Anonymous
02/06/2013 11:31
Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. What is the "right" thing to do at this point?
Well, at this point your daughter is 1, so I doubt you have to tell her anything right now.
Other than providing financial support (which I actually don't agree with), the biological father owes you and your daughter nothing so trying to force him in her life is unfair and will likely have bad results. He didn't want the baby, you did. Now, it's time for you to raise the child.
When your DD gets to an age where she asks about her father you can tell her some version of the truth. When you decided to give birth against his wishes, you decided to handle all this on your own. Now get to it.
Op ignore this dumb bitter person. You tell her the truth as she can understand. Families all different sizes, I love you, its just us for now...When she hits a certain age and only you will know maturity wise get him on the phone and make him explain to her. The trump card of you not going public now is this... he doesnt answer her he can answer the press and his wonderful wife can explain to her friends and family what a wonderful upstanding man she's been married to all these years.
Actually, your advice sucks and you sound very vindictive (you even sound snarky about the wife...are you an OW?). Why on earth would you want to force this man's attention on a child he's clearly not interested in? Whether you like it or not, you can't force this man to feel any paternal love for his child and, other than forcing him to pay child support, you can't "make" him see/talk to the child.
You sound like a delusional woman. He had a child outside of marriage. The only reason he is keeping his distance is self preservation. He doesn't love the wife. If he did he would not have put his penis in somebody else. We ALL know where babies come from ... If he didn't then there is a much bigger problem.
Whether this man does or does not love his wife is irrelevant. It also doesn't matter *why* he's keeping his distance. The point is..what good will come from forcing a relationship that he doesn't want?
I know I personally would never expose my child to someone who is not interested in being involved in their lives. Ultimately, that's way more damaging. I'd rather have no father presence than one where the guy was uninterested and seemed resentful of having to be a parent.
The OP knows where babies comes from too. Why are women let off so easy?
Anonymous
02/05/2013 23:54
Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Mangled that quote, sorry. +1 was for the above poster, not the boob who thinks men who have unprotected sex shouldn't deal with the consequences.
Sorry, but if women have a choice post-conception, so should men.
She is a year old. It is a little late to kill her now, even if it would be more convenient for a few adults who know how reproduction works.
Well of course it's too late and OP wanted the baby against the father's wishes. She made her choice; he made his. Now it's time for her to live with her decision.
Bitter bitter lonely twitter.
Anonymous
02/05/2013 23:53
Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. What is the "right" thing to do at this point?
Well, at this point your daughter is 1, so I doubt you have to tell her anything right now.
Other than providing financial support (which I actually don't agree with), the biological father owes you and your daughter nothing so trying to force him in her life is unfair and will likely have bad results. He didn't want the baby, you did. Now, it's time for you to raise the child.
When your DD gets to an age where she asks about her father you can tell her some version of the truth. When you decided to give birth against his wishes, you decided to handle all this on your own. Now get to it.
Op ignore this dumb bitter person. You tell her the truth as she can understand. Families all different sizes, I love you, its just us for now...When she hits a certain age and only you will know maturity wise get him on the phone and make him explain to her. The trump card of you not going public now is this... he doesnt answer her he can answer the press and his wonderful wife can explain to her friends and family what a wonderful upstanding man she's been married to all these years.
Actually, your advice sucks and you sound very vindictive (you even sound snarky about the wife...are you an OW?). Why on earth would you want to force this man's attention on a child he's clearly not interested in? Whether you like it or not, you can't force this man to feel any paternal love for his child and, other than forcing him to pay child support, you can't "make" him see/talk to the child.
You sound like a delusional woman. He had a child outside of marriage. The only reason he is keeping his distance is self preservation. He doesn't love the wife. If he did he would not have put his penis in somebody else. We ALL know where babies come from ... If he didn't then there is a much bigger problem.
Anonymous
02/05/2013 20:17
Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Mangled that quote, sorry. +1 was for the above poster, not the boob who thinks men who have unprotected sex shouldn't deal with the consequences.
Sorry, but if women have a choice post-conception, so should men.
She is a year old. It is a little late to kill her now, even if it would be more convenient for a few adults who know how reproduction works.
