Anonymous wrote:It's obviously a personal decision for each person. I think a lot of the decision is based upon the overall dynamics. For instance my situation.

Laugh if you must, but this is my story.

She has bullied me to sit on the toilet to urinate. Has restricted me to sex 3-4x a year for 25+ years. No bjs during marriage.
NO sex during pregnancy. Generally, she is extremely sexually selfish.

F_ _ _ NO I'm not getting a V. I retain my right to produce sperm. It's the only damn manly thing about me she can't take away.

If you are being bullied by your wife you might want to consider therapy.

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Anonymous wrote:Isn't this like deciding on having another child? "The 'no' vote wins"?

Sure. But choices have consequences. Like condoms in conjunction with NFP...no sex during fertile window...which is 7-10 days of the month...

Hmph. Well then I would his "no" vote to monogamy would be perfectly justified.

Avoiding sex for 1/4 of the month is "justification" for cheating? You are a sad, sad person. No wonder no one wants to have a relationship with you.

Are you psychic? You seem to know all about my life! What color dress am I wearing right now?

Who knows about your physical appearance. Your personality channels this though:


Definitely not appealing to others.

If only you knew! I'm definitely more appealing than all the shrews demanding things from their husbands and threatening no sex. It's okay. He's probably rather leave and have sex with someone that's not a total soul-sucker.

So how would you handle OP's situation? Just accept the additional health risks and get your tubes tied? No resentment towards DH at all?

The risks are very low, so yes. I'm also not a tit-for-tat scorekeeper partner, so this is not that big of a deal to me. Let's face it. The ladies here going on about it are not very concerned about heath risks. This is more about scorekeeping for them. I'm not that type of person, and keeping score is not good for a relationship, so I would do it.

Did you have really easy pregnancies or something? I am not a scorekeeper. But I notice when I do 99% of something and my husband does none of it. In some cases I don't care because it generally all evens out. I do 99% of cooking but my DH does 99% of bug killing and fixing stuff. And it feels like we share childcare pretty well.

But my pregnancies have been hellish. I almost died the first time around. I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant and despite being uncomfortable and large I am still pulling my weight with our toddler and the house. I'm fine with all this, there is no way for my husband to share this burden. I truly believe he would if he could.

I don't count who washes the dishes every day, I don't count how many bedtimes each of us shoulders, how many drop offs. There is no chore tally in my head. But bearing the burden of family planning is difficult and one I have born exclusively for almost our entire relationship. This honestly would not be about whether the vasectomy or tubal is worse (although like a pp said, like the whole world agrees that the V is less dangerous and less invasive), this would be about this refusal being a slap in the face to every unwanted pound I carried while on birth control, every bout of acne, every ache and pain of pregnancy, every injury associated with birth, the damage done to my core and abdominals as a result of carrying children, the damage done to my pelvic floor, the stress of thinking about backup plans when I have to take antibiotics, the $$$$$ I spent on birth control out of my own pocket before we were married.

If my husband refused to consider a vasectomy, it would show me that he has virtually no appreciation or understanding for what I have gone through as a woman for basically my entire adult life. And that would be a big problem in our marriage.

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Anonymous wrote:Another person who would consider divorce.

If my husband watched me go through what I've been through with pregnancy and didn't volunteer for this when we decided we were done having children I don't even know what I would do. It would be so grossly inconsiderate and unfair.

You seem pretty a-ok with it, more mildly annoyed than viscerally angry OP. Its your life but I'd value myself more than you seem to. This is like...a character flaw which means he values his own body SIGNIFICANTLY more than yours (because the risks in this case are so lopsided). This would be a marriage risking fight for me.

His body, his choice, amirite?

Yes of course, and there are consequences and contexts to choices. I'm not saying he should be legally compelled to get his tubes tied. I believe there are also pretty severe consequences when a woman unilaterally chooses to get an abortion while in a relationship with a man without discussing it with him and taking his feelings into account.

