Anonymous
Post 06/07/2017 15:47     Subject: Re:My boys don't want me to get remarried
My parents split when I was 10. My mother never dated that I know or remarried. When I was a child I was glad she didn't for selfish reasons of course. As an adult looking back, she kept things as uncomplicated and consistent as possible for my siblings and I. That said, if I were you OP, I'd wait until the kids were in college. 5 years will fly by.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2017 15:26     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:Op, what are you planning to do? Just curious. I'm on team wait until youngest is in college.

Years ago, I knew someone in a similar situation. She listened to her teen daughters and didn't marry the guy. Then she met a guy they did approve of and she got married while two of the girls were still living at home. The rejected first guy was bossy, while the approved of guy was quiet and calm.

Maybe your boys are afraid that your fiancé will boss them around? Is fiancé bossy or have a loud personality?

This is Op. Well, I am not rushing into anything. My fiancé only stays over my place when my boys are at their fathers. There have been a few occasions where my youngest has texted me to come get him from dads because dad is "in a mood", so on those occasions I have not made my fiancé leave and go to his place. The boys know he stays over. They have even said that they are glad I'm not alone. I feel that the "forever" meaning behind marriage is the big issue and causing my boys most of the stress. I don't want my oldest son to go away to college, then come back home and feel like everything at home changed, because we all know that they do come back, summers, breaks and after college until they are on their own two feet. Which he is ALWAYS welcome at home no matter what. So, right now, I am hitting the "pause button" on the marriage piece. I will also speak with a family counselor about the situation and find out how best to approach it. My fiancé knows that he is not going to reprimand the kids. That is my job. They are at an age where this needs to continue to come from their mother. Obviously if he sees them doing something wrong, he will question it with them at that moment as to not get himself in a "tattled on the boys" situation. That won't earn him any trust with the boys. He knows where he stand and what his role is with them. He doesn't have children, and has never been married. He has had many years of school and then has been 150% into his career. That's where I'm at at this point. Time will tell what happens. Will he be ok with a pause on marriage talks, will the kids learn to accept the relationship more. We will see. Thanks for the feedback and perspectives, most (not all) of them were helpful. I look at so many families that are on second marriages and wonder how do they make it work?
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2017 09:09     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Op, what are you planning to do? Just curious. I'm on team wait until youngest is in college.

Years ago, I knew someone in a similar situation. She listened to her teen daughters and didn't marry the guy. Then she met a guy they did approve of and she got married while two of the girls were still living at home. The rejected first guy was bossy, while the approved of guy was quiet and calm.

Maybe your boys are afraid that your fiancé will boss them around? Is fiancé bossy or have a loud personality?
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 20:41     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Look, OP, sometimes you get what you get. Your kids wanted their parents to like each other. They cant have that and they have to suck it up. You want your kids to like your boyfriend. You can't have that and you have to suck it up! Nobody is really happy with the way your family turned out, and that's just the reality of it.

You can take people's advice to force it on them, but if what you really want is a happy family, that's a dumb idea. If your goal is to marry this guy at all costs, sure, go ahead. But I don't think it is.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 20:21     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Lol at these responses. Just because you're divorced and have kids doesn't mean they get to dictate your life decisions. You're allowed to be happy too and they're going to leave the house one day. Such is life. I'd tell them in no uncertain terms that you and ex will never get back together.


Lol at overlooking the complications that come back to bite you in the ass and put a damper on the rest of your life.


Lol they will kove in with their dad. Or maybe pretend that everything is fine but secretly resent both of you and your relationship will not recover, ever. Enjoy seeing less of your grandkids!


Some of y'all are such fatalists. You're insane. Take a Klonopin and go to bed.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 20:14     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Lol at these responses. Just because you're divorced and have kids doesn't mean they get to dictate your life decisions. You're allowed to be happy too and they're going to leave the house one day. Such is life. I'd tell them in no uncertain terms that you and ex will never get back together.


Lol at overlooking the complications that come back to bite you in the ass and put a damper on the rest of your life.


Lol they will kove in with their dad. Or maybe pretend that everything is fine but secretly resent both of you and your relationship will not recover, ever. Enjoy seeing less of your grandkids!
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 19:34     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:Lol at these responses. Just because you're divorced and have kids doesn't mean they get to dictate your life decisions. You're allowed to be happy too and they're going to leave the house one day. Such is life. I'd tell them in no uncertain terms that you and ex will never get back together.


