I posted before saying we have the exact situation and how I handled it. DC is totally fine. The kid still talks on and on about the birthday party. DC at this point doesn't care. DC only likes to attend a few birthday parties a year anyway and would rather it be close friends. Even if we got an invite, DC would have wanted to decline. I personally hate attending birthday parties of children who aren't close friends with mine because my heart breaks if anyone even seems a little annoyed with my kid, so I don't care if my kid isn't invited. Just please try to instruct kids not to yap on and on about it if everyone isn't invited.

Np here. As a mother of a child with learning disabilities, I'm very touched by how considerate many of you are and am heartened by your outrage.

My dc is a teen now but we dealt with this situation so many times. The parents at my dc's elementary were the worst and even though his disabilities are mild and he has no behavior problems, the parents had no shame in treating him like he was less than their children and didn't hide the fact that he wasn't included. This included a teacher at the school whose son was in the same class and friends with my dc. Her dc invited all the boys in his class to his birthday party but excluded my dc even though they played together as best friends every school day. The next year her dc was in the same class as my other dc. I have twins. Other dc does not have disabilites. This dc was invited to everything even though he never liked this child. I still hate this woman.

Op - what did you decide?

Yes exactly 13:33. The adults are ultimately responsible for who gets invited to a party and therefore are also responsible for setting an example about how you treat other people, particularly other people who are a little bit different and vulnerable. For my part, I don't think there's anything rude or tacky about reaching out to make sure the exclusion was intentional here. If it makes the birthday parent feel awkward and bad to confirm that they excluded this child and that any perceived verbal invitation was misunderstood or ineffective, then that's how their own conscience wants them to feel and they might learn something important from feeling bad.

But I'll admit that having an HFA first grader makes you a lot more sensitive to how awful the world is, and much more motivated to try and change it.

Anonymous wrote:What's been nagging at me about this thread is that a SN kid needs to learn lots of lessons: how to move and control their bodies, how to communicate effectively, to be kind, to listen, etc. they do not need to learn at 5 or 6 that they will be shunned for being different.

I'm sure they will learn it soon enough though. This whole thread has left me with an ick feeling that I share the planet with some of you.

Right. Kids do need to learn lessons. But it's insane to suggest the brutal life lessons one learns at 15 need to be learned at 3. The developmental stage of the child determines whether something is a constructive learning experience or just a needless scarring. And here we're talking about an SN 6-year-old.

This is a completely fixable thing if the adults just step up. I don't understand the mentality that holds that ultimately it's the adults' call but also that the adults aren't therefore responsible for what their kids do. One comes with the other. If the host family ultimately holds the reins here, then they need to deal with the reality, intended or not, that a child was told by someone in their own family that they were invited to the party. Just saying "tough, you can't come," without explanation, is an inadequate way to handle that responsibility.

Anonymous wrote:This situation reminds me a little of my own childhood at a private school, where we were poor and I was sensitive and socially challenged. Kids made fun of me for my clothes and my awkward behavior. Books became my refuge.

You can see where this is going.

Two kids on the basketball team picked on me all the time for not being a good player and being the geeky weird kid. They teased and excluded me mercilessly. But I was smart, and when I was in high school I got into two exclusive summer programs and my name and picture in the paper and an announcement at morning assembly, and they stopped teasing me and asked me questions about how I had gotten in and (!!!) could I help them? Then I got into an Ivy and they went to state schools, and I won't lie, the schadenfreude of my tormenters was delicious.

Oh you mean mommies and mean girls, you think you are cool now to exclude the kids who are different! Enjoy it while it lasts, because one day our kids will be rejecting your kid's job application or meting out karma in other ways. While you teach your kids about exclusion and pecking order, we're teaching ours about emotional resilience and survival. Hope your time at the top is worth the karma points you're ditching. (Actually I totally don't.)

My God, you need some therapy or help or something. I was mercilessly bullied as well, including sexual assault, so I know from bullying. But I cannot imagine reveling in schadenfreude this many years later, nor going out of my way to wish ill will on children so I can relive that schadenfreude through my own children one more time. Good Lord.

OP, I would think about emailing the mom and say something like, "Hi, I am sorry this is a bit awkward, but my son Larlo has told me that Larla has invited him several times to her birthday party. I understand parties are often limited, and completely understand if he's outside of your party limits, but he is so positive he was invited that I thought I'd check. Please don't worry if that's not the case." I am not sure I'd do that or not myself, but if I did do it, I would go out of my way to give the other mom an out.

I would start with the assumption there is no bad intent, too. I don't ever invite "most" of a class to birthday parties (it's either small or the whole class or all the girls, just too much possibility of hurt feelings otherwise), but I could see innocuous reasons (have to invite all of the girl scout troup, kids who are on same block, etc.). It just seems like jumping to conclusions to automatically assume exclusion or negative intent was behind it, absent other facts.

Anonymous wrote:What's been nagging at me about this thread is that a SN kid needs to learn lots of lessons: how to move and control their bodies, how to communicate effectively, to be kind, to listen, etc. they do not need to learn at 5 or 6 that they will be shunned for being different.

