Anonymous
09/17/2018 13:35
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Another dcum thread where parents hold money over their kids' heads in order to retain control and not let go. Shocking.
What's scary is that y'all dress it up in "accountability" and "investment" and they're not adults unless they're paying the bills ( tell that to SAHPs or the disabled or students going to college in full aid. Whatever.)
Keep telling yourself that but everyone else can see that it is about eking out every last inch of control you can get.
What is wrong with having accountability? If your parents are paying the bill, you should be accountable. You will always be accountable in your life - parents, teachers, boss, spouse, etc. You think parents should just write blank check and never care.
My kid is accountable to himself and to his professors.
Do you think the professors care at all? No. If I pay the bill, they are accountable to me. If they don't want to be accountable, they can pay for it on their own.
It doesn’t work that way in our house. Our kids are accountable to themselves.
One just finished med school and the other gets excellent (self-reported) grades, so we have done something right.
Our kids are accountable to us if they expect us to pay.
PP here. We have paid for their undergraduate education. It never occurred to us not to do so.
Are you serious? Do you know that most kids go to college with zero help from family, right?. It is a complete luxury to pay for a college education for your kids. It is by far not the norm. They could easily go to community college, work part time while going to school part time, take a gap year and save money. Do one semester school, one semester paid co-op/internship. Have worked PT all 4 years of high school and saved up a good chunk of money to help.
It is absolutely NOT a necessity for parents to pay for kids college. It is not a necessity to go to a 4yr college and pay $15K a year to live there PLUS $5 to eat there. Most people don't pay $20K a year on their mortgage. But you think paying that for one kid to live in a box shared with a stranger is a must? This is a huge issue. It is a huge burden for many families, dipping into savings, taking out equity lines, decreasing retirement savings, etc... for this fake news of success in life. And then they spend a lifetime paying off debt, that started at the age of 20. And the kids that don't have any debt because Mommy and Daddy paid for it all? They are the first to rack up credit card debt, live outside their means of a their first job, and continue to depend on their parents well into their 20's. Many move back home.
So many parents have their kids beef up their college resumes with nonsense instead of having their kids do well at school and work part time, like the majority of us did. And being held accountable is a GOOD thing. Handing over free money and saying "I will still watch over you to make sure you don't mess up because this is my money" is an extremely bad thing. And the fact that most of you don't see that is very scary.
What is your point? We know that we are privileged. Our kids know that, as well. They see that their friends at school are incurring student debt.
In our family, we pay for our kids' undergraduate degrees. They are responsible for their spending money, and for getting good grades.
We don't check grades but our kids share them with us when it occurs to them.
Our kids are young adults now. One just finished medical school and the other is at a SLAC, doing very well. They both have credit cards, which they pay off monthly. Neither lives at home (but they would be welcome to do so if it would help them get through grad or professional school more easily). They are responsible young adults.
So again, I ask you: What is your point?
If they both are in their 20's, how do you know they pay off their credit cards monthly? That seems super creepy that you even know that. You are either a co-signer or just still completely over-involved in their adult lives. Maybe that is one of the points the PP was trying to say
They tell me. We have always talked openly about the stupidity of carrying consumer debt.
PP above noted with respect to young adults whose parents pay for their education, "(t)hey are the first to rack up credit card debt, live outside their means of a their first job, and continue to depend on their parents well into their 20's. Many move back home." My comment was responsive to that because that has not been our experience.
To the other PP re: the medical school grad, that sense of responsibility didn't happen overnight. She was responsible for her money and her grades, with no involvement from us (other than us paying for tuition, room & board) from the beginning of college.
Anonymous
09/17/2018 13:24
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Another dcum thread where parents hold money over their kids' heads in order to retain control and not let go. Shocking.
What's scary is that y'all dress it up in "accountability" and "investment" and they're not adults unless they're paying the bills ( tell that to SAHPs or the disabled or students going to college in full aid. Whatever.)
Keep telling yourself that but everyone else can see that it is about eking out every last inch of control you can get.
