Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the thread, but I can tell you as the wife who did become fat and I'm sure my exH would have said I was lazy, I wasn't. I was miserable in a marriage, depressed, unhappy, I had lost sense of who I was as a woman, as a wife, I felt utterly helplessly miserable. And he was the reason. He was so mentally abusive and withholding, I had no idea at the time. For me though, I did go to the gym, and I did try and it didn't work. But for him, he'd put me down. He'd say I wasn't training hard, and I wasn't eating small enough. As he'd devour an entire pizza, alone and remain a super skinny guy. LONG story short, when we divorced, I lost 75 pounds. Without even trying. Because my inner woman was no longer put down, shamed, criticized. I was desired by others, I felt pretty, and my body just started responding. I think if she's depressed, she can feel your judgement and it's not helping. If you really do love her, I'd make her feel pretty, I'd go on walks with her as "dates" so you don't put her down. I'd get her a gorgeous lingerie set. I'd make her feel loved and desirable. If that doesn't work, then that is on her. But don't underestimate the value of feeling awful, and sensing your spouse feels that way about you too.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this. Thank you thank you thank you. I hope you have found love and joy in this short life!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Actually I can't. It just amuses me when men get their panties in a wad and so selfish about their wives gaining weight, as if it was a personal slap in the face to them! So hilariously self centered!

And I'm guessing you are an Adonis yourself? Dead ringer for David Gandy?

But it very much IS a personal slap in the face!
While dating, I was quite selective about dating only girls who matched my active lifestyle. At that time, my wife (then girlfriend) shared the same views on fitness. I made no secrets about my commitment to physical activity for life, and that I wanted a partner to grow old with BUT to remain active.

Whether I'm Adonis or David Gandy (whoever the F that might be, don't care enough to even google) is totally irrelevant. What IS relevant is that I've not changed, physically, since we got together 2 decades ago.
Have I aged? Of course! But getting fat and lazy is NOT a part of aging. I work a bit harder now to maintain my strength and weight, but that's what mature people do if they value physical fitness.

Obviously my wife now values her cushy lifestyle with ease and comfort over fitness. And I'm not happy about that change one bit. I've never been attracted to larger women. And now that my wife has gained a ton of weight, I've lost attraction and respect for her.
Yes, that's a slap in my face.

It just amuses me when women get surprised and upset that their men lose attraction for a wife who gains weight.

I am dead serious here. If body shape is that important to you, and always has been, it should have been one of your vows to each other. "I agree to love you in sickness and in health, as long as you maintain the same commitment to exercise and maintaining your current body shape for the rest of your life. If your priorities change and you choose to focus on other things, my commitment to you is over."

People change. People care about different things as they age and as their life experiences influence who they choose to become. Most people become more wise as they age. You clearly have not. Your priorities are the same as they were a decade ago. Frankly, that says something is wrong with YOU, not her.

I think this thread just died.

Anonymous wrote:There may be exceptions but let's face it: the very same women who used to take care of their figures before they married and while they were courting - ie trying to find a husband - let themselves go once they are married.

I don't believe for a moment that these women just find it impossible to lose weight after they marry because there is hardly a bride to be who is not focused on losing weight to look her best on her wedding day. Yes, having children can take a toll but these very same women if they get divorced then make that extra effort to lose weight because they are again on the prowl to find another partner and so they are motivated to do so.

Both men and women change in different ways when there is not a need to impress the opposite sex ...... and the need to impress is not a factor any more once they marry.

It's the women you know. Lose weight for the "big" day. Stop dating vain women. I would have "try to find a husband"... "lose weight for any specific day" ...

These women just need to start dating black guys.

There may be exceptions but let's face it: the very same women who used to take care of their figures before they married and while they were courting - ie trying to find a husband - let themselves go once they are married.

I don't believe for a moment that these women just find it impossible to lose weight after they marry because there is hardly a bride to be who is not focused on losing weight to look her best on her wedding day. Yes, having children can take a toll but these very same women if they get divorced then make that extra effort to lose weight because they are again on the prowl to find another partner and so they are motivated to do so.

