Anonymous
Post 06/29/2015 21:36     Subject: Vacation drama with mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: (My mom gained less than 25 lbs and I was a 7 lb baby)



Are you Asian? Otherwise you must be pretty old; that's no longer considered healthy except for women of a small build.


Not that it matters, but OP's post screams - Overbearing Jewish mother and her very sensitive Jewish American Princess to me! These are New Yorkers who are on a beach vacation on the Jersey shore.

Tell me I am right, OP.



Nope. Old money southern mother who can't stand her daughter married a Yankee and kept working. Sorry. Beach house is in Georgia.


So don't ever go to the beach house or vacation with your mom. Sure this isn't the first time your mom has made comments about your eating.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2015 21:27     Subject: Vacation drama with mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
My mother just called me fat over the phone this morning. She was recalling when I visited her a month ago and weighed 115 lbs for 5 ft 4. As usual. Every time I let her know she's rude, but she does it again a few months later. She's narcissistic and never going to change, which doesn't mean she doesn't love me *in her own way*.

OP, if this is normal behavior for your mother, then you need a long-term strategy. Words don't matter as much as grabbing something from someone. Both hurt, of course, but you can tune one out and not the other.

I would stay and brazen it out, because that's what a lifetime of dealing with an abusive mother has taught me. Why should you be the one to leave and missing out on your beach vacation and extended family time when she's the rude one? If she's the narcissistic type to hound you in private and less in public, make sure you seek the protection of the group. Eat those waffles in front of her with everybody there. Go out and get more, so she can't accuse you and depriving others. My mother is capable of accusing me of ANYTHING, even the most irrational stuff - like fiddling with her fridge settings to make her zucchini rot, which she later said had been in her fridge for two weeks...

You and I know that when we accept invitations and presents from our mothers, it comes with strings attached - the pleasure they get from controlling and hurting their adult child. So if it rolls off your back and you keep doing what you were planning on doing anyway... it's a win for you!










OP and PP I feel your pain. Last week my mother was just in town to "help" with other kids while we have a DC that is in and out of the hospital and is going through a major health crisis that is touch and go.

I say "help" because she really is more work than help and when she does "help" it's always with a demeaning comment targeted at my husband or myself for some failure that is beyond our control. FWIW, DH and I are both overachievers with multiple degrees, careers, great kids .. we aren't slackers by any standard.

On her last night in town she looked at me and said that I wasn't aging well and really needed to start using a better moisturizer. I gave her the "WTF did you just say to me look" and she responded that she was actually being kind to me because she was informing me of how awful my skin looked. She could think of nothing that would be kinder to say. I. Was. Speechless.


Are you more educated with a better career than your mother? Because I am, and mu counselor has suggested that's why our relationship has gotten worse over the years.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2015 21:25     Subject: Vacation drama with mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: (My mom gained less than 25 lbs and I was a 7 lb baby)



Are you Asian? Otherwise you must be pretty old; that's no longer considered healthy except for women of a small build.


Not that it matters, but OP's post screams - Overbearing Jewish mother and her very sensitive Jewish American Princess to me! These are New Yorkers who are on a beach vacation on the Jersey shore.

Tell me I am right, OP.



Nope. Old money southern mother who can't stand her daughter married a Yankee and kept working. Sorry. Beach house is in Georgia.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2015 21:24     Subject: Vacation drama with mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: (My mom gained less than 25 lbs and I was a 7 lb baby)



Are you Asian? Otherwise you must be pretty old; that's no longer considered healthy except for women of a small build.


Actually, you are wrong pp. I was told to gain no more than 25 lbs when pregnant four years ago. Standards have changed. And no, I was not overweight to start. I was size 4.


I have a small build, only 5', normal weight size 0 and I was told to not gain more than 20. Gained 18 and had a 7.5 lb baby. Lost all the weight except for 2 lbs within 6 wks of giving birth. Gaining too much weight during pregnancy increases rate of gestational diabetes and/or preeclampsia.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2015 21:05     Subject: Vacation drama with mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: (My mom gained less than 25 lbs and I was a 7 lb baby)



Are you Asian? Otherwise you must be pretty old; that's no longer considered healthy except for women of a small build.


