Anonymous wrote:Why don't you preempt this by talking to his parents with your husband ahead of time? "I know Bobby is particular about food. I was thinking it might make sense to do a run to the grocery store with him for him to pick out a few basic things that he likes and can prepare for himself if he doesn't want to eat what DH and I have made. What do you think?"

Wouldn't work because OP doesn't want to do anything that might accommodate the step grandchild and she doesn't want the parents thinking poorly of her. Reread the OP.

Why don't you preempt this by talking to his parents with your husband ahead of time? "I know Bobby is particular about food. I was thinking it might make sense to do a run to the grocery store with him for him to pick out a few basic things that he likes and can prepare for himself if he doesn't want to eat what DH and I have made. What do you think?"

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is just a difference in perspective. If I'm a guest in someone else's home, I don't want to impose on them. I don't expect them to go out of their way and change their dinner routine for me. If someone is kind enough to host me and cook a meal for me, I'm going to eat that meal and be grateful even if the food is not my favorite. For example, one of my big food pet peeves is overcooked dried meat. My dad, otoh, is paranoid about under cooked meat and likes everything super well-done. So whenever I eat any sort meat at my parents' home, it's extra dead. And so, I may stick to the sides and eat a little meat to be polite but I'm not going to tell my dad how to cook in his own house. Part of becoming an adult is learning that different people do things differently. So when you're at their house, you respect how they do things . No one is entitled to have the world cater to them.


I think it is absolutely crazy that you can't ask your dad to cook your meat medium or medium rare. What kind of relationship do you have that cooking your meat a little less is an inconvenience? Fortunately, I have open lines of communication with my parents and I can discuss normal things with them like food preference!

We have open lines of communications over things that are actually important (finances, eldercare/healthcare, housing, etc). On this type of issue, we just accept that we both have different preferences and we're going to do things differently in our respective homes. Weirdly enough, he doesn't have a problem eating meat at my house because he knows that it's safe. It's just when he's cooking, he strongly prefers doing things a certain way.

I think OP should make whatever and have the kid at least try it. If he doesn't like it then he makes himself something (PBJ, pizza bagels, a cheese sandwich....whatever). But, so what if the kid picks the veggies out of a meal. Mine does the same thing. Yet, he eats veggies (only two different types but I don't care about that). Mine just happens to like veggies by themselves (not mixed into a meal).

OP, you need to try to remember what it's like to be a kid. this is what a lot of kids do. Some grow up and remain super picky and some do not. In the grand scheme of things this is such a small issue.

From the OP's post it sounds like there are a lot of assumptions going on and no conversations. So at one meal OP observed her Step grandson picking out vegetables from the meal. From this everyone has assumed the kid won't eat any vegetables. Start my talking to the kid's parents. My kids each have their eating quirks. One thing they all have in common is they LOVE raw veggies but will not eat cooked veggies. So if they are served something with cooked carrots in it they will pick out the carrots. Give them some raw carrots and they will eat 2 pounds of them.

OP needs to step back and find out what typical meals are for the 12 year old and then figure out what the challenges really are. Maybe actually talk to the 12 year old and cook a meal together. My 12 yr old son is very picky but also loves to cook things and is amazing at taking a recipe and figuring out how to tweak it so that he would like it. Usually that means serving it 'deconstructed" so everyone can add what they like.

Anonymous wrote:^I’m in my 40s and she died about 30 years ago but I remember giggling over ice cream and especially ice cream sodas. I also remember her delicious zucchini and Brussel sprouts. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.

My mom passed away 13 years ago next month.

She cooked a ton of vegetables for us, but loved to give the grandkids treats and ice cream.

One of my favorite pictures from right before she died is a snapshot I took of her leaning over, feeding my toddler son ice cream in the middle of the kitchen. Knowing her, it was right before dinner.

I wish I had those memories for my younger kids who never had a chance to meet her.

One of my favorite memories from visiting my Japanese grandparents over the summer was my grandpa "sneaking" me treats or money to but candy or popsicles from the corner store. A lot of the food was unusual to us American kids, so he filled in the empty spaces with treats. It was always accompanied with a "Sh! Don't tell grandma" as grandma was just within earshot with a big smile on her face.

Grandparents show love through spoiling grandkids and giving them treats.

The fact that OP is spoiling for a fight instead of thinking of ways to show her love, says so much about how she feels about this kid and how much she does NOT view him as family.

12 year old kids, even the picky eaters, are awesome if you let them be.

Anonymous wrote:A 12 year old is not "fussy." It's one thing to not like a small handful of things - it's another thing to have more things on the "will not eat" list, than 'will eat" list. A 12 year old with pickiness is a spoiled brat.