The thing with this is that his choices and my choices have collectively led to my body taking on a significant strain in both the having and preventing of having children (via pregnancy, birth, birth control pills etc). He will have enjoyed the consequences of my body bearing those burdens for many many years. I believe it would be grossly unfair to refuse to take on a minor 48 hour burden to help me, his partner in life, not have to take further strain on my own body, which will have done more than its share in our family planning efforts to that point.

Tubal ligation is a minor outpatient procedure. Go get it done. Since you're not opposed to "minor 48 hour burdens" this should be no problem for you.

This is a false premise. Tubal ligation requires general anesthesia and is essentially abdominal surgery. And I haven't been opposed to minor 48 hour burdens when I was recovering from c-sections for two weeks, going through pregnancies for nine months, or enduring the side effects of birth control for decades.

This is like if I went to the grocery store and had 100 bags of groceries in the car and I unloaded 99 of them and then asked my husband to unload the last bag. And he looked at me and said I was unbelieveably selfish for asking him to take on that burden. It is unfair, plain and simple.

Nope. You can get tubal ligation with a spinal anesthetic. Takes 30 minutes. You go home the same day.

Compared to vasectomy, this is 50 bags and 50 bags.

You missed PP's point, which is that she's carried a whole lot of bags already, so she's banked all 99 of those before this decision even came up.

In any event, pretty much every doctor and website in the WORLD disagrees with you. A tubal ligation is much more involved than a vasectomy. Neither are open heart surgery, but the facts are the facts. The risks are higher, the anesthesia is more significant (even a spinal is more involved than pure local), the pain is greater, and the recovery time is longer.

Nope. If the issue is surgery today, bags you carried yesterday are irrelevant.

Pretty much every doctor and website in the world agrees tubal ligation is a low-risk, simple procedure and there is no reason she could not go have it done tomorrow except she doesn't want to and is fixated on making her DH do something else instead. She would rather fight a stupid battle over "who will have the surgery done" rather than win the war of "birth control issue permanently solved".

A stupid battle? He can get a vasectomy.

If they can't agree then flip a coin. That person gets it done, problem solved.

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Anonymous wrote:Isn't this like deciding on having another child? "The 'no' vote wins"?

Sure. But choices have consequences. Like condoms in conjunction with NFP...no sex during fertile window...which is 7-10 days of the month...

Hmph. Well then I would his "no" vote to monogamy would be perfectly justified.

Avoiding sex for 1/4 of the month is "justification" for cheating? You are a sad, sad person. No wonder no one wants to have a relationship with you.

This person is very unhappy, on similar threads. He believes he owns his partners body, apparently they feel otherwise.

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Anonymous wrote:Isn't this like deciding on having another child? "The 'no' vote wins"?

Sure. But choices have consequences. Like condoms in conjunction with NFP...no sex during fertile window...which is 7-10 days of the month...

Hmph. Well then I would his "no" vote to monogamy would be perfectly justified.

Avoiding sex for 1/4 of the month is "justification" for cheating? You are a sad, sad person. No wonder no one wants to have a relationship with you.

Are you psychic? You seem to know all about my life! What color dress am I wearing right now?

Who knows about your physical appearance. Your personality channels this though:


Definitely not appealing to others.

If only you knew! I'm definitely more appealing than all the shrews demanding things from their husbands and threatening no sex. It's okay. He's probably rather leave and have sex with someone that's not a total soul-sucker.

So how would you handle OP's situation? Just accept the additional health risks and get your tubes tied? No resentment towards DH at all?

The risks are very low, so yes. I'm also not a tit-for-tat scorekeeper partner, so this is not that big of a deal to me. Let's face it. The ladies here going on about it are not very concerned about heath risks. This is more about scorekeeping for them. I'm not that type of person, and keeping score is not good for a relationship, so I would do it.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't this like deciding on having another child? "The 'no' vote wins"?

Sure. But choices have consequences. Like condoms in conjunction with NFP...no sex during fertile window...which is 7-10 days of the month...