What is wrong with having accountability? If your parents are paying the bill, you should be accountable. You will always be accountable in your life - parents, teachers, boss, spouse, etc. You think parents should just write blank check and never care.
My kid is accountable to himself and to his professors.
Do you think the professors care at all? No. If I pay the bill, they are accountable to me. If they don't want to be accountable, they can pay for it on their own.
It doesn’t work that way in our house. Our kids are accountable to themselves.
One just finished med school and the other gets excellent (self-reported) grades, so we have done something right.
Our kids are accountable to us if they expect us to pay.
PP here. We have paid for their undergraduate education. It never occurred to us not to do so.
Are you serious? Do you know that most kids go to college with zero help from family, right?. It is a complete luxury to pay for a college education for your kids. It is by far not the norm. They could easily go to community college, work part time while going to school part time, take a gap year and save money. Do one semester school, one semester paid co-op/internship. Have worked PT all 4 years of high school and saved up a good chunk of money to help.
It is absolutely NOT a necessity for parents to pay for kids college. It is not a necessity to go to a 4yr college and pay $15K a year to live there PLUS $5 to eat there. Most people don't pay $20K a year on their mortgage. But you think paying that for one kid to live in a box shared with a stranger is a must? This is a huge issue. It is a huge burden for many families, dipping into savings, taking out equity lines, decreasing retirement savings, etc... for this fake news of success in life. And then they spend a lifetime paying off debt, that started at the age of 20. And the kids that don't have any debt because Mommy and Daddy paid for it all? They are the first to rack up credit card debt, live outside their means of a their first job, and continue to depend on their parents well into their 20's. Many move back home.
So many parents have their kids beef up their college resumes with nonsense instead of having their kids do well at school and work part time, like the majority of us did. And being held accountable is a GOOD thing. Handing over free money and saying "I will still watch over you to make sure you don't mess up because this is my money" is an extremely bad thing. And the fact that most of you don't see that is very scary.
What is your point? We know that we are privileged. Our kids know that, as well. They see that their friends at school are incurring student debt.
In our family, we pay for our kids' undergraduate degrees. They are responsible for their spending money, and for getting good grades.
We don't check grades but our kids share them with us when it occurs to them.
Our kids are young adults now. One just finished medical school and the other is at a SLAC, doing very well. They both have credit cards, which they pay off monthly. Neither lives at home (but they would be welcome to do so if it would help them get through grad or professional school more easily). They are responsible young adults.
So again, I ask you: What is your point?
If they both are in their 20's, how do you know they pay off their credit cards monthly? That seems super creepy that you even know that. You are either a co-signer or just still completely over-involved in their adult lives. Maybe that is one of the points the PP was trying to say
I would hope that a person who finished med school would be handling their own finances....and, yeah, have and pay for adult things like their own credit card.
Do parents who check on their children's grades in college/med school also check their kids' bank and credit statements when they are grown and living on their own? Please say...no.
Anonymous
09/17/2018 13:23
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
I log in often.
Anonymous
09/17/2018 13:20
Subject: Re:Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
All I'm reading is that y'all raised some messed up kids. I have four kids that graduated from college without me ever checking grades. I didn't have to worry about it because by the time the kids were grown adults, they were capable of managing their lives without mommy's help. I didn't didn't check their grades their senior years of high school, for heaven's sake. Do you plan to follow behind them at work to be sure they are completing assigned tasks.
If you have to check up on your college kid, you failed years ago.
If you have to check up on your college kid, you failed years ago.
Anonymous
09/17/2018 13:14
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Another dcum thread where parents hold money over their kids' heads in order to retain control and not let go. Shocking.
What's scary is that y'all dress it up in "accountability" and "investment" and they're not adults unless they're paying the bills ( tell that to SAHPs or the disabled or students going to college in full aid. Whatever.)
Keep telling yourself that but everyone else can see that it is about eking out every last inch of control you can get.
What is wrong with having accountability? If your parents are paying the bill, you should be accountable. You will always be accountable in your life - parents, teachers, boss, spouse, etc. You think parents should just write blank check and never care.
