Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[
+1 DING DING DING! My DH would get a lot more from me if he didn't A) try to initiate when I am already falling asleep, B) make a fucking effort to hire a babysitter or schedule dates and B) not stay up after me or sleep in on the weekend when I am up at 7am with my son. If you want sex, get the fuck up before I have a preschooler running around. Otherwise, quit bitching. There's only so many hours in the day and I am not doing it at 11pm on a weeknight when I have been up since 5:30 and have to work in the morning. I need sleep. Get over it.

THIS.

OP here. It's not fair that that DH would sleep in, i agree. But having to hire a sitter to go on a date as a pre-requisite to sex is freaking ridiculous. sex is as important as sleep, except maybe to a LD spouse.

If I wanted to date, I wouldn't have gotten married

So you don't want to spend anytime with your spouse doing things you both enjoy? Trying new restaurants, listening to live music, etc? You don't wait a friendship, too? Just a fuck buddy. Wow. You "HD" spouses sound like total raging dicks - literally and figuratively.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. We have a 4yo and a 4 mo. Before #2 came along, #1 was mommy this mommy that, I want mommy. Pretty typical I guess. Naturally, mommy had the bulk of the child care activities. Since #2 came along, I've taken over the care of #1 (yes, it's wayyyy easier than a newborn, i know). #2 also seems to be consoled by mommy only so guess who gets all the carrying duties? Mommy of course. I get that she's tired. I don't really know what else to do.

At 4mos out from childbirth, I was just coming off a period of crying in my PJs with leaking breasts, wacky hormones, and roughed-up lady parts. Hell, my son didn't even latch and BF until he was 2 mos old, and he woke every hour or two all night long for months.

OP, you need a reality check. I'm sorry, but this is life with little kids. Not many couples are getting it on 5x a week during this time period.

Actually, I would be happy with 1-2 times a week. Even I know 5 times a week is impossible (for us anyway)

Jesus, OP, I was prepared to be somewhat sympathetic, but you've revealed yourself to be either utterly clueless or a true asshole. At four months out, many women find sex very painful. Can I repeat that - PAINFUL. As in rips and episiomotomies and healing of scars. Most couples I know, even the most HD, were not having any sex for the first 2 months, and then fairly limited sex until 4 or even 6 mos depending on DW's physical condition. I can't believe your response to this "reality check" is to say you'd be OK with 2 times a week. I realize you are no doubt reacting to perhaps a sexless spell before DC #2 came along, but, Jesus, listen to yourself... Seriously, you are part of the problem here.

No, he's right to be concerned. He said things weren't good before child #2. So, to blame the current dry spell on child #2 and changes to the body is ignoring past history. They've gotta start working on this stuff now. It may be that you've got the body stuff from child #2 on top of whatever else was going on for the four years prior. But, once the exhaustion and body issues dissipate as the 4 month old gets older, the old issues will still be there.

I followed the do-nothing except try to be helpful plan, and it just led to resentment. Being helpful is good. Being patient is good. But, it *has* to be coupled with a deep understanding by the LD spouse that sex is important. Sex is not a childish frivolity that can be ignored by "grown ups." (How many posts here have told OP to "grow up" or "be mature"?) Blowing off sex as unimportant is damaging to a marriage.

It doesn't have to be every day, on a schedule, or anywhere near the frequency that the HD spouse would prefer. But it has to remain a priority to the LD spouse, otherwise the marriage suffers. For example, I can't earn enough money to buy my family everything it wants. Nevertheless, providing for my family remains a priority. If we can't afford something we'd like, but my family sees that I'm busting my ass, then it's no big deal. But, if we couldn't afford something important and my family saw me laying on the couch or devoting a bunch of time to a hobby that's not at all lucrative, the resentments would build.

In my case, I patiently waited with very little sex through the pregnancy because, hey, pregnancy is different. I patiently waited as the kids were young because, hey, little kids are tough. But, when our youngest turned 7 and our sex life hadn't rebounded a light went on. First I was kind of passive-aggressive about it, probably because I was too shy about sex to talk about it to my wife. Eventually, we had a talk. It made her sad, and it made me sad to make her sad, but I think it impressed upon her that our lack of a sex life (usually about once a month, occasionally up to two months without) was really a drag on our otherwise very good marriage. She started reading books about mismatched libidos, she started showing me affection in other ways (telling me when she thinks I look good, smacking my ass playfully in the kitchen, random back scratches), and generally showed me she cared about me as something other than a wallet and child care contributor. The frequency of sex is probably only up a little, but my attitude is much improved simply because I can see that our love life is a priority to her. And, of course, my improved attitude makes her like me better and more inclined to want to have sex with me. Virtuous cycle!

