Anonymous wrote:It used to be that SAHM (for white educated women) was the societal norm and you needed an excuse to woh. Now it seems that the societal norm is woh and you need and excuse to sah.

We haven't really come very far if we merely erected a different set of required behaviors.

There are pluses and minuses to every situation and each family needs to figure out what best serves that family.

When I see the "but 50% of marriages end in divorce" argument, I don't think they have thought it through. The divorce rates are different based on the couple's situation. (age of couple when they married, are there children?, did their parents divorce, education of parents, careers, personalities, religious affiliation (or not), length of marriage, NT vs SN children......)

I see several trends among my friends. If their parents divorced, they are more likely to stay working, especially if their mother was left in the lurch. If they have three or more children, they are more likely to sah or work very reduced hours (5-15). If they are having problems in their marriage they are more likely to stay working. If the spouse that has the higher paying job and has a very inflexible job, travels and/or requires significant overtime, they are more likely to sah/work very PT. If they have supportive family nearby, they are more likely to woh. If they have SN child or children, they are more likely to work PT. If they are in job that requires yearly training to keep licenses or would be difficult to re-enter, they wohft or pt. For example, I know many physicians that work part time or job share (which I think is a community asset if we ever have a real epidemic).

I think we each have to address the pluses and minuses of our individual situations head on and figure out what works best for the family among the available options. For my family, that meant that we both woh for a while and then had a woh/sah situation and now we may go back to the dual woh.

Anonymous wrote:It used to be that SAHM (for white educated women) was the societal norm and you needed an excuse to woh. Now it seems that the societal norm is woh and you need and excuse to sah.

We haven't really come very far if we merely erected a different set of required behaviors.

There are pluses and minuses to every situation and each family needs to figure out what best serves that family.

When I see the "but 50% of marriages end in divorce" argument, I don't think they have thought it through. The divorce rates are different based on the couple's situation. (age of couple when they married, are there children?, did their parents divorce, education of parents, careers, personalities, religious affiliation (or not), length of marriage, NT vs SN children......)

I see several trends among my friends. If their parents divorced, they are more likely to stay working, especially if their mother was left in the lurch. If they have three or more children, they are more likely to sah or work very reduced hours (5-15). If they are having problems in their marriage they are more likely to stay working. If the spouse that has the higher paying job and has a very inflexible job, travels and/or requires significant overtime, they are more likely to sah/work very PT. If they have supportive family nearby, they are more likely to woh. If they have SN child or children, they are more likely to work PT. If they are in job that requires yearly training to keep licenses or would be difficult to re-enter, they wohft or pt. For example, I know many physicians that work part time or job share (which I think is a community asset if we ever have a real epidemic).

I think we each have to address the pluses and minuses of our individual situations head on and figure out what works best for the family among the available options. For my family, that meant that we both woh for a while and then had a woh/sah situation and now we may go back to the dual woh.

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Anonymous wrote:Your husband makes 500k and your biggest expense is only the $5000 mortgage. So even if it's harder to get back into the workforce, even if you have to take a paycut, it won't impact your family financially much since your family can already live well below your means currently. So apart from having to take a job that might not have maxed your potential when you left the workforce, the common downsides in terms of getting stuck with jobs with lesser pay, less prestigious jobs doesn't concern your situation. I would say go for the SAH.

The "common" downsides also include loss of husband at which point you're unprepared to take care of your kids. It's really surprising to me how many people are willing to rely on others for their financial well-being.

Most people rely on others for their financial well being you dolt.

Do you mean most adults rely on others for their financial well being? If so, why do you think so?

Are you a sea bajau? If not then you are relying on others for your financial well being. It is really stupid thing to be smug about, unless a course you are a member of the sea bajau people.

Are you brain dead or just pretending to be? When you put your financial well being in the hands of your husband, and he leaves you, or he doesn't leave you, but you are in an unhappy marriage and "feel trapped" (does this sound familiar? It's been the theme of many recent DCUM threads), you have NO OPTIONS. Yes, most of us rely on corporations or the federal government ("people," I suppose, in the grand scheme of the world) for employment, but what we are actually relying on is our own skills, talent, and marketability. When we give that up and become dependent - yes, DEPENDENT - upon a husband to care for our needs ($500K salary or not), then we are trapped. I don't give two shits whether you have a life insurance policy. Do you have a divorce insurance policy? A policy that will ensure anyone will hire you in the very real possibility you are forced to go back to work? Feel free to ignore reality until it hits you rudely in the face. But there it is, and it ain't pretty for women who don't work.

Sorry to threadjack, but does anyone else out there love their husband/wife a lot and have a happy marriage? It seems like there are so many people on here who view divorce as inevitable. Like PP here, who seems to believe that the two possible outcomes of a marriage are: being ditched or being trapped in misery.

Also, thanks to the other PP for introducing me to sea Bajau people. Fascinating!