Both men and women change in different ways when there is not a need to impress the opposite sex ...... and the need to impress is not a factor any more once they marry.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe try stop being such a judgemental asshole.

Hahahah...yeah, whatever.

My EX-wife did this crap - depressed, grossly (and I mean gross) over weight - wouldn't have sex, was miserable to live with, yadda yadda...for YEARS. Yes, this is why I basically divorced her ultimately. I got tired of being married to a depressed person who was just a constant cloud of negative and had turned into a tub. Marriage is not a suicide pact. You don't get to just give up and quit trying altogether once you've roped someone into saying "I do".

I do agree with the posts suggesting she's depressed - I would strongly urge the OP to press her to look into that. Yes, her libido may tank (so your sex life may still suck for a while) while on meds for depression, but you have kids, so you should make the extra effort to try to turn things around.

I put up with it for far too long - about 7-8 years too long - during which time any remaining "give a shit" I had was ground/burned out. When I finally said "fuck it, I'm willing to leave over this" she was suddenly willing to start to make some real changes, whereas previously, I'd been fighting the tar-baby of passive-aggression: I'd complain, beg, plead, cajole, etc., and she'd make promises and ZERO would actually change. Yes, sometimes people need a fire under their ass to get off the couch and start to make an effort. If I'd done that 8 years earlier, I would have still cared enough to be thrilled when a real effort got made.

Yes, I'm projecting my experience onto your comments, but there's one more possibility for you to consider.

Anonymous wrote:

OMG, this. My ex SUCKED in bed. When I was dating the last guy, he was so good in bed, I found it hard to think about anything at all at work or elsewhere, and had no desire to eat. While dating him alone, i dropped 10 pounds, without even trying. Lol. Men take women gaining weight as a personal slap to them. It rarely is, they don't have a woman's body, or a woman's hormones. But you know what, if you're bad in bed, it's hardly ever that your wife is feeling sexy to try and keep sexy for you. I'll guarantee you that.

*Snort* - "Your woman getting fat isn't a personal slap at you. But it's probably because you're bad in bed."

Anonymous wrote:Women make all the excuses but if a man is making money she has no excuse

Oh, thanks for setting us all straight.

Women make all the excuses but if a man is making money she has no excuse

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Actually I can't. It just amuses me when men get their panties in a wad and so selfish about their wives gaining weight, as if it was a personal slap in the face to them! So hilariously self centered!

And I'm guessing you are an Adonis yourself? Dead ringer for David Gandy?

But it very much IS a personal slap in the face!
While dating, I was quite selective about dating only girls who matched my active lifestyle. At that time, my wife (then girlfriend) shared the same views on fitness. I made no secrets about my commitment to physical activity for life, and that I wanted a partner to grow old with BUT to remain active.

Whether I'm Adonis or David Gandy (whoever the F that might be, don't care enough to even google) is totally irrelevant. What IS relevant is that I've not changed, physically, since we got together 2 decades ago.
Have I aged? Of course! But getting fat and lazy is NOT a part of aging. I work a bit harder now to maintain my strength and weight, but that's what mature people do if they value physical fitness.

Obviously my wife now values her cushy lifestyle with ease and comfort over fitness. And I'm not happy about that change one bit. I've never been attracted to larger women. And now that my wife has gained a ton of weight, I've lost attraction and respect for her.
Yes, that's a slap in my face.

It just amuses me when women get surprised and upset that their men lose attraction for a wife who gains weight.

At some point your wife stopped getting out to exercise. My guess is, the baby was born and you continued to go to work and to the gym as normal while she stayed home caring for your child full time, maybe breastfeeding, getting up every night....

So her body went soft it happens. And the thought of getting back into shape is daunting to her - 50 pounds! OMG. She probably doesn't even know where to begin.

I'm pretty sure that if men were the ones who got pregnant and carried a baby there'd be a whole different standard out there! It is somewhat more difficult for women to predict how their bodies are going to react to pregnancy, how their hormones will shift during and after pregnancy. It's not really right for a guy to say "nothing changed for me so why are you different?" when there actually are physiological differences between the genders.

