Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it repulsive for a parent "to help" on the premise of some sort of repayment. Yuck! Very loser! I like my American values. Mom and dad paid for my private education k-12 and college. I was given a monthly allowance of one thousand and a paid in full credit card -thanks mom and dad! They still send me $ for birthdays and holidays and to my DH and kids, too. They don't expect any repayment. They gave to me much love and much luxury out of generosity, no out of some deal! My kids admin friends tell my kids how great of a mom I am. My kids tell me. There friends know they can tell me anything and I won't pass judgement. I think Asian parents have a lot to learn from American parents.

Pretty sure this is sarcasm.

No, I was being serious.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's repulsive that you can throw out your privileged upbringing compared to some Asian immigrants who came here with nothing, didn't know the language, worked menial jobs, and sacrificed a more comfortable life back home so that their kids could have more opportunities and a better life here in the US. Not all Asians are rich.

I say this as an Asian whose parents never expected any of their kids to take care of them in their old age. They saved for their retirement, live very modestly, and pretty much are self sufficient, but I help when I can, and I'm happy to do so. My parents have told us to put them in retirement homes, that they don't want to be burden on us. That will probably never happen. One of my siblings or I will probably take them in.

Puh-leeze. Many Asian immigrants who come here now are college educated, have well-paying jobs, and bring enough cash to buy houses within a year or two of arrival. No servants though. Back home "everyone has servants" as PP said.
We don't have a large Hmong or Filipino population around here - those folks are really poor, but they do not focus on their offspring becoming doctors or engineers, or going to college at all... the kids get to make their own decisions. They (older generation) quickly realize the availability of social services for the low-income and elderly and rely on those.

I'm Filipino. I own a house, a car and have a college degree. My sister, mother and grandmother and all their Filipino friends do too. Some even own homes here and in the Philippines. Ay nako.

Anonymous wrote:I think it repulsive for a parent "to help" on the premise of some sort of repayment. Yuck! Very loser! I like my American values. Mom and dad paid for my private education k-12 and college. I was given a monthly allowance of one thousand and a paid in full credit card -thanks mom and dad! They still send me $ for birthdays and holidays and to my DH and kids, too. They don't expect any repayment. They gave to me much love and much luxury out of generosity, no out of some deal! My kids admin friends tell my kids how great of a mom I am. My kids tell me. There friends know they can tell me anything and I won't pass judgement. I think Asian parents have a lot to learn from American parents.

Pretty sure this is sarcasm.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's repulsive that you can throw out your privileged upbringing compared to some Asian immigrants who came here with nothing, didn't know the language, worked menial jobs, and sacrificed a more comfortable life back home so that their kids could have more opportunities and a better life here in the US. Not all Asians are rich.

I say this as an Asian whose parents never expected any of their kids to take care of them in their old age. They saved for their retirement, live very modestly, and pretty much are self sufficient, but I help when I can, and I'm happy to do so. My parents have told us to put them in retirement homes, that they don't want to be burden on us. That will probably never happen. One of my siblings or I will probably take them in.

Puh-leeze. Many Asian immigrants who come here now are college educated, have well-paying jobs, and bring enough cash to buy houses within a year or two of arrival. No servants though. Back home "everyone has servants" as PP said.
We don't have a large Hmong or Filipino population around here - those folks are really poor, but they do not focus on their offspring becoming doctors or engineers, or going to college at all... the kids get to make their own decisions. They (older generation) quickly realize the availability of social services for the low-income and elderly and rely on those.

Anonymous wrote:I think it repulsive for a parent "to help" on the premise of some sort of repayment. Yuck! Very loser! I like my American values. Mom and dad paid for my private education k-12 and college. I was given a monthly allowance of one thousand and a paid in full credit card -thanks mom and dad! They still send me $ for birthdays and holidays and to my DH and kids, too. They don't expect any repayment. They gave to me much love and much luxury out of generosity, no out of some deal! My kids admin friends tell my kids how great of a mom I am. My kids tell me. There friends know they can tell me anything and I won't pass judgement. I think Asian parents have a lot to learn from American parents.

I think it's repulsive that you can throw out your privileged upbringing compared to some Asian immigrants who came here with nothing, didn't know the language, worked menial jobs, and sacrificed a more comfortable life back home so that their kids could have more opportunities and a better life here in the US. Not all Asians are rich.

I say this as an Asian whose parents never expected any of their kids to take care of them in their old age. They saved for their retirement, live very modestly, and pretty much are self sufficient, but I help when I can, and I'm happy to do so. My parents have told us to put them in retirement homes, that they don't want to be burden on us. That will probably never happen. One of my siblings or I will probably take them in.

I think it repulsive for a parent "to help" on the premise of some sort of repayment. Yuck! Very loser! I like my American values. Mom and dad paid for my private education k-12 and college. I was given a monthly allowance of one thousand and a paid in full credit card -thanks mom and dad! They still send me $ for birthdays and holidays and to my DH and kids, too. They don't expect any repayment. They gave to me much love and much luxury out of generosity, no out of some deal! My kids admin friends tell my kids how great of a mom I am. My kids tell me. There friends know they can tell me anything and I won't pass judgement. I think Asian parents have a lot to learn from American parents.

