Okay the responses are way too much read. OP, I think you should tell your son that he is hurting your feelings and see how he responds. Presumably, he will say something "well, it's true..." - to which you respond that you disagree and regardless why would he want to be so hurtful toward you. If you want to add snark, you can remark that he clearly has a lot to learn in the empathy department. I would also have your husband have a stern discussion with him about disrespecting you. Sorry you're going through this.

Anonymous wrote:This is OP: I would be proud if he was a nurse.

Good grief, set your sights for him higher.

Quit thinking about how to stomp on his self-esteem just because your ego is bruised.

This is OP: I would be proud if he was a nurse. Or anything else.

True fact is that I wouldn't encourage anyone into a health care field. Especially nursing. It's a thankless job most of the time.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I have to say something here. My tween announced rudely at dinner the other day that I was lazy. Mind you I work FT and put a meal from scratch on the table each and every night. I shot him a look of such utter disgust and said one pharase calmly "What did you just say" that he cried right at the dinner table practically instantly. Even my DH who is a hot head was completely silent.

I shocked the shit out of myself that I was able to muster up such a glare. He knew instantly that he was up shits creek.

You are my hero. That's the spirit. Children need to have a healthy fear of their parents.

+1

Yup - we are not 'friends'.
After age 25 maybe. Before that I'm mom.

Couldn't agree more about parents being parents. Heck, my 4.5 year old gets the "what did you say?" when she complains about dinner, and then we explain that it's rude. I don't want my kids to fear me, necessarily (not in a way that shuts them down or makes them feel unsafe), but they're damn well going to learn from a young age to treat *everyone* with respect and kindness, and that starts at home.

Your kid is 4.5. You are truly clueless.

NP here. Some of you are a joke. My kids listened to everything when the were little. Wait until they are 16. God, you sound stupid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say something here. My tween announced rudely at dinner the other day that I was lazy. Mind you I work FT and put a meal from scratch on the table each and every night. I shot him a look of such utter disgust and said one pharase calmly "What did you just say" that he cried right at the dinner table practically instantly. Even my DH who is a hot head was completely silent.

I shocked the shit out of myself that I was able to muster up such a glare. He knew instantly that he was up shits creek.

You are my hero. That's the spirit. Children need to have a healthy fear of their parents.

+1

Fear... um... NO. Respect yes. Fear is the lazy way to go about it, it shows you have already lost respect and it is an act of desperation.

The "fear" we are referring to is not fear of danger, but rather the fear of getting into trouble - like "oh crap, mom's gonna be really mad at me if I do this". I want my kids to fear going to jail so much so that they won't ever do something so stupid that they end up in jail - that kind of fear.

That may be what you are referring to but, from the posts, I have no doubt you're in the minority.

Sometimes that kind of fear is good, too. Maybe if OP's DS was given a good spanking when he was younger, he wouldn't have to turned out to be such a disrespectful little sh1t. And believe it or not, most kids who are spanked a few times in their lives don't have mortal fear of their parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say something here. My tween announced rudely at dinner the other day that I was lazy. Mind you I work FT and put a meal from scratch on the table each and every night. I shot him a look of such utter disgust and said one pharase calmly "What did you just say" that he cried right at the dinner table practically instantly. Even my DH who is a hot head was completely silent.

I shocked the shit out of myself that I was able to muster up such a glare. He knew instantly that he was up shits creek.

You are my hero. That's the spirit. Children need to have a healthy fear of their parents.

+1

Fear... um... NO. Respect yes. Fear is the lazy way to go about it, it shows you have already lost respect and it is an act of desperation.

The "fear" we are referring to is not fear of danger, but rather the fear of getting into trouble - like "oh crap, mom's gonna be really mad at me if I do this". I want my kids to fear going to jail so much so that they won't ever do something so stupid that they end up in jail - that kind of fear.

I'm the poster who gave "the look" I'd actually say my kid felt shame for having said something so insensitive. And I do think that kind of shame he felt was warranted. I think he realized that second that what he said was very rude and insensitive of him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say something here. My tween announced rudely at dinner the other day that I was lazy. Mind you I work FT and put a meal from scratch on the table each and every night. I shot him a look of such utter disgust and said one pharase calmly "What did you just say" that he cried right at the dinner table practically instantly. Even my DH who is a hot head was completely silent.

