Anonymous
Post 07/25/2014 14:10     Subject: single mother difficulty meeting single men
I'm the single mom again who originally mentioned it gets easier as your kid gets older. I hardly ever meet single dads. I didn't meet them pre-kid either. At this point, I can recall dating two single dads and it was nice for a change. One was my age and had also started young for this area (early 20s for him, mid 20s for me) and recently divorced. He definitely "got it" and we would supplement by talking on the phone like teenagers all night. Ex military. So was the other single dad. OP, I don't know how old you are, but one challenge I had was being in my 20s and a mom amongst a bunch of childless peers and men. People suggest going older and I think that's usually wise. However, it hasn't worked well for me. I have surprisingly found younger guys to be more open to a relationship. Guys with military backgrounds especially seem to be totally familiar with dating moms.

Most guys I've dated have been engineer/IT contractors, single/no kids, 28-35. I'm 31 now, but have been dating for a few years now. The guys I've dated over 35 have surprisingly been the oddest of all to deal with. I would meet guys who say they really wanted to settle down and have kids but their actions said otherwise. These were always the guys who didn't understand why I couldn't be spontaneous and go away for a weekend or to dinner that night. Or they couldn't remember basic stuff about my kid (age/gender/name). Meanwhile, I'd meet a guy slightly younger than me who was more than accommodating. One guy flat out told me that he understood that his schedule was more flexible than mine so to call him anytime I was free and he'd make it happen. Another younger guy I met (long distance) offered to pay for my daughter to fly down to see him when my relative could no longer sit one weekend saying that it would be nice to finally meet her. (FYI, nobody has met my little one yet.) I bring up these anecdotes to stress to you to be very openminded. I initially was not. In fact, I sabotaged both budding relationships because of their ages.

Speaking of being openminded, look around and make sure there isn't a good guy in your life already that you aren't paying attention to. My GF (was a single mom) married a guy who she attended undergrad with and began working near her office. He'd had a crush on her all along, but could tell she wasn't open yet (during that time she married and divorced). She didn't even recognize him yet they'd taken classes together. Another single mom I know is in a relationship now with a guy she dated years ago briefly but wasn't ready for at the time. I just realized recently that I'm interested in a guy that I friend-zoned YEARS ago, pre-kid. There was mutual interest but we were rarely single at the same time. We ended up kissing one night due to liquid courage and then acting like it never happened (pretty sure he followed my lead). I think I convinced myself that I wasn't attracted to him years ago to justify keeping in touch while in a relationship. Maybe there are good guys around you that you just haven't been paying attention to?

Anonymous
Post 07/25/2014 08:59     Subject: single mother difficulty meeting single men
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've really slowed down my posting recently b/c of the guy (or troll or multiple men) who are posting such angry, bitter posts about women -- especially single, divorced or both.

Yes, I am a woman, I am a mother, I am divorced and...wait for it, I also work full time and support myself. My ex pays child support -- which, newsflash, is for the kids. I've been dating a single father for over a year, but have been divorced much longer. I did not come to DCUM when I was first divorced, but I could have used some of the insights. I felt alone and had no clue about dating. I'm glad you are so open with your views -- happy to avoid any man that views me or my kids in this negative way.

I do, however, want to give advice when my experience can be helpful to someone else going through a situation that I've been through. If this were your sister, would you be this judgmental and vile towards her? If this were your daughter, would you berate her for choosing the wrong spouse and trying to find some romantic relationship in her personal life? Would you constantly shoot back saying that no man will ever want her unless she goes for the ugliest, most unsuccessful man she can find? It's enough already and I just look at what you do as beating someone when they are down. That says to me that you are incredibly insecure and most likely hurt by a woman. It appears that you have some serious anger issues and I'm sure that comes across to people who get to know you IRL.

If the OP needs some blunt advice about what she might be doing wrong in terms of meeting men, then go ahead and give it. Not suggesting it has to be rainbows and unicorns. She asked for input on why she's not meeting men as a single mother. How is your opinion that kids should have married parents relevant to her question?

I hope people will continue to give real responses to the different questions posed in these threads.


We met online -- where I've met most every guy I have dated since getting divorced. I've replied to some of the online dating threads -- but essentially, I expanded my options and responded to some guys that I wasn't too sure about. He was one of them and won me over with his personality, his good character, his no-nonsense approach to dating (he let me know he liked me, he asked me out again before the first date was over, he got in touch when he said he would, etc.). Looks-wise, it was not love at first sight. He lives a bit further away than I thought was ideal. He is a bit older. None of these things matters in the end, and he's sexy as hell to me now! I suppose the easiest answer to why him? I was open to the possibilities.


