I was in - still am - in a sexless marriage. I'm not a slob, I'm active around the house helping, like to do DIY stuff around the house, love my kids and spend time with them. Our sex life was rough. Once every few months, to about a year of no sex. It wasn't my physical appearance, couldn't be because I never helped. Regardless, the lack of sex and constant rejection drove me into having an affair. I met a beautiful woman at a gym I go to a lot and we hooked up several times over a period of weeks. It was great. The best part was having someone want me and want to be with me. She made me feel confident and like a man again. The second was always pleasurable and intimate.

I feel bad I had an affair - as she doesn't know. But in the same sense I feel validated since we haven't had sex in so long and still won't. If anything it made me realize there is a lot of potential partners out there so I probably will file for divorce.

Don't wait too long my man, otherwise you're going to regret it, there is a lot of beautiful women who do want to have sex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a sexless marriage. And when I say sexless, I mean sexless. My marriage of 10 years has never been consummated. We lived together for years before getting married and had a great sex life. With no kids we travelled around the world attending fancy parties in places like NYC, Venice, Cuba and Monaco. But as we grew older, it occurred to me that it we didn't have a kid now, we never would. We decided to try and then married while DW was pregnant. We didn't have sex during pregnancy. After DS was born, DW lost all interest in sex. At first she told me it was because women have no sex drive while lactating. I was like "oh, ok, didn't know that." One woman at my office told me that was ridiculous, but I just accepted it. But when nursing stopped, DW continued to sleep with DS. When DW finally returned to our bed, she said that since giving birth, she had losr all interest in sex. This is not to say that I haven't had any sex at all in the past 10 years. DW was always very open minded about sex. She doesn't consider a massage with a happy ending to be cheating. When I've gone to conventions in Rio she doesn't even consider a visit to a bathhouse to be cheating. To her, it's only cheating if there is emotion involved. In every other way, our marriage is great. We are best friends and DW is a great mom. I used to hate our sexless situation, but I have grown to accept it. As I've grown older, my own libido has declined.

Wait, what now? How did she get pregnant if your marriage was never consummated? Did she have sex with some other guy and not you?

Different PP here. He says that they got married while his wife was pregnant, so that means she got pregnant before getting married. So my guess is by "never consummated," he means they had sex before getting married, but they never had sex after getting married. I don't think "consummated" is the right word to use, but that's what I think he meant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not had sex in 6 years. It completely sucks the soul out of you. Wife has left me feeling worthless. I am left to masturbate. I will not cheat on her, and won't leave her because we have two great kids. But I want my lover back.

I have to understand this better. What does your wife say about no sex for 6 years? Does it concern her at all? I am a DW who isn;t into sex but DH and I at least talk about it never let it go more than one month.

There has been hurt and resentment. She lost attraction, though counseling in the past year has helped. She thought I was a selfish lover who was only worried about my orgasm (I dispute that) and said for her sex became linked to the pressure to get pregnant as she neared 40. As I said, we are making small strides on the way back. Oral sex a month ago counts for something, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a sexless marriage. And when I say sexless, I mean sexless. My marriage of 10 years has never been consummated. We lived together for years before getting married and had a great sex life. With no kids we travelled around the world attending fancy parties in places like NYC, Venice, Cuba and Monaco. But as we grew older, it occurred to me that it we didn't have a kid now, we never would. We decided to try and then married while DW was pregnant. We didn't have sex during pregnancy. After DS was born, DW lost all interest in sex. At first she told me it was because women have no sex drive while lactating. I was like "oh, ok, didn't know that." One woman at my office told me that was ridiculous, but I just accepted it. But when nursing stopped, DW continued to sleep with DS. When DW finally returned to our bed, she said that since giving birth, she had losr all interest in sex. This is not to say that I haven't had any sex at all in the past 10 years. DW was always very open minded about sex. She doesn't consider a massage with a happy ending to be cheating. When I've gone to conventions in Rio she doesn't even consider a visit to a bathhouse to be cheating. To her, it's only cheating if there is emotion involved. In every other way, our marriage is great. We are best friends and DW is a great mom. I used to hate our sexless situation, but I have grown to accept it. As I've grown older, my own libido has declined.