Lol at overlooking the complications that come back to bite you in the ass and put a damper on the rest of your life.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 19:08     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Lol at these responses. Just because you're divorced and have kids doesn't mean they get to dictate your life decisions. You're allowed to be happy too and they're going to leave the house one day. Such is life. I'd tell them in no uncertain terms that you and ex will never get back together.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 16:48     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
^^ ok I can see that. The kids still hate this idea and will probably test this poor guys ability to stand down.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 16:46     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Doing your best is to not bring a unrelated strange man in your teens home to cohabitate till the kids are up and out. I'm not saying this as some kind of morality play or shaming thing. It's for the consideration of making ones life better for the long haul. The resentment, damage and hurt inside the teen boys could last forever and bring sadness forever. Could you imagine how stupid you would feel in the statistically highly likely event of divorcing husband number 2? Is it even worth the risk? When you make the plunge to override the comfortable home of your teen boys with this new marriage you almost can't even afford to have a fight with your new spouse. The kids will be like oh great.. Fighting with the guy we don't want in the house ... Kick him out. It's like you have to act happier than you are and walk on eggshells to avoid any chance the relationship sours and you look like a fool. Nobody is worth that crap.


Okay, so your stance is that if people divorce or are widowed with children, they should not remarry until the kids are out of the house. Period.


It's always super risky. In the case of children that are dead set against it the whole thing is on super shaky ground. No way to start a marriage .. It's like you have a gun to your head to look like your happy when you may not be because you are a fool it it collapses after the fuss you made. It's not fair but in most cases, bringing a strange man into a house is more traumatic than a father bringing in a new woman since men are more likely to be abusive and are naturally a dominant member of the household. Obviously if you are floundering financially, you may have no choice but in general, the precious and few years you spend with children make up a small percentage of your total life. They are worth maxing out the closeness and comfortable secure environment.


Do you speak from experience on any side of this, or are you just speculating?

Your assumptions are:

1) Women who remarry are under extra pressure to look happy
2) Women who remarry are putting their kids in danger because men are dominant and abusers
3) Women who remarry are doing so because they need the money

You've made it pretty clear that you think very little of divorced women who remarry and any male who would be interested in remarrying them. Why is that? Personal baggage?


I think any gender that brings a stranger in the house to cohabitate is under pressure to act like everything is great when it may not be so that they don't look like an idiot. A unrelated man in the house may have to subdue his natural dominance for many years...doesn't necessarily sound healthy or happy. One of the principal reasons marriage exists is financial, this is no shame. I don't think poorly at all of divorced women that remarry with kids!! I just think that in the long haul big long life picture giving the kids a less complicated childhood will pay off more than the alternative.


Your other post was pretty specific that you think this is a problem that applies only to women. I don't think that all men are naturally dominant or that marriages necessarily have a dominant partner and a submissive one. My first marriage didn't, and my second marriage doesn't either.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 16:41     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
^^^Reality can be sexist to some people and sexy to others.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 16:40     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Doing your best is to not bring a unrelated strange man in your teens home to cohabitate till the kids are up and out. I'm not saying this as some kind of morality play or shaming thing. It's for the consideration of making ones life better for the long haul. The resentment, damage and hurt inside the teen boys could last forever and bring sadness forever. Could you imagine how stupid you would feel in the statistically highly likely event of divorcing husband number 2? Is it even worth the risk? When you make the plunge to override the comfortable home of your teen boys with this new marriage you almost can't even afford to have a fight with your new spouse. The kids will be like oh great.. Fighting with the guy we don't want in the house ... Kick him out. It's like you have to act happier than you are and walk on eggshells to avoid any chance the relationship sours and you look like a fool. Nobody is worth that crap.


Okay, so your stance is that if people divorce or are widowed with children, they should not remarry until the kids are out of the house. Period.


I'm pretty sure that only applies to the mothers remarrying. Dads are men, ya know.


Honestly , mothers usually have a tighter bond with their children. Men are pigs. In the end it usually works out in the mothers favor if they put their kids first.



