Anonymous wrote:He told me he couldn’t think if anything I had done for him. So I told him about a very big thing I had done for him which I had kept a secret to spare his feelings. He was shocked and speechless. And then I walked out of his life.

Can you tell us what it was?

He’s said a lot of terrible things to me but on the night I said I wanted a divorce he said that all I wanted was someone that I could sink my claws into and control. He said that I would never find anyone better than him and good luck. Over the next few days we fought a lot and finally I agreed to yet another round of marital counseling. I asked him, “so are you volunteering to be the one I sink my claws into?” Now, here we are a year later and separated. It’s been hell. I can’t even tell you all the terrible things he’s said to me, but this one sticks out as one of the worst.

Yes— we have been coasting towards splitting up for some time, and last night cinched it: he said that I’m a bitch, and bad wife, who is emotionally abusive and wants him to be unhappy...because I wasn’t concerned that he couldn’t find his earplugs. I realize this is not nearly as bad as what some of the PP have and are experiencing, but I can’t handle this anger coming seemingly out of nowhere. I will say that, unlike some of the other posters, I find this thread useful because I see that I’m not alone in my situation. I actually can’t believe that this is my life.

We had a two year old and a baby who was three or four months old. We were both working but I was doing so the overnights because the baby was nursing. I would go to bed early but the wakeups were increasingly negatively affecting me, particularly my mood. My husband would stay up later, sometimes working but frequently playing video games.

I asked him to give the baby a bottle of formula for the first feeding since he was up anyway, explaining that I thought the sleep deprivation was making me depressed. He told me yes, and then we had three nights of him not doing it and then telling me in the morning that he hadn't understood what I was asking him to do but promising he would do better that night. The last time I was practically crying as I told him that it was making me crazy that he kept saying he would help me and then making it out like I hadn't explained what I needed, and that it seemed like he wasn't willing to help me. He smirked at me and said something like "I guess so, what are you going to do about it?" I swallowed hard, thought about how limited the emotional resources I had for dealing with anything at the time were, and decided to let it go.

In retrospect, I should have started making a plan for either improving things or getting out, because it was two years after that of resentful, checked out parenting. Having to nag him to get out of bed in the morning. Anger at me for not getting him the groceries he wanted, and anger at me for asking what he wanted when I went grocery shopping. Weird suspicions about the paternity of a child who was plainly his.

A couple of months ago he yelled at me that he pretends to have to work late to avoid spending time with me and we finally had some discussions we should have had a long time ago. He understands that he seriously messed up. He's been more engaged and nicer to me. He apologized a lot. Sometimes I think it's enough and sometimes I don't.

“You’re a bitch whore” and then he lunged at me in a way that was designed to make me think he was about to hit me.

“You’re just like your Father”

He:
“You always create problems”
“You are ruining my life”
“What do you have in your brain?”

I’m the only person who had the courage to stop him.
I also had the courage to stop his father from throwing venom to me in front of my child ( his grandchild).

Newborn baby boys have a bigger penis than you...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there really people in the world who have never said something mean during an argument? I ask in all seriousness -- this is an eye-opener for me if true. I assumed we'd all had our moments saying things we've later regretted.

DH and I have never said cruel things to each other. Been together 17 years. We can be angry and still responsible for our words and actions.

My husband and I have been together almost 16 years and we also have never cursed at each other, never called each other names, never said anything cruel or intentionally hurtful to each other. The worst fight we ever had we just didn't talk to each other for a day or 2.

Anonymous wrote:To all the people who can’t fathom being spoken to this way: just be grateful you didn’t grow up in an abusive household. Some of us did and we didn’t know better.

+1

“ you’re not worth getting sober for”

“At least I can still have kids”. I only bore him three before having to have a hysterectomy- I guess his drunk abusive self is happy he can go make more to replace the ones he left?

But if I really listed it out you’d cry. And red flags? No. Not until I had been out of the workforce and was tethered down with kids and then he moved me away from all of my family and friends for “work”. That’s when the abuse started. It hasn’t stoppped.

Anonymous wrote:I hate to disappoint everyone but my DH has never said anything so mean that its stuck in my memory. He's certainly said his share of dumb things but over 34 years that's to be expected.

Do you always answer questions that don’t pertain to you?

He told me he couldn’t think if anything I had done for him. So I told him about a very big thing I had done for him which I had kept a secret to spare his feelings. He was shocked and speechless. And then I walked out of his life.

I hate to disappoint everyone but my DH has never said anything so mean that its stuck in my memory. He's certainly said his share of dumb things but over 34 years that's to be expected.

To add to the pp, in my experience kids were a huge trigger for abuser XH and especially when our son was born.

Yeah he was never a model boyfriend but given how I was raised I deserved shit and even should be lucky to have what I can get.

Plus breaking generational cycles of abuse is extremely hard.