Some people, psychologically seem to be most comfortable in their role as 'keeper of the stuff'... My older sister is in her 40s but has this old lady mentality to keeping things. She isn't married/doesn't have kids and now that our mother and grandmother have passed, she is official keeper of the stuff.

When she mentions items my brother or I have no interest in, and we suggest we toss it out, she will not do it. She has always lived rent free in their home and doesn't work so it really was her job as we don't live in that country any more and aren't near her to help. She almost seems to have an air of superiority like she is better because she values them and we are spoiled/don't appreciate things. I think in some ways she feels like she 'loves' our deceased loved ones more because she has all the proof- can't part with their crap. She seems to need to be surrounded by dead peoples stuff in order to feel comfortable/cozy, in large part because she isn't great at adapting to change. We've pointed out to her that any ugly item she wants to get rid of, she can. No one will be upset. She can clean the home better if it's devoid of all the stuff. She can live the life she wants. She doesn't change. When our grandfather passes (also in the family home) my brother and I have spoken about our plan. We know we will need to use a few weeks leave to get home and load trucks up for garbage/donation and fight her off of us as she dives on piles to save.

When the matriarchs first passed, she was able to get rid of the clothes fairly fast, but it was a whole 'hmmmmmm let's see... they were several sizes bigger than me....hmmm... and their shoes are too small....hmmm and I was like "donate them?" and she reluctantly did. We were able to joke about it a bit- I was like "are you really going to wear a Garfield cardigan over a polyester sundress with your size 11s wedged into size 7 orthopedic shoes?" It was a real exercise in decision making for her.

But the multiple dining room sets, sets of dishes/silverware/cookware/old exercise equipment, even old school supplies from when we were kids... that stays. The difficulty is that because the house has the room, she has no reason to pare things down. She understands/agrees we will sell the home after grandpa (who is well!!) passes and she doesn't seem to have much attachment to the house itself. I think if we help her look at her finances and decide what she can buy and something that doesn't need a lot of upkeep, she will realize that she doesn't need a huge home to keep stuff, especially as $$$ as that will be. At that point I think she will understand that she can get rid of all the multiples and live more purposefully/simply.

She kind of lives in la-la land as the keeper of the stuff.

Anonymous wrote:This thread is making me think although I'm not nearly old enough for this to be a concern...

I collect oriental rugs from the Caucasus and Armenia. They are genuine antiques in that their provenance is clear and they aren't being made anymore. They are important to me, and rare. But will they be important to my kids? I have no idea. I would love for them to become family heirlooms so I hope my kids inherit my love for them. What if they don't?

Maybe they will, maybe they won't. You can't make someone have the same taste as you. BUT you can prepare yourself to sell them or give them away to someone outside the family who will appreciate them. But please don't guilt your kids into keeping them because YOU value them.

This thread is making me think although I'm not nearly old enough for this to be a concern...

I collect oriental rugs from the Caucasus and Armenia. They are genuine antiques in that their provenance is clear and they aren't being made anymore. They are important to me, and rare. But will they be important to my kids? I have no idea. I would love for them to become family heirlooms so I hope my kids inherit my love for them. What if they don't?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The daughter might not want it, but one or more of the grandchildren might.

And this is how hoarding begins.
You don't want it.
Your kids don't want it.
But maybe, just maybe some future descendant MIGHT.

I currently have my great-grandmother's silver (plate) sitting on a shelf in my garage. My grandmother took it when her mother died in 1975. She kept it in her attic until she moved to assisted living in 2008. (De-crapping her 4 bedroom house was a 6-month nightmare.) My mother took it when grandma died in 2015.
Now mom has handed it to me and what the hell am I supposed to do with it? I tried to have mom give to younger cousin who just got married but cousin lives in 1 bedroom apartment and doesn't want it. How long do i have to store it until I can just donate it? I know if I tell my mom, I want to donate it, she will take it back to her house. My parents are 70+ and need to work on going stuff out of their house not adding more in!!!!

If you're really talking about a single silver plate, either use it, donate or sell it. Or are you talking about flatware that's silver plated and not sterling? Donate silver plated flatware to Goodwill - someone may buy it and it's not worth your time to sell. If it's sterling, sell it to a metal refiner. I sold a dented candle holder that I'd never use and made a few bucks.

IMHO, it's worth keeping fine silver (Gorham or Wallace) and china (Limoges, Wedgewood, etc.) but not much else.

To the PP with the country antique collector parents - I really do physically feel your pain.

I tweeted the article about swedish death cleaning and my hoarder inlaws (FIL follows me on twitter) actually seem to have taken it to heart (somewhat) and have started to clean their basement out. It's still gonna be a nightmare worth or work to do when they pass on or have to move out, but it's a start I guess. My own parents also have a ton of stuff, though they have also started to clean out a bit. My husbands aunts house though (she took over the grandparents house and hoard), is gonna be a nightmare for us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 50. Kids are in school. Years away from retirement. I have been greatly inspired by the swedish death cleaning and I am doing this to my house now.
It is amazing from the perspective of your own demise that you have so little in material goods worth hanging on to.

Yes. Late 50s. Going through stuff and looking at it and enjoying it “one last time” - then throwing it away! DD won’t want it, and I don’t want to burden her. Pretty liberating, actually.