OP here. omg! Are you me? thank you. Really. thank you.

Anonymous wrote:I'd be the LD spouse if I were married to some of the angry, angry people in here. Makes me happy to be married to my DW, even if her libido is not what it once was.

It can be a vicious circle. Anger -> no sex -> less affection -> anger -> rinse -> repeat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So you don't want to spend anytime with your spouse doing things you both enjoy? Trying new restaurants, listening to live music, etc? You don't wait a friendship, too? Just a fuck buddy. Wow. You "HD" spouses sound like total raging dicks - literally and figuratively.

OP here. If DW wanted to do any of that sort of thing, I would do it. I have never said no to something that she wanted to do/go/see on the weekends. All i want, the only thing i want is more sex.

Anonymous wrote:
So you don't want to spend anytime with your spouse doing things you both enjoy? Trying new restaurants, listening to live music, etc? You don't wait a friendship, too? Just a fuck buddy. Wow. You "HD" spouses sound like total raging dicks - literally and figuratively.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[
+1 DING DING DING! My DH would get a lot more from me if he didn't A) try to initiate when I am already falling asleep, B) make a fucking effort to hire a babysitter or schedule dates and B) not stay up after me or sleep in on the weekend when I am up at 7am with my son. If you want sex, get the fuck up before I have a preschooler running around. Otherwise, quit bitching. There's only so many hours in the day and I am not doing it at 11pm on a weeknight when I have been up since 5:30 and have to work in the morning. I need sleep. Get over it.

THIS.

OP here. It's not fair that that DH would sleep in, i agree. But having to hire a sitter to go on a date as a pre-requisite to sex is freaking ridiculous. sex is as important as sleep, except maybe to a LD spouse.

Did I say it was a pre-requisite? No. What it is is a demonstration that you care about maintaining your relationship and your connection beyond sex. I am the one who said you men are stupid as hell when it comes to women, and you are proving my point. I am guessing that no matter what your wife might say if you talked to her about this, you would discount her POV, her needs and just feel put upon. I don't feel sorry for you in the slightest.

Self-righteousness and condescension are sexy as hell. A date night to hear about how stupid I am would get me all revved up.

Now who's making excuses? Are you not willing to admit that your attitude is part of the problem? I have a hard time believing that your wife hasn't picked up on the tone you are using here, which isn't "sexy as hell" either. My original assessment stands - ASS extraordinaire.

OP here. While i didn't post that comment, I won't disagree with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[
+1 DING DING DING! My DH would get a lot more from me if he didn't A) try to initiate when I am already falling asleep, B) make a fucking effort to hire a babysitter or schedule dates and B) not stay up after me or sleep in on the weekend when I am up at 7am with my son. If you want sex, get the fuck up before I have a preschooler running around. Otherwise, quit bitching. There's only so many hours in the day and I am not doing it at 11pm on a weeknight when I have been up since 5:30 and have to work in the morning. I need sleep. Get over it.

THIS.

OP here. It's not fair that that DH would sleep in, i agree. But having to hire a sitter to go on a date as a pre-requisite to sex is freaking ridiculous. sex is as important as sleep, except maybe to a LD spouse.

Did I say it was a pre-requisite? No. What it is is a demonstration that you care about maintaining your relationship and your connection beyond sex. I am the one who said you men are stupid as hell when it comes to women, and you are proving my point. I am guessing that no matter what your wife might say if you talked to her about this, you would discount her POV, her needs and just feel put upon. I don't feel sorry for you in the slightest.

You did say your DH would get a lot more if B). Sounds like a pre-req. I'm sure you're the foremost expert on men too.

Right. I said that because anytime we go out together, it is because I have made the plans and arranged for the babysitter. So the whole planning of it is yet more things on my to-do list. YOU (meaning any DH) making the effort to create adult time demonstrates that you give a damn beyond sex. And no, I am probably not a man expert, but let's face it - you guys are pretty basic. Naked woman = erection.

So if he make the plans and hires the sitter, you're sure to put out that night? And if he makes the plans for every night, you're going to put out ever night right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[
+1 DING DING DING! My DH would get a lot more from me if he didn't A) try to initiate when I am already falling asleep, B) make a fucking effort to hire a babysitter or schedule dates and B) not stay up after me or sleep in on the weekend when I am up at 7am with my son. If you want sex, get the fuck up before I have a preschooler running around. Otherwise, quit bitching. There's only so many hours in the day and I am not doing it at 11pm on a weeknight when I have been up since 5:30 and have to work in the morning. I need sleep. Get over it.

THIS.

OP here. It's not fair that that DH would sleep in, i agree. But having to hire a sitter to go on a date as a pre-requisite to sex is freaking ridiculous. sex is as important as sleep, except maybe to a LD spouse.

