Anonymous wrote:The question I have for everybody is, would it have mattered if OP did NOT spend $150 per kid? Suppose OP was poor, on a limited budget and could only invite 10 girls - no room for lowering the budget to include all her friends. Would people still feel like OP was being exclusive? I'm just wondering if her income matters. What if the 4th friend did not get along with the other girls - would that justify exclusiveness?

If the fourth friend didn’t get along with the birthday girls other friends, that would fundamentally change the situation. Of course, she would be justified in not inviting her because it would change the friend dynamic of the party and make it less fun for all. This was not the case - by excluding the neighborhood girl, OP changed the friend dynamic of the neighborhood girls for the sake of holding an “exclusive” party.

Bad parenting.

Anonymous wrote:The question I have for everybody is, would it have mattered if OP did NOT spend $150 per kid? Suppose OP was poor, on a limited budget and could only invite 10 girls - no room for lowering the budget to include all her friends. Would people still feel like OP was being exclusive? I'm just wondering if her income matters. What if the 4th friend did not get along with the other girls - would that justify exclusiveness?

I would feel the same if the party was $5/person. She left one girl out of the neighborhood crew. The new girl. It just sucks, sorry. OP never said the new girl didn't get along - she said they all play together, so that doesn't apply here. I just think it sets the stage for future exclusion (because she's not REALLY a part of the group). I do think the excluded girl's mom is out of line.

The question I have for everybody is, would it have mattered if OP did NOT spend $150 per kid? Suppose OP was poor, on a limited budget and could only invite 10 girls - no room for lowering the budget to include all her friends. Would people still feel like OP was being exclusive? I'm just wondering if her income matters. What if the 4th friend did not get along with the other girls - would that justify exclusiveness?

FFS. You people really take this nice kids party to heart. You are all whacko. OP, have whatever kind of party you want. No adult should care this much - they need help.

As soon as someone fills her in on what she actually missed, the left out girl won't care. Fancy restaurant at 10? BOOOOORRRRRINNNNNNNGGGGGG. A "fancy gift bag"? Gag.

OP: Where do you live? I want to avoid your neighborhood like the plague!

First, you sound ridiculous.

Who plans an "all bells and whistles party" for a 10 year old? Why "celebrate at a very expensive venue" plus "dinner at her favorite restaurant" and a "great goody bag" for a grand total of $150 a kid. Are you TRYING to raise a brat??

Clearly, that event was for you. And you need to check yourself. If you want to throw a showy party, save it for your own birthday. If you want to take your daughter out to a fancy restaurant to celebrate, do it just the two of you.

Ten year old kids who are lucky enough to have lots of friends they want to include, should be encouraged and assisted in being inclusive -- not artificially limited and forced into hosting a party where they are forced to exclude kids they want to celebrate THEIR birthday with.

Had you put YOUR needs aside and chosen to have a "normal" party, your DD would have been able to invite all her friends, as she had wanted. The party would have been more authentically hers -- not yours -- and your neighbor would have been there.

But then again you would have missed the opportunity to pass your crappy values on to your DD . . . .

All that said . . .

Your neighbor is out of line complaining about it to others. Yes, I'm sure her DD feels hurt and sad, and I'm sure your neighbor feels strongly that you're an obnoxious b!tch.

She may be right, but it's not appropriate or even necessary for her to tell everyone about your shortcomings and tackiness. Your actions speak for themselves. She should stand back and let things run their course.

When people -- like OP -- are making asses of themselves, it's usually best to get out of their way.

It’s ok to feel crappy if you feel your child has been excluded, but going around talking about it to people who are obviously not trusted confidants was poor judgement on the other mother’s part. I feel bad for the neighborhood girl—she probably does feel very sad and excluded. Good lord, who hasn’t ever felt like that?! It sucks.

Her mother is just venting; let it go, OP. Or actually talk to the other mother about the situation, tell her what you’ve said here. You can be the bigger person by directly addressing this. Apologize for confusion and hard feelings so everyone can just move on.

