Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In what world do guests not offer to clear the table? As a host, I usually decline offers unless it is informal with close family. My brother can assist in the kitchen. My husband's works friends are told to go relax. How are people so impolite?

+100! It's so crazy that so many people think it's ok to just up and leave from a table like that. I don't want to touch someone's dirty napkin with saliva and snot.

What the hell is happening at your dinners?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds incredibly hostile and rude for such small matters.

FIL is a horrible man. PERIOD. FIL to avoid conflict with his wife decides he doesn't want a relationship with his own child for all his life. Oh - even after the man's mother dies.

OP keeps saying DH is a softie - like that's a bad thing and repeats it with venom. Her DH is doing nothing but trying to have a relationship with his brother. Trying to get to know him better. This has been a 3 year process. It's not like the man just showed up on the door dropping dirty napkins.

It's less than a week - and yes some people are dirtier than others, some men rely heavily on their wives in life to manage even the smallest of things. But this particular husband is a recovering! alcoholic - went to rehab, trying to clean himself up - and apparently he's trusted enough to be alone with their child.

Honestly - I find it all sad that OP is just stomping all over the place and obviously detests this man and the "shrieking" 2 year old. Calling him names like Dingbat, etc.

You're horrible OP - not because you want guests to clean up after themselves - you can have a honest talk with your BIL - and YES he is your BIL because your DH has welcomed into your family. You're parsing words like half-brother and DH's brother - you are simply mean and nasty. I hope you are never in a situation wherein you need the kindness and support of others or someone simply to extend you some grace.

Totally agree - this poor man. He just wants to connect with his bio family. His father is a deadbeat and his brother seems like a decent sort but is married to an absolute horror show of a wife. Hopefully the bro will divorce OP and be rid of this insanity!

(It is customary for a host to clean up after guests. I would not bat an eye if a dinner guest left a napkin on a plate. OP is reacting like he wiped his butt with toilet paper and left it on a plate! Seriously, even if I ha d a guest who forgot to flush, I wouldn’t hang on the guest room door and tell him to come down and flush! OP is a raging, nasty lunatic.)

I don't know about you, but new people showing up on my doorstep with a 2 yo and wife divorcing them, telling me that he is my father's love child.... I don't have the time nor energy to care about that. Maybe next month we can do coffee downtown. But don't show up and expect to sleep over in my house just because ancestry.com told you we are maybe related. Then to show up and be a slob? No time for that either, and there won't be a next time. Will have to be coffee chat, downtown.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds incredibly hostile and rude for such small matters.

FIL is a horrible man. PERIOD. FIL to avoid conflict with his wife decides he doesn't want a relationship with his own child for all his life. Oh - even after the man's mother dies.

OP keeps saying DH is a softie - like that's a bad thing and repeats it with venom. Her DH is doing nothing but trying to have a relationship with his brother. Trying to get to know him better. This has been a 3 year process. It's not like the man just showed up on the door dropping dirty napkins.

It's less than a week - and yes some people are dirtier than others, some men rely heavily on their wives in life to manage even the smallest of things. But this particular husband is a recovering! alcoholic - went to rehab, trying to clean himself up - and apparently he's trusted enough to be alone with their child.

Honestly - I find it all sad that OP is just stomping all over the place and obviously detests this man and the "shrieking" 2 year old. Calling him names like Dingbat, etc.

You're horrible OP - not because you want guests to clean up after themselves - you can have a honest talk with your BIL - and YES he is your BIL because your DH has welcomed into your family. You're parsing words like half-brother and DH's brother - you are simply mean and nasty. I hope you are never in a situation wherein you need the kindness and support of others or someone simply to extend you some grace.

Totally agree - this poor man. He just wants to connect with his bio family. His father is a deadbeat and his brother seems like a decent sort but is married to an absolute horror show of a wife. Hopefully the bro will divorce OP and be rid of this insanity!

(It is customary for a host to clean up after guests. I would not bat an eye if a dinner guest left a napkin on a plate. OP is reacting like he wiped his butt with toilet paper and left it on a plate! Seriously, even if I ha d a guest who forgot to flush, I wouldn’t hang on the guest room door and tell him to come down and flush! OP is a raging, nasty lunatic.)

Agree with OP that dirty napkins are gross. I would have told this guy off too. I host on Airbnb and have reprimanded some guests for leaving their dishes around.

Houseguests should pick up after themselves. This is a basic habit that one should have learned from age 2 yo onwards.

Houseguests should not expect full service when staying in my home. If you're staying 1-3 nights, we will do all the food shopping, meals, offer some sight-seeing options and rides (if the weekend). Bring your own special snacks, diet crap, and drinks you like.

My house is a tightly run ship with 3 kids who need lunchboxes, breakfast, school and sports snacks so NO, you don't just grab anything you see and use it or eat it.

Sadly, our family guests are the most self-centered ones. our family friends come and bring flowers/a meal, rent a car, clean up after themselves. Our adult siblings who are single wander around breaking things and eating 24/7 everything they see like it's some all-inclusive resort. Our adult siblings who are married w/children, bring all their own stuff and are very responsible and nice houseguests - ask before using stuff, plan ahead w us, etc. When the grandparents visit one set stays 2-4 nights and helps a ton, likes to eat out, rents a car. The other set is more dependent but cooks dinner and cleans up after themselves decently (FIL eats and snacks A LOT, so crumbs are everywhere and food disappears all week long. Our pantries and even costco proteins are totally depleted after their 1-2 week long visits and they never offer to replace depleted anything - chicken, flour, cereal, perishables, drinks, etc.)

If you are running a family w children (age 0-18), houseguests can really F up the routine. And who has time for grocery shopping more than 1 or 2 times a week? Not us.

