Anonymous
05/09/2014 19:43
Subject: Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out
Yes, what religion is this? Christianity? Because no way no how would those parents' behavior be ok with Jesus.
Anonymous
05/09/2014 16:40
Subject: Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out
Anonymous wrote:OP, just want to say that you and your DH are amazing. Also, if something like this happened to me, I also would not let the niece (and baby) stay long term. I would find an appropriate place for her when she is pregnant (like that St. Ann's suggestion on pg 1).
I would also not commit for anything but day-by-day (or a week or so). If she turns out to be wonderful (which sounds out of character) then I'd re-think it all. But the default would be that this is temporary. The crisis was acute, and the appropriate response is to triage, which is what you have done. You don't want it to turn it into a chronic situation.
You can love somebody and be supportive and at the same time have boundaries that help you stay sane while helping that person over the long term. Accusations to the contrary are ridiculous. There is no obligation to become a door mat because her parents are shirking their parental responsibilites.
I wonder if you can call your brother's pastor/priest and "out" them. If you could get the pastor/priest on your side, (which, you would think would be easy to do if they at all think about what Jesus would do), s/he may have HUGE leverage on your brother and his wife.
+1000
Anonymous
05/09/2014 16:16
Subject: Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out
OP, just want to say that you and your DH are amazing. Also, if something like this happened to me, I also would not let the niece (and baby) stay long term. I would find an appropriate place for her when she is pregnant (like that St. Ann's suggestion on pg 1).
I would also not commit for anything but day-by-day (or a week or so). If she turns out to be wonderful (which sounds out of character) then I'd re-think it all. But the default would be that this is temporary. The crisis was acute, and the appropriate response is to triage, which is what you have done. You don't want it to turn it into a chronic situation.
You can love somebody and be supportive and at the same time have boundaries that help you stay sane while helping that person over the long term. Accusations to the contrary are ridiculous. There is no obligation to become a door mat because her parents are shirking their parental responsibilites.
I wonder if you can call your brother's pastor/priest and "out" them. If you could get the pastor/priest on your side, (which, you would think would be easy to do if they at all think about what Jesus would do), s/he may have HUGE leverage on your brother and his wife.
I would also not commit for anything but day-by-day (or a week or so). If she turns out to be wonderful (which sounds out of character) then I'd re-think it all. But the default would be that this is temporary. The crisis was acute, and the appropriate response is to triage, which is what you have done. You don't want it to turn it into a chronic situation.
You can love somebody and be supportive and at the same time have boundaries that help you stay sane while helping that person over the long term. Accusations to the contrary are ridiculous. There is no obligation to become a door mat because her parents are shirking their parental responsibilites.
I wonder if you can call your brother's pastor/priest and "out" them. If you could get the pastor/priest on your side, (which, you would think would be easy to do if they at all think about what Jesus would do), s/he may have HUGE leverage on your brother and his wife.
Anonymous
05/09/2014 16:01
Subject: Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Right, but why should OP's kids suffer because their cousin is irresponsible?
I reject the premise that kids "suffer" when they have to share a bedroom. Plenty of kids do that - including in several houses on our street.
PP you are quoting here. My kids share a room - they are the same gender and two years apart. Which is COMPLETELY different than having a pregnant teen share a room with a preschooler/elementary aged kid. I'm not saying they will suffer, but they will be giving up what they are used to, which will be especially unfair once their is a baby in the picture.
Anonymous
05/09/2014 15:45
Subject: Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out
To OP - I grew up with conservatively religious parents, and now at 27 I am not great at making my own decisions because they coddled me and held my hand every step of the way, instead of letting me figure things out for myself. I wonder if your niece grew up in a similar environment, and since she's rebelling against her parents' rules, they don't know how to handle it since their (I'm assuming controlling and rigid) child-rearing methods no longer work.
Getting the lawyer is a great idea, and he/she will be able to guide you through what's best for your family AND your niece, whether it's to sue her parents or find other arrangements or sue the baby daddy or etc.
Also, PLEASE ignore the advice where people are telling you to send her on a one-way ticket back to her parents who out-and-out rejected her, as you even confirmed. This girl needs to know that someone loves her, and needs to have people she can trust right now in this dark time. Armchair Philosopher is right in that niece might think the baby is someone who loves her, but she needs that from you and DH as well. A great way to show that is by supporting her (as in "we'll help you figure this out and love you no matter what and want you to make the best decision" versus acting like you just adopted a 19-yr-old and a newborn).
