God no!

We talked about safe sex starting at age 10. Bought them condoms at 13 for experimenting (learning how to use, get familiar with). Birth control at 14. Bought the boys porn to prevent looking up questionable porn online. Bought DD a vibrator for experimentation. Didn’t stress that their self worth was tied to virginity.

The statistics always happen to the parents who were so uptight about sex.

Before anyone asks, my children are 23 and 25 (twin boys)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does "supportive parents" seem to be code for "covers as many expenses as possible until mother is able to take over?" This would be a huge financial difficulty for many older parents, especially since continuing to cover college seems to be part of the support package.

Because realistically what 21 yo is prepared to shoulder these expenses on her own? If she can't breastfeeding, formula alone is going to run you a couple hundred dollars a month.

well, there's WIC for that. the main new expense would be flexible childcare, which "supportive" parents may be able to provide for free, as well as housing. a daughter who was willing to move back home and go to part time/night classes may be able to get through college without needing huge amounts of cash.

Is the OP going to be ok with her daughter being on welfare?!

Also maybe OP was looking forward to being "empty nesters" with her husband and doesn't want to look after a new baby for hours every day so daughter can work?

Why is the daughter so determined to make her life so difficult? It's because she has NO IDEA of what having a baby is like, let along having a baby with NO MONEY.

I don't disagree. My only point is that truly supportive parents could provide a considerable buffer without necessarily spending a lot of money. Lots of parents aren't truly supportive like that, and women take that into account. In OP's daughter's situation I chose abortion because I knew I couldn't count on my own parents (and did not want to be dependent on them anyway.)

I got pregnant my junior year in college, had an abortion. I was living with my amazing boyfriend. I knew the reality that I'd never be able to have a successful career and be a good parent. I also wasn't ready to be married. No way I could of told my parents.

I feel I made a good decision as I would of been a terrible 19 year old parent. This is a huge decision for some one who who may not be completely understanding how a child will effect her life.

Hugs

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does "supportive parents" seem to be code for "covers as many expenses as possible until mother is able to take over?" This would be a huge financial difficulty for many older parents, especially since continuing to cover college seems to be part of the support package.

Because realistically what 21 yo is prepared to shoulder these expenses on her own? If she can't breastfeeding, formula alone is going to run you a couple hundred dollars a month.

well, there's WIC for that. the main new expense would be flexible childcare, which "supportive" parents may be able to provide for free, as well as housing. a daughter who was willing to move back home and go to part time/night classes may be able to get through college without needing huge amounts of cash.

Is the OP going to be ok with her daughter being on welfare?!

Also maybe OP was looking forward to being "empty nesters" with her husband and doesn't want to look after a new baby for hours every day so daughter can work?

Why is the daughter so determined to make her life so difficult? It's because she has NO IDEA of what having a baby is like, let along having a baby with NO MONEY.

She shouldn't have a baby because her moms ego can't handle it?

No ... but I did, does that count?

Anonymous wrote:^ also my father shouldn't have been a father. He went along with it because he was in love with my mother because that's what she wanted.

But he wasn't much of a father to me and now that I'm an adult, I haven't had a relationship with him in years because he makes no effort.

I used to be fairly bitter about this but now that I have my own kids and see what it's like, I actually kind of feel bad for him that he was pushed into something as radically life changing as having a child at 21 when it wasn't something he wanted or was naturally suited for. He could have pursued his own dreams but never got a chance to because he had to get a job to provide for me and my mother.

This is sad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does "supportive parents" seem to be code for "covers as many expenses as possible until mother is able to take over?" This would be a huge financial difficulty for many older parents, especially since continuing to cover college seems to be part of the support package.

Because realistically what 21 yo is prepared to shoulder these expenses on her own? If she can't breastfeeding, formula alone is going to run you a couple hundred dollars a month.

well, there's WIC for that. the main new expense would be flexible childcare, which "supportive" parents may be able to provide for free, as well as housing. a daughter who was willing to move back home and go to part time/night classes may be able to get through college without needing huge amounts of cash.

Is the OP going to be ok with her daughter being on welfare?!

Also maybe OP was looking forward to being "empty nesters" with her husband and doesn't want to look after a new baby for hours every day so daughter can work?

Why is the daughter so determined to make her life so difficult? It's because she has NO IDEA of what having a baby is like, let along having a baby with NO MONEY.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does "supportive parents" seem to be code for "covers as many expenses as possible until mother is able to take over?" This would be a huge financial difficulty for many older parents, especially since continuing to cover college seems to be part of the support package.

Because realistically what 21 yo is prepared to shoulder these expenses on her own? If she can't breastfeeding, formula alone is going to run you a couple hundred dollars a month.

well, there's WIC for that. the main new expense would be flexible childcare, which "supportive" parents may be able to provide for free, as well as housing. a daughter who was willing to move back home and go to part time/night classes may be able to get through college without needing huge amounts of cash.

