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Anonymous wrote:I have an 87-year old mother in fragile health and I would definitely ask her. I'd rather hear the truth from her than second-hand from a cousin. The older generation is tougher than you think.

She is 87, in frail health and you would ask her about something that could push her over the edge?

OP, let it go. Some deep, dark family secrets are buried and they do not need to be exhumed, particularly just to satisfy your curiosity.

Anonymous wrote:I have an 87-year old mother in fragile health and I would definitely ask her. I'd rather hear the truth from her than second-hand from a cousin. The older generation is tougher than you think.

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Anonymous wrote:Why don't you tell us what this dark family secret is??? It's an anonymous board!

I think OP doesn't know what it is, only that it is bad. OP wants to ask mom.

No, I actually know. As noted, my grandmother told my cousin in detail and my cousin told me.

I know it's an anonymous board, but I still don't want to post it here! It's still upsetting to me to think that something like this could involve such a close blood relative. Suffice it to say that it was a crime -- could have possibly been a guilt-by-association thing -- but still, in my mind at least, really bad.

And to the PP who mentioned to be prepared for the lionizing of a revered relative, that is part of what I'm afraid of if I do bring this up with my mother. I'm really afraid she will say something like "yes, it's true, BUT" and of course in my mind, there are no "buts." I'm afraid it will even make me think a little less of her, to be truthful, because she doesn't condemn it in the way that I do.

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Anonymous wrote:I don't get how and why some people here think the secret keepers are somehow more moral and kind in keeping their secrets. I don't get why the people who want to know more and to ask more questions about their own families are considered nosy or immoral. It's opposite sides of the coin, but really no different. You are protecting by not asking and they are protecting by not telling.

Not an evil act but my own 96 yr old grandmother will not discuss what we now know to be true, that we have mixed blood. We are white and look it, but it took a natgeo DNA test to confirm we have mixed blood as well. It is not ancient history. In this day and age she could disclose without repercussion yet will not.

We aren't jerks for asking and she's not a jerk for denying. That's life. Just ask.

Because there are some things for which no one has an absolute right to know about others--even family members who are long dead.

You're makng the secrets more sacred than they need to be. If you want to destroy your history to the extent you can (journals, photos, letters) but you haveno right to expect others to sit on the truth to uphold a false reputation.

Why do you think people are simply concerned with "reputation?" I think that everyone is entitled to privacy and that includes older and even deceased family members. I posted earlier about some elements of my life/childhood that impact no one else except my siblings which are not immoral, illegal or unethical but which were bone crushingly painful to deal with. We have dealt, moved on and feel no need to share the information with anyone else. To do so would open up old wounds and no one is served by this knowledge. Why am I not entitled to my privacy? Do my children and future generations have an absolute right to dig into something that doesn't effect them? I don't believe so and would resent like hell anyone who tried to dig up something that doesn't consern tem. iIt is insensitive, selfish and immature that someone's mere curiosity trumps my wishes with regard to my life.

Anyone can ask your siblings and it is their decision to tell or not, maybe after you're dead or maybe now with the caveat that they "don't ever tell X that I told you the truth."

Resent away but if you're not the only person involved then why are you calling all the shots? Nope.

Well, we have all decided to put it behind us and my siblings are more invested in this than I am, but thanks so much for being a complete and total ass. I sincerely hope that your never experience anything truly horrific in your life...and that you at some point develop some compassion for the choices others make to deal with adversity.

hmm? Hiding, that's one to handle adversity, I guess.

. Np--chosing to leave the past in the past and keep private matters private is not the same as hiding. You really are a heartless sob. No wonder people chose to guard their privacy with people like you in the world. You are piece of work.