How did you meet your current beau, the single father?
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2014 21:41     Subject: Re:single mother difficulty meeting single men
Just go to a bar, in flattering garb, and all will self-resolve.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2014 00:15     Subject: Re:single mother difficulty meeting single men
Enough of you already. How many threads are you going to start? I think you have at least 3 going now? You are NOT going to find your soul mate on DCUM . . .
DanielG
Post 07/23/2014 23:54     Subject: single mother difficulty meeting single men
Anonymous wrote:
DanielG wrote:I'm a single male with a child. I don't think people look down upon others because of having a kid unless they are younger (under 25). After that, meeting someone with a child is just normal and you are only limiting your pool of potential partners by being turned off by it.

I'm sure there are women out there without kids that probably want nothing to do with me just because of my child, and I'm fine with that. I'd rather meet someone that understands and respects my life just like I do for them.

But at the end of the day, I suspect I'll be more attracted to a single mother since we'll share a lot of common interests (since our children are such a huge part of our lives).




Wow. Where are you single dad? Or Wishing I met you before writing initially writing this.


Ooops. Forgot to login.

I'm in VA
Anonymous
Post 07/23/2014 23:52     Subject: single mother difficulty meeting single men
Anonymous wrote:
DanielG wrote:I'm a single male with a child. I don't think people look down upon others because of having a kid unless they are younger (under 25). After that, meeting someone with a child is just normal and you are only limiting your pool of potential partners by being turned off by it.

I'm sure there are women out there without kids that probably want nothing to do with me just because of my child, and I'm fine with that. I'd rather meet someone that understands and respects my life just like I do for them.

But at the end of the day, I suspect I'll be more attracted to a single mother since we'll share a lot of common interests (since our children are such a huge part of our lives).




Wow. Where are you single dad? Or Wishing I met you before writing initially writing this.


I'm in Virginia like a lot of us here

Anonymous
Post 07/23/2014 22:54     Subject: single mother difficulty meeting single men
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with the single mom PP. What you could do is start building in some time and doing things for yourself. Have a part of your life that doesn't revolve around your child. Spending time looking better will help too. I got a new hairstyle and hit the gym. It made me feel like I was getting some of my identity back.

My child is a tween. I think that age is easier for men. I'm sure some guys enjoy the baby/toddler stage, but most of the dad's I know said they didn't get comfortable and really enjoy parenting until their child was a preschooler.

Though I have kind of known him for years, my boyfriend and I got together when I was visiting a friend without my daughter. There was a lot of serious flirting that I wouldn't be able to do with my child present. I've dated before, but this is more serious. He's a good guy and I adore him. He enjoys children, which is probably not like most young, single men. He is over 40, but I'm pushing 40 and wouldn't consider dating someone younger.

Good luck, OP. You will have some challenges, but meeting a great guy is within reach.


PP, not sure if your boyfriend has been married before but a 40 year old who has not been married likely has commitment issues. I am talking from personal experience. I hope I don't come across as snarky because that is not my intention.

But I wish you luck.


Not snarky at all. Just realistic as my mother is, in fact. Hek, maybe I have commitment issues. A new 40 yr old and never married. Doesn't mean I can't, but maybe need commitment practice with another adult.


I'm the first quoted PP, but not the last one. It's a little confusing to read.
Anonymous
Post 07/23/2014 22:08     Subject: single mother difficulty meeting single men
DanielG wrote:I'm a single male with a child. I don't think people look down upon others because of having a kid unless they are younger (under 25). After that, meeting someone with a child is just normal and you are only limiting your pool of potential partners by being turned off by it.

I'm sure there are women out there without kids that probably want nothing to do with me just because of my child, and I'm fine with that. I'd rather meet someone that understands and respects my life just like I do for them.

But at the end of the day, I suspect I'll be more attracted to a single mother since we'll share a lot of common interests (since our children are such a huge part of our lives).




Wow. Where are you single dad? Or Wishing I met you before writing initially writing this.
Anonymous
Post 07/23/2014 22:07     Subject: single mother difficulty meeting single men
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with the single mom PP. What you could do is start building in some time and doing things for yourself. Have a part of your life that doesn't revolve around your child. Spending time looking better will help too. I got a new hairstyle and hit the gym. It made me feel like I was getting some of my identity back.

My child is a tween. I think that age is easier for men. I'm sure some guys enjoy the baby/toddler stage, but most of the dad's I know said they didn't get comfortable and really enjoy parenting until their child was a preschooler.

Though I have kind of known him for years, my boyfriend and I got together when I was visiting a friend without my daughter. There was a lot of serious flirting that I wouldn't be able to do with my child present. I've dated before, but this is more serious. He's a good guy and I adore him. He enjoys children, which is probably not like most young, single men. He is over 40, but I'm pushing 40 and wouldn't consider dating someone younger.

