Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the 20th century the phenomenon of expecting “young sex” well into your middle age took off. Historically, this was never the case. You would have sex relatively young in order to procreation. You would use youthful passion to create a family. In your middle aged you’d expect sex to slow down and take backstage importance as your kids grow up and have kids of their own. There was a sense that things come with a season of life. In past times ageing, including hormonal and thus sexual ageing, was accepted as normal part of life. Today people expect to have repeat experiences of a 20-year -old and priorities are totally messed up. Hence, so many threads about sex by middle-aged people. Instead of accepting a companionate marriage in middle age many are willing to divorce and cheat in a fruitless attempt to capture passions of youth.

So true. Lots of divorced lonely men out there acting like High school boys chasing tail.

Not just chasing, darling. I’ve been amazed at how easy it’s been since my divorce three years ago. It’s a different world from 2003 when I got married. Wish I’d joined it sooner.

Anonymous wrote:Ironically, or maybe not, I read somewhere that a survey of women who were married when asked if they can have a secret nd husband for o my one thing what would it be. 70% said for sex. That means the other guy doing all the other stuff isn’t looked at in a sexual manner. I remember Neil DeGrasse Tyson commenting on it. That shows women have a libido - just not for their husbands. This is why women have loads of sex after their divorce.

To be fair, the guys I know who were good looking and in shape didn’t do bad either. One guy is 37 and is dating and in a long term relationship with a 26 year old. She’s amazingly hot. Of course he’s an outgoing, successful fit guy so it’s no wonder. Wife “lost the her interest is sex too for whatever reason. They just grew apart I guess

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually the exact opposite! A wife who "goes of sex" has clearly established that sex is completely NOT important to the marriage at all. So, rather than throw away all those other things you mentioned (kids, shared interests, years of shared history, knowing each other) it makes alot more sense that the man goes and does that "unimportant thing" (sex) with another woman. In this way, the marriage can be saved. There is no other answer that keeps the marriage together. Opening the marriage is a last gasp effort to save it.

What BS. You keep coming back with “everything’s the wife’s fault” and rather than fix the problems in your end, you’re “entitled to an open marriage.” Agree with PPs that this is a threat rather than a sincere effort to share in fixing the marriage.

You didn’t answer the question about whether you’ve been married.

Where did I blame my wife for anything? I was, and remain, committed to fixing any problems on my end. I am entitled to pursue a sex life... if my wife is not interested, then Yes, I am entitled to pursue sex outside the marriage. My decision to open the marriage was no more a threat than my wife's decision to not want sex yet remain married.

To answer your question: Yes, I am married, and have been for a long time. Same wife!

Here's the thing: all these women who "lose their libido" would DEFINITELY find it very soon after divorcing. I've witnessed this many times over. Clearly, these women are able to "find" it, provided they have sufficient motivation. Their husband just needs to motivate them.

As my OB gyne said, you didn't lose your libido, your husband killed it. There is no pill for that.

So you did the mature thing by explicitly telling your husband precisely what he was doing to kill your libido with specific actionable ways that he should change, whereupon your fantastic sexlife resumed? Or you promptly divorced him? Or issued him a permanent Hall Pass? No, you just quietly stuck around, expecting him to keep meeting your needs while you ignore his. Sorry it does not work that way: I can predict your marital future.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Here's the thing: all these women who "lose their libido" would DEFINITELY find it very soon after divorcing. I've witnessed this many times over. Clearly, these women are able to "find" it, provided they have sufficient motivation.

You don’t get a pat on the back for wanting to have sex with Brad Pitt.

There are a lot of legitimate reasons to want sex. Being horny is the best one. But continuing to enjoy all the non-sexual benefits of marriage is another valid reason to have sex. Obviously most low-libido wives find value in staying married (otherwise they would be EX wives and threads like this would not exist). OP, you need to frame the conversation properly. What she wants (a faithful husband who meets all of HER needs while she "gets to" never/rarely have sex) she cannot have. Not with you. Tell her exactly this. She might just "find" her libido, the same way she certainly would post-divorce. Or, worst case, you are free to go outside for your normal needs. Either way, your sexless marriage problem is solved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually the exact opposite! A wife who "goes of sex" has clearly established that sex is completely NOT important to the marriage at all. So, rather than throw away all those other things you mentioned (kids, shared interests, years of shared history, knowing each other) it makes alot more sense that the man goes and does that "unimportant thing" (sex) with another woman. In this way, the marriage can be saved. There is no other answer that keeps the marriage together. Opening the marriage is a last gasp effort to save it.

What BS. You keep coming back with “everything’s the wife’s fault” and rather than fix the problems in your end, you’re “entitled to an open marriage.” Agree with PPs that this is a threat rather than a sincere effort to share in fixing the marriage.

You didn’t answer the question about whether you’ve been married.

