Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: In our school they are very vindictive if you miss a tournament for ANY reason. They just are. So nephew will be sitting on the bench unless he is a star for the rest of the season. I would let him miss the wedding.

This. My DC is a starting player in his varsity team and is a freshman. He would definitely be penalized for missing a tournament even a practice. The coach would likely tells us it's okay to attend the wedding but penalized him anyway. Coaches make examples out of players to retain control. If their mind if they allow any excuse other than injury and illness, other players will take advantage and that can derail team spirit. I would have considered it if my kid was playing on a freshman team. Making Varsity as a 14 year old is a big deal; you don't miss games. Missing for a funeral is a different story, the coach might be able to relate, otherwise, it is a subjective call and a tough call for your sister.

I have had the same experience as these posters. My kids' club team coaches would have zero problem with them missing a game for a wedding, even if it was a big game, and they would not penalize them. Their high school soccer coaches? Totally different story.

Unless the nephew has an unusually decent high school coach, there is a strong chance that he will suffer for the decision to skip the wedding, especially given that this will be the first games he has ever played with the high school team. There goes his chance to make a good impression at the start of his high school career. That sort of thing actually can be a make or break moment in a 14 year old's life.

With respect to OP's question about whether the answer would be different if it were a girl, I'd say no--exactly the same calculus (maybe moreso if she's a high school star, as she's more likely to get a soccer scholarship or admissions bump than a similaly abled boy). I can't easily imagine a situation where a ten year old would face any serious repercussions for missing a sports event, so in that case it seems like an easy decision to attend the wedding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is important to teach kids to commit, but not blindly! The normal standard for adult activities would permit ceding other committments in order to attend important family events. I think it is fine to teach a kid that they might need to push back against people making unreasonable demands on their time.

And as a side note, what kind of coach punishes a kid for going to a family wedding? Something has gotten a little out of whack and I would be concerned about my kid being involved in an activity that does not have appropriate boundaries. Olympic trials or state championship, ok. But early season tournament? Sorry. Not the be all end all.

Exactly. And this wedding was known almost a year in advance. Give me a break on the "you made a commitment to the team" shit. His aunt has gone to everyone of his events since he was born. She some f'ing respect and go to her one event.

20 years ago this would never of happened anywhere. How parents and now their kids prioritize sports is ridiculous these days.

No, 20 years ago (actually more than that), I was allowed to choose. But then again, I was also allowed to walk a mile to school, do my own laundry, and a whole bunch of things. I usually chose the right things, but when I didn't, I suffered the consequence. I may not have known it till after, but it's how I became an independent, thoughtful adult.

The detail everyone is neglecting is that auntie moved her date(s) to accommodate niece's (who is the older child's) sporting/ hobby events. Parents (and thus, auntie) neglected to account for nephew. So, basically the entire event was set to accommodate niece. Now nephew is getting flak because he doesn't warrant the same attention, but presumedly, his events are important to HIM?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is important to teach kids to commit, but not blindly! The normal standard for adult activities would permit ceding other committments in order to attend important family events. I think it is fine to teach a kid that they might need to push back against people making unreasonable demands on their time.

And as a side note, what kind of coach punishes a kid for going to a family wedding? Something has gotten a little out of whack and I would be concerned about my kid being involved in an activity that does not have appropriate boundaries. Olympic trials or state championship, ok. But early season tournament? Sorry. Not the be all end all.

Exactly. And this wedding was known almost a year in advance. Give me a break on the "you made a commitment to the team" shit. His aunt has gone to everyone of his events since he was born. She some f'ing respect and go to her one event.

20 years ago this would never of happened anywhere. How parents and now their kids prioritize sports is ridiculous these days.

Anonymous wrote:It is important to teach kids to commit, but not blindly! The normal standard for adult activities would permit ceding other committments in order to attend important family events. I think it is fine to teach a kid that they might need to push back against people making unreasonable demands on their time.

And as a side note, what kind of coach punishes a kid for going to a family wedding? Something has gotten a little out of whack and I would be concerned about my kid being involved in an activity that does not have appropriate boundaries. Olympic trials or state championship, ok. But early season tournament? Sorry. Not the be all end all.

Anonymous wrote:Also, I really don't think my "nephew" would be completely bored. More bored than at the uber fun tournament, no doubt! But I believe he was legitimately excited for the small wedding where to us it was about family. I think he felt it was a little bit about him and us collectively and not just about me and my partner. And that is my view, it's for all of us. I think my family shares that view based on the wedding planning and discussions and excitement so far. But then there was this important tournament. And the kid's high school experience is also very important clearly.

Anonymous wrote:Yes you can believe in that sentiment and still think it is crazy not to attend the wedding. As a pp so nicely said, it's not about an attendance sheet, it's about sharing in your joys and sorrows with those closest to you. I would be disappointed if my nephew were not at my wedding, and as the sister it would be very important to me that my family and I be at my sister's wedding. Not because ai want to check some imaginary box, but because I'd want to share in her joy!

Anonymous wrote:What the hell? I can't believe these people who are saying that a soccer tournament is more important than a family wedding. It's not like this kid is going to be a professional athlete -- and if he was, missing one weekend tournament would not get in his way. People have FUCKED up values around here if they would really let a teenager choose a hobby over his extended family. Jeez.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have one question for OP.

Since you and sis and nephew are so close and all, how many times have you travelled to see your nephew play soccer? To me, that is important because you think that he should be sacrificing something important to him so that he can attend something that is important to you. So I want to know if it flows both ways. Would be nice for you to take time and make the effort to support him before you express disappointment in him not supporting you, if you have not already.

That being said, my kids are athletes, we would let them choose, and given how close they are with their aunts and uncles, they would choose and have chosen the family event. But our family is full of club, HS and college athletes so the family would 100% understand if someone missed something because of an important tournament. At the same time, we all gather up and attend the sporting events of the young people in our family. Nothing for us to have 10 family members at an important game. So our kids would remember that Aunt Lucy came to their championship game and they would want to support Aunt Lucy in her big day. In my opinion, it is not about sports being more important than family. It is about family members mutually supporting each other in endeavors that are important to the one participating. It is VERY condescending to belittle the boy's activity and the work he put in to make varsity so I think that is the wrong way to look at it.

Missing a game was only an issue one time. When DD was in HS, she attended her cousin's wedding and missed a college showcase tournament. She made the decision and we supported it. The problem was that a few college coaches came expecting to see her and not all of them got the word that she would not be playing. So that took some smoothing over and we know in one case, a college coach crossed her off the list because of it. Otherwise, we have never had a problem.

Are you really equating a soccer game to an (ideally) once in a lifetime wedding? I'm all about showing up for important events in my nephews' lives - I've been to birthdays and school plays and sports events - but you cannot seriously say that an adult should not expect a teenager to attend her wedding unless the adult considers a soccer game as important as a wedding. Weddings are sacraments (if you believe in such) or at the very least significant milestone legal ceremonies that are supposed to happen once in life. A child may have dozens and dozens of soccer games a year. The two are not even remotely equivalent, and if you are teaching your kid such, you are seriously de-valuing the importance of public commitment ceremonies.