Good luck, OP. You will have some challenges, but meeting a great guy is within reach.


PP, not sure if your boyfriend has been married before but a 40 year old who has not been married likely has commitment issues. I am talking from personal experience. I hope I don't come across as snarky because that is not my intention.

But I wish you luck.


Not snarky at all. Just realistic as my mother is, in fact. Hek, maybe I have commitment issues. A new 40 yr old and never married. Doesn't mean I can't, but maybe need commitment practice with another adult.
Anonymous
Post 07/23/2014 20:26     Subject: single mother difficulty meeting single men
Anonymous wrote:I've really slowed down my posting recently b/c of the guy (or troll or multiple men) who are posting such angry, bitter posts about women -- especially single, divorced or both.

Yes, I am a woman, I am a mother, I am divorced and...wait for it, I also work full time and support myself. My ex pays child support -- which, newsflash, is for the kids. I've been dating a single father for over a year, but have been divorced much longer. I did not come to DCUM when I was first divorced, but I could have used some of the insights. I felt alone and had no clue about dating. I'm glad you are so open with your views -- happy to avoid any man that views me or my kids in this negative way.

I do, however, want to give advice when my experience can be helpful to someone else going through a situation that I've been through. If this were your sister, would you be this judgmental and vile towards her? If this were your daughter, would you berate her for choosing the wrong spouse and trying to find some romantic relationship in her personal life? Would you constantly shoot back saying that no man will ever want her unless she goes for the ugliest, most unsuccessful man she can find? It's enough already and I just look at what you do as beating someone when they are down. That says to me that you are incredibly insecure and most likely hurt by a woman. It appears that you have some serious anger issues and I'm sure that comes across to people who get to know you IRL.

If the OP needs some blunt advice about what she might be doing wrong in terms of meeting men, then go ahead and give it. Not suggesting it has to be rainbows and unicorns. She asked for input on why she's not meeting men as a single mother. How is your opinion that kids should have married parents relevant to her question?

I hope people will continue to give real responses to the different questions posed in these threads.



How did you meet your current beau, the single father?
Anonymous
Post 07/23/2014 20:16     Subject: single mother difficulty meeting single men
Anonymous wrote:Is there an ex husband supporting these kids? If not, I wouldn't give you a second thouht. I have no respect for women who have children without a husband.


Sort of a good thing for single moms. The last thing anyone needs is a mean partner, like you PP. So your screening mechanism works both ways.
Anonymous
Post 07/23/2014 20:14     Subject: single mother difficulty meeting single men
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Very few men want a woman with kids.


yep. I have met some very cool single mom's but I either want to be friends with them or casually date them - not serious because i dont want to be a dad.

Maybe if I'm 40 my attitude will be different.




This is a post I can respect. Proof we can agree to disagree.
Anonymous
Post 07/23/2014 20:07     Subject: single mother difficulty meeting single men
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is there an ex husband supporting these kids? If not, I wouldn't give you a second thouht. I have no respect for women who have children without a husband.



And, why exactly don't you have respect for women who have children without a husband?




That means no respect for widowers, divorced women, women who deliberately had sperm donors, or, praytell, your mother, perhaps.
DanielG
Post 07/23/2014 13:33     Subject: Re:single mother difficulty meeting single men
Anonymous wrote:As a single female, I have zero interest in a LTR with a single father. It is a complication I don't need in my life. Why would I want to enter into such a relationship when there are lots of single men who are entirely eligible? I don't look down on a single father but I don't want to have to deal with the children of another marriage.


It is good your recognize what you do, or don't, want out of a partner. It sucks when someone doesn't really know what they want, and find out late that this isn't what they expected. So someone gets hurts in the process.

Now some people don't mind their potential partner having children even if they are single. I was single with no kids when I met my ex-wife. She had a kid from a past marriage. It started out as having fun, but quickly turned more serious because she was such a great person. I never thought I'd date someone with a child, but I gave it a shot and it wasn't all that bad. Her child is now someone I consider part of my family.

Anonymous
Post 07/23/2014 12:06     Subject: Re:single mother difficulty meeting single men
Anonymous wrote:As a single female, I have zero interest in a LTR with a single father. It is a complication I don't need in my life. Why would I want to enter into such a relationship when there are lots of single men who are entirely eligible? I don't look down on a single father but I don't want to have to deal with the children of another marriage.

I get approached frequently by single fathers but for me it disqualifies the person. Within the group of women I move with - most are single - they share the sentiments I expressed. So the bias against single parents is not limited to single mothers by any means.


No one is asserting it has to be right for everyone. You don't call single fathers "used up" or "damaged goods", do you? Hopefully, you recognize it as a deal breaker and move on.