Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had my kids at 31 and 33, which according to current standards is about the perfect age. However, my own parent had me at 23 and 24 and it's weird to me to think that when my parents were my age (46), I was already out of college, whereas my own kids are 12 and 14. I'm a bit torn because I certainly enjoyed my childfree time in my 20's, but hate to think that my kids and future grandkids will be younger when I'm gone. I didn't lose my first grandparent, till I was in my 40s. I understand the benefits of delaying kids, but sometimes, I think society is doing a disservice to us by encouraging this.

Perfect accoridng to YOU. I wish i had had them at 36 or 37. The perfect age to get married (according to me) is 30 -32 and then you need 5 ish years to gel as a couple and have fun before kids.

I know this is slightly off topic but I never understand when people say things like this about post-marriage life. Weren’t you together before getting married, gelling as a couple and enjoying your lives together? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pushing people to have kids right after getting married. My husband and I were married for several years before we started trying to have kids, but it wasn’t about getting to know each other. We did that for many years before we got married.

Anonymous wrote:I had my kids at 31 and 33, which according to current standards is about the perfect age. However, my own parent had me at 23 and 24 and it's weird to me to think that when my parents were my age (46), I was already out of college, whereas my own kids are 12 and 14. I'm a bit torn because I certainly enjoyed my childfree time in my 20's, but hate to think that my kids and future grandkids will be younger when I'm gone. I didn't lose my first grandparent, till I was in my 40s. I understand the benefits of delaying kids, but sometimes, I think society is doing a disservice to us by encouraging this.

Perfect accoridng to YOU. I wish i had had them at 36 or 37. The perfect age to get married (according to me) is 30 -32 and then you need 5 ish years to gel as a couple and have fun before kids.

I’m from a large family, my mother is from a large family, and there are lots of large families related to ours.

It’s just a simple fact that the youngest and oldest kids in a large family will have different experiences and relationships with grandparents. My oldest siblings knew my mother’s parents, and I did not. My mother was born when her mother was over 40, and I was born when my mother was around 40.

Although I wish I had known my grandparents, I certainly don’t wish that childbearing was limited to very young women, or that I hadn’t been born because I would never know my grandparents. That’s a bonus in life, but my childhood was better in many ways than those of my oldest siblings, who were born when my parents were young, less mature, and had money struggles. That tainted their childhoods to a fairly significant degree, but I didn’t experience that at all. I wouldn’t trade with them, grandparents or no.

There are a lot of men out there who don't want to commit/settle down during their 20's or even 30's. My late 30's female friends have had a difficult time finding men who want more than a fling. Maybe men need to be encouraged to marry earlier.

Anonymous wrote:I think we all just do the best we can with what we have.

I was pregnant unexpectedly at 25 (was engaged to DH) so we became parents A LOT earlier than we planned to. Did we have financial support - yes, a little from my parents when we needed it early on and we are grateful for that. Did my career suffer? Yep. But it also led me to a slower-paced, passion-fueled career that I would certainly not have landed in had I dove headfirst into work at that age. We're very happy, and now that we're parents of an older child we are looking very much forward to being in our mid/late 40s when we're empty nesters. It's weird to know what we'll have peers raising toddlers at that time, but we are happy for how it's worked out for us.

Our neighbors who are 50 with elementary aged children are also mostly happy-seeming. And I'm sure their 20s/early 30s were much more fun and carefree and financially flush than ours were!

It's all a giant trade off, and we have far less control than we believe we do with these things.

It's this but at the same time I think OP is right that there is this message out there that if you're smart you won't have kids young because kids ruin your life take all your time etc. Of course this is true to some degree but it's exacerbated by lack social welfare benefits for women and children . I left college in 1991 knowing that I wasn't going to have any kids until at least age 30 or even settle down because I wanted to be smart. As it happened it was a decade more (age 40) that I had my first and I still wasn't sure I was ready. I truly never thought about my fertility until around age 35 or so. I did not have a lot of close women friends and never discussed these things with anyone--these messages I absorbed from the media. I think we do spend a tremendous amount of time talking about the work children bring you and none at all talking about joy and benefits of being a parent--all the things that might make you curious and willing to start earlier. Motherhood in my mind was very much a story about the end of your own independent life.

It's not society. It's not always about propaganda and ideology. It's economics, stupid. Cost of raising children, the level of education required to have a career to afford college, medical care and retirement - all that has changed drastically since the yesteryear. In the past you could have a SAH mom, guaranteed pension, and enough for a comfortable life as a blue collar assembly worker in an auto plant with only a high school diploma. That's gone. Society doesn't discourage, it's the math that doesn't work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I am 42. My daughter is 16 and was an accident. I was absolutely NOT mature enough to have her when I did. I wish I could have waited until around 38 or so. That's when I felt like I really had a handle on being an adult I felt good about, not just faking it by doing adult things. Never mind that I was on welfare and food stamps and DD has food insecurity."

I am 43 and my oldest will be 19 next week, so I was even younger than you when i started having kids.

We were not on welfare, food stamps, or food insecure. I was not "faking" doing adult things. The fact that you were is indicative of YOUR skills and abilities, and nothing to do with age.