Well of course it's too late and OP wanted the baby against the father's wishes. She made her choice; he made his. Now it's time for her to live with her decision.
Anonymous
02/05/2013 18:32
Subject: Re:What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:PP who is the daughter from an affair- I'm the adoptive mom to a child who was also from an affair.
Do you have any advice as to how/when we should tell her? I know that our situations are different in that we have an added issue of adoption. What would've been most comforting, yet truthful to you to hear? I assume that my husband and I will seek counseling when our child gets older to help us with this (there are also other difficult things with her adoption).
Thanks.
Are you saying your DH cheated and you're now raising his daughter?
No, not at all. Together we adopted a child (not bio related) who was the result of an affair. If my wording about my husband and I seeking counseling was confusing, I apologize. I meant that we will seek adoption-specific counseling that will help guide us as we tell our child about her origins.
Is it a closed adoption? In your case the affair might just be an extra painful detail that isn't necessary for her to understand where she came from, rather than an essential one.
Yes, it is a closed adoption. The affair was the whole reason she was placed for adoption- I'm not sure concealing it would be possible. In any case, I believe she has the right to her file eventually, and in it, the affair is laid out in pretty bare details. And even if we dont tell her ourselves (which I think we should, at an age-appropriate time), she most likely will one day seek her file, which we have a copy of some of the info, and she'll see even more details that what we know.
Anonymous
02/05/2013 18:08
Subject: Re:What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:PP who is the daughter from an affair- I'm the adoptive mom to a child who was also from an affair.
Do you have any advice as to how/when we should tell her? I know that our situations are different in that we have an added issue of adoption. What would've been most comforting, yet truthful to you to hear? I assume that my husband and I will seek counseling when our child gets older to help us with this (there are also other difficult things with her adoption).
Thanks.
Are you saying your DH cheated and you're now raising his daughter?
No, not at all. Together we adopted a child (not bio related) who was the result of an affair. If my wording about my husband and I seeking counseling was confusing, I apologize. I meant that we will seek adoption-specific counseling that will help guide us as we tell our child about her origins.
Is it a closed adoption? In your case the affair might just be an extra painful detail that isn't necessary for her to understand where she came from, rather than an essential one.
Anonymous
02/05/2013 17:56
Subject: Re:What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:PP who is the daughter from an affair- I'm the adoptive mom to a child who was also from an affair.
Do you have any advice as to how/when we should tell her? I know that our situations are different in that we have an added issue of adoption. What would've been most comforting, yet truthful to you to hear? I assume that my husband and I will seek counseling when our child gets older to help us with this (there are also other difficult things with her adoption).
Thanks.
Are you saying your DH cheated and you're now raising his daughter?
No, not at all. Together we adopted a child (not bio related) who was the result of an affair. If my wording about my husband and I seeking counseling was confusing, I apologize. I meant that we will seek adoption-specific counseling that will help guide us as we tell our child about her origins.
Anonymous
02/05/2013 17:02
Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Mangled that quote, sorry. +1 was for the above poster, not the boob who thinks men who have unprotected sex shouldn't deal with the consequences.
Sorry, but if women have a choice post-conception, so should men.
She is a year old. It is a little late to kill her now, even if it would be more convenient for a few adults who know how reproduction works.
Anonymous
02/05/2013 16:51
Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Anonymous wrote:Mangled that quote, sorry. +1 was for the above poster, not the boob who thinks men who have unprotected sex shouldn't deal with the consequences.
Sorry, but if women have a choice post-conception, so should men.
Anonymous
02/05/2013 16:51
Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No. All that man is obligated to do is to provide financial help. Men have rights too and he did not want this child. He has taken financial responsibility for having unprotected sex. OP now has the responsibility of living with her decision. If my DH fathered an illegitimate child, he pays but I do not want that child in my family and I'll be damned if I would pay one penny for her. It is OP's problem, not his.
Well, most of the rest of us aren't monsters.
No, not monsters. Realists.
Both men and women have to face consequences when birth control fails. But let's be honest: women hold more power.
If a woman gets pregnant and the man makes it clear he's not interested in being a father, he should not be obligated to raise the child. It's a very unfair system that I hope gets changed.
Yes, she should undergo a medical procedure that could kill her or prevent her from ever possibily having children becasue the man she slept with didnt know where babies come from......!!!
