The woman my ex had an affair with was/is having an affair with comes from a broken home and was my friend or so I thought

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm genuinely curious to know. Do you have low self-esteem? Are you lonely? Do you need the attention? No matter how much the husband complains about the wife, do you realize or care that you are breaking up families with children?

OP -

You may have your own filters so it may be hard for you to understand. But if you want an honest answer, this would be what I would tell the wife of the man that I fell for.

I didn't set out to have an affair. I never thought I was the type of woman that would be put into those shoes. It had been a while that someone gave me that type of attention and I genuinely felt a deep connection to him. So our relationship evolved from professional, to friendship, to romantic over about a period of 6 months.

He had similar needs and we both filled a void that we had at the time. Was it selfish? Yes. Was it wrong? Yes. Do I regret it? Yes. Would I go there again? No. Because when reality sank in, I regretted the hurt I caused his wife. I regretted the damage I caused to my own marriage and family.

I wish you well OP and hope you find the closure you are looking for. Ultimately, your issue is with your spouse not the other woman. Does he regret what happened and will he do it again?

This. is. me. I was lonely, vulnerable, and overwhelmed with my life and received little emotional or romantic attention from my spouse. It just happened. Ultimately, it is always about your own marriage. We've worked it out and things are better than ever. But sometimes you don't even know how much you miss something until it smacks you in the face. And as other posters have said, as I've gotten older (mid-40s), I realize it is not a black and white issue. Won't do it again though.

you can give your spouse some anti-feeling drugs like here

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0238380/

Anonymous wrote:See here's the thing about emotional affairs, there is a slippery slope you may be on and you don't realize it at the time. I had a professional relationship with a married man about a year ago that grew into a friendship in which we both developed feelings for one another. Did we intend to develop such a connection? No. It just happened over time when we both confided in one another. On my side, I thought I was helping a friend through a tough spot and I suppose he felt the same. We opened up and saw each other's vulnerabilities.

He was married and I was married. It got to a point I realized that our friendship was damaging our marriages instead of fixing them. I think he realized the same. We parted ways professionally as well as personally so the temptations were out of sight and mind. We cannot always control our feelings but we can control our actions.

This why emotional affairs are more, much more dangerous than cheating (i.e sex without attachment). If it is a sexual affair boundaries are set. Emotional relationships are complex, and when feelings develop, it makes life for the spouse at home hell--sometimes perpetually so.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had an emotional affair and managed to work through it, hold onto a strong marriage, AND stay friends with their EA partner?

it's possible, but ea partner will fade away eventually.

Probably because it is a situation that causes both EA partners too much pain. You want a relationship together but know it can never be because of your individual circumstances. Reality has to take control at some point.

One year after our EA ended, we haven't seen each other but still communicate via occasional email. We are trying to be friends but when I make an effort to see him in person he rejects these advances (he always puts off the meeting rather than saying no). I think we're both having a hard time cutting the line of communication once and for all. But I feel like maybe we could pick up our friendship again, slowly but surely. We both said we wanted to remain friends and recognized that it would take time, distance and work. But at the same time I keep wondering if it's always going to be too painful for us, and if we should just turn our backs to the idea of friendship. I don't know. We were such good friends. Nothing got too funky between us, but we did develop feelings of attraction and obviously something a little deeper, otherwise I can't account for the pain. I guess I'm in denial. I wish there was someone out there who would tell me they'd managed to stay friends with their EA partner. Or am I just holding on to false hope and not willing to face saying goodbye when really that's what I should be doing. As you say, I guess reality has to take control at some point. Just having a hard time with this as I've never had to cut off a friend.....

Seriously sit down and ask yourself this. Why is it so important to you to keep the friendship with this particular man? An EA causes damage to your marriage. You are putting energy into that relationship rather than focusing where it should be, with your spouse.

From reading your post, you sound like you want to keep the friendship because you still long for this man. By keeping the friendship, you would keep that door of possibilities open. Not fair for him. Certainly not fair for your husband.

Do yourself and the two men in your life a huge favor, close that door and cut off contact with the other man so you can move on with your life. It sounds like that is what the other man is trying to do, hence why he won't see you in person.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I find these men attractive first and foremost because they are already taken. This way, let the wifey listen to him complain about work when he gets home and has a bad day. Let her wash his dirty laundry and sleep next to him every night while he snores and snores, etc.

I like getting the "better side" of him.
The charming and happier side of him.
OOOhhh....and the mind~blowing sex. Yes!!

No, I do not feel guilty. I don't know the wife so therefore, I do not owe her a damn thing.
If I knew her, then it would be a whole other ball game. But since I don't know the woman, I am free to do whatever I want.

Trust me, if it wasn't me fucking your hubby, it would be someone else.
I also like the fact that I can have him when I want him, but when I want my space, I can send him home to the wifey. I don't have to worry about him calling me incessantly or wanting me to move in w/him.

It's nice.[/quote]

Troll alert. [/quote]

Here is how I know this is a troll: the other woman NEVER gets him whenever she wants him. Please. He fits her in on the side when he can get away from wife/family/work. Most women claim they are okay with this, and that lasts a while, but eventually they want more, hence the whole fatal attraction boiling bunny stereotype.