So your 19 yo will start recreating ASAP? Is that your wish for them?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^^ Did it occur to you that you did not attract men who wanted to settle down because you were not interested in settling down?

there are literally only TWO people in my social circle (that spans 2 countries and 4 states) that I know of who had babies prior to 30. The first one got accidentally pregnant at 26. The second one married an uber-catholic 22 year old who did a super hard sell him when he was already over 30 ... so yeah, not really seeing that men OR women are interested in settling down prior to 30.

I just have to laugh at this. Because they’re not in your social circle, they don’t exist? I grew up in an upper middle class suburb in the northeast and attended Ivy League schools. There are several of us in my social circles which span several states and 3 countries that met in our early/mid 20s and had at least one kid during late 20s.

Anonymous wrote:^^^^ Did it occur to you that you did not attract men who wanted to settle down because you were not interested in settling down?

there are literally only TWO people in my social circle (that spans 2 countries and 4 states) that I know of who had babies prior to 30. The first one got accidentally pregnant at 26. The second one married an uber-catholic 22 year old who did a super hard sell him when he was already over 30 ... so yeah, not really seeing that men OR women are interested in settling down prior to 30.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^^ Did it occur to you that you did not attract men who wanted to settle down because you were not interested in settling down?

Sure, but my friends who were didn't attract them either.

Or they did, in the aforementioned categories, and were divorced by 25. I supervise about 15 young guys in their early 20s. Some of them have serious-ish girlfriends, but none are rushing to the alter.

Among my friend group it’s not just delaying for “fun” but for education and work. As more careers that require an intense training/work time in your 20s open up to women, of course women who have that desire to explore those paths will delay.

I had my kids in my mid-30s and I feel good about it. My 20s were full of experiences I wouldn’t have had if parenting, and I have more patience and life experience with which to parent now. I feel able to set myself aside and consider my children’s needs without having that unfulfilled/resentful feeling that can develop for women who have other life ambitions or yearnings but can’t pursue them at 45/50 once motherhood is over. At that point you might be up for some travel but it’s rare to have the drive to start developing yourself if you put that on the back burner your whole life.

Anonymous wrote:^^^^ Did it occur to you that you did not attract men who wanted to settle down because you were not interested in settling down?

Sure, but my friends who were didn't attract them either.

^^^^ Did it occur to you that you did not attract men who wanted to settle down because you were not interested in settling down?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s one of the huge mistakes of today’s society and I silently shake my head in sad confusion whenever I see a pregnant person in their 40s or late 30s. It’s not right. Our bodies know it’s not right, but science makes it possible.

It’s one of the many mistake’s of today’s society. We are living in very unnatural times.

You know your theory is debunked every time a 40 year old gets pregnant naturally without even trying? My mom was on birth control. And still got pregnant at 40.

Me and I assume the PP certainly realize that women get pregnant naturally in their 40’s. That’s not where the huge mistake comes in. It’s intentiinally putting it off to that age.

Why? As a PP said, pre birth control, women had babies ALL THE TIME in their 30s and 40s. Not sure what point you're trying to make, other than you think women's only function is a baby factories and they should get to it as soon as possible?

Off topic, but I believe there are factors in our environment that may be causing fertility issues. My maternal grandmother had 8 kids, from her 20s to around 40. I have 6 female cousins,so there are 7 of us. Of those 6,

1 never got married,
My oldest cousin had 2 children in her late 20s with no fertility issues,
1 got married in her late 30s and eventually had a child after a couple years of trying but then got divorced,

1 had 1 child, then ovarian cancer at a very young age that has rendered her infertile,
1 tried IVF unsuccessfully and has no children
1 is infertile and is refusing to try any medical interventions,
I got married in my early 20s and had 2 children naturally after 3 years of trying, at a pretty young age (20s).

All of my infertile cousins and myself got married in our late 20s. Of my less fertile cousins, only I was able to have 2 children. I know this is anecdotal but it is so striking. My grandmother had 3 or 4 children in her 30s, and 4/7 of her granddaughters have dealt with fertility issues. I think our chemical environment may be creating fertility issues that exacerbate the issues that people have getting pregnant at an older age.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s one of the huge mistakes of today’s society and I silently shake my head in sad confusion whenever I see a pregnant person in their 40s or late 30s. It’s not right. Our bodies know it’s not right, but science makes it possible.

It’s one of the many mistake’s of today’s society. We are living in very unnatural times.

Unfortunately, when women were encouraged to marry and have children early, they had very few civil rights. I can’t really imagine how we can change things for women to be supported in having children in their 20’s while still pursuing careers that are equal to men’s careers.

Additionally, a lot of this is due to the fact that MEN don’t want to settle down and have kids in their 20’s, either.

People always leave this out. Not a single guy I dated in my 20s wanted to marry and settle down (I didn't either) in their 20s. The only guys I knew who did were traditional or more religious men who normally had ideas about women and their roles that I was far from interested in. Or, they were the super unrealistic impulsive types. Are you supposed to marry those guys, or wait and get married later to the ones you click with but also wanted to enjoy their 20s and work on their careers? I chose the latter.