Wait, what now? How did she get pregnant if your marriage was never consummated? Did she have sex with some other guy and not you?

Took me a second look to figure it out too but he says they got married while she was pregnant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I am guessing what would make her happy would be if she regained sexual attraction to her husband and that intimacy returned to their lives. For both sexes, intimacy and sex are critical to marital health.

Where are all the posts from women seeking advice to regain sexual attraction to husband? They seem pretty happy snarking it up on the private school forum. Intimacy and sex are obsolete, marital health is a man to pay the tuitions and sync her phone with her new lexus.

Ha...beautiful summary of DCUM as a whole.

Anonymous wrote:I am in a sexless marriage. And when I say sexless, I mean sexless. My marriage of 10 years has never been consummated. We lived together for years before getting married and had a great sex life. With no kids we travelled around the world attending fancy parties in places like NYC, Venice, Cuba and Monaco. But as we grew older, it occurred to me that it we didn't have a kid now, we never would. We decided to try and then married while DW was pregnant. We didn't have sex during pregnancy. After DS was born, DW lost all interest in sex. At first she told me it was because women have no sex drive while lactating. I was like "oh, ok, didn't know that." One woman at my office told me that was ridiculous, but I just accepted it. But when nursing stopped, DW continued to sleep with DS. When DW finally returned to our bed, she said that since giving birth, she had losr all interest in sex. This is not to say that I haven't had any sex at all in the past 10 years. DW was always very open minded about sex. She doesn't consider a massage with a happy ending to be cheating. When I've gone to conventions in Rio she doesn't even consider a visit to a bathhouse to be cheating. To her, it's only cheating if there is emotion involved. In every other way, our marriage is great. We are best friends and DW is a great mom. I used to hate our sexless situation, but I have grown to accept it. As I've grown older, my own libido has declined.

Wait, what now? How did she get pregnant if your marriage was never consummated? Did she have sex with some other guy and not you?

Anonymous wrote:That's a good idea. We fully share the housework and the evenings aren't usually too tough, but I will offer to do more.

Choreplay doesn't work...

Anonymous wrote:I have not had sex in 6 years. It completely sucks the soul out of you. Wife has left me feeling worthless. I am left to masturbate. I will not cheat on her, and won't leave her because we have two great kids. But I want my lover back.

I have to understand this better. What does your wife say about no sex for 6 years? Does it concern her at all? I am a DW who isn;t into sex but DH and I at least talk about it never let it go more than one month.

I have not had sex in 6 years. It completely sucks the soul out of you. Wife has left me feeling worthless. I am left to masturbate. I will not cheat on her, and won't leave her because we have two great kids. But I want my lover back.

Anonymous wrote:OP I am not sure what advice to give you but I will speak to you as a wife who no longer wants sex either. My DH is loving and kind and a wonderful father. He does more than his fair share of housework too. I think for me its a combo of hormonal changes (not on birth control but at age 43 in some kind of pre-menopause), and honestly I am not longer sexually attracted to him. He has gained about 40 lbs since we got married. Also, he was never that great in bed to begin with. It was fine in the beginning because I was so in love and knew he was the man for me. But now its just frustrating and sex doesnt even seem worth the effort. I have seen a dr to talk about my low libido but thyroid and hormone levels are all normal. And here is the real rub, i do want to have sex but not with my husband. I am never going to cheat but I do think about other men all the time. I think this is what most men can't accept, your wife does want sex but not with you. I am not sure where we go from here and I have no idea about your personal situioatn but I wanted to share mine.

Your H is not good in bed. You aren't attracted to him because he's a fat slob. You think about other men all the time. You do want to have sex. I tell you where this is headed: You will have an affair. And then you'll a) come to life again because it's awesome; and b) hate yourself for doing it and not working on your sex life with your husband. Would you be pissed if your husband went out and found a lover?