Not that it matters, but OP's post screams - Overbearing Jewish mother and her very sensitive Jewish American Princess to me! These are New Yorkers who are on a beach vacation on the Jersey shore.

Tell me I am right, OP.

Anonymous
Post 06/29/2015 20:46     Subject: Vacation drama with mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
My mother just called me fat over the phone this morning. She was recalling when I visited her a month ago and weighed 115 lbs for 5 ft 4. As usual. Every time I let her know she's rude, but she does it again a few months later. She's narcissistic and never going to change, which doesn't mean she doesn't love me *in her own way*.

OP, if this is normal behavior for your mother, then you need a long-term strategy. Words don't matter as much as grabbing something from someone. Both hurt, of course, but you can tune one out and not the other.

I would stay and brazen it out, because that's what a lifetime of dealing with an abusive mother has taught me. Why should you be the one to leave and missing out on your beach vacation and extended family time when she's the rude one? If she's the narcissistic type to hound you in private and less in public, make sure you seek the protection of the group. Eat those waffles in front of her with everybody there. Go out and get more, so she can't accuse you and depriving others. My mother is capable of accusing me of ANYTHING, even the most irrational stuff - like fiddling with her fridge settings to make her zucchini rot, which she later said had been in her fridge for two weeks...

You and I know that when we accept invitations and presents from our mothers, it comes with strings attached - the pleasure they get from controlling and hurting their adult child. So if it rolls off your back and you keep doing what you were planning on doing anyway... it's a win for you!










OP and PP I feel your pain. Last week my mother was just in town to "help" with other kids while we have a DC that is in and out of the hospital and is going through a major health crisis that is touch and go.

I say "help" because she really is more work than help and when she does "help" it's always with a demeaning comment targeted at my husband or myself for some failure that is beyond our control. FWIW, DH and I are both overachievers with multiple degrees, careers, great kids .. we aren't slackers by any standard.

On her last night in town she looked at me and said that I wasn't aging well and really needed to start using a better moisturizer. I gave her the "WTF did you just say to me look" and she responded that she was actually being kind to me because she was informing me of how awful my skin looked. She could think of nothing that would be kinder to say. I. Was. Speechless.


Wow, that is really awful. It would be rude and annoying during good times but to cut you down when your child is in the hospital? There are no words...I'm sorry.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2015 20:41     Subject: Vacation drama with mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What she said wasn't ok. The fact that you said nothing means that this is probably your normal dynamic with her.is this normally the topic? Your weight?

Having said that I would never have served myself three frozen waffles in a group living setting where there are other mouths to feed, especially frozen waffles which I also consider to be last minute kids food. It sucks even more that your husband was out running at the time as you were gorging on these waffles in your mother's eyes. i'm sure the contrast was not lost on your mother.

Id think carefully before doing this trip again. I can't think of much worse than a trip like this other than actually having to wear my bathing suit in front of my mother on the beach.


It sounds like you have your own issues with your weight and your mother. Get your own thread.


What a weird and mean thing to say. I had a wonderful mother who is since deceased and perhaps this is why I can see there are boundaries issues with what the mother-daughter relationship is in the situation. I what a weird and mean thing to say. I had a wonderful mother who is since deceased and perhaps this is why I can see there are boundaries issues with what the mother-daughter relationship is in the situation. I don't know what I wrote that was misconstrued in my response. My comment about "my mother seeing me on the beach" was really meant to say your mother if I were you and the situation. My mother saw me on the beach many times in all states of health including pregnancy and never would've said these things to me.



Not the pp you responded to, but your post was pretty mean and weird too. I don't think the pp's comment about your issues was out of line at all. I thought it was a perfect response to your pp.


??? I'm sorry to the OP if my comments in anyway offended her. I'm just going to quote another poster here because what she said exactly encapsulates how I feel and what I thought I had written. Peace out.

