Anonymous wrote:And folks wonder why people move to exurbs on a big plot of land? Nosey neighbors are so creepy. Myob!

How is this nosey? They weren't looking to find this? It was brought to them. And I know plenty of country folk who gossip and know everyone's business in town, and it's even worse because it does actually turn into every person knowing since it is less people. Affairs and gossip aren't exclusive to the suburbs.

It seems like the people on here who have been cheated on have said they want to know, so those who are all for not saying anything should maybe take that into account.

I hope OP comes back and tells us what was done.

Anonymous wrote:And folks wonder why people move to exurbs on a big plot of land? Nosey neighbors are so creepy. Myob!

Got a locking barn door out there in those exurbs do ya?

Hi Sally, this is awkward, but on Thursday I was surprised to see Hal on a romantic date with a woman at The BBQ Pit.

She'll say "What???? You're crazy. Stop spreading rumors about my husband!" You say, "I would never do that, but I'll assure you that I won't mention this again. Bye."

She'll say "Oh really?" and you say "Yep."

She'll say "What made you think it was a romantic date? Who was she? What did she look like?" you say "They were kissing on the lips. She's mid 30's, brunette. You seem surprised and I'm sorry. Just want you to know that I'm here for you."

As someone whose wife cheated on me, for a long time right under my nose, I would have wanted to know sooner. If you knew my spouse was cheating and didn't tell me, I could never forgive you.

Tell them, right away.

And folks wonder why people move to exurbs on a big plot of land? Nosey neighbors are so creepy. Myob!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP stay out of this. the news are going to spread out quickly regardless. let others do it.

Unless everyone else has the same mentality. Which leads to it going on for who knows how long and numerous people in the community, neighborhood, kids school, etc. knowing about it before the other spouse does. Whether it is the wife or husband, it doesn't matter. The cheated on spouse deserves to preserve some dignity in the situation and be told.

Let me ask the question another way. Let's agree that, under normal circumstances, it would be admirable if the OP told the wife. Agreed. However, OP said herself that she does not associate with the woman because she thrives on drama and is always keeping drama going. Knowing that, would you intentionally place yourself smack in the middle of the most dramatic situation that I can think of. Because if OP is right about the woman, it is not going to be an in and out type of deal. OP will be front and center in the drama because this woman will put her in it. IF OP is prepared for that, she should tell her. If OP does not want to take that on, she should keep quiet.

I think people are so caught up in the "the wife should know" aspect that they are ignoring the entire set of facts. It is not an easy answer and the OP should look at the whole picture.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless I was friends with her, I wouldn't say anything directly. At least not immediately.

However, if I did find myself in conversation with her, I'd probably ask something that would strongly imply that I assumed their marriage was an open one. And then see if she sweeps it under the rug or acts surprised and asks me what I mean. So basically act like I'm MYOB but really letting her know in a nice way. And I'd be the shocked one, acting like of course I just assumed it was an open marriage since he was kissing a woman on the lips repeatedly in a restaurant, hope I didn't get anyone into trouble, etc.

But I would definitely want to know, and so I'd not feel good acting like everything was fine with her, just in case it's not.

+10000.

This; same.

You would, in casual conversation, imply to someone you don't know well that the person has an open marriage? If you spoke to me that way, I would assume you were a swinger and have a SCREECHING good time telling that story for the rest of my days.

Be direct. I saw your husband out with so and so! They seemed to be having a good time catching up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP stay out of this. the news are going to spread out quickly regardless. let others do it.

Unless everyone else has the same mentality. Which leads to it going on for who knows how long and numerous people in the community, neighborhood, kids school, etc. knowing about it before the other spouse does. Whether it is the wife or husband, it doesn't matter. The cheated on spouse deserves to preserve some dignity in the situation and be told.

AMEN! Wish someone had told me before he brought home herpes. Literally, you may be saving her health by telling her. I sure wish someone had been able to do that for me.

Anonymous wrote:OP stay out of this. the news are going to spread out quickly regardless. let others do it.

Unless everyone else has the same mentality. Which leads to it going on for who knows how long and numerous people in the community, neighborhood, kids school, etc. knowing about it before the other spouse does. Whether it is the wife or husband, it doesn't matter. The cheated on spouse deserves to preserve some dignity in the situation and be told.

Leave a note in the mailbox

OP stay out of this. the news are going to spread out quickly regardless. let others do it.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I notice that women agonize over informing the DW but men couldn't give a shit. Kinda like a 'bros before hos' thing, and I wonder if it makes more sense to take their approach instead of worrying about someone else's marriage. You're not his keeper.

OP here. My husband does care as well. We know it's ultimately none of our business. I don't know what goes on behind closed doors in others' homes although I don't get the sense that his wife would be ok with this. I just was curious what the thought process is behind going to a restaurant 15 minutes from your house with your mistress, showing PDA and not worrying about getting caught by someone who knows you. Is he just past the point of giving a shit?

The bigger question is why do YOU give a shit?

because she was cheated on and her new mission in life is to punish all cheaters.

This

Stop sticking your thing where it doesn't belong and this ceases to be a problem. Pig.

I’m a woman.

Women can be pigs, too.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I notice that women agonize over informing the DW but men couldn't give a shit. Kinda like a 'bros before hos' thing, and I wonder if it makes more sense to take their approach instead of worrying about someone else's marriage. You're not his keeper.

OP here. My husband does care as well. We know it's ultimately none of our business. I don't know what goes on behind closed doors in others' homes although I don't get the sense that his wife would be ok with this. I just was curious what the thought process is behind going to a restaurant 15 minutes from your house with your mistress, showing PDA and not worrying about getting caught by someone who knows you. Is he just past the point of giving a shit?

The bigger question is why do YOU give a shit?

because she was cheated on and her new mission in life is to punish all cheaters.

This

Stop sticking your thing where it doesn't belong and this ceases to be a problem. Pig.

I’m a woman.

Women can be pigs, too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if this is an open marriage, generally one of the rules is discreteness. Which this guy is obviously violating.

The only thing worse than being cheated on, is realizing that you were the ONLY person who didn't know it was happening. Everyone else knew what was going on and still smiled in your face, while gossiping and pitying you behind your back.

I would 100% want to know. And I would be embarrassed at hearing the news, but also thankful that I knew so I wasn't the one in the dark.

Anyone here who claims they wouldn't want to know if their spouse was having an affair out in the open enough for their neighbors/friends/community to see is a liar.

No one is arguing THAT point - most people would want to know. But the question here whether OP should be the one to tell her? That is what most of us are addressing.

Who else is going to do it? OP has information that others may not.

Yes, OP has the information. That is not the point either. People were questioning whether OP should disclose the info given the circumstances of the situation. Not close to the woman because she thrives on drama, they are neighbors meaning that they will have to see each other after disclosure, potential safety issues, it will be readily apparent that OP is the one who told, etc.

Very similar thing happened to me except that we were friends with both the man and the woman. The man never saw us. We never said a thing. It all came out soon enough and they divorce not too long after.