I am in a sexless marriage. And when I say sexless, I mean sexless. My marriage of 10 years has never been consummated. We lived together for years before getting married and had a great sex life. With no kids we travelled around the world attending fancy parties in places like NYC, Venice, Cuba and Monaco. But as we grew older, it occurred to me that it we didn't have a kid now, we never would. We decided to try and then married while DW was pregnant. We didn't have sex during pregnancy. After DS was born, DW lost all interest in sex. At first she told me it was because women have no sex drive while lactating. I was like "oh, ok, didn't know that." One woman at my office told me that was ridiculous, but I just accepted it. But when nursing stopped, DW continued to sleep with DS. When DW finally returned to our bed, she said that since giving birth, she had losr all interest in sex. This is not to say that I haven't had any sex at all in the past 10 years. DW was always very open minded about sex. She doesn't consider a massage with a happy ending to be cheating. When I've gone to conventions in Rio she doesn't even consider a visit to a bathhouse to be cheating. To her, it's only cheating if there is emotion involved. In every other way, our marriage is great. We are best friends and DW is a great mom. I used to hate our sexless situation, but I have grown to accept it. As I've grown older, my own libido has declined.

Anonymous wrote:I am a DW, married for a long time. DH and I have a very good sex-life but we have been through periods of sexual famine that sometime lasted for months/years. Most of it was during pregnancy, postpartum, nursing and when the kids were little. My DH's libido has remained more or less constant, it was me that was going through variability in my libido, especially when I was in my 30s.

A lot of this was hormonal and other physical/psychological changes I was going through. I recommend making communication, medical checkups and couple's therapy a priority. Sex is not everything in a marriage, but it is a bonding mechanism for a strong marriage that enables you to weather the storms of life better. Eventually, a strong marriage and sexual bond between parents help the children as well.

YEARS? For real? You wouldnt throw him a bone once every two weeks? Did he stay faithful?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a DW, married for a long time. DH and I have a very good sex-life but we have been through periods of sexual famine that sometime lasted for months/years. Most of it was during pregnancy, postpartum, nursing and when the kids were little. My DH's libido has remained more or less constant, it was me that was going through variability in my libido, especially when I was in my 30s.

A lot of this was hormonal and other physical/psychological changes I was going through. I recommend making communication, medical checkups and couple's therapy a priority. Sex is not everything in a marriage, but it is a bonding mechanism for a strong marriage that enables you to weather the storms of life better. Eventually, a strong marriage and sexual bond between parents help the children as well.

Well, this was a reasonable observation and recommendation. What are you doing around this thread? Reasonableness isn't exactly favored around here.

Different PP here. But in her situation, she does say that the famine periods were around pregnancy, postpartum, and nursing. Those are periods when there are huge hormonal changes happening, so I would actually call that a medical/health related issue.

That is the key. If OP's wife just had a baby, then I think everyone would be like, well, yeah. But there are so many of these sexless marriage threads where the kids are school age or nearly school age. So I'm not sure that is the same situation was what PP is suggesting.

Anonymous wrote:I am a DW, married for a long time. DH and I have a very good sex-life but we have been through periods of sexual famine that sometime lasted for months/years. Most of it was during pregnancy, postpartum, nursing and when the kids were little. My DH's libido has remained more or less constant, it was me that was going through variability in my libido, especially when I was in my 30s.

A lot of this was hormonal and other physical/psychological changes I was going through. I recommend making communication, medical checkups and couple's therapy a priority. Sex is not everything in a marriage, but it is a bonding mechanism for a strong marriage that enables you to weather the storms of life better. Eventually, a strong marriage and sexual bond between parents help the children as well.

Well, this was a reasonable observation and recommendation. What are you doing around this thread? Reasonableness isn't exactly favored around here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are an idiot. There is no hard wiring for women to seek out variety more than there is for men to seek variety. The case can actually be made for the opposite more.

Yes, men are hardwired to seek variety. But (... and here is the key difference...) an H will also seek sex with his W!
The point is men actively seek sex sex with a willing partner, even if that happens to be his W.

Married women just don't actively seek sex very often for any reason, especially with her H. One of her few sexual motivators is variety.

I disagree with this. It is a myth, maybe even a self-fulfilling prophecy (part of sexual repression of women is to constantly push the notions -- over centuries -- that "normal" women aren't that into sex and "normal" women don't actively seek it out, so women repress that aspect of themselves).