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Anonymous wrote:Your husband makes 500k and your biggest expense is only the $5000 mortgage. So even if it's harder to get back into the workforce, even if you have to take a paycut, it won't impact your family financially much since your family can already live well below your means currently. So apart from having to take a job that might not have maxed your potential when you left the workforce, the common downsides in terms of getting stuck with jobs with lesser pay, less prestigious jobs doesn't concern your situation. I would say go for the SAH.

The "common" downsides also include loss of husband at which point you're unprepared to take care of your kids. It's really surprising to me how many people are willing to rely on others for their financial well-being.

Most people rely on others for their financial well being you dolt.

Do you mean most adults rely on others for their financial well being? If so, why do you think so?

Are you a sea bajau? If not then you are relying on others for your financial well being. It is really stupid thing to be smug about, unless a course you are a member of the sea bajau people.

Are you brain dead or just pretending to be? When you put your financial well being in the hands of your husband, and he leaves you, or he doesn't leave you, but you are in an unhappy marriage and "feel trapped" (does this sound familiar? It's been the theme of many recent DCUM threads), you have NO OPTIONS. Yes, most of us rely on corporations or the federal government ("people," I suppose, in the grand scheme of the world) for employment, but what we are actually relying on is our own skills, talent, and marketability. When we give that up and become dependent - yes, DEPENDENT - upon a husband to care for our needs ($500K salary or not), then we are trapped. I don't give two shits whether you have a life insurance policy. Do you have a divorce insurance policy? A policy that will ensure anyone will hire you in the very real possibility you are forced to go back to work? Feel free to ignore reality until it hits you rudely in the face. But there it is, and it ain't pretty for women who don't work.

Listen bitch, it's called life. We all have one and we evaluate what works best for us. We are all DEPENDENT on someone because that is how LIFE works. What happens when your nanny or daycare provider who you really don't know from a can of paint molests your child? What happens when the strangers you are dependent on to care for your child does something that psychologically damages them? What happens when they weren't watching closely enough and your kid gets hit by a car?

What happens when you get hit by a car, you are disabled, and now you have to DEPEND on your spouse for the rest of your life? What happens when your industry tanks and you can't find a job to save your life but you have been depending on 2 incomes to survive?

What if we sit here and play what if games until someone has an anxiety attack? Or what if we use some common sense and realize dependency is the American way of life so we make the best choices and plan for what we can while realizing that we aren't in control of everything.

- Business owner who depends on customers and employees in order to profit

I may be a "bitch" (takes one to know one?), but at least I live in the real world. Planning for remote possibilities is a bit different than being attuned to the fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. You're stupid, but apparently not stupid enough to stay home and depend on a spouse. Just angry.

There is also something called alimony and child support. If your household income is high and you get the kids, you will probably get decent alimony and child support.

We know several divorced guys who give $$$ to their ex-wives. They get so excited when the wife remarries so the alimony goes away.

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Anonymous wrote:Your husband makes 500k and your biggest expense is only the $5000 mortgage. So even if it's harder to get back into the workforce, even if you have to take a paycut, it won't impact your family financially much since your family can already live well below your means currently. So apart from having to take a job that might not have maxed your potential when you left the workforce, the common downsides in terms of getting stuck with jobs with lesser pay, less prestigious jobs doesn't concern your situation. I would say go for the SAH.

The "common" downsides also include loss of husband at which point you're unprepared to take care of your kids. It's really surprising to me how many people are willing to rely on others for their financial well-being.

Most people rely on others for their financial well being you dolt.

Do you mean most adults rely on others for their financial well being? If so, why do you think so?

Are you a sea bajau? If not then you are relying on others for your financial well being. It is really stupid thing to be smug about, unless a course you are a member of the sea bajau people.

Are you brain dead or just pretending to be? When you put your financial well being in the hands of your husband, and he leaves you, or he doesn't leave you, but you are in an unhappy marriage and "feel trapped" (does this sound familiar? It's been the theme of many recent DCUM threads), you have NO OPTIONS. Yes, most of us rely on corporations or the federal government ("people," I suppose, in the grand scheme of the world) for employment, but what we are actually relying on is our own skills, talent, and marketability. When we give that up and become dependent - yes, DEPENDENT - upon a husband to care for our needs ($500K salary or not), then we are trapped. I don't give two shits whether you have a life insurance policy. Do you have a divorce insurance policy? A policy that will ensure anyone will hire you in the very real possibility you are forced to go back to work? Feel free to ignore reality until it hits you rudely in the face. But there it is, and it ain't pretty for women who don't work.

Listen bitch, it's called life. We all have one and we evaluate what works best for us. We are all DEPENDENT on someone because that is how LIFE works. What happens when your nanny or daycare provider who you really don't know from a can of paint molests your child? What happens when the strangers you are dependent on to care for your child does something that psychologically damages them? What happens when they weren't watching closely enough and your kid gets hit by a car?

What happens when you get hit by a car, you are disabled, and now you have to DEPEND on your spouse for the rest of your life? What happens when your industry tanks and you can't find a job to save your life but you have been depending on 2 incomes to survive?

What if we sit here and play what if games until someone has an anxiety attack? Or what if we use some common sense and realize dependency is the American way of life so we make the best choices and plan for what we can while realizing that we aren't in control of everything.