"Your mom was way out of line although it sounds as though she may have been feeling the stress of having a houseful of people. She may have been counting on making those waffles for the kids and was annoyed that you, as a grown up, didn't read her mind. There seems to be a lot of assuming going on - you assumed that the food was fair game, your mom assumed that you would not eat up all the kiddie food. Regardless, she really stepped over the line with her comments. I think I would go to the grocery store and keep a private stash of easy snacks in my room and make it a point to go out (or order in) for my hot meals. Or you can book a hotel room for yourself and just get out of that house. Or you can just leave."
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2015 20:29     Subject: Vacation drama with mother
Your mom was way out of line although it sounds as though she may have been feeling the stress of having a houseful of people. She may have been counting on making those waffles for the kids and was annoyed that you, as a grown up, didn't read her mind. There seems to be a lot of assuming going on - you assumed that the food was fair game, your mom assumed that you would not eat up all the kiddie food. Regardless, she really stepped over the line with her comments. I think I would go to the grocery store and keep a private stash of easy snacks in my room and make it a point to go out (or order in) for my hot meals. Or you can book a hotel room for yourself and just get out of that house. Or you can just leave.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2015 20:07     Subject: Re:Vacation drama with mother
On her last night in town she looked at me and said that I wasn't aging well and really needed to start using a better moisturizer. I gave her the "WTF did you just say to me look" and she responded that she was actually being kind to me because she was informing me of how awful my skin looked. She could think of nothing that would be kinder to say. I. Was. Speechless.


She'd be great friends with the PP who believes there's nothing wrong with telling people they're fat, that fat people should be told they're fat.

Anonymous
Post 06/29/2015 19:50     Subject: Vacation drama with mother
Anonymous wrote:
My mother just called me fat over the phone this morning. She was recalling when I visited her a month ago and weighed 115 lbs for 5 ft 4. As usual. Every time I let her know she's rude, but she does it again a few months later. She's narcissistic and never going to change, which doesn't mean she doesn't love me *in her own way*.

OP, if this is normal behavior for your mother, then you need a long-term strategy. Words don't matter as much as grabbing something from someone. Both hurt, of course, but you can tune one out and not the other.

I would stay and brazen it out, because that's what a lifetime of dealing with an abusive mother has taught me. Why should you be the one to leave and missing out on your beach vacation and extended family time when she's the rude one? If she's the narcissistic type to hound you in private and less in public, make sure you seek the protection of the group. Eat those waffles in front of her with everybody there. Go out and get more, so she can't accuse you and depriving others. My mother is capable of accusing me of ANYTHING, even the most irrational stuff - like fiddling with her fridge settings to make her zucchini rot, which she later said had been in her fridge for two weeks...

You and I know that when we accept invitations and presents from our mothers, it comes with strings attached - the pleasure they get from controlling and hurting their adult child. So if it rolls off your back and you keep doing what you were planning on doing anyway... it's a win for you!










OP and PP I feel your pain. Last week my mother was just in town to "help" with other kids while we have a DC that is in and out of the hospital and is going through a major health crisis that is touch and go.

I say "help" because she really is more work than help and when she does "help" it's always with a demeaning comment targeted at my husband or myself for some failure that is beyond our control. FWIW, DH and I are both overachievers with multiple degrees, careers, great kids .. we aren't slackers by any standard.

On her last night in town she looked at me and said that I wasn't aging well and really needed to start using a better moisturizer. I gave her the "WTF did you just say to me look" and she responded that she was actually being kind to me because she was informing me of how awful my skin looked. She could think of nothing that would be kinder to say. I. Was. Speechless.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2015 19:36     Subject: Vacation drama with mother
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My mother is toxic and has been for years. Some days she is more human than others. So no, this isn't a case of me overreacting, it was more of the last straw this week.

We never stormed out. We left calmly And, the fact she knew it was about the previous morning proves she knows she was hateful and expects me to just put up with it.

And again. 240 calories, people. My husband was running with the car keys or I'd have had other options, but we were nearing the end and groceries were scarce (I'd have preferred eggs myself).