You know what's best for your family and, in light of that, what's best for your niece and her baby. Praying for your family and I wish you the best.
Getting the lawyer is a great idea, and he/she will be able to guide you through what's best for your family AND your niece, whether it's to sue her parents or find other arrangements or sue the baby daddy or etc.
Also, PLEASE ignore the advice where people are telling you to send her on a one-way ticket back to her parents who out-and-out rejected her, as you even confirmed. This girl needs to know that someone loves her, and needs to have people she can trust right now in this dark time. Armchair Philosopher is right in that niece might think the baby is someone who loves her, but she needs that from you and DH as well. A great way to show that is by supporting her (as in "we'll help you figure this out and love you no matter what and want you to make the best decision" versus acting like you just adopted a 19-yr-old and a newborn).
You know what's best for your family and, in light of that, what's best for your niece and her baby. Praying for your family and I wish you the best.
Anonymous
05/09/2014 14:08
Subject: Re:Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out
Anonymous wrote:Right, but why should OP's kids suffer because their cousin is irresponsible? Also, it is illegal in some states for opposite sex children to share a bedroom.
I remember this coming up when DCUM was just a list serve and had no forums. I laid this falsehood to rest then and I'll lay it to rest now. There is no law in any of the 50 states (and DC) that prohibit different sex siblings from sharing a room. There are only CPS regulations that prohibit non-relatives, over a certain age, in foster care from sharing a room. I don't know what trauma you experienced in your past that compels you to spout this opinion but it is completely untrue.
Well this is besides the point as OP's kids already share a room.
Anonymous
05/09/2014 14:05
Subject: Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out
Anonymous wrote:Are you getting some kind of professional help? Does Planned Parenthood have low cost therapists she can talk to? What about insurance coverage and prenatal care? Any local non-profits that help teen moms?
There are folks who deal with these situations every day, and you need their help, OP.
I'd also call your own parents if they're still living and your brother's pastor…see if someone can talk sense into your niece's parents.
+1. You are an amazing aunt OP. Please don't feel like you need to "fix" this by yourself. There are resources available to help.
Anonymous
05/09/2014 13:27
Subject: Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I still think you should tell her she cannot stay any longer. It's really, really tough love, but your brother and his wife need to step up. So does your niece. She sounds 1000% clueless.
It will be the worst time in her life, and she may hate you for it, but it will be better for everyone in the long run if she grows up now rather than having a clueless mom and a neglected child. She clearly has NO idea what havign a baby will be like.
So my advice is
1) tell your brother she is going back to you, and if he doesn't take her or send her to CPS you will get a lawyer.
2) buy her a bus ticket home. Put her on the bus. Watch it pull away.
3) do not answer her calls or let her back in your house.
This may be heartless, but really heartless is her thinking she can care for a baby, and what that will do to her unborn child. a cruel life that child will lead, unless perhaps it is put up for adoption or she snaps into focus about what really needs to be done.
Go forward thinking about what is best for the unborn child in the long run, as abrotion is no longer an option here. It is not what is best for your niece today, but so be it.
You know the girl matters too, even though she's pregnant? You think she ceases to matter as a human being and don't think about what's best for her?? Shove her on a bus and make sure everyone she knows and loves abandons her? It is heartless, in the truest sense of the word. Why would you spew this filth?
Anonymous
05/09/2014 13:11
Subject: Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out
OP, are your parents in the picture? If so, where do they stand?
What exactly would your brother and SIL like to see happen with your niece? Do they want her to turn to prostitution to support herself? Do they want her to commit suicide and disappear? Do they want her to go on welfare as a teen without even a high school education? Do they want her to agree to give the baby up for adoption? Do they know you will feel you have to become involved and therefor they are happy to let you clean up the mess?
What exactly would your brother and SIL like to see happen with your niece? Do they want her to turn to prostitution to support herself? Do they want her to commit suicide and disappear? Do they want her to go on welfare as a teen without even a high school education? Do they want her to agree to give the baby up for adoption? Do they know you will feel you have to become involved and therefor they are happy to let you clean up the mess?
Anonymous
05/09/2014 13:10
Subject: Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I still think you should tell her she cannot stay any longer. It's really, really tough love, but your brother and his wife need to step up. So does your niece. She sounds 1000% clueless.
