Anonymous wrote:I felt uneasy about my husband being friends with a woman. He assured me they were just friends. Then I found out he was sticking his dick in her. They actually stayed the night together at hotels when traveling. He's lucky I am still with him, which he knows. Going forward I won't tolerate female friends. If he wants to have female friends he needs to divorce me and be single.

This is so sad! it has nothing to do with luck, just own the fact that you stayed with a cheater.

I doubt he's fucking or even trying to fuck them if they babysit for you. He is probably enjoying the ego boost, but this is definitely inappropriate and unseemly to observers, even if the girls themselves aren't creeped out. Frank the Tank from Old School is not whom a new dad wants to emulate

8:55 again ... my apologies to men ... there are plenty of cheater women out there too. I just referred to men in this comment because the OP is female. All cheaters s#ck regardless of gender.

Good luck, OP. Men who are caught and confronted are often very remorseful and repentant ... they will say all the right things, head off to counseling, and so on. They are probably sincere in that moment. The underlying problem is that a person should not require confrontation and counseling to remember how to appropriately treat the person they love. They should treat you right because that is just who they are. Some people can change but most do not. I sincerely hope you have one of the few shiny unicorns that will actually change, but be aware that you might just have a goat with a plastic horn taped to its forehead.

Anonymous wrote:op it's interesting what you say about him clinging to the 20s lifestyle vs being a 30 year old married man with kids. I've dealt with the same thing but think my husband finally grew up. I'm glad because his behavior was rather unattractive. He was still getting drunk and passing out on the living room floor at 35. Stuff like that would happen frequently. It coincided with his affair. He seemed just lost. He had no idea what he wanted in life and would frequently throw out ideas about moving to California, grad school, different job - all in the same week. It was plain exhausting.

I had this also and thought I was the only one. We didn't make it. I feel damaged even 10 years later. It does not make me feel better knowing I am not the only person who had to deal with a husband like this - it does make me feel better knowing that others worked it out. Hope the op does.

PP, how long has it been since your found out about your DH's affair? and how long did it go on?

OP, I wish you all the best and send you lots of support in drawing the boundaries that you deserve to draw.

I am trying to rebuild a marriage after DH had an affair with a coworker, shortly after we became parents and as a result of his struggle with the realities of being a grown up and a parent (coupled with some mental health and substance issues). It is not exactly the same situation as yours, but there was plenty of similar behavior. I would question their time together, especially the going out drinking that he saw as a normal part of his professional life and that I was consciously excluded from, and he would act like I was the crazy one.

Turns out talking and drinking led to kissing led to sex over the course of a few months. He confessed after it became too much. (Unsurprisingly the coworker became more attached than he anticipated, destroying his compartmentalization of the "fun" of the whole thing, and after getting so drunk he didn't come home one night I asked him point blank if he'd slept with her - not the first time I'd asked, but apparently the first time since they'd actually had sex - and he confessed). It has been heartbreaking and devastating in so many ways. I can only hope that, even with our hard work now, our marriage survives.

I share the details of my story because, if you are at an earlier stage and your DH hasn't actually cheated, which I very much wish for you, I hope that your candor, strength, and calmness will prevent your story from developing the way ours did. I knew the behavior was problematic, I knew it was leading us further apart, but I couldn't figure out how to talk about it in a way he could hear. I think going to counseling is going to help you a lot and commend both you and DH for being able to make that happen. My only advice to you is to stay strong in your boundaries, even if the therapist seems to challenge them. It's a lesson I'm learning the hard way now.

Best of luck and know that there are people out there thinking of and supporting you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs to you, OP.

+1 you are loved

OP here. Thank you, that's very kind.

op it's interesting what you say about him clinging to the 20s lifestyle vs being a 30 year old married man with kids. I've dealt with the same thing but think my husband finally grew up. I'm glad because his behavior was rather unattractive. He was still getting drunk and passing out on the living room floor at 35. Stuff like that would happen frequently. It coincided with his affair. He seemed just lost. He had no idea what he wanted in life and would frequently throw out ideas about moving to California, grad school, different job - all in the same week. It was plain exhausting.

I felt uneasy about my husband being friends with a woman. He assured me they were just friends. Then I found out he was sticking his dick in her. They actually stayed the night together at hotels when traveling. He's lucky I am still with him, which he knows. Going forward I won't tolerate female friends. If he wants to have female friends he needs to divorce me and be single.

If he has an older iPhone you can probably see some of the deleted texts. Use spotlight search.

Damn, OP. I'm sorry. You sound like a good person, he sounds like he has issues. Hope counseling helps. I would strongly suggest he go on his own too.

I am glad you have these counseling sessions set up. Because I think you have big issues in our marriage and his behavior is even more inappropriate than you thought. I am sorry, but to admit that he deliberately deleted text messages from "Jen".....This is a real warning sign. He knows he is doing things that would bother you and he is doing them anyway, all while acting like what he is doing is fine and that *you* are the unreasonable one. I'm glad you guys had a productive talk and hope you can continue this in therapy. It's great that you guys are going into therapy again.

Dr. Fone, I think, can recover texts

Anonymous wrote:Hugs to you, OP.

+1 you are loved