PPs, I promise to treat my DILs really well and hopefully we will have a close relationship, not the horror stories one hears on DCUM.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so torn about this. On the one hand I understand not wanting MIL there but as the mother of only sons I also feel the pain of being the second tier granny. Tough call. If you can find it in you to have her attend then you should, OP.

As a mom of two boys I would be ashamed of myself if I ever tried to pressure my future DILs into letting me be in the delivery room.

Please have some respect for the mothers of your grandchildren!

+1000. Good grief! She's going to be naked with her legs spread! Respect your DILs privacy!

This is total insanity. I can't believe she even asked. No, you don't "owe" her this, give me a break!

Why does she have to see the child even hours after birth? What, exactly, is so special about the child then that will not be true a day or two later?

You OWE it to yourself and your own mental health, for your children and husband, to have only people at the hospital who will make you feel totally comfortable as you go through an intense physical experience and recover.

So what if she is sad she does not get to see a grandchild being born. There are many, many things in life she does not get to have. She is a grown-up and presumably can deal with this.

How far does your MIL live from the hospital? Were your other births fast? Can she come meet you in the post partum room, not 24 hrs later, but maybe an hour later?

I've always been confused about mothers/MIL in the L&D rooms - dont you want to bond with just you, baby, and DH? Can others just wait their turn and let you clean up, get wheeled to the Post partum wing, let you bond, let DH bond, without talking your ear off, offering their opinion, asking questions to the nurses, getting in your way, etc.?

Anonymous wrote:I'm so torn about this. On the one hand I understand not wanting MIL there but as the mother of only sons I also feel the pain of being the second tier granny. Tough call. If you can find it in you to have her attend then you should, OP.

As a mom of two boys I would be ashamed of myself if I ever tried to pressure my future DILs into letting me be in the delivery room.

Please have some respect for the mothers of your grandchildren!

You say you have a good relationship with your MIL. Well, getting pressured to let her be in the delivery room when it makes you uncomfortable and stressed is a great way to ruin that relationship.

If you're worried about pushing too hard because you might poop and you don't want her to see... If she's chatting with DH while you're having a contraction and need support... All of these and many more scenarios are reasons that will build up enormous resentment after the birth of your child. You're going to be super emotional and this type of resentment will destroy your relationship with your MIL.

It's going to be very difficult to spend time with MIL in the weeks after the baby is born because you're going to remember the invasion of privacy and carelessness towards you during a very vulnerable time. After the baby is born your MIL will forget all about the delivery and all she'll care is spending time with the baby.

For the sake of your future relationship with your MIL do not get bullied into this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so torn about this. On the one hand I understand not wanting MIL there but as the mother of only sons I also feel the pain of being the second tier granny. Tough call. If you can find it in you to have her attend then you should, OP.

Attending the birth or not doesn't factor into this "second tier granny" business. Your grandchild isn't going to know if you are there are not. What matters is the relationship you build over time. A child's life spans years and years, and there are so many ways you could connect with a grandchild, depending on interests and personalities.

+1

Also, if you are a second tier grandmother, it is not the DiL's job to compensate.

~mom to sons

Anonymous wrote:I'm so torn about this. On the one hand I understand not wanting MIL there but as the mother of only sons I also feel the pain of being the second tier granny. Tough call. If you can find it in you to have her attend then you should, OP.

If you don't want to be a 2nd tier granny, don't treat DILs like 2nd tier daughters. I try SO hard to include my MIL in everything, but she spends all her vacations, holidays and money on her daughter's family. Sons are chopped liver I guess. My mom only had daughters, but my sisters and I get equal time, money and attention. I wasn't ready for this unequal parent time like DH gets. Vacations get billed as a "girls trip" that FIL also goes on. I think this is just so DH gets left out.

Do you owe it to her? No.

Should you do some serious mediation and self-guided imagery to work through your deliberations? I would.

My mother howled at the moon at not being allowed in the delivery room. The first thing she asked when we told her I was expecting a baby was, "Since DIL's mother was the first to hold grandbaby #1, I should be the first to hold yours." That's my mother's way of asking a question. She whined about her own medical knowledge (which all came for having cared for my Dad). She bitched and moaned, which settled it. I wouldn't have wanted her in the room anyway, because it would have been all about HER.

To punish me, she dropped off my almost-2-year-old for 8 hours after I had the baby. The nurses came in aghast and gave me painkillers before I ever asked throughout the day. I had to entertain DC1 for an entire day, while caring for my newborn. Did I mention I delivered by c-section? Yeah, it was awesome. At least I have an adorable video of DS meeting his sister. (That's me trying to find a silver lining to what my mother did.)

If this sounds anything like your MIL, the answer is clear. (That would be a resounding, "Hell no.")

But, if you feel that this is a gift that you could give, I would encourage you to really contemplate how it would look. What rules could you put in place (like, stay at my head, no peeking down below; or, silence during contractions)?

SIL's mother's presence was pure love and pride. She helped my brother as he was fully present for his wife and completely emotional. She was an asset. It was, from everything they've ever shared about the experience, simply beautiful. They had a DD, so the line of grandmother, daughter mother, and newborn girl was powerful. Each of his DDs carries the parents' grandparents' names.

This is YOUR experience. You and only you get to decide who's in that room. Exercise your authority without apology, but do think it through consciously before coming to a decision.

Anonymous wrote:Midwives have always respectfully noted that when laboring women have someone in the room who they're uncomfortable with, it can slow down labor. Remember, our bodies react to our state of mind. When I did doula training I'd see women go from almost no progress to BLAM full labor as soon as their mothers or MILs left. I never wanted my mother or MIL in the room. You're not there to put on a show and make people feel good. You're allowed to say no.

+1

MIL's feelings and wishes are valid, but the only preferences that matter for who attends a birth are the mother's. It is unkind of her to pressure OP, and to me that would be a red flag that she's really not a good person to have in the room because she's more focused on what she wants out of the experience than on supporting the mother.

Anonymous wrote:I'm so torn about this. On the one hand I understand not wanting MIL there but as the mother of only sons I also feel the pain of being the second tier granny. Tough call. If you can find it in you to have her attend then you should, OP.

Attending the birth or not doesn't factor into this "second tier granny" business. Your grandchild isn't going to know if you are there are not. What matters is the relationship you build over time. A child's life spans years and years, and there are so many ways you could connect with a grandchild, depending on interests and personalities.

I'm so torn about this. On the one hand I understand not wanting MIL there but as the mother of only sons I also feel the pain of being the second tier granny. Tough call. If you can find it in you to have her attend then you should, OP.

No. But I didn't have my own mother there either.

Personally, I didn't want anybody but my DH in the room while giving birth... But I can totally understand that she thinks she is always grandma #2 if the wife's mother always gets to see the baby first. I would probably not have any grandmother in the room this time around if you don't feel comfortable with MIL in the room (explain the situation to your mother), and let MIL come in first after the birth, asking mom to wait a day or two this time around.

My DH, mom, and MIL were in the delivery room when my first child was born (as well as doc, nurses) - you have zero privacy at that point anyway. (Both grandpas opted to stay in waiting room). As long as you have a loving relationship with her, I would let her see her grandchild born. Neither grandma made it in time for 2nd child's birth but I would have let them both again if they had! Good luck, hope all goes well.