You make what you make. Have some other healthy snacks on hand, but he doesn't get a special meal.

Just as an example. I grew up in a culture where they eat pigs tail, goat heads/tongue, intestines....There is no way my kids would eat any of that. If my parents told me that they would cook like that for the two weeks my DC would be there and DC could feel free to eat "other healthy snacks" they had on hand, I'd say feel free to come visit us. My kids eat all kinds of vegetables (if you ask my DD she'd say her favorite FOOD is spinach) but won't eat food with vegetables mixed in. OP seems intent on not making any changes. Also, there are many "American food" dishes that are healthy, the kid only liking American food and not wanting vegetables mixed into their meal doesn't mean OP is being asked to make unhealthy meals. She can also serve vegetables on the side. I was a picky eater as a child and was not a brat. I loved my grandparents, would write them letters regularly (even when I had nothing interesting to say) because I knew they looked forward to them. When they were too ill to travel, I chose to fly to spend Christmas vacation with them although that meant spending the holidays with only them in a very quiet house, instead of with my parents, siblings, cousin and other extended family at festive holiday parties. I don't view accommodating family members as a burden, but to each his own.

Anonymous wrote:A 12 year old is not "fussy." It's one thing to not like a small handful of things - it's another thing to have more things on the "will not eat" list, than 'will eat" list. A 12 year old with pickiness is a spoiled brat.

You make what you make. Have some other healthy snacks on hand, but he doesn't get a special meal.

You are going to make a terrible grandparent.

Are you OP sockpuppeting?

Anonymous wrote:I think DCUM is conflating two issues. First, should the 12 year old be polite and eat what is offered without complaint? Yes, of course he should.

Second, should (step)grandma go out of her way to give him what he likes? People are reacting to the fact that grandmas are usually very lenient and like to spoil the kids. When OP highlights that this is just a step relationship and her insistence on doing nothing different for the kid makes us think she just doesn't like him and her attitude will probably show itself in lots of ways. I don't think anyone would comment at all if it were a parent saying that the kid must eat what is served without complaint - that is tried and true - but it's different to hear about this rigid adherance to an unpopular menu when it is coming from a grandma about a short time period that is (presumably) supposed to be enjoyable for the kid.

I agree.

Only mean grandmas do what OP is suggesting.

Anonymous wrote:A 12 year old is not "fussy." It's one thing to not like a small handful of things - it's another thing to have more things on the "will not eat" list, than 'will eat" list. A 12 year old with pickiness is a spoiled brat.

You make what you make. Have some other healthy snacks on hand, but he doesn't get a special meal.

And that's fine, just make it clear to the parents that these are the rules. If this is a reasonable course of action, why hide it from the parents?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like she’s spoiling for a fight. Makes me sad for this kid. I remember being at the house of step- grandparents where I knew I wasn’t really welcome and how terrible it felt. He is a kid and a guest - be kind to him.

+100

I struggled with it at 30.

I watched my niece struggle with it (same step-mom, 20 years later) at 15

This crazy thread..... IT ISN'T ABOUT THE VEGETABLES.

+1. I"m sure there's a whole list besides the vegetables...table manners, not making up his bed, playing too many video games, breathing wrong...

A 12 year old is not "fussy." It's one thing to not like a small handful of things - it's another thing to have more things on the "will not eat" list, than 'will eat" list. A 12 year old with pickiness is a spoiled brat.

You make what you make. Have some other healthy snacks on hand, but he doesn't get a special meal.

I think DCUM is conflating two issues. First, should the 12 year old be polite and eat what is offered without complaint? Yes, of course he should.

Second, should (step)grandma go out of her way to give him what he likes? People are reacting to the fact that grandmas are usually very lenient and like to spoil the kids. When OP highlights that this is just a step relationship and her insistence on doing nothing different for the kid makes us think she just doesn't like him and her attitude will probably show itself in lots of ways. I don't think anyone would comment at all if it were a parent saying that the kid must eat what is served without complaint - that is tried and true - but it's different to hear about this rigid adherance to an unpopular menu when it is coming from a grandma about a short time period that is (presumably) supposed to be enjoyable for the kid.

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like she’s spoiling for a fight. Makes me sad for this kid. I remember being at the house of step- grandparents where I knew I wasn’t really welcome and how terrible it felt. He is a kid and a guest - be kind to him.

+100

I struggled with it at 30.

I watched my niece struggle with it (same step-mom, 20 years later) at 15

This crazy thread..... IT ISN'T ABOUT THE VEGETABLES.

Yes, the meals can include vegetables.

No, he should not be allowed to complain about any food that is served.

No, he should not be lectured or forced to eat anything.