Having had to pay thousands to get rid of a family member's stuff (she loved it too much to get rid of it and not enough to take care of it, so it ended up in a couple of dumpsters), I am so, SO happy that Freecycle allows me to send things on where they'll be used, and all I have to do is post a notice and set things on the porch.

i Have to say that there is nothing more liberating then when you purge crap. You clean one closet and then the next. Purge purge purge. Feels good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The daughter might not want it, but one or more of the grandchildren might.

And this is how hoarding begins.
You don't want it.
Your kids don't want it.
But maybe, just maybe some future descendant MIGHT.

I currently have my great-grandmother's silver (plate) sitting on a shelf in my garage. My grandmother took it when her mother died in 1975. She kept it in her attic until she moved to assisted living in 2008. (De-crapping her 4 bedroom house was a 6-month nightmare.) My mother took it when grandma died in 2015.
Now mom has handed it to me and what the hell am I supposed to do with it? I tried to have mom give to younger cousin who just got married but cousin lives in 1 bedroom apartment and doesn't want it. How long do i have to store it until I can just donate it? I know if I tell my mom, I want to donate it, she will take it back to her house. My parents are 70+ and need to work on going stuff out of their house not adding more in!!!!

Hoarding is a psychological problem and not caused by storing a few antiques or heirlooms for the next generation. Your daughter will become a hoarder if she's inclined to become one, not because you held on to a set of silver you particularly didn't want in the expectation that she might want it herself. Your silverplate is hardly valuable (silverplate is not) and its only intrinsic value is the connection to your great-grandmother. It's up to you to decide if it's worth keeping to pass along to your daughter, but let's not confuse it with keeping an entire room or basement filled with stuff.

I have a few inherited bits that I don't need or even want myself but there is enough intrinsic and monetary value to them that makes it worthwhile to hold on for the next generation. Fashion changes and what goes around and comes around. But it is just a few objects easily packed away, I certainly wouldn't let it grow out of hand.

Anonymous wrote:I am 50. Kids are in school. Years away from retirement. I have been greatly inspired by the swedish death cleaning and I am doing this to my house now.
It is amazing from the perspective of your own demise that you have so little in material goods worth hanging on to.

Yes. Late 50s. Going through stuff and looking at it and enjoying it “one last time” - then throwing it away! DD won’t want it, and I don’t want to burden her. Pretty liberating, actually.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws collect pretty expensive antiques (although not ones I would want...). They keep telling us the prices of things. Ugh. I'm hoping they sell them all to a dealer before they downsize! My SIL and I joke about not fighting each other over these antiques since they don't want them either.

I curse the antiques and collectibles that my boomer parents and in-laws refuse to part with. Ebay and the internet killed the antique and collectibles market. Very little of this stuff is worth even trying to sell. Their china is not collectible, it was mass produced. Silver at least can be sold by the weight.

PP here. They are actively collecting it in their retirement years! This isn't something they're refusing to part with, this is something they're buying up like crazy. They go to antique stores nearly every weekend. ugh. Most are country looking antiques.

It's your parents' money, it clearly makes your parents' happy, so why object? Just be clear to them that you have no intention of keeping it when they pass on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws collect pretty expensive antiques (although not ones I would want...). They keep telling us the prices of things. Ugh. I'm hoping they sell them all to a dealer before they downsize! My SIL and I joke about not fighting each other over these antiques since they don't want them either.

I curse the antiques and collectibles that my boomer parents and in-laws refuse to part with. Ebay and the internet killed the antique and collectibles market. Very little of this stuff is worth even trying to sell. Their china is not collectible, it was mass produced. Silver at least can be sold by the weight.

Very little china is collectible or worth much for resale. Don't look at sites like Replacements as an indicator of value. Replacements exists mostly to help people replace pieces of their current sets that were damaged. I'm willing to pay more if I need the lid to coffee pot for Thanksgiving. Look at ebay and see antique, beautiful hand painted china and see how inexpensive complete sets are. It's sad to me.

I am 50. Kids are in school. Years away from retirement. I have been greatly inspired by the swedish death cleaning and I am doing this to my house now.
It is amazing from the perspective of your own demise that you have so little in material goods worth hanging on to.

Some of you need to have some direct and forthright conversations with your parents and in laws. Be gentle, but be firm.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws collect pretty expensive antiques (although not ones I would want...). They keep telling us the prices of things. Ugh. I'm hoping they sell them all to a dealer before they downsize! My SIL and I joke about not fighting each other over these antiques since they don't want them either.

I curse the antiques and collectibles that my boomer parents and in-laws refuse to part with. Ebay and the internet killed the antique and collectibles market. Very little of this stuff is worth even trying to sell. Their china is not collectible, it was mass produced. Silver at least can be sold by the weight.

PP here. They are actively collecting it in their retirement years! This isn't something they're refusing to part with, this is something they're buying up like crazy. They go to antique stores nearly every weekend. ugh. Most are country looking antiques.

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws collect pretty expensive antiques (although not ones I would want...). They keep telling us the prices of things. Ugh. I'm hoping they sell them all to a dealer before they downsize! My SIL and I joke about not fighting each other over these antiques since they don't want them either.

I curse the antiques and collectibles that my boomer parents and in-laws refuse to part with. Ebay and the internet killed the antique and collectibles market. Very little of this stuff is worth even trying to sell. Their china is not collectible, it was mass produced. Silver at least can be sold by the weight.