Did the son want to alienate his parents by waiting one week before his wedding to inform them that he was getting married to someone they never met? Cultural issue aside, that's alienating for any parents.

The parents didn't know he was dating anyone. Who doesn't introduce their SOs to their parents if they know that they're in a serious relationship that's headed towards marriage? And no, I don't feel sympathy for the son because the mother would've disapproved. It's one thing to not tell your parents about someone they would've disapproved of when you're just dating. It's whole another issue to deliberately hide a potential spouse from your parents. If you love someone, you fight for them. That includes fighting with your parents for them to accept that their child will be marrying outside their ethnic group.

It would've made more sense to have this situation sorted out before the stakes were so high. Maybe the mother would've accepted the fiancee if she got to know her as a person. Maybe she would've come to terms with the situation if she had more time. Maybe she would've chosen to come to the wedding just to support her son even if she still disapproved of his new wife. We will never know. Because right now, the mother's pissed off and there's only one week before the wedding. If the son wanted to his mother to accept his non-Vietnamese fiancee, then this wasn't the way to go about it.

Anonymous wrote:No the mother is not racist. I am Vietnamese and I understand exactly how she felt. Same exact situation with my mother because I married a white woman. She didn't attend my wedding either. Now my mother and my wife are best buddies. My wife takes my mother grocery shopping on weekends at Asian store in Seven Corners. My wife speaks broken Vietnamese and my mom speaks broken English

The son just needs to remind his wife to be that he loves her very much and that even though she didn't do anything wrong, she should go ahead and apologize to his mother and be prepared to be lectured for a couple of hours and I guarantee everything will be fine. I am willing to bet that it is the mother that made her husband to give the couple 50k as wedding gift. You're now part of the Mafia.

Just because your wife is a doormat doesn't mean other women are.

Anonymous wrote:First generation immigrant from Vietnam. Came here when I was 15 years old and my wife is also vietnamese. Living a good life in Great falls VA. Son is 26 years old and he informed my wife and I that he will get marry to his 22 years old blonde GF of one year next week. He just finished his medical residency and she just graduated with a BS degree in accounting. She is also a part time model. Before last week, I didn't even know he was even dating. The GF seems very nice and friendly.

I have some reservations about my son marry someone of a different race but I am open minded. My wife on the other hand, wanted him to marry to an Asian lady so she didn't take this very well. Her reason is that she always wanted a daughter in law who can speak vietnamese with her. My wife will not be attending the wedding and I am not allowed to attend either. She is not being reasonable.

I told my son and his GF, without telling my wife ofcourse, go ahead and get married. Have a wonderful life. You and your wife can come back when you have kids because time and grand kids will heal wound. They just left for CA this morning.

Not sure how I can convince my wife to get over this. Thoughts?

I'm from California, and nearly all of my friends are Asian and children of immigrants, and they have all married non-Asian people. My Vietnamese friend (who immigrated here at age 10) bluntly told her mother "If you wanted me to marry an Asian person, you should have kept us in Viet Nam." Your wife needs to get over it. Does she want to alienate your son, not have access to the grandchildren?

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the judgemental people. They want everything to be 100% perfectly race-free when in reality the world doesn't and has never worked like that anywhere in any culture.

Your wife is not be the first nor will she be the last upset at a child marrying outside the "norm." It's a tale as old as time. She spent the last 26 years envisioning all the wonderful ethnically Vietnamese grandchildren she'd have from your son and now suddenly there's a different reality. That can be hard to adjust to. But from what I've seen among others in mixed marriages, she will get over it eventually and even possibly become quite close with your daughter in law.

Just give it time.

+1

Agreed. Just give it time and everything will work out. The GF probably knew that going in and she is probably open minded because it is not everyday you see a white woman with an Asian guy. The GF knows that the son is in a very difficult spot. The OP did the right thing by them to move away and come back when the time is right. Blood is always thicker than water.

I did something even worse. I married a divorced white woman and my Vietnamese mother threatened to kill herself. That was nine years ago. Now they are getting along fine. Time is the best medicine.

Ignore the judgemental people. They want everything to be 100% perfectly race-free when in reality the world doesn't and has never worked like that anywhere in any culture.

Your wife is not be the first nor will she be the last upset at a child marrying outside the "norm." It's a tale as old as time. She spent the last 26 years envisioning all the wonderful ethnically Vietnamese grandchildren she'd have from your son and now suddenly there's a different reality. That can be hard to adjust to. But from what I've seen among others in mixed marriages, she will get over it eventually and even possibly become quite close with your daughter in law.

Just give it time.