What's wrong with sexy?
Do you understand how sexist your position on this is? Women shouldn't remarry, because the men they marry are probably abusers and anyway, they should prioritize their kids over everything else. Men, on the other hand, shouldn't have to think about such things because they don't bond with their kids. Do the men in your life know how little you think of them?
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 16:39     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Doing your best is to not bring a unrelated strange man in your teens home to cohabitate till the kids are up and out. I'm not saying this as some kind of morality play or shaming thing. It's for the consideration of making ones life better for the long haul. The resentment, damage and hurt inside the teen boys could last forever and bring sadness forever. Could you imagine how stupid you would feel in the statistically highly likely event of divorcing husband number 2? Is it even worth the risk? When you make the plunge to override the comfortable home of your teen boys with this new marriage you almost can't even afford to have a fight with your new spouse. The kids will be like oh great.. Fighting with the guy we don't want in the house ... Kick him out. It's like you have to act happier than you are and walk on eggshells to avoid any chance the relationship sours and you look like a fool. Nobody is worth that crap.


Okay, so your stance is that if people divorce or are widowed with children, they should not remarry until the kids are out of the house. Period.


It's always super risky. In the case of children that are dead set against it the whole thing is on super shaky ground. No way to start a marriage .. It's like you have a gun to your head to look like your happy when you may not be because you are a fool it it collapses after the fuss you made. It's not fair but in most cases, bringing a strange man into a house is more traumatic than a father bringing in a new woman since men are more likely to be abusive and are naturally a dominant member of the household. Obviously if you are floundering financially, you may have no choice but in general, the precious and few years you spend with children make up a small percentage of your total life. They are worth maxing out the closeness and comfortable secure environment.


Do you speak from experience on any side of this, or are you just speculating?

Your assumptions are:

1) Women who remarry are under extra pressure to look happy
2) Women who remarry are putting their kids in danger because men are dominant and abusers
3) Women who remarry are doing so because they need the money

You've made it pretty clear that you think very little of divorced women who remarry and any male who would be interested in remarrying them. Why is that? Personal baggage?


I think any gender that brings a stranger in the house to cohabitate is under pressure to act like everything is great when it may not be so that they don't look like an idiot. A unrelated man in the house may have to subdue his natural dominance for many years...doesn't necessarily sound healthy or happy. One of the principal reasons marriage exists is financial, this is no shame. I don't think poorly at all of divorced women that remarry with kids!! I just think that in the long haul big long life picture giving the kids a less complicated childhood will pay off more than the alternative.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 16:35     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Doing your best is to not bring a unrelated strange man in your teens home to cohabitate till the kids are up and out. I'm not saying this as some kind of morality play or shaming thing. It's for the consideration of making ones life better for the long haul. The resentment, damage and hurt inside the teen boys could last forever and bring sadness forever. Could you imagine how stupid you would feel in the statistically highly likely event of divorcing husband number 2? Is it even worth the risk? When you make the plunge to override the comfortable home of your teen boys with this new marriage you almost can't even afford to have a fight with your new spouse. The kids will be like oh great.. Fighting with the guy we don't want in the house ... Kick him out. It's like you have to act happier than you are and walk on eggshells to avoid any chance the relationship sours and you look like a fool. Nobody is worth that crap.


Okay, so your stance is that if people divorce or are widowed with children, they should not remarry until the kids are out of the house. Period.


I'm pretty sure that only applies to the mothers remarrying. Dads are men, ya know.


Honestly , mothers usually have a tighter bond with their children. Men are pigs. In the end it usually works out in the mothers favor if they put their kids first.


Do you understand how sexist your position on this is? Women shouldn't remarry, because the men they marry are probably abusers and anyway, they should prioritize their kids over everything else. Men, on the other hand, shouldn't have to think about such things because they don't bond with their kids. Do the men in your life know how little you think of them?
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 16:30     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Doing your best is to not bring a unrelated strange man in your teens home to cohabitate till the kids are up and out. I'm not saying this as some kind of morality play or shaming thing. It's for the consideration of making ones life better for the long haul. The resentment, damage and hurt inside the teen boys could last forever and bring sadness forever. Could you imagine how stupid you would feel in the statistically highly likely event of divorcing husband number 2? Is it even worth the risk? When you make the plunge to override the comfortable home of your teen boys with this new marriage you almost can't even afford to have a fight with your new spouse. The kids will be like oh great.. Fighting with the guy we don't want in the house ... Kick him out. It's like you have to act happier than you are and walk on eggshells to avoid any chance the relationship sours and you look like a fool. Nobody is worth that crap.


Okay, so your stance is that if people divorce or are widowed with children, they should not remarry until the kids are out of the house. Period.


I'm pretty sure that only applies to the mothers remarrying. Dads are men, ya know.


Honestly , mothers usually have a tighter bond with their children. Men are pigs. In the end it usually works out in the mothers favor if they put their kids first.