^ Don't let this happen to your daughter and grandchild OP!

^ also my father shouldn't have been a father. He went along with it because he was in love with my mother because that's what she wanted.

But he wasn't much of a father to me and now that I'm an adult, I haven't had a relationship with him in years because he makes no effort.

I used to be fairly bitter about this but now that I have my own kids and see what it's like, I actually kind of feel bad for him that he was pushed into something as radically life changing as having a child at 21 when it wasn't something he wanted or was naturally suited for. He could have pursued his own dreams but never got a chance to because he had to get a job to provide for me and my mother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She will not abort. Right now she wants to do the fall semester and then reevaluate...I do worry about the idea she’ll take time off and then never go back...adoption is still on the table too though.

The father goes to a different school 1200 miles away (they met at an internship) and they were never together.

I got pregnant at 20. I love my 11 year old but there’s times where I wish I had aborted and settled years later. Your daughter doesn’t want to do this now.

What mother thinks this way? I can see wishing you hadn't gotten pregnant so young or thinking you should have put her up for adoption. But you really sometimes wish you had taken her life?

I think most people in this situation feel the same.

It’s not a productive sentiment to share with your kid or anyone in your life for obvious reasons. But I can imagine the regret a woman would feel after she has to constantly experience the hardships that came with her choice. I can imagine mourning the path she gave up.

I gave up a lot having her do young. College had to be put on pause, relationships are non existent, and my career/cash flow has taken a major hit. Her father showed his true colors and isn’t really involved anymore. I wasn’t ready for the emotional turmoil that would cause. So many more factors played into buying my first condo because I had to think of schools. I never got to be carefree. Most 30 year old men also don’t want to be step dads so I’m lonely. And broke did I mention that? It’s really not a great life.

I was the child in this situation and looking at it purely theoretically, I agree that my mother should have had an abortion at that age. Of course, that means that I wouldn't have existed which is kind of weird to think about...lol.

My parents were lucky in that my mother had supportive parents. They were allowed to live rent free in an apartment attached to their house plus my grandmother didn't work so was able (and willing) to provide free childcare. How many 21 year olds have that opportunity? Even so, it was a small town with no industry. So very few decent paying jobs. My mom waitressed and my dad was a mechanic for the first five years of my life. Then my dad got a job at the local fire department and it enabled them to move out of my grandparents' house.

Still, money was ALWAYS tight. Some nights we didn't have enough food. And we *never* had money for extras. Forget things like vacations and summer camp, dinners out, trips to the movies, new clothes for school were considered super special treats and were very very rare. I was only allowed to do one after school activity and it had to be cheap (they put me in swimming because you only need a cap, goggles, and an old bathing suit will suffice). No money for things like SAT tutor. It was just assumed I'd go to the local public university. They had no connections to help me get internships or a job. They had no knowledge of how the world works.

Through a complete fluke I ended up marrying a wealthy guy. When I look at the way I was raised vs. the way we are raising out kids...it's just mind boggling the differences and the lack of what I had as a child.

Waiting until you're in a good financial position to have a child is the most sensible course of action you can take. It's not fair to the child to raise him or her in borderline poverty.

Anonymous wrote:She should have an abortion

Try hard to convince her OP. That is what would be best for a 21 year old.

While I have no problem with her having an abortion (and agree it may in fact be the best move in this case), THAT is an absolutely terrible idea. Horrible.

She should have an abortion

Try hard to convince her OP. That is what would be best for a 21 year old.

Anonymous wrote:If abortion is off the table...

I think you need to carefully consider your financial situation and what you can do to help, then sit down and have a frank discussion with your daughter.

A friend in college got pregnant, and her parents cared for the child while she continued at school. I know she moved back to the town where her parents lived after graduation, presumably to take over care of her daughter. She missed one semester, but was able to make it up, by going in the summer.

I think if this happened to my child, and they went to a school in a different city or state, I would be willing to continue paying tuition and help with paying childcare, but they would need to move back home. And get a job. I would move heaven and earth to keep her in school and on a path to graduation as debt free as possible.

Your daughter can qualify for welfare benefits (including subsidized housing), and it's possible if she's head of household she could qualify for financial aid without your income being considered. I would have her look into all these options and determine the best way to move forward financially. She will qualify for a lot of government benefits, you might as well use them.

I'd also require her to contact the baby's father, and get the ball rolling on custody and child support.

No no no

this is all bad advice

OP try hard to convince your DD to give the baby up for adoption. Raising the baby will blight her own prospects and those of the child. Speaking from experience here (as the child).

Anonymous wrote:Why does "supportive parents" seem to be code for "covers as many expenses as possible until mother is able to take over?" This would be a huge financial difficulty for many older parents, especially since continuing to cover college seems to be part of the support package.

Because realistically what 21 yo is prepared to shoulder these expenses on her own? If she can't breastfeeding, formula alone is going to run you a couple hundred dollars a month.