- Business owner who depends on customers and employees in order to profit

I may be a "bitch" (takes one to know one?), but at least I live in the real world. Planning for remote possibilities is a bit different than being attuned to the fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. You're stupid, but apparently not stupid enough to stay home and depend on a spouse. Just angry.

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Anonymous wrote:I officially hate dcum for making me feel so poor. Ridiculous.

Another +1. Nothing against this OP. though.

If we were bringing in a six-figure HHI, let alone anything in the realm of $1 million, I'd be going NUTS at Whole Foods and I'd finally buy some decent bras.

+1!

EXACTLY!

I have to work and still can't afford fancy bras.

I have been wearing the same two bras for months now because I'm too lazy/broke to go out and buy new ones. Plus I'm still going to lose that extra 15 pounds, right?

Get out! I have bras that are years old. YEARS, I tell you!

Ugh - I'm wearing a few bras that are probably a decade old. The eye hooks are all bent, they are ripped and tattered. I was waiting until weaned to see if I go down a size, but I'm now inspired to go buy a few new bras!

I go nuts, absolutely NUTS, at Whole Foods--daily visitor---but I am still wearing old bras while I'm shopping there. When- I finally get a new one (once in a blue moon) I usually just grab it off a Target rack.

I must see you there all of the time! I'm a WF whore. And I just ordered three new bras. So I won't be so saggy next time I see you there.

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Anonymous wrote:Your husband makes 500k and your biggest expense is only the $5000 mortgage. So even if it's harder to get back into the workforce, even if you have to take a paycut, it won't impact your family financially much since your family can already live well below your means currently. So apart from having to take a job that might not have maxed your potential when you left the workforce, the common downsides in terms of getting stuck with jobs with lesser pay, less prestigious jobs doesn't concern your situation. I would say go for the SAH.

The "common" downsides also include loss of husband at which point you're unprepared to take care of your kids. It's really surprising to me how many people are willing to rely on others for their financial well-being.

Most people rely on others for their financial well being you dolt.

Do you mean most adults rely on others for their financial well being? If so, why do you think so?

Are you a sea bajau? If not then you are relying on others for your financial well being. It is really stupid thing to be smug about, unless a course you are a member of the sea bajau people.

Are you brain dead or just pretending to be? When you put your financial well being in the hands of your husband, and he leaves you, or he doesn't leave you, but you are in an unhappy marriage and "feel trapped" (does this sound familiar? It's been the theme of many recent DCUM threads), you have NO OPTIONS. Yes, most of us rely on corporations or the federal government ("people," I suppose, in the grand scheme of the world) for employment, but what we are actually relying on is our own skills, talent, and marketability. When we give that up and become dependent - yes, DEPENDENT - upon a husband to care for our needs ($500K salary or not), then we are trapped. I don't give two shits whether you have a life insurance policy. Do you have a divorce insurance policy? A policy that will ensure anyone will hire you in the very real possibility you are forced to go back to work? Feel free to ignore reality until it hits you rudely in the face. But there it is, and it ain't pretty for women who don't work.

Listen bitch, it's called life. We all have one and we evaluate what works best for us. We are all DEPENDENT on someone because that is how LIFE works. What happens when your nanny or daycare provider who you really don't know from a can of paint molests your child? What happens when the strangers you are dependent on to care for your child does something that psychologically damages them? What happens when they weren't watching closely enough and your kid gets hit by a car?

What happens when you get hit by a car, you are disabled, and now you have to DEPEND on your spouse for the rest of your life? What happens when your industry tanks and you can't find a job to save your life but you have been depending on 2 incomes to survive?

What if we sit here and play what if games until someone has an anxiety attack? Or what if we use some common sense and realize dependency is the American way of life so we make the best choices and plan for what we can while realizing that we aren't in control of everything.

- Business owner who depends on customers and employees in order to profit

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Anonymous wrote:14:08 - totally agree that not everyone has the benefit of flexibility. But OP has said she and her DH alternates aging early and since she doesn't seem to really care about furthering her career, I've asked a couple times here if she could do part-time or some kind of flex schedule to cut back on hours. With that much money (a $5k mortgage), I don't think you'd be needing to live a 1.5-hour commute from your work unless you really wanted to. My advice was very specific to the OP's situation, but being home by 4 obviously isn't an option for many people.

I'm done by 4 if I telework and home by 4:30-5 if I don't. I also have a boss who lets me put in another hour in the evening and cut out an hour early. I'm Federal government and theres a big telework and flex schedule push right now. And we purposely chose a smaller house closer in to avoid any hour-plus commutes.

OP here. I am going to ask for PT and salary cut. I feel it would be all or nothing though because they would need to hire a person to do the work that I cannot. I have casually looked for other jobs and all the jobs I see would require a longer commute and/or sounds more time demanding. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I am not completely sold on being a SAHM, which is why I am still working. I would absolutely LOVE to work about 20 hours per week. That would give me enough free time to have some me time (gym, errands, etc) and do some work while the kids are in school while still being able to be there for them.