My kid is accountable to himself and to his professors.
Do you think the professors care at all? No. If I pay the bill, they are accountable to me. If they don't want to be accountable, they can pay for it on their own.
It doesn’t work that way in our house. Our kids are accountable to themselves.
One just finished med school and the other gets excellent (self-reported) grades, so we have done something right.
Our kids are accountable to us if they expect us to pay.
PP here. We have paid for their undergraduate education. It never occurred to us not to do so.
Are you serious? Do you know that most kids go to college with zero help from family, right?. It is a complete luxury to pay for a college education for your kids. It is by far not the norm. They could easily go to community college, work part time while going to school part time, take a gap year and save money. Do one semester school, one semester paid co-op/internship. Have worked PT all 4 years of high school and saved up a good chunk of money to help.
It is absolutely NOT a necessity for parents to pay for kids college. It is not a necessity to go to a 4yr college and pay $15K a year to live there PLUS $5 to eat there. Most people don't pay $20K a year on their mortgage. But you think paying that for one kid to live in a box shared with a stranger is a must? This is a huge issue. It is a huge burden for many families, dipping into savings, taking out equity lines, decreasing retirement savings, etc... for this fake news of success in life. And then they spend a lifetime paying off debt, that started at the age of 20. And the kids that don't have any debt because Mommy and Daddy paid for it all? They are the first to rack up credit card debt, live outside their means of a their first job, and continue to depend on their parents well into their 20's. Many move back home.
So many parents have their kids beef up their college resumes with nonsense instead of having their kids do well at school and work part time, like the majority of us did. And being held accountable is a GOOD thing. Handing over free money and saying "I will still watch over you to make sure you don't mess up because this is my money" is an extremely bad thing. And the fact that most of you don't see that is very scary.
Shhhh - stop making sense. Entitled over-achieving helicopter Mommies do not like to be told the truth. It is more fun to keep up with the Jones' and have full control on your adult kid's lives.
Anonymous
09/17/2018 13:12
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Another dcum thread where parents hold money over their kids' heads in order to retain control and not let go. Shocking.
What's scary is that y'all dress it up in "accountability" and "investment" and they're not adults unless they're paying the bills ( tell that to SAHPs or the disabled or students going to college in full aid. Whatever.)
Keep telling yourself that but everyone else can see that it is about eking out every last inch of control you can get.
What is wrong with having accountability? If your parents are paying the bill, you should be accountable. You will always be accountable in your life - parents, teachers, boss, spouse, etc. You think parents should just write blank check and never care.
My kid is accountable to himself and to his professors.
Do you think the professors care at all? No. If I pay the bill, they are accountable to me. If they don't want to be accountable, they can pay for it on their own.
It doesn’t work that way in our house. Our kids are accountable to themselves.
One just finished med school and the other gets excellent (self-reported) grades, so we have done something right.
Our kids are accountable to us if they expect us to pay.
PP here. We have paid for their undergraduate education. It never occurred to us not to do so.
Are you serious? Do you know that most kids go to college with zero help from family, right?. It is a complete luxury to pay for a college education for your kids. It is by far not the norm. They could easily go to community college, work part time while going to school part time, take a gap year and save money. Do one semester school, one semester paid co-op/internship. Have worked PT all 4 years of high school and saved up a good chunk of money to help.
It is absolutely NOT a necessity for parents to pay for kids college. It is not a necessity to go to a 4yr college and pay $15K a year to live there PLUS $5 to eat there. Most people don't pay $20K a year on their mortgage. But you think paying that for one kid to live in a box shared with a stranger is a must? This is a huge issue. It is a huge burden for many families, dipping into savings, taking out equity lines, decreasing retirement savings, etc... for this fake news of success in life. And then they spend a lifetime paying off debt, that started at the age of 20. And the kids that don't have any debt because Mommy and Daddy paid for it all? They are the first to rack up credit card debt, live outside their means of a their first job, and continue to depend on their parents well into their 20's. Many move back home.