Anonymous wrote:

One year after our EA ended, we haven't seen each other but still communicate via occasional email. We are trying to be friends but when I make an effort to see him in person he rejects these advances (he always puts off the meeting rather than saying no). I think we're both having a hard time cutting the line of communication once and for all. But I feel like maybe we could pick up our friendship again, slowly but surely. We both said we wanted to remain friends and recognized that it would take time, distance and work. But at the same time I keep wondering if it's always going to be too painful for us, and if we should just turn our backs to the idea of friendship. I don't know. We were such good friends. Nothing got too funky between us, but we did develop feelings of attraction and obviously something a little deeper, otherwise I can't account for the pain. I guess I'm in denial. I wish there was someone out there who would tell me they'd managed to stay friends with their EA partner. Or am I just holding on to false hope and not willing to face saying goodbye when really that's what I should be doing. As you say, I guess reality has to take control at some point. Just having a hard time with this as I've never had to cut off a friend.....

Just like whether ex can remain friends, this depends on many factors. Who ended the EA? Did he feel hurt when the EA ended? Does he feel that you are too much a threat to his marriage? Do you live close enough to each other?

It could also be a problem with the way you communicate. Women tend to assume that a guy can read a subtle message, but in reality most guys cannot read it. Be clear in your message and be persistent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had an emotional affair and managed to work through it, hold onto a strong marriage, AND stay friends with their EA partner?

it's possible, but ea partner will fade away eventually.

Probably because it is a situation that causes both EA partners too much pain. You want a relationship together but know it can never be because of your individual circumstances. Reality has to take control at some point.

One year after our EA ended, we haven't seen each other but still communicate via occasional email. We are trying to be friends but when I make an effort to see him in person he rejects these advances (he always puts off the meeting rather than saying no). I think we're both having a hard time cutting the line of communication once and for all. But I feel like maybe we could pick up our friendship again, slowly but surely. We both said we wanted to remain friends and recognized that it would take time, distance and work. But at the same time I keep wondering if it's always going to be too painful for us, and if we should just turn our backs to the idea of friendship. I don't know. We were such good friends. Nothing got too funky between us, but we did develop feelings of attraction and obviously something a little deeper, otherwise I can't account for the pain. I guess I'm in denial. I wish there was someone out there who would tell me they'd managed to stay friends with their EA partner. Or am I just holding on to false hope and not willing to face saying goodbye when really that's what I should be doing. As you say, I guess reality has to take control at some point. Just having a hard time with this as I've never had to cut off a friend.....

[quote=Anonymous]Woman here....

Monogamy is unnatural, which is why many people stray, even those you would never imagine...
I've become much more accepting to this phenomenon as I have grown older and wiser.
ALL types of GOOD people stray...
[/quote]

Then stray honestly. H & W have the discussion to open up the relationship -- on both sides, for both parties -- and they promise to use protection so that nobody gets pregnant or gets any diseases. No sneaking around. No lies. Be grown ups.

Or validation she's not getting elsewhere

[quote=Anonymous]I find these men attractive first and foremost because they are already taken. This way, let the wifey listen to him complain about work when he gets home and has a bad day. Let her wash his dirty laundry and sleep next to him every night while he snores and snores, etc.

I like getting the "better side" of him.
The charming and happier side of him.
OOOhhh....and the mind~blowing sex. Yes!!

No, I do not feel guilty. I don't know the wife so therefore, I do not owe her a damn thing.
If I knew her, then it would be a whole other ball game. But since I don't know the woman, I am free to do whatever I want.

Trust me, if it wasn't me fucking your hubby, it would be someone else.
I also like the fact that I can have him when I want him, but when I want my space, I can send him home to the wifey. I don't have to worry about him calling me incessantly or wanting me to move in w/him.

It's nice.[/quote]

Troll alert.

Needs job security

[quote=gent.in.nwdc][quote=Anonymous]I hope monogamy becomes more fluid in my children's lifetime, because 30+ years of having sex with one person (or more often not having sex with them) after enjoying sexual freedom before marriage is a big loss for many.

I have some friends who have an open marriage. When I first got married, I was repulsed. 10 years later, I envy what they have and respect that they have figured out how to make it work.[/quote]


That fluidity is already happening on a much larger scale than you realize. A lot of people under 30 are all about the open arrangements, especially when distance and work commitments are interfering with a healthy sex life. And they don't have to be ashamed about it or be tagged with the creepy "swingers" label.

The institution of marriage is going through radical change right now, and just not in regards to gay marriage.[/quote]

I could never stay in an open marriage because jealousy would destroy it. I'm not judging those who have open marriages. Don't judge those of us who could never handle one. Cheating, however, is different. I like Dan Savage's idea: couples should have real discussions about what they can handle: honest monogamy or honest open marriages. Sneaking around deserves the term CPOS!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had an emotional affair and managed to work through it, hold onto a strong marriage, AND stay friends with their EA partner?

it's possible, but ea partner will fade away eventually.

Probably because it is a situation that causes both EA partners too much pain. You want a relationship together but know it can never be because of your individual circumstances. Reality has to take control at some point.

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had an emotional affair and managed to work through it, hold onto a strong marriage, AND stay friends with their EA partner?

it's possible, but ea partner will fade away eventually.