Where did I blame my wife for anything? I was, and remain, committed to fixing any problems on my end. I am entitled to pursue a sex life... if my wife is not interested, then Yes, I am entitled to pursue sex outside the marriage. My decision to open the marriage was no more a threat than my wife's decision to not want sex yet remain married.

To answer your question: Yes, I am married, and have been for a long time. Same wife!

Here's the thing: all these women who "lose their libido" would DEFINITELY find it very soon after divorcing. I've witnessed this many times over. Clearly, these women are able to "find" it, provided they have sufficient motivation. Their husband just needs to motivate them.

As my OB gyne said, you didn't lose your libido, your husband killed it. There is no pill for that.

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised by so many people needing so much sex into their 40s and 50s. Biologically, the purpose of sex is procreation. That's why sex hormones are the strongest in one's teens and 20s.

Anonymous wrote:My wife was at an event with a group of women. One said she was reading a book about how not to hate your spouse when you had little kids. That prompted a show of hands for who would be o.k. never having sex again and all the women raised their hands. My wife shared that as something that made her feel positive because she didn't feel alone in her lack of libido.

The background is that we have sex about every 4-6 weeks. I've talked to her about how this a lot lower than I'm happy with, and it makes me feel unloved and disconnected. She says that there's nothing wrong with me and it's on her end. Lately she's been talking to a therapist but doesn't feel like she's making any progress. I think the women she was with had smaller children. Ours are early teens.

I responded that I imagined it made her feel very isolated if she thought she was the only one with this issue and it probably felt good not to feel so alone. What I felt was pretty hopeless that she'd be o.k. never having sex again. I'm also nervous that having a bunch of friends saying the same thing will encourage her to stop making any effort to improve our sex life, allowing it to continue to deteriorate.

I don't want to cheat, divorce, or "declare our marriage open." I also don't want to have sex with my wife if she doesn't want to have it. It's tough not to despair.

np: I wouldn't be so depressed. I don't think they were really serious. If she was serious than I don't think she would have told you! Personally, I think sex generally isn't a priority as it is to men and I can see it being proposed as a joke. Actions speak louder than words. Do things that help your wife get in the mood, whatever that is and then if sex doesn't happen then get depressed! But, if it does lead to sex than cool, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the 20th century the phenomenon of expecting “young sex” well into your middle age took off. Historically, this was never the case. You would have sex relatively young in order to procreation. You would use youthful passion to create a family. In your middle aged you’d expect sex to slow down and take backstage importance as your kids grow up and have kids of their own. There was a sense that things come with a season of life. In past times ageing, including hormonal and thus sexual ageing, was accepted as normal part of life. Today people expect to have repeat experiences of a 20-year -old and priorities are totally messed up. Hence, so many threads about sex by middle-aged people. Instead of accepting a companionate marriage in middle age many are willing to divorce and cheat in a fruitless attempt to capture passions of youth.

So true. Lots of divorced lonely men out there acting like High school boys chasing tail.

Not just chasing, darling. I’ve been amazed at how easy it’s been since my divorce three years ago. It’s a different world from 2003 when I got married. Wish I’d joined it sooner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the 20th century the phenomenon of expecting “young sex” well into your middle age took off. Historically, this was never the case. You would have sex relatively young in order to procreation. You would use youthful passion to create a family. In your middle aged you’d expect sex to slow down and take backstage importance as your kids grow up and have kids of their own. There was a sense that things come with a season of life. In past times ageing, including hormonal and thus sexual ageing, was accepted as normal part of life. Today people expect to have repeat experiences of a 20-year -old and priorities are totally messed up. Hence, so many threads about sex by middle-aged people. Instead of accepting a companionate marriage in middle age many are willing to divorce and cheat in a fruitless attempt to capture passions of youth.

So true. Lots of divorced lonely men out there acting like High school boys chasing tail.

Anonymous wrote:To those who don't think there is a correlation between division of labor and sexual desire, many of the low drive women would likely bang another guy, they just don't want their husbands. Ask yourself why that is. Attention? Feeling like more than a house keeper? Shut up and grow a pair and own that you may be the issue, not her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the 20th century the phenomenon of expecting “young sex” well into your middle age took off. Historically, this was never the case. You would have sex relatively young in order to procreation. You would use youthful passion to create a family. In your middle aged you’d expect sex to slow down and take backstage importance as your kids grow up and have kids of their own. There was a sense that things come with a season of life. In past times ageing, including hormonal and thus sexual ageing, was accepted as normal part of life. Today people expect to have repeat experiences of a 20-year -old and priorities are totally messed up. Hence, so many threads about sex by middle-aged people. Instead of accepting a companionate marriage in middle age many are willing to divorce and cheat in a fruitless attempt to capture passions of youth.

So true. Lots of divorced lonely men out there acting like High school boys chasing tail.