Oh, stop with the dramatics.
What about guy who *wants* the baby, but the woman doesn't and she terminates? Feel any sympathy for him?
Anonymous
02/05/2013 16:50
Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No. All that man is obligated to do is to provide financial help. Men have rights too and he did not want this child. He has taken financial responsibility for having unprotected sex. OP now has the responsibility of living with her decision. If my DH fathered an illegitimate child, he pays but I do not want that child in my family and I'll be damned if I would pay one penny for her. It is OP's problem, not his.
Well, most of the rest of us aren't monsters.
No, not monsters. Realists.
Both men and women have to face consequences when birth control fails. But let's be honest: women hold more power.
If a woman gets pregnant and the man makes it clear he's not interested in being a father, he should not be obligated to raise the child. It's a very unfair system that I hope gets changed.
Oh, stop with the dramatics.
What about guy who *wants* the baby, but the woman doesn't and she terminates? Feel any sympathy for him?
Yes, she should undergo a medical procedure that could kill her or prevent her from ever possibily having children becasue the man she slept with didnt know where babies come from......!!!
Anonymous
02/05/2013 16:49
Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. What is the "right" thing to do at this point?
Well, at this point your daughter is 1, so I doubt you have to tell her anything right now.
Other than providing financial support (which I actually don't agree with), the biological father owes you and your daughter nothing so trying to force him in her life is unfair and will likely have bad results. He didn't want the baby, you did. Now, it's time for you to raise the child.
When your DD gets to an age where she asks about her father you can tell her some version of the truth. When you decided to give birth against his wishes, you decided to handle all this on your own. Now get to it.
Op ignore this dumb bitter person. You tell her the truth as she can understand. Families all different sizes, I love you, its just us for now...When she hits a certain age and only you will know maturity wise get him on the phone and make him explain to her. The trump card of you not going public now is this... he doesnt answer her he can answer the press and his wonderful wife can explain to her friends and family what a wonderful upstanding man she's been married to all these years.
Actually, your advice sucks and you sound very vindictive (you even sound snarky about the wife...are you an OW?). Why on earth would you want to force this man's attention on a child he's clearly not interested in? Whether you like it or not, you can't force this man to feel any paternal love for his child and, other than forcing him to pay child support, you can't "make" him see/talk to the child.
Anonymous
02/05/2013 16:04
Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Mangled that quote, sorry. +1 was for the above poster, not the boob who thinks men who have unprotected sex shouldn't deal with the consequences.
Anonymous
02/05/2013 16:02
Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No. All that man is obligated to do is to provide financial help. Men have rights too and he did not want this child. He has taken financial responsibility for having unprotected sex. OP now has the responsibility of living with her decision. If my DH fathered an illegitimate child, he pays but I do not want that child in my family and I'll be damned if I would pay one penny for her. It is OP's problem, not his.
Well, most of the rest of us aren't monsters.
No, not monsters. Realists.
Both men and women have to face consequences when birth control fails. But let's be honest: women hold more power.
If a woman gets pregnant and the man makes it clear he's not interested in being a father, he should not be obligated to raise the child. It's a very unfair system that I hope gets changed.
+1.
PP, unfair system??? It is biology. Suck it up.
Yes, she should undergo a medical procedure that could kill her or prevent her from ever possibily having children becasue the man she slept with didnt know where babies come from......!!!
Anonymous
02/05/2013 15:52
Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No. All that man is obligated to do is to provide financial help. Men have rights too and he did not want this child. He has taken financial responsibility for having unprotected sex. OP now has the responsibility of living with her decision. If my DH fathered an illegitimate child, he pays but I do not want that child in my family and I'll be damned if I would pay one penny for her. It is OP's problem, not his.
Well, most of the rest of us aren't monsters.
No, not monsters. Realists.
Both men and women have to face consequences when birth control fails. But let's be honest: women hold more power.
If a woman gets pregnant and the man makes it clear he's not interested in being a father, he should not be obligated to raise the child. It's a very unfair system that I hope gets changed.
Yes, she should undergo a medical procedure that could kill her or prevent her from ever possibily having children becasue the man she slept with didnt know where babies come from......!!!