So many parents have their kids beef up their college resumes with nonsense instead of having their kids do well at school and work part time, like the majority of us did. And being held accountable is a GOOD thing. Handing over free money and saying "I will still watch over you to make sure you don't mess up because this is my money" is an extremely bad thing. And the fact that most of you don't see that is very scary.
What is your point? We know that we are privileged. Our kids know that, as well. They see that their friends at school are incurring student debt.
In our family, we pay for our kids' undergraduate degrees. They are responsible for their spending money, and for getting good grades.
We don't check grades but our kids share them with us when it occurs to them.
Our kids are young adults now. One just finished medical school and the other is at a SLAC, doing very well. They both have credit cards, which they pay off monthly. Neither lives at home (but they would be welcome to do so if it would help them get through grad or professional school more easily). They are responsible young adults.
So again, I ask you: What is your point?
If they both are in their 20's, how do you know they pay off their credit cards monthly? That seems super creepy that you even know that. You are either a co-signer or just still completely over-involved in their adult lives. Maybe that is one of the points the PP was trying to say
Anonymous
09/17/2018 12:59
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Another dcum thread where parents hold money over their kids' heads in order to retain control and not let go. Shocking.
What's scary is that y'all dress it up in "accountability" and "investment" and they're not adults unless they're paying the bills ( tell that to SAHPs or the disabled or students going to college in full aid. Whatever.)
Keep telling yourself that but everyone else can see that it is about eking out every last inch of control you can get.
What is wrong with having accountability? If your parents are paying the bill, you should be accountable. You will always be accountable in your life - parents, teachers, boss, spouse, etc. You think parents should just write blank check and never care.
My kid is accountable to himself and to his professors.
Do you think the professors care at all? No. If I pay the bill, they are accountable to me. If they don't want to be accountable, they can pay for it on their own.
It doesn’t work that way in our house. Our kids are accountable to themselves.
One just finished med school and the other gets excellent (self-reported) grades, so we have done something right.
Our kids are accountable to us if they expect us to pay.
PP here. We have paid for their undergraduate education. It never occurred to us not to do so.
Are you serious? Do you know that most kids go to college with zero help from family, right?. It is a complete luxury to pay for a college education for your kids. It is by far not the norm. They could easily go to community college, work part time while going to school part time, take a gap year and save money. Do one semester school, one semester paid co-op/internship. Have worked PT all 4 years of high school and saved up a good chunk of money to help.
It is absolutely NOT a necessity for parents to pay for kids college. It is not a necessity to go to a 4yr college and pay $15K a year to live there PLUS $5 to eat there. Most people don't pay $20K a year on their mortgage. But you think paying that for one kid to live in a box shared with a stranger is a must? This is a huge issue. It is a huge burden for many families, dipping into savings, taking out equity lines, decreasing retirement savings, etc... for this fake news of success in life. And then they spend a lifetime paying off debt, that started at the age of 20. And the kids that don't have any debt because Mommy and Daddy paid for it all? They are the first to rack up credit card debt, live outside their means of a their first job, and continue to depend on their parents well into their 20's. Many move back home.
So many parents have their kids beef up their college resumes with nonsense instead of having their kids do well at school and work part time, like the majority of us did. And being held accountable is a GOOD thing. Handing over free money and saying "I will still watch over you to make sure you don't mess up because this is my money" is an extremely bad thing. And the fact that most of you don't see that is very scary.
My kid did not earn much in the way of money in HS but he did study hard, took tough classes and did well enough in school and on standardized tests to earn himself some scholarship money. He also worked odd jobs here and there, actually wanted and considered getting a PT job but the kids with more flex in their schedules got hired first as was only fair. In life there are trade offs. You've got to do what works best for you in your situation.
There is more than one way to make college happen. I do tend to agree that the kids who have some skin in the game and worked hard to pay for at least some of the costs of their own education will tend to be more serious students.
I also think that the parents who raised these kids have a moral duty to help them navigate the costs and make good choices for themselves. 20K in debt may not seem like a lot until you are living in your first crappy apartment, working your first full time job and having to choose between paying your student loan or having cable t.v.