I shocked the shit out of myself that I was able to muster up such a glare. He knew instantly that he was up shits creek.

You are my hero. That's the spirit. Children need to have a healthy fear of their parents.

+1

Fear... um... NO. Respect yes. Fear is the lazy way to go about it, it shows you have already lost respect and it is an act of desperation.

The "fear" we are referring to is not fear of danger, but rather the fear of getting into trouble - like "oh crap, mom's gonna be really mad at me if I do this". I want my kids to fear going to jail so much so that they won't ever do something so stupid that they end up in jail - that kind of fear.

That may be what you are referring to but, from the posts, I have no doubt you're in the minority.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say something here. My tween announced rudely at dinner the other day that I was lazy. Mind you I work FT and put a meal from scratch on the table each and every night. I shot him a look of such utter disgust and said one pharase calmly "What did you just say" that he cried right at the dinner table practically instantly. Even my DH who is a hot head was completely silent.

I shocked the shit out of myself that I was able to muster up such a glare. He knew instantly that he was up shits creek.

You are my hero. That's the spirit. Children need to have a healthy fear of their parents.

+1

Fear... um... NO. Respect yes. Fear is the lazy way to go about it, it shows you have already lost respect and it is an act of desperation.

The "fear" we are referring to is not fear of danger, but rather the fear of getting into trouble - like "oh crap, mom's gonna be really mad at me if I do this". I want my kids to fear going to jail so much so that they won't ever do something so stupid that they end up in jail - that kind of fear.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Instead of cajoling him to get better grades - how about you say, "Larlo, you need to achieve a GPA of 3.5 (or whatever is attainable at this point) to remain at your school. If you do not, you will be going to the local public in the fall" Then leave it alone unless he asks you for help. Do not budge. Do not change your mind.

And when he baits you with his bullshit comments -- just ignore him and leave the room. There is no reason to give anything he says (in that vein) one iota of attention.

Discussing grades or dictating a certain gpa is a sure way to make the kid fail out.
They're growing up - they have to have the idea that what they are achieving is because of their efforts, not mommy and daddy's.
Leave the kid be to figure it out.
Your job is to set limits with his behavior but not his grades and what he studies - stay out of that or you are going to cripple the kid.

You cannot be serious. Unless the kid is going to private school for a special need, that is a privilege that you earn. The idea that a child is expected to perform to the best of their ability will make them fail out is ludicrous.

No, I'm serious. We say absolutely nothing about grades or DC's classes. If she wants to discuss it then yes. We send DC to the private school not do DC can be a 'super student' but so DC can learn values and things like empathy for others. We like the extra activities there for DC - theatre, volunteer projects, sports, arts, etc.

DC has some pretty great teachers there and is pretty inspired to learn. No pushing is needed.
If / when DC gets an 'off' grade we don't make a big deal of it.

DC is well on the way to independence and directing his/her own life. Isn't that the point?

If my kid was flunking out I'd reevaluate but really people send kids to private school for more nurturing I think. You won't get that at the public school.

Did you read about the guy that founded under armor? Plenty of stuff about his turbulent teenaged years.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/under-armour-founder-gives-16-million-to-st-johns-college-high/2015/11/06/7adc7724-84bf-11e5-9afb-0c971f713d0c_story.html

I can understand your approach with your kid - but OP has described her kid as lazy with mediocre grades. Continuing on this path, he won't be independent and will be sponging off mom and dad forever. I don't think her insistence on some level of achievable performance is going to cause him to fail out or ruin his precious self-esteem. Frankly, the kid sounds like he's being an asshole.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say something here. My tween announced rudely at dinner the other day that I was lazy. Mind you I work FT and put a meal from scratch on the table each and every night. I shot him a look of such utter disgust and said one pharase calmly "What did you just say" that he cried right at the dinner table practically instantly. Even my DH who is a hot head was completely silent.

I shocked the shit out of myself that I was able to muster up such a glare. He knew instantly that he was up shits creek.

You are my hero. That's the spirit. Children need to have a healthy fear of their parents.

