminding.
These men are pulling one over on you if you think they can’t manage making dinner.
If my husband doesn’t keep up then I will be quitting my job and he will lose my salary.
Anonymous
11/08/2019 16:06
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Does everyone have an issue?
I can’t think of any
We didn't before kids now it's sex. But when it's sex, it bleeds into everything else. We are basically roommates but for now it's fine
I bet this person is a man.
Women will say when it’s everything else, it bleeds into sex.
OMG so true. Men don't understand the tone of whole relationship impact women's desire. Women don't compartmentalize sex from everything around them.
Mmm, speak for yourself. Women are not all alike.
Anonymous
11/08/2019 14:48
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Manchild puts friends and hobbies first; wife mothers him.
You're the man in question there, right?
Not sure why the eyeroll, but I'm the wife. We're in couples therapy and both recognize our problems, but change requires constant effort and we can lapse.
Anonymous
11/08/2019 14:12
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:this site should be called mommy martyrs. good lord, some of the contrived drama in the last few posts just exemplifies how f"ed up are some folks' lives. y'all need serious doses of therapy if you think all this crap is absolutely essential. None of our parents did this much and yet we all made survived.
Our parents did do a lot / all of this actually, but personally my mom didn't work so it was her job.
And women who also work have been complaining about this for generations so maybe it's real?
You sound like a man. Or maybe a "cool wife".
Anonymous
11/08/2019 14:07
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Does everyone have an issue?
I can’t think of any
We didn't before kids now it's sex. But when it's sex, it bleeds into everything else. We are basically roommates but for now it's fine
I bet this person is a man.
Women will say when it’s everything else, it bleeds into sex.
I think that’s the real issue. I don’t find chaotic or helpless people of either gender sexy. Those just seem like the traits of very young children. My real kids were capable by 8 of household tasks that my XH still can’t manage. I remarried a highly competent man and sex is not an issue.
Anonymous
11/08/2019 13:30
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:this site should be called mommy martyrs. good lord, some of the contrived drama in the last few posts just exemplifies how f"ed up are some folks' lives. y'all need serious doses of therapy if you think all this crap is absolutely essential. None of our parents did this much and yet we all made survived.
Well the problem is most of it IS absolutely essential. Suzys ortho appt? Who cares right? Just 7k down there drain and her teeth will be fugly. Over billed by the HOA? Eh what is $200 anyway. Field trip forms- yeah I’ll just ignore the form but still send Bobby to school and expect them to figure it out. They will be thrilled surely. Vaccines? Who needs ‘em. We love the measles yay! Who needs a chimney sweep- bunch of nonsense-
My parents did all of these things, and more. So did yours- you just did not notice. And if you are not doing these things in your household/ someone else is.
Fabulous over dramatization of life. those things do not occupy your head space every.freaking.day. those things come up from time to time and you manage them and deal with them. While we're at it, I should note that you did forget the time you "need" to spend on facebook and instragram and the time you "need" to spend catching up with girlfriends, etc.
So with all that, now I see how much more mental load you carry today. of course, our parents were just not as strong as you and the ladies here as they simply couldn't handle things in such a gracious way that you do.
GMAFB.
Anonymous
11/08/2019 12:35
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Does everyone have an issue?
I can’t think of any
We didn't before kids now it's sex. But when it's sex, it bleeds into everything else. We are basically roommates but for now it's fine
I bet this person is a man.
Women will say when it’s everything else, it bleeds into sex.
OMG so true. Men don't understand the tone of whole relationship impact women's desire. Women don't compartmentalize sex from everything around them.
OMG so not true and total BS. Married women cheat just as much as married men do - guess they must have special and unique skills to compartmentalize sex from everything else
What does cheating rates have to do with what we are talking about? The issue is sexlessness and the cause behind it for many women.
PP said that women don't compartmentalize sex. Affair partners aren't part of holistically great relationships. They're good for sex because that relationship is focused on sex and is compartmentalized off from everything else in the woman's life.
Anonymous
11/08/2019 10:43
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Does everyone have an issue?
I can’t think of any
We didn't before kids now it's sex. But when it's sex, it bleeds into everything else. We are basically roommates but for now it's fine
I bet this person is a man.
Women will say when it’s everything else, it bleeds into sex.
OMG so true. Men don't understand the tone of whole relationship impact women's desire. Women don't compartmentalize sex from everything around them.
OMG so not true and total BS. Married women cheat just as much as married men do - guess they must have special and unique skills to compartmentalize sex from everything else
What does cheating rates have to do with what we are talking about? The issue is sexlessness and the cause behind it for many women.
Anonymous
11/08/2019 10:34
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Eh, it's kind of a cliche but division of mental labor.
My husband pulls his weight in many ways and for years this was never an issue, but now that we have two small kids (6 months and 3 years) the burden of all of the planning/logistics/etc. is starting to overwhelm me, and I feel frustrated and we argue a lot about it. I feel like he is just not capable of thinking of everything the household needs and it makes us both really upset.
I definitely don't feel like he is my third child, thank god - he is completely self sufficient and also does a ton for the kids. He is just not as good at the abstract thinking as I am. Just for a small example - he makes the baby's bottles for daycare every day. I've never had to ask him to do this, nag him, remind him, etc. Every morning he gets my pumped milk out of the fridge, the formula, etc. and packs them up for daycare. Great, right?