Leaving out the new kid purposely while inviting the rest is really sad.

Sounds to me like the daughter wanted to invite more friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has every right to decide whatever guest list she likes, but inviting 3/4 neighborhood friends is inevitably going to lead to very hurt feelings and you need to accept that.

That child's mother needs to accept it and explain it to her daughter. The girl chose the friends she was closest to.

The mom can explain it, but by not inviting one girl on purpose just broke up a nice neighborhood relationship she had with 4 girls.

That is on the invitee. I don't think it is right for the neighbor mom to bitch about it, but it was purposeful and awkward for the 3 girls nonetheless. The "new" neighbor girl gets left out. Try putting yourself in that girls shoes. Moving your family. Your daughter thinks she has found a few neighborhood friends the past year or so (which is really hard to do) and then all but her get invited to an important expensive event. It's pretty sad.

And the fact the mom spoke of the cost per head of a 10yr old birthday party speaks volumes about them.

Anonymous wrote:She has every right to decide whatever guest list she likes, but inviting 3/4 neighborhood friends is inevitably going to lead to very hurt feelings and you need to accept that.

That child's mother needs to accept it and explain it to her daughter. The girl chose the friends she was closest to.

She has every right to decide whatever guest list she likes, but inviting 3/4 neighborhood friends is inevitably going to lead to very hurt feelings and you need to accept that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are setting precedent for bad values for your child. You should have given her the option of this exclusive party vs a more casual one where all her friends can be invited. Hopefully she would have picked the 2nd option, to be inclusive. You are setting her up to be an elitist. What's more important, to have a materialistic party where the price per kid is high or use that same money to invite all her friends. At the end of the day, what's more important to have a fancy birthday party or one where you are surrounded by all the people who you consider friends? You are imprinting to her bad behaviors that she may model later on .... sad.

Suggesting that the mom should have invited all friends and chosen a cheaper venue in ridiculous. She wanted to have an amazing party for he child's 10th birthday. We've done more expensive birthdays for our 3 kid's 10's also. This isn't kindergarten. I could do an all friends party for my shy son. For two very outgoing daughters, hosting all their friends would be insane. Honestly they have always preferred small high quality parties with their close friends. They enjoy and bond a lot more than those huge venues we used to do when they were little. I'm glad the parties have gotten smaller and higher in quality.

+1. The cost of the party isn't the issue. Whether OP did the $150 per guest or just a cake at home she has every right to limit the number of guests. Her daughter chose who she wanted to invite.

Anonymous wrote:You are setting precedent for bad values for your child. You should have given her the option of this exclusive party vs a more casual one where all her friends can be invited. Hopefully she would have picked the 2nd option, to be inclusive. You are setting her up to be an elitist. What's more important, to have a materialistic party where the price per kid is high or use that same money to invite all her friends. At the end of the day, what's more important to have a fancy birthday party or one where you are surrounded by all the people who you consider friends? You are imprinting to her bad behaviors that she may model later on .... sad.

Suggesting that the mom should have invited all friends and chosen a cheaper venue in ridiculous. She wanted to have an amazing party for he child's 10th birthday. We've done more expensive birthdays for our 3 kid's 10's also. This isn't kindergarten. I could do an all friends party for my shy son. For two very outgoing daughters, hosting all their friends would be insane. Honestly they have always preferred small high quality parties with their close friends. They enjoy and bond a lot more than those huge venues we used to do when they were little. I'm glad the parties have gotten smaller and higher in quality.

Anonymous wrote:We could afford that type of party of our 10 year old but wouldn’t do it for exactly the reason here.

We are trying to to teach our child inclusion and kindness. We are trying to mold a functional adult who will help society.

OP is producing the next Paris Hilton or Donald Trump.

Whatever was in the bag, was it really worth hurting the feelings of other girls? You taught your daughter to rank friendships and value money. But, that’s America and American values. I pity you and your child.

+1 kindness and inclusion op not country club exclusion. Your DD is 10. I would think such behavior can wait. But you do you.