Also, this idea that the guy is going to give the woman a real treat by letting her out of the house every day to exercise is a bit screwed up. When my kids were little, my husband would "watch the kids" while I went to the gym, so that I could, you know, work all day long watching the kids, make dinner, feed everyone, go the gym, and then come home to clean up all the cereal bowls and crap all over the house because he literally did nothing but 'watch the kids', then I could give everyone a bath and put them all to bed, etc. Also, if the only time the poor woman ever gets a break is to go to the gym, then it's kind of tempting to lie and say you're going to the gym and actually go to Target or a bookstore. It kind of sucks if going ot the gym is always and everywhere your only break from doing all the work. Just something to think about.

Anonymous wrote:
Actually I can't. It just amuses me when men get their panties in a wad and so selfish about their wives gaining weight, as if it was a personal slap in the face to them! So hilariously self centered!

And I'm guessing you are an Adonis yourself? Dead ringer for David Gandy?

But it very much IS a personal slap in the face!
While dating, I was quite selective about dating only girls who matched my active lifestyle. At that time, my wife (then girlfriend) shared the same views on fitness. I made no secrets about my commitment to physical activity for life, and that I wanted a partner to grow old with BUT to remain active.

Whether I'm Adonis or David Gandy (whoever the F that might be, don't care enough to even google) is totally irrelevant. What IS relevant is that I've not changed, physically, since we got together 2 decades ago.
Have I aged? Of course! But getting fat and lazy is NOT a part of aging. I work a bit harder now to maintain my strength and weight, but that's what mature people do if they value physical fitness.

Obviously my wife now values her cushy lifestyle with ease and comfort over fitness. And I'm not happy about that change one bit. I've never been attracted to larger women. And now that my wife has gained a ton of weight, I've lost attraction and respect for her.
Yes, that's a slap in my face.

It just amuses me when women get surprised and upset that their men lose attraction for a wife who gains weight.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the thread, but I can tell you as the wife who did become fat and I'm sure my exH would have said I was lazy, I wasn't. I was miserable in a marriage, depressed, unhappy, I had lost sense of who I was as a woman, as a wife, I felt utterly helplessly miserable. And he was the reason. He was so mentally abusive and withholding, I had no idea at the time. For me though, I did go to the gym, and I did try and it didn't work. But for him, he'd put me down. He'd say I wasn't training hard, and I wasn't eating small enough. As he'd devour an entire pizza, alone and remain a super skinny guy. LONG story short, when we divorced, I lost 75 pounds. Without even trying. Because my inner woman was no longer put down, shamed, criticized. I was desired by others, I felt pretty, and my body just started responding. I think if she's depressed, she can feel your judgement and it's not helping. If you really do love her, I'd make her feel pretty, I'd go on walks with her as "dates" so you don't put her down. I'd get her a gorgeous lingerie set. I'd make her feel loved and desirable. If that doesn't work, then that is on her. But don't underestimate the value of feeling awful, and sensing your spouse feels that way about you too.

In other words: you got fat, he wasn't turned on anymore, you get resentful over his loss of attraction, downward spiral into divorce.
Then you realize that fat women don't get many dates, so you lose the weight in order to find the next guy.
I've seen this cycle SO many times, it's amazing how much weight comes off the weeks following divorce !!

Guess what? Clearly you COULD lose the weight, because you did.
And clearly you KNEW that the extra weight hurt your desirability with men.
But despite both the knowledge and ability, you just (stubbornly) would not do that while married.
And you hated your H for being so shallow as to tell you the truth.

I can totally see my wife (40+ pounds overweight and gaining) pulling this exact same trick.
I've not yet spoken up, but I am almost to the point of turning all Shes-Fat-And-Lazy on her.
And I can predict the outcome: she'll cop a resentment; we will divorce; she'll lose 50 pounds in a few months.

Please answer me: why do women pull this crap?

Yes! And then she will happily start fucking someone else, someone who doesnt get resentful and crazy!! Don't you love how that happens?

...until she gets fat again. Repeat cycle.