Anonymous wrote:How do you do it? I find it absolutely gross that dirty napkins are being left on placemats and there is no switch going on in their minds that such things need to be taken care of before they leave the table. I want to call out "Hey, could you please throw that in the bin?" but DH would think that's mean (don't know why but he's a doormat). Btw, these are grown-ass adults in their 30s (and actually older than me).

You're the one with no manners.

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds incredibly hostile and rude for such small matters.

FIL is a horrible man. PERIOD. FIL to avoid conflict with his wife decides he doesn't want a relationship with his own child for all his life. Oh - even after the man's mother dies.

OP keeps saying DH is a softie - like that's a bad thing and repeats it with venom. Her DH is doing nothing but trying to have a relationship with his brother. Trying to get to know him better. This has been a 3 year process. It's not like the man just showed up on the door dropping dirty napkins.

It's less than a week - and yes some people are dirtier than others, some men rely heavily on their wives in life to manage even the smallest of things. But this particular husband is a recovering! alcoholic - went to rehab, trying to clean himself up - and apparently he's trusted enough to be alone with their child.

Honestly - I find it all sad that OP is just stomping all over the place and obviously detests this man and the "shrieking" 2 year old. Calling him names like Dingbat, etc.

You're horrible OP - not because you want guests to clean up after themselves - you can have a honest talk with your BIL - and YES he is your BIL because your DH has welcomed into your family. You're parsing words like half-brother and DH's brother - you are simply mean and nasty. I hope you are never in a situation wherein you need the kindness and support of others or someone simply to extend you some grace.

Totally agree - this poor man. He just wants to connect with his bio family. His father is a deadbeat and his brother seems like a decent sort but is married to an absolute horror show of a wife. Hopefully the bro will divorce OP and be rid of this insanity!

(It is customary for a host to clean up after guests. I would not bat an eye if a dinner guest left a napkin on a plate. OP is reacting like he wiped his butt with toilet paper and left it on a plate! Seriously, even if I ha d a guest who forgot to flush, I wouldn’t hang on the guest room door and tell him to come down and flush! OP is a raging, nasty lunatic.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is weird, OP. Generally guests do NOT clean the table. I don’t know where you got your norms from, but it IS normal for a meal guest to walk away from the table after eating g without cleaning up. It is NOT a fast food restaurant and guests do not bus their own tables. Read a book on etiquette.

New poster here and I disagree. I travel widely and get hosted by many people. Nowhere would it have been acceptable for me to just leave my plates or used napkins on the table. The least effort should be to bring it to the sink or throw your rubbish in the bin. Unless of course the host says "OH just leave it". This isn't about busing tables but about not treating your host like the help.

Another NP here, I've also travelled and lived all over the world and it's absolutely rude to just get up and walk away without cleaning up your own mess at the table. There are some people who would genuinely prefer to do it themselves (for various reasons) but for 90% of people, they accept the help, even if it's "just" scraping off your plate into the trashcan and stacking your dishes in the dishwasher (or adjacent to the sink if it's good china to be hand washed).

If someone just got up and walked away at my dinner table without cleaning up their mess, they would never be invited back.

Anonymous wrote:In what world do guests not offer to clear the table? As a host, I usually decline offers unless it is informal with close family. My brother can assist in the kitchen. My husband's works friends are told to go relax. How are people so impolite?

+100! It's so crazy that so many people think it's ok to just up and leave from a table like that. I don't want to touch someone's dirty napkin with saliva and snot.

We need Jerry Springer to sort this sh!t out.

In what world do guests not offer to clear the table? As a host, I usually decline offers unless it is informal with close family. My brother can assist in the kitchen. My husband's works friends are told to go relax. How are people so impolite?

Anonymous wrote:This is weird, OP. Generally guests do NOT clean the table. I don’t know where you got your norms from, but it IS normal for a meal guest to walk away from the table after eating g without cleaning up. It is NOT a fast food restaurant and guests do not bus their own tables. Read a book on etiquette.

Interesting. Leaving your dirty plates and napkins is common when eating out in Asia but not when you're inside someone's home!

Anonymous wrote:This is weird, OP. Generally guests do NOT clean the table. I don’t know where you got your norms from, but it IS normal for a meal guest to walk away from the table after eating g without cleaning up. It is NOT a fast food restaurant and guests do not bus their own tables. Read a book on etiquette.

New poster here and I disagree. I travel widely and get hosted by many people. Nowhere would it have been acceptable for me to just leave my plates or used napkins on the table. The least effort should be to bring it to the sink or throw your rubbish in the bin. Unless of course the host says "OH just leave it". This isn't about busing tables but about not treating your host like the help.

This is weird, OP. Generally guests do NOT clean the table. I don’t know where you got your norms from, but it IS normal for a meal guest to walk away from the table after eating g without cleaning up. It is NOT a fast food restaurant and guests do not bus their own tables. Read a book on etiquette.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if they don’t clean up the plates stay on the table.

If it gets to be dinner time and they haven’t cleared their stuff. Then you ask your DH to do it. YOU do not pick up after them if you don’t want to.

Update: I knocked on said person's room to come and get rid of his dirty napkin. He apologized for forgetting it, came back up to the kitchen and disposed of it in the trash. I guess he'll remember next time.

So rude and just plain nuts!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so many pollyannas on this thread. So the OP is not within her rights to be mad? You guys expect a saint?

She has a right to whatever feelings she has.

Calling people dingbats and idiots and banging on doors for a dirty napkin and speaking ill of someone just because they are not the best guest? She may want to re-evaluate why things bother her so much.

It's an anonymous forum. It's probably her only channel to vent.