+1

Fear... um... NO. Respect yes. Fear is the lazy way to go about it, it shows you have already lost respect and it is an act of desperation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say something here. My tween announced rudely at dinner the other day that I was lazy. Mind you I work FT and put a meal from scratch on the table each and every night. I shot him a look of such utter disgust and said one pharase calmly "What did you just say" that he cried right at the dinner table practically instantly. Even my DH who is a hot head was completely silent.

I shocked the shit out of myself that I was able to muster up such a glare. He knew instantly that he was up shits creek.

You are my hero. That's the spirit. Children need to have a healthy fear of their parents.

+1

Yup - we are not 'friends'.
After age 25 maybe. Before that I'm mom.

Couldn't agree more about parents being parents. Heck, my 4.5 year old gets the "what did you say?" when she complains about dinner, and then we explain that it's rude. I don't want my kids to fear me, necessarily (not in a way that shuts them down or makes them feel unsafe), but they're damn well going to learn from a young age to treat *everyone* with respect and kindness, and that starts at home.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:As another poster said, you've likely had a hand in creating your brat. I'm guessing all his life he's been told how gifted he was, how special, etc. My mom did that to me and I was a complete bitch until my soph year in college when I matured. Congrats OP

I never ever told him the above things.
EVER

What is the benefit of being gifted if you don't accomplish things? He wonders why I am not satisfied with average marks he gets. He actually tells me I shouldn't raise my expectations of him because he is gifted.

He's not gifted. High IQ really means very little in the real world.
Gifted is as gifted does. That's why FCPS has an advanced academic program. IQ score alone won't get you in, nor should it.

He is actually gifted according to the IQ testing.

deemed "gifted" by whom? All I see here is a high IQ -- which isn't translating into academic performance

Psychologist.
He was in a gifted program until this year.

Im a 30-something year old woman. I have an IQ of 151. I was in the FFx Cty gifted and talented program in elementary/middle school. I have a high IQ but that's it. I'm not gifted in anything other than laziness. And being a quick reader. Seriously, I skated through high school, skated through college, skated through grad school. Didn't get into my top choice colleges because of said skating through high school. I took an "easy" liberal arts major in college, a college that is not looked up on highly on this board. My career is meh at best because Im not motivated. With my IQ, I should be a doctor or cancer researcher or something, right? But I am not. Because high IQ doesnt count for much at the end of the day.

I have a shit ton of student loan debt, because I took out a ton of loans for college/grad school/to subsidize my living while in college/grad school. Now my family is paying, and will continue to pay for many more years. My parents told me not to do it, not to go to private school, not to take out the loans. I didn't listen because I am soooo smart.

I am a really shitty budgeter. Luckily my husband is good with money. Im so smart, I should be able to balance a checkbook and not have terrible credit, right?

I am also overweight. I'm smart enough to know i need to eat less food and exercise more, but I am lazy.

I have a good life and a great family, don't get me wrong. Love my husband, love my kids, love our life. But OP, trust me. Your son needs to realize that success in life has NOTHING to do with his IQ. If that was the case, I'd be way more successful than I am.

Anonymous wrote:It also reminds me of when I was teaching computers to GED teenagers and one boy started going off about what a waste of time school was and how he made more money than me - selling drugs, of course - he was unemployed in legitimate work and without a HS diploma. He was obviously feeling bad about himself and trying, somewhat successfully, to make me feel bad about my choices, after all, he was really making more money than me. But looking back, he was not happy and was just lashing out - he was a teenager after all - but, unfortunately did not have a supportive family who cared about him - I am not sure how his life turned out.

This is PP from page 5 that suggested How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen & Listen So Your Kids Will Talk. The book is attempting to help parents skip over the surface of what the teen is saying (you made bad choices, you don't deserve my respect) and get them to articulate their underlying message (I'm scared about my options for the future, and of failure). The book suggests all sorts of corny and contrived responses for the parents. Until you try them on your kid, the responses will seem ridiculous. But they often work.

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Anonymous wrote:OP - he is not question your profession. He is testing your place in your household.

This is the only comment I have read so far that matters.

OP, what is your place in the household?

What do you mean by my "place in the household"?

Teen thinks he's in charge of the household. You need to be in charge.
Makes a big difference.