I honestly don’t understand why op started this thread. What was he trying to gain?

Anonymous wrote:Please women do not go all freaky with the new guy. She did the same old boring stuff she did with OP and most likely just as bad. Every women has been conditioned by society to think of themselves are great at sex. Why would she change anything...she is great at sex!

Married women I have slept with are lavish with the spontaneous, enthusiastic BJs, and will let you in the back door on the first encounter. Not freaky, but most likely hubby ain't getting that any more if he ever did. Also, married women simply don't care if you use protection or not, so I never do.

Anonymous wrote:Hell yes, you inform the affair partner and spouse. No question. Truth needs daylight.

+1. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. Affairs thrive in secrecy - that's part of the thrill of cheating. Exposing the OM may or may not put an end to the affair once and for all, but it will shock your wife out of her fog once the crap hits the fan and she has to actually look at and be accountable for the destruction she and OM have caused.

You have no duty to keep their secret.

I have a friend who had this exact situation. Wife had affair with coworker for five years before he found out. Kids about the same age as OPs kids. He found out without her confessing.

He refused to let the marriage be over. She did end the affair. They continued to work together. The husband simply would not allow his kids to go through divorce/custody etc. and he actually loved his wife a lot.

Twenty + years later and they are happily married.

I don't know if he told the OM's wife but I doubt it. He didn't want to cause any problems that would make staying together with his own wife more difficult.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So she only stayed with you because the other guy was married, not because she wants it to work. Some guy gets to bang your wife and all of the good parts of her, you get no sex and all of the hassle. He's a lucky guy, all fun and no headache all on your sacrifices. [True]

Do you wonder if she did stuff with him that she won't do with you? I hear that's common.Did you ask? [Who cares. Doesn't matter. If they only did boring missionary vanilla PIV, she's still a cheater and you should still get divorced.]

It matters, you know she did stuff with the other guy that she would never do with her husband, probably still won't with him. The AP gets all of the freaky stuff.

Nope. Doesn't matter.

What would a betrayed husband do differently if his wife "only" gave some other dude the same kind of sex she gave him, as opposed to freaky stuff? Nothing. Once she takes some other guy's dick, that's it, it's over. Doesn't matter at all what she does with that dick.

Please women do not go all freaky with the new guy. She did the same old boring stuff she did with OP and most likely just as bad. Every women has been conditioned by society to think of themselves are great at sex. Why would she change anything...she is great at sex!

Not true! I was once OM. I definitely got the goods that she wasn't giving to him!

OP, as many have said, go to therapy alone. Figure out what you want. Insist she go to therapy alone so she knows what she wants.

It's possible this can be saved. But you both have to know what you want.

But please, please keep your eyes open to the fact that she's okay with lying to you.

Whoa, I just read this entire thread and it’s crazy. OP, you aren’t making good choices. I’m sorry for everything you’re going through but your wife sucks

OP when people show you who they are believe them! So she was with another guy wait for it ..... for years ! She thought so much of your marriage and family that she only confessed after you found out ? You think you’re trying to save something very valuable. Sorry buddy - she shown you how much it’s ‘worth’ ...zip, nada, nothing !

Please go to individual therapy before you consider marriage counseling and don’t believe this Esther Perel crap. Better still save your money for the divorce lawyer/ mediator. There is an entire industry that feeds off the end of a marriage and the divorce. You’re are done. Get smart and avoid it as much as possible

Hell yes, you inform the affair partner and spouse. No question. Truth needs daylight.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inform the head of HR. That will end it!

Not necessarily...they would have had to violate a workplace policy and marital status is not relevant.

As a former CEO I can assure you that one or both of them would have been quietly asked to leave.

Really? Even if they aren't boss / subordinate and it didn't impact their work?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inform the head of HR. That will end it!

Not necessarily...they would have had to violate a workplace policy and marital status is not relevant.

As a former CEO I can assure you that one or both of them would have been quietly asked to leave.

Anonymous wrote:Inform the head of HR. That will end it!

Not necessarily...they would have had to violate a workplace policy and marital status is not relevant.

You are taking HER word for it that the affair is over?? Because “you’ve been told”?? **bangs head on desk** How can you possibly trust her word? She lied to your for three years, in a very calculated way. She lacks integrity and she lacks respect for you. And you say that you want to “fight for your wife” and do what’s best for her.

There are no boundaries to your love for her. She doesn’t have to meet the lowest bar as far as basic decency, care and respect — you will still fight for her, refuse to give up on her, take her at her word and stay with her. This is not going to motivate her to get herself together and commit to your marriage.

She needs to understand that if she doesn’t take the steps necessary to earn back your trust and repair your marriage, then the marriage is over. Otherwise she will continue to disrespect you. Let HER hustle...I imagine that you were the one to book the therapy appointment, am I right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So she only stayed with you because the other guy was married, not because she wants it to work. Some guy gets to bang your wife and all of the good parts of her, you get no sex and all of the hassle. He's a lucky guy, all fun and no headache all on your sacrifices. [True]

Do you wonder if she did stuff with him that she won't do with you? I hear that's common.Did you ask? [Who cares. Doesn't matter. If they only did boring missionary vanilla PIV, she's still a cheater and you should still get divorced.]

It matters, you know she did stuff with the other guy that she would never do with her husband, probably still won't with him. The AP gets all of the freaky stuff.

Nope. Doesn't matter.

What would a betrayed husband do differently if his wife "only" gave some other dude the same kind of sex she gave him, as opposed to freaky stuff? Nothing. Once she takes some other guy's dick, that's it, it's over. Doesn't matter at all what she does with that dick.

Please women do not go all freaky with the new guy. She did the same old boring stuff she did with OP and most likely just as bad. Every women has been conditioned by society to think of themselves are great at sex. Why would she change anything...she is great at sex!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So how did OP find out?

He said phone records and find my phone

I don’t understand why OP thinks his marriage is salvageable. It’s not like she had a come to Jesus moment. She simply got busted.

A years-long affair means these two had not only great chemistry but real feelings for each other. For most people who were happy in a long relationship that abruptly ends, it’s a devastating experience. DW is not happy about this ending. Many people don’t divorce simply because it’s a massive, expensive task that can take well over a year. If all it took were three days of dealing with an accountant and signing some papers many would run off with someone else.