I think it also is cultural based on what one's ancestors had to do to survive and what social structure the rulers of a country allowed. In an agrarian society, it was better for all to stay together as farming required the labor. There was no social security, so what better way to assure care in old age than to teach children to care for their elders and have society consider it honorable.

If they lived in the city, it was better to go off individually. The woman who wrote a book on her life as a domestic sevant in London in the early 1900's (on which Downton Abbey is based) wrote that even though both her parents worked, as did many parents in the city, they could barely afford to feed their own children. So, children were sent off as young as their early teens to get jobs as domestic servants in the big houses. That way they at least got a roof over their heads and food to eat every day plus a small salary. Domestic servants got very little time off; maybe half a day a week. When the children were able to visit family, they had to contribute money since the parents just couldn't afford to feed an extra mouth. Lack of money and the long hours required at work kept families apart, so that social structure promoted individualism.

Not to mention that women blame themselves and each other when men cheat on them, and men cheating is tolerated because, well, they're men. More misery to live with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you refer to the 'When Do I stop paying for my parents' divorce?' thread, you'll see that DIVORCE is a big reason that westerners disregard the family. Children of divorce learn that 'family' is temporary and not worth the effort of keeping intact.

...whereas Asians stay with an abusive spouse and and die inside while pretending everything is fine, because OMG what will the people say in the old village?

Not to mention the many honor killings of wayward (read: dares to make own life choices) Asian & Arab women by their own kin, often mothers involved. In Pakistan alone at least 1000 reported annually, 10k worldwide.

With these kinds of family 'peace &love', who needs ugly divorce

Anonymous wrote:If you refer to the 'When Do I stop paying for my parents' divorce?' thread, you'll see that DIVORCE is a big reason that westerners disregard the family. Children of divorce learn that 'family' is temporary and not worth the effort of keeping intact.

...whereas Asians stay with an abusive spouse and and die inside while pretending everything is fine, because OMG what will the people say in the old village?

If you refer to the 'When Do I stop paying for my parents' divorce?' thread, you'll see that DIVORCE is a big reason that westerners disregard the family. Children of divorce learn that 'family' is temporary and not worth the effort of keeping intact.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound very young and naive. I am Indian and actually grew up there.
I used to think the same as you when I lived there but not once I moved here and got to
know American families very well. I'm constantly amazed how much American parents do
for their kids even when working full time. They give up all their free time driving kids to
sports and even taking them on overnight trips for hockey, etc. I don't know any
parents who would do that in India. I find American and Asian families more similar than
different in a lot of ways. The difference here is that it is hard not to do assisted living because
no one can afford full day household help (cook, driver, maid) here. In India everyone has it
so they are able to look after elderly parents at home.

Thank you for sharing your insights and not being yet another person who comes here, sees Western culture in negative stereotypes and bashes us without taking time to get to know a number of people and systems well.

I like you!

Anonymous wrote:I'm a southasian American who, after having lived in the U.S for over 20 years is pretty baffled by the western perspective on extended family. I have seen my friends and colleagues speak at great length about troubled relations with their brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and in laws. Most times, adult siblings only speak to each other occasionally and see each other at Christmas. Adult daughters can't stand their fathers and do not see them unless its an emergency. Siblings cutting each other off etc. Married couples not wanting to have their elderly parents live with them and more.

In the east, we LOVE our families. We live and would die for them. As an adult daughter it is a great privilege and blessing to me that my elderly parents can live with us and that I can take care of them in their old age. I love my siblings and we all live near each other.

Why is it so different in the west?

You are talking in exaggerations. One issue I have seen first hand is in traditional south Asian families if there is sexual abuse or incest it too often gets swept under the rug and the victim is blamed. The family reputation is more important than the members' emotional health. Also, often in those families that have a lot of dysfunction, women especially have all sorts of somatic complaints partly because that is more acceptable than dealing with emotional struggles and risking upsetting the system. I could go on and on. Neither our way nor yours is better or worse overall. It's a case by case thing.

Anonymous wrote:Asian parents help the kids a lot, from love obviously, but they expecting their kids to repay by taking care of them back and this expectation is planted in their kid's head as early as it can be in different way depend on the culture. It is not so obvious but it is there. Also Asian kids are not really allowed to speak their mind 100% because it may not sound respectful. Sometime I think it is emotional abuse or very controlling in Asian families.

While the western or North America's parents help their kids the same way WITHOUT the expecting their kids to repay them. They teach the kids to be dependent and speak their mind. The truth sometimes hurts and drives people away from each other. Because they are so independent that they don't need to come back.

Neither sides are perfect. Asian kids may be very resentful and Western's kid may be careless.

It is just my opinion.

that was my experience. Extended families lived together. Grandparents took care of kids. Grandparents were taken care of financially by the kids and grandkids. It works great for most people, and I personally have no issues with it.

The dark side of this though is that elders are respected/obeyed to the point that many of them are abusive. Obviously this shit isn't tolerated in the West, and I'm okay with that.

Western cultures expect the elderly to take care of themselves. Or maybe they're just more independent anyway, I can't tell.

PP 10:16, you're completely missing the point about the other baggage involved. Go back and read.