Unless the new guy is MUCH better in bed and keeps her on her toes.

OMG, this. My ex SUCKED in bed. When I was dating the last guy, he was so good in bed, I found it hard to think about anything at all at work or elsewhere, and had no desire to eat. While dating him alone, i dropped 10 pounds, without even trying. Lol. Men take women gaining weight as a personal slap to them. It rarely is, they don't have a woman's body, or a woman's hormones. But you know what, if you're bad in bed, it's hardly ever that your wife is feeling sexy to try and keep sexy for you. I'll guarantee you that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the thread, but I can tell you as the wife who did become fat and I'm sure my exH would have said I was lazy, I wasn't. I was miserable in a marriage, depressed, unhappy, I had lost sense of who I was as a woman, as a wife, I felt utterly helplessly miserable. And he was the reason. He was so mentally abusive and withholding, I had no idea at the time. For me though, I did go to the gym, and I did try and it didn't work. But for him, he'd put me down. He'd say I wasn't training hard, and I wasn't eating small enough. As he'd devour an entire pizza, alone and remain a super skinny guy. LONG story short, when we divorced, I lost 75 pounds. Without even trying. Because my inner woman was no longer put down, shamed, criticized. I was desired by others, I felt pretty, and my body just started responding. I think if she's depressed, she can feel your judgement and it's not helping. If you really do love her, I'd make her feel pretty, I'd go on walks with her as "dates" so you don't put her down. I'd get her a gorgeous lingerie set. I'd make her feel loved and desirable. If that doesn't work, then that is on her. But don't underestimate the value of feeling awful, and sensing your spouse feels that way about you too.

In other words: you got fat, he wasn't turned on anymore, you get resentful over his loss of attraction, downward spiral into divorce.
Then you realize that fat women don't get many dates, so you lose the weight in order to find the next guy.
I've seen this cycle SO many times, it's amazing how much weight comes off the weeks following divorce !!

Guess what? Clearly you COULD lose the weight, because you did.
And clearly you KNEW that the extra weight hurt your desirability with men.
But despite both the knowledge and ability, you just (stubbornly) would not do that while married.
And you hated your H for being so shallow as to tell you the truth.

I can totally see my wife (40+ pounds overweight and gaining) pulling this exact same trick.
I've not yet spoken up, but I am almost to the point of turning all Shes-Fat-And-Lazy on her.
And I can predict the outcome: she'll cop a resentment; we will divorce; she'll lose 50 pounds in a few months.

Please answer me: why do women pull this crap?

Haha, or when I was 125 pounds, he never wanted to fuck me, but I wasn't able to type that at work, so I lost sense of who I was, because all these other guys wanted, yet my own husband, who was skinny, never worked out, enver lifted and looked like a teenage boy which I didn't find attractive, wanted me to look even more like a teenage boy than him and I resented that. Double that with depression, PCOS and Thyroid issues, then a surprise pregnancy, and yeah I gained weight. Sue me, at least I'm not a fucking asshole. And no, I got asked out on dates, wait for it, WHILE still fat. But I kept losing the weight. I'm a pretty attractive woman, so even when I was fat, I had no problem getting attention from others. It's his I craved, like an idiot. The divorce came from him, because he just didn't love me anymore. Now he's balding and ugly, and I don't even look 26. So I guess, when you're with a shitty person, it shows, and when you're not, it shows.

I totally understand your frustration OP. Being overweight is not just a vanity issue, it is a health issue as well and you want her to be around for your children's future as well as your own.

But I am also sure that you are less attracted to her when she is less attentive to both her physical appearance as well as her physical health which is understandable.

Could she be depressed? If so, that issue needs to be addressed first. Because unless that is dealt with first, you will get nowhere dealing with her weight issue.

Also, why not offer to work out with her? Perhaps hire a sitter and go with her to the gym and to work out with the personal trainer?

Or you could join her in some afternoon date activities that are healthy and active and that you can both do together, maybe discover some new hobbies that can bring you both closer.

I.e., hiking, bike riding, surfing, swimming, rollerblading, skiing, etc.