I'm sure they will learn it soon enough though. This whole thread has left me with an ick feeling that I share the planet with some of you.

Regardless of special needs, kids need to learn all those lessons and the younger the better. My child is 5 and special needs and he gets it. Kids need to understand if they do not behave that they will not be invited (or in our case, we will not attend if there is misbehavior) as that is the only way they learn. If everyone is tolerant of it, especially the parents, the kids have no incentive to work on the behaviors and try to fit in. Yes, they will learn it soon enough, but most face enough challenges and I know anything I can do to make it easier on my child, I will, including my parenting so he learns how to behave in public, interact with his friends, etc.

At 5 and 6, kids are aware of how others behave. Since my five year old has delays, for him to be with an adhd or behaviorally challenged child, would be a disaster, as he will copy and think its funny playing along not realizing till someone quickly corrects him, that it isn't ok. We've had this problem often enough we've had to change activity days/times/groups as the children in the class were so ill behaved it was a disaster for mine. It sucks. I love the ideal of inclusion but there are some downfalls for many kids. We recognized early we needed specialized preschool and went to it. My child would have been disruptive in a typical setting up till this year when he transitioned nicely. As a parent, it is our responsibility to make sure our child can function in a setting and get them the supports they need, if they cannot to help them get to that place where they can thrive.

If anything, if a child with a severe behavioral issue attended, I'd probably decline as I know it would be a disaster for my child who is normally well behaved, especially for others. If the child started acting up, mine would copy. I would in no way put the birthday family in that position and risk running their party (though I doubt my kid would be that extreme but I'm not taking that chance). (besides between activities and therapy on top of school there is little time for parties)

What's been nagging at me about this thread is that a SN kid needs to learn lots of lessons: how to move and control their bodies, how to communicate effectively, to be kind, to listen, etc. they do not need to learn at 5 or 6 that they will be shunned for being different.

I'm sure they will learn it soon enough though. This whole thread has left me with an ick feeling that I share the planet with some of you.

OP, this is a crappy thing to be going through. Some parents are terrible. With parties we've had for my son, we've gone over the top to avoid leaving anyone out, yet I know parents who will argue until they are blue in the face about why it was okay to have left out whatever kids were left out.

I vote for a trip to the in-laws and let your child be mad at you about it. Then if it's talked about in school he can say that he couldn't go because he had to visit his grandparents. Make the trip extra fun and special.

Anonymous wrote:This happened to my NT child last year. I emailed the mom and was like, it's no big deal if she wasn't invited but she asked me to check. She apologized and sent us an invite. I have no idea if it was an oversight or a planned non-invite and truthfully I don't care. I'm an advocate for my kid.

Tacky to invite your child to a party they were not invited to.

This happened to my NT child last year. I emailed the mom and was like, it's no big deal if she wasn't invited but she asked me to check. She apologized and sent us an invite. I have no idea if it was an oversight or a planned non-invite and truthfully I don't care. I'm an advocate for my kid.

OP: do you have an update? Did you call?

I'm cheering for your child and really hoping this sweet little girl has nice parents who just messed up the evite.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

I'd call the mom and say, "Larla has invited my son to her party, but we haven't gotten the details yet."

Yes, I would do it.

Larla is a child. At that age, they blab about everything and have no boundaries. You don't call the mom and invite your child to their party. If she wanted to invite your child, she would have. You put her in an uncomfortable position of either her being forced to invite your child, that she has concerns about, or saying no which makes things worse. Your child was not invited. In life you are not invited to all parties. Its ok.

The uncomfortable position has already been created, and OP didn't create it. She has a child expecting to go to a party because they were verbally invited to it.

Yes, in life you are not invited to all parties, and that's OK. But it's not OK for a child to be told they're invited to a party and then have the invitation withdrawn without explanation. This is the host family's problem to fix -- it was their child that created the awkward situation. The child may not be responsible for fixing it, but the parents are, more than anyone else in this situation.

Parents like you are the reason why some kids don't or soon won't get invited.

Parents send out formal invites not small children. The child was never officially invited. Consequently, the real invitation was not withdrawn. Casual invitations by 1st graders don't count.

Your lawyerly rationale will mean nothing to a child who feels they were invited to a party, and your gratuitous insult of PP doesn't even make sense.

Anonymous wrote:ugh, this is why at the preschool I worked at, we had a classroom policy where kids couldn't talk about birthday parties unless everyone was invited. Hard to enforce but I think it is a good idea for parents who don't want to invite the whole class to coach their child to not talk about it at school.

I am sorry OP, I wish I had more advice but I like the idea of trying to set up a play date!

This x100. Just tell DS that you haven't received an invite. I've told my kids that while it's fine that Johnny invited you for sleepover I need the parent to get in touch. Sometimes this gets conveyed.

Depending on how many kids got invited, you could mention to teacher so she can stop any talk or remind kids not to talk. Use this as a learning w kid in how he should treat others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20:44, they were inviting him in person to be mean knowing he wasn't really invited? ouch. That is harsh for first graders.

Yes. It was a game to them.

Brutal.

The psychological bullying and exclusion is worse than being pushed around physically. I feel literally nauseous reading this thread. Our poor kids...