BUT it literally never occurred to him that the baby is 6 months old now and should start eating regular food. I had to think about that, go to the grocery store and buy baby food, steam some carrots, remember to get them out at every meal. It's just a small thing but it explains how our whole dynamic is and it's so exhausting for me. He lives his life so relaxed because he is comfortable that all of his tasks will be given to him - as long as he executes his tasks, life is good. Meanwhile, I feel like I have to constantly worry because I am responsible for thinking about the thing nobody else thought about.
Anyway, this was never really a major issue for us until this year so I'm hopeful that it's just the strain of the second baby. Once we start sleeping again, the baby is into toddlerhood, etc. I hope we go back to our normal dynamic. We've always been really happy and this kind of sucks.
You’re doing it wrong. You have to assign your husband nights or entire jobs. As in you make dinner on Monday. Then don’t do anything. You don’t plan the menu, you don’t buy food, you don’t ask about it. If the baby isn’t served appropriate food then you ask what the baby is going to eat. See what he does. You’ll probably tell him he needs to go to the store to buy X or whatever.
Not really. My H is in charge with the laundry. Just the laundry, I do everything else. However, I end up doing the laundry too because someone has to do it. Last month I did a laundry strike so my H "started" doing the laundry. He left a load in the washing machine until it got moldy and he dumped the dirty clothes on the floor until we couldn't open the laundry door. Guess who ended up spending even more time trying to get the stench out of the moldy clothes and catching up with the laundry? Me. We both work FT.
Anonymous
11/08/2019 10:24
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:this site should be called mommy martyrs. good lord, some of the contrived drama in the last few posts just exemplifies how f"ed up are some folks' lives. y'all need serious doses of therapy if you think all this crap is absolutely essential. None of our parents did this much and yet we all made survived.
Well the problem is most of it IS absolutely essential. Suzys ortho appt? Who cares right? Just 7k down there drain and her teeth will be fugly. Over billed by the HOA? Eh what is $200 anyway. Field trip forms- yeah I’ll just ignore the form but still send Bobby to school and expect them to figure it out. They will be thrilled surely. Vaccines? Who needs ‘em. We love the measles yay! Who needs a chimney sweep- bunch of nonsense-
My parents did all of these things, and more. So did yours- you just did not notice. And if you are not doing these things in your household/ someone else is.
Anonymous
11/08/2019 10:04
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:His idea of dividing all the family responsibilities: I’ll do my best and she’ll do the rest.
Wasn't that in the marriage vows? I could have sworn....
Anonymous
11/08/2019 08:56
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Does everyone have an issue?
I can’t think of any
We didn't before kids now it's sex. But when it's sex, it bleeds into everything else. We are basically roommates but for now it's fine
I bet this person is a man.
Women will say when it’s everything else, it bleeds into sex.
OMG so true. Men don't understand the tone of whole relationship impact women's desire. Women don't compartmentalize sex from everything around them.
OMG so not true and total BS. Married women cheat just as much as married men do - guess they must have special and unique skills to compartmentalize sex from everything else
Anonymous
11/08/2019 08:55
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Eh, it's kind of a cliche but division of mental labor.
My husband pulls his weight in many ways and for years this was never an issue, but now that we have two small kids (6 months and 3 years) the burden of all of the planning/logistics/etc. is starting to overwhelm me, and I feel frustrated and we argue a lot about it. I feel like he is just not capable of thinking of everything the household needs and it makes us both really upset.
I definitely don't feel like he is my third child, thank god - he is completely self sufficient and also does a ton for the kids. He is just not as good at the abstract thinking as I am. Just for a small example - he makes the baby's bottles for daycare every day. I've never had to ask him to do this, nag him, remind him, etc. Every morning he gets my pumped milk out of the fridge, the formula, etc. and packs them up for daycare. Great, right?
BUT it literally never occurred to him that the baby is 6 months old now and should start eating regular food. I had to think about that, go to the grocery store and buy baby food, steam some carrots, remember to get them out at every meal. It's just a small thing but it explains how our whole dynamic is and it's so exhausting for me. He lives his life so relaxed because he is comfortable that all of his tasks will be given to him - as long as he executes his tasks, life is good. Meanwhile, I feel like I have to constantly worry because I am responsible for thinking about the thing nobody else thought about.
Anyway, this was never really a major issue for us until this year so I'm hopeful that it's just the strain of the second baby. Once we start sleeping again, the baby is into toddlerhood, etc. I hope we go back to our normal dynamic. We've always been really happy and this kind of sucks.
You’re doing it wrong. You have to assign your husband nights or entire jobs. As in you make dinner on Monday. Then don’t do anything. You don’t plan the menu, you don’t buy food, you don’t ask about it. If the baby isn’t served appropriate food then you ask what the baby is going to eat. See what he does. You’ll probably tell him he needs to go to the store to buy X or whatever.
Spoken like someone with a baby. The mental load becomes a lot greater when the kids are older and have more going on. But thanks for the lecture.
Anonymous
11/08/2019 08:50
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Does everyone have an issue?
I can’t think of any
We didn't before kids now it's sex. But when it's sex, it bleeds into everything else. We are basically roommates but for now it's fine
I bet this person is a man.
Women will say when it’s everything else, it bleeds into sex.
OMG so true. Men don't understand the tone of whole relationship impact women's desire. Women don't compartmentalize sex from everything around them.
Except when they do. Affairs are a thing, it turns out.
Anonymous
11/08/2019 08:48
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Serving dishes are the bane of my existence. My wife uses too many of them.
And a dinner with a protein and a vegetable uses five pots and pans and I do clean up?
Something like that. And the number of measuring spoons and cups that are apparently necessary is next level. It's stew, not a nuclear bomb. If you eyeball 3/4 of the full tablespoon you've already used for the last ingredient, I promise it will be ok.