Anonymous wrote:No the mother is not racist. I am Vietnamese and I understand exactly how she felt. Same exact situation with my mother because I married a white woman. She didn't attend my wedding either. Now my mother and my wife are best buddies. My wife takes my mother grocery shopping on weekends at Asian store in Seven Corners. My wife speaks broken Vietnamese and my mom speaks broken English

The son just needs to remind his wife to be that he loves her very much and that even though she didn't do anything wrong, she should go ahead and apologize to his mother and be prepared to be lectured for a couple of hours and I guarantee everything will be fine. I am willing to bet that it is the mother that made her husband to give the couple 50k as wedding gift. You're now part of the Mafia.

The wife should apologise to the mother for being blonde? For not speaking Vietnamese? Do you even hear yourself?

Anonymous wrote:No the mother is not racist. I am Vietnamese and I understand exactly how she felt. Same exact situation with my mother because I married a white woman. She didn't attend my wedding either. Now my mother and my wife are best buddies. My wife takes my mother grocery shopping on weekends at Asian store in Seven Corners. My wife speaks broken Vietnamese and my mom speaks broken English

The son just needs to remind his wife to be that he loves her very much and that even though she didn't do anything wrong, she should go ahead and apologize to his mother and be prepared to be lectured for a couple of hours and I guarantee everything will be fine. I am willing to bet that it is the mother that made her husband to give the couple 50k as wedding gift. You're now part of the Mafia.

I'm glad it worked out for you. My Vietnamese MIL acts fake nice in front of others, but is nasty to me privately and basically hates me. I tried for many years to smooth things over and accommodate her within reason, until I realized nothing would work. She wanted a Vietnamese or other Asian DIL to be her obedient personal servant for life. She'll never forgive her son or me for taking that away from her. She doesn't care that her son is happy with me. Our kids are wonderful, but she doesn't care about them either.

I hope your wife can open her heart, OP. It's torn my husband up to deal with some of his family who can't accept me.

OP, is there someone respected in the community that would speak to your wife about the importance of not severing the relationship with your son and his wife?

My grandfather was going to disown my aunt for marrying someone from a different culture. My father (who wasn't crazy about the wedding for other reasons -- an age difference -- got a priest to talk to his father. Even though his father was NOT religious, having a priest tell him that he was being a jerk about it (in nicer words) made him come around. And guess who took care of said grandfather when he was old and infirm? His daughter and her husband.

OP please go to your son’s wedding. I’m begging you to.

No the mother is not racist. I am Vietnamese and I understand exactly how she felt. Same exact situation with my mother because I married a white woman. She didn't attend my wedding either. Now my mother and my wife are best buddies. My wife takes my mother grocery shopping on weekends at Asian store in Seven Corners. My wife speaks broken Vietnamese and my mom speaks broken English

The son just needs to remind his wife to be that he loves her very much and that even though she didn't do anything wrong, she should go ahead and apologize to his mother and be prepared to be lectured for a couple of hours and I guarantee everything will be fine. I am willing to bet that it is the mother that made her husband to give the couple 50k as wedding gift. You're now part of the Mafia.

Your wife is racist

So your wife is an extreme racist? And you are moderately racist? It sounds like your son is making the right decision

Be nice and welcoming. She might even learn some Vietnamese.

I hope your wife will come around. My parents did wgen i married a jewish guy. Im Indian. Love is something to celebrate. Sounds like your future daughter in. Law is accomplished, as is your son. Give it some time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

1- I am not against the marriage. I am very happy for him and his GF. That's why I told him and his GF they should get married,
2- I can't attend the wedding if my wife is not going. As much as I am happy for my son and his wife to be, she is still my wife,
3- No, my wife and I do NOT plan to live with them when we get older. In fact, we're ready to give them the house in Great Falls so that we can move into a condo. My wife is still in shock that his wife to be is not Asians. I think she will get over it in time, I just don't know how long,
4- I was raised in a culture where parents are never wrong, even when they clearly are. As a son or daughter, you just have to accept that fact and keep trying. One day, water will be under the bridge when they see grand children, everything will be good.

I know those days will come. I just hope those days will come sooner rather than later. Right now, I am her punching bag and nothing I said matter


thank you all for sharing your thoughts

I would absolutely not count on getting to repair everything once there are kids. No way in hell would I let my kids spend time with someone that shunned me, that's insanity. I wouldn't trust you out of my sight and earshot and would tolerate short supervised visits but in no way encourage a close relationship between you and my kid.

I think I get OP. It's easier for me (Asian myself) to understand. The cultural pull is a lot stronger than people realize.

Yes - but the son is marrying a non-asian who doesn't share this culture. She will not feel compelled to forgive and forget the people that shunned her just because there are kids. You don't get to treat someone like dirt and then expect them to forgive you when its convenient, certainly not someone that you've never treated like family and doesn't share your culture so they have no reason to treat you like family or share your cultural view back

+1mil