Good luck, Op. You have to do what is best for you going forward. Those of us who are around toxic parents/in-laws understood from your posts that it wasn't about the waffles, it was about your relationship with your mom. My MIL is also toxic and it has been painful to watch my DH and she interact over the past 20 years. My DH cut off all communication from her for a few years and she still doesn't understand why (she is the perfect mother in her mind). We now live halfway across the country so the limited communication works for him. My children, however, see right through her and want very little to do with her when we visit our hometown. They see how she treats their father (favors their aunt) and really don't want to spend a lot of time with her. It's her loss and it will be your mom's as well.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2015 19:21     Subject: Vacation drama with mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What she said wasn't ok. The fact that you said nothing means that this is probably your normal dynamic with her.is this normally the topic? Your weight?

Having said that I would never have served myself three frozen waffles in a group living setting where there are other mouths to feed, especially frozen waffles which I also consider to be last minute kids food. It sucks even more that your husband was out running at the time as you were gorging on these waffles in your mother's eyes. i'm sure the contrast was not lost on your mother.

Id think carefully before doing this trip again. I can't think of much worse than a trip like this other than actually having to wear my bathing suit in front of my mother on the beach.


It sounds like you have your own issues with your weight and your mother. Get your own thread.


What a weird and mean thing to say. I had a wonderful mother who is since deceased and perhaps this is why I can see there are boundaries issues with what the mother-daughter relationship is in the situation. I what a weird and mean thing to say. I had a wonderful mother who is since deceased and perhaps this is why I can see there are boundaries issues with what the mother-daughter relationship is in the situation. I don't know what I wrote that was misconstrued in my response. My comment about "my mother seeing me on the beach" was really meant to say your mother if I were you and the situation. My mother saw me on the beach many times in all states of health including pregnancy and never would've said these things to me.



Not the pp you responded to, but your post was pretty mean and weird too. I don't think the pp's comment about your issues was out of line at all. I thought it was a perfect response to your pp.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2015 19:05     Subject: Vacation drama with mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What she said wasn't ok. The fact that you said nothing means that this is probably your normal dynamic with her.is this normally the topic? Your weight?

Having said that I would never have served myself three frozen waffles in a group living setting where there are other mouths to feed, especially frozen waffles which I also consider to be last minute kids food. It sucks even more that your husband was out running at the time as you were gorging on these waffles in your mother's eyes. i'm sure the contrast was not lost on your mother.

Id think carefully before doing this trip again. I can't think of much worse than a trip like this other than actually having to wear my bathing suit in front of my mother on the beach.


It sounds like you have your own issues with your weight and your mother. Get your own thread.


What a weird and mean thing to say. I had a wonderful mother who is since deceased and perhaps this is why I can see there are boundaries issues with what the mother-daughter relationship is in the situation. I what a weird and mean thing to say. I had a wonderful mother who is since deceased and perhaps this is why I can see there are boundaries issues with what the mother-daughter relationship is in the situation. I don't know what I wrote that was misconstrued in my response. My comment about "my mother seeing me on the beach" was really meant to say your mother if I were you and the situation. My mother saw me on the beach many times in all states of health including pregnancy and never would've said these things to me.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2015 18:23     Subject: Re:Vacation drama with mother
Am I the only one who is floored by the fact that OP's mother took 2 out of 3 waffles and "allowed" OP to keep one of the waffles after telling OP that the waffles were for the kids? That single detail says it all to me. OP's mom is a crazy bitch. A horrible person. And OP, big hugs.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2015 17:33     Subject: Vacation drama with mother
OP, good for you. We haven't been on a family vacation like that in 9 years with my DH's side and 13 years with my side.

My SIL had a full blown panic attack on the last day of a "vacation". She thought it was a heart attack, but it was just the result of a week with her mother and other family.

The last one with my extended family, we packed up and left with our 2 kids on day 5 of a week. We went somewhere else and spent the days at a pool and having fun. No big scene and no regrets! Years later, my sister said her DH asked if they could leave too - LOL!!

Not all families are meant to be close.