Hmph. Well then I would his "no" vote to monogamy would be perfectly justified.

Avoiding sex for 1/4 of the month is "justification" for cheating? You are a sad, sad person. No wonder no one wants to have a relationship with you.

Are you psychic? You seem to know all about my life! What color dress am I wearing right now?

Who knows about your physical appearance. Your personality channels this though:


Definitely not appealing to others.

If only you knew! I'm definitely more appealing than all the shrews demanding things from their husbands and threatening no sex. It's okay. He's probably rather leave and have sex with someone that's not a total soul-sucker.

So how would you handle OP's situation? Just accept the additional health risks and get your tubes tied? No resentment towards DH at all?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't this like deciding on having another child? "The 'no' vote wins"?

Sure. But choices have consequences. Like condoms in conjunction with NFP...no sex during fertile window...which is 7-10 days of the month...

Hmph. Well then I would his "no" vote to monogamy would be perfectly justified.

Avoiding sex for 1/4 of the month is "justification" for cheating? You are a sad, sad person. No wonder no one wants to have a relationship with you.

Are you psychic? You seem to know all about my life! What color dress am I wearing right now?

Who knows about your physical appearance. Your personality channels this though:


Definitely not appealing to others.

If only you knew! I'm definitely more appealing than all the shrews demanding things from their husbands and threatening no sex. It's okay. He's probably rather leave and have sex with someone that's not a total soul-sucker.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't this like deciding on having another child? "The 'no' vote wins"?

Sure. But choices have consequences. Like condoms in conjunction with NFP...no sex during fertile window...which is 7-10 days of the month...

Hmph. Well then I would his "no" vote to monogamy would be perfectly justified.

Avoiding sex for 1/4 of the month is "justification" for cheating? You are a sad, sad person. No wonder no one wants to have a relationship with you.

Are you psychic? You seem to know all about my life! What color dress am I wearing right now?

Who knows about your physical appearance. Your personality channels this though:


Definitely not appealing to others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't this like deciding on having another child? "The 'no' vote wins"?

Sure. But choices have consequences. Like condoms in conjunction with NFP...no sex during fertile window...which is 7-10 days of the month...

Hmph. Well then I would his "no" vote to monogamy would be perfectly justified.

Avoiding sex for 1/4 of the month is "justification" for cheating? You are a sad, sad person. No wonder no one wants to have a relationship with you.

Are you psychic? You seem to know all about my life! What color dress am I wearing right now?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't this like deciding on having another child? "The 'no' vote wins"?

Sure. But choices have consequences. Like condoms in conjunction with NFP...no sex during fertile window...which is 7-10 days of the month...

Hmph. Well then I would his "no" vote to monogamy would be perfectly justified.

Avoiding sex for 1/4 of the month is "justification" for cheating? You are a sad, sad person. No wonder no one wants to have a relationship with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't this like deciding on having another child? "The 'no' vote wins"?

Sure. But choices have consequences. Like condoms in conjunction with NFP...no sex during fertile window...which is 7-10 days of the month...

Hmph. Well then I would his "no" vote to monogamy would be perfectly justified.

And there her 'no' vote to remaining married would probably be invoked! Funny how this stuff works.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't this like deciding on having another child? "The 'no' vote wins"?

Sure. But choices have consequences. Like condoms in conjunction with NFP...no sex during fertile window...which is 7-10 days of the month...

Hmph. Well then I would his "no" vote to monogamy would be perfectly justified.

Anonymous wrote:Isn't this like deciding on having another child? "The 'no' vote wins"?

Yep, just like deciding to have unprotected sex. I'd be voting 'no' on that until menopause.

Pay for having his sperm frozen/stored. Then send him off to the doc.

Anonymous wrote:Isn't this like deciding on having another child? "The 'no' vote wins"?

Sure. But choices have consequences. Like condoms in conjunction with NFP...no sex during fertile window...which is 7-10 days of the month...