It will be the worst time in her life, and she may hate you for it, but it will be better for everyone in the long run if she grows up now rather than having a clueless mom and a neglected child. She clearly has NO idea what havign a baby will be like.
So my advice is
1) tell your brother she is going back to you, and if he doesn't take her or send her to CPS you will get a lawyer.
2) buy her a bus ticket home. Put her on the bus. Watch it pull away.
3) do not answer her calls or let her back in your house.
This may be heartless, but really heartless is her thinking she can care for a baby, and what that will do to her unborn child. a cruel life that child will lead, unless perhaps it is put up for adoption or she snaps into focus about what really needs to be done.
Go forward thinking about what is best for the unborn child in the long run, as abrotion is no longer an option here. It is not what is best for your niece today, but so be it.
Are you for real? WHY on earth do you think this is good advice? So we can teach the neice to be sure that no one loves her?
If this were a case of the parents insisting on rules that the teen just didn't want to follow I would agree with you. But in this case it sounds like OPs brother and SIL are a huge part of the problem, if not THE problem. How on earth is sending the niece back to people who will abuse her (if not physically, but certainly mentally) the right solution here?
Anonymous
05/09/2014 13:00
Subject: Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out
Anonymous wrote:OP, I still think you should tell her she cannot stay any longer. It's really, really tough love, but your brother and his wife need to step up. So does your niece. She sounds 1000% clueless.
It will be the worst time in her life, and she may hate you for it, but it will be better for everyone in the long run if she grows up now rather than having a clueless mom and a neglected child. She clearly has NO idea what havign a baby will be like.
So my advice is
1) tell your brother she is going back to you, and if he doesn't take her or send her to CPS you will get a lawyer.
2) buy her a bus ticket home. Put her on the bus. Watch it pull away.
3) do not answer her calls or let her back in your house.
This may be heartless, but really heartless is her thinking she can care for a baby, and what that will do to her unborn child. a cruel life that child will lead, unless perhaps it is put up for adoption or she snaps into focus about what really needs to be done.
Go forward thinking about what is best for the unborn child in the long run, as abrotion is no longer an option here. It is not what is best for your niece today, but so be it.
Anonymous
05/09/2014 12:58
Subject: Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out
OP, I still think you should tell her she cannot stay any longer. It's really, really tough love, but your brother and his wife need to step up. So does your niece. She sounds 1000% clueless.
It will be the worst time in her life, and she may hate you for it, but it will be better for everyone in the long run if she grows up now rather than having a clueless mom and a neglected child. She clearly has NO idea what havign a baby will be like.
It will be the worst time in her life, and she may hate you for it, but it will be better for everyone in the long run if she grows up now rather than having a clueless mom and a neglected child. She clearly has NO idea what havign a baby will be like.
Anonymous
05/09/2014 12:52
Subject: Re:Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out
OP - you are doing such a great thing. I strongly suggest you do what a PP suggested several pages back about sitting down with her and basically walking her through the realities of keeping the baby. How much she'd make, how much to rent a place, how much diapers she'd need, transportation, etc. Not in a judgy way, but in a "okay. this is what you want, let me help you find a way to do it" kind of way. She may realize she just can't do it.
Anonymous
05/09/2014 11:07
Subject: Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out
OP, you are doing this child a wonderful service. If she plans to keep the child, you need to have a very firm discussion about how she will financially support the baby after it arrives. Is she going to drop out of HS? Will she be getting her GED before the baby is born? What type of job will she have? She needs to understand that while for now she's a child you are taking care of, soon she will have her own child to care for.
Also, I agree with the PP that you should sue your brother for child support while she is in your home.
Also, I agree with the PP that you should sue your brother for child support while she is in your home.
Anonymous
05/09/2014 10:08
Subject: Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out
Anonymous wrote:What about the fact that it sounds like no matter what, she cannot go home? That her parents have basically disowned her? She is homeless, and is her baby-to-be.
Her parents are wretched to throw her out on the street without any resources to help her get on her feet or at least find a safe place to stay. To me, that is child abuse and they should be reported. I don't think what they're doing is on the right side of the law. They can't just abdicate all responsibility of their minor child.[/quote
+1000000
It sounds like her parents won't let her back regardless of what happens, including an abortion or adoption. I would never send my niece off to foster care if I could in any way avoid it.