Did I say it was a pre-requisite? No. What it is is a demonstration that you care about maintaining your relationship and your connection beyond sex. I am the one who said you men are stupid as hell when it comes to women, and you are proving my point. I am guessing that no matter what your wife might say if you talked to her about this, you would discount her POV, her needs and just feel put upon. I don't feel sorry for you in the slightest.

Self-righteousness and condescension are sexy as hell. A date night to hear about how stupid I am would get me all revved up.

Now who's making excuses? Are you not willing to admit that your attitude is part of the problem? I have a hard time believing that your wife hasn't picked up on the tone you are using here, which isn't "sexy as hell" either. My original assessment stands - ASS extraordinaire.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Oh yes, the old "give me a BJ" line. As if I am under some obligation when I am taking care of an infant, breasts leaking, using Tucks pads and not sleeping for more than 3-4 hours at a stretch. Go masturbate - I'm not adding your BJ to my list of to do's.

Is this excuse still valid once the child is 1yo? or 2yo? or 3yo?

No, but go read 12:02 and that will give you a sense of why many of us continue to not feel inclined. When you approach me all accusatory that I am not meeting your needs and that you need a physical release what do you expect my reaction to be? It's the selfish asshole approach. If you made one iota of effort to say the things that 12:02 suggests that would get you a lot farther.

You men are really stupid - bottom line. You just have a glaring lack of understanding how women work if you don't get this. I am not a sex machine. If you want me to want it, learn how to turn me on with more than just your tongue. I need some feeling behind it, otherwise I'm just going through the motions. Is that what you really want? That's called a prostitute.

It sounds as if you're implying that men are solely responsible for bring sex to the table in a marriage. Why is it that men have to turn women on? In a marriage, is the women excused for having to turn the men on?

Like it's that hard. My DH could go at it while I am changing my clothes.

Plus, if you want sex, shouldn't you at least try to make it enjoyable for your wife? You want a faker? Like I said, get a damned prostitute then. If you want a real connection, then create it. Or stop bitching.

But she enjoys it...when she has it. So what now ?

Try to maintain aspects of your relationship outside of sex. Going out on a limb here but I'm guessing you're neglecting all of that. And I'm not talking about helping out around the house - you don't get points for helping to take care of your own children and your own home. Again, go back and read 12:02. S/he basically gave you a script - go practice.

Understood. But what's the women doing to maintain the relationship? If sex is the only thing the man needs (andrather than walks in the parks, dates,....) why wouldn't you give hiim the one thing that he needs?

I'm personally not interested in maintaining a relationship with someone who only wants sex from me. But whatever floats your boat honey. I'd rather be alone.

Not the OP, but you really seem to hate sex. Maybe your DH just isn't doing it for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[
+1 DING DING DING! My DH would get a lot more from me if he didn't A) try to initiate when I am already falling asleep, B) make a fucking effort to hire a babysitter or schedule dates and B) not stay up after me or sleep in on the weekend when I am up at 7am with my son. If you want sex, get the fuck up before I have a preschooler running around. Otherwise, quit bitching. There's only so many hours in the day and I am not doing it at 11pm on a weeknight when I have been up since 5:30 and have to work in the morning. I need sleep. Get over it.

THIS.

OP here. It's not fair that that DH would sleep in, i agree. But having to hire a sitter to go on a date as a pre-requisite to sex is freaking ridiculous. sex is as important as sleep, except maybe to a LD spouse.

If I wanted to date, I wouldn't have gotten married

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[
+1 DING DING DING! My DH would get a lot more from me if he didn't A) try to initiate when I am already falling asleep, B) make a fucking effort to hire a babysitter or schedule dates and B) not stay up after me or sleep in on the weekend when I am up at 7am with my son. If you want sex, get the fuck up before I have a preschooler running around. Otherwise, quit bitching. There's only so many hours in the day and I am not doing it at 11pm on a weeknight when I have been up since 5:30 and have to work in the morning. I need sleep. Get over it.

THIS.

OP here. It's not fair that that DH would sleep in, i agree. But having to hire a sitter to go on a date as a pre-requisite to sex is freaking ridiculous. sex is as important as sleep, except maybe to a LD spouse.

Did I say it was a pre-requisite? No. What it is is a demonstration that you care about maintaining your relationship and your connection beyond sex. I am the one who said you men are stupid as hell when it comes to women, and you are proving my point. I am guessing that no matter what your wife might say if you talked to her about this, you would discount her POV, her needs and just feel put upon. I don't feel sorry for you in the slightest.

You did say your DH would get a lot more if B). Sounds like a pre-req. I'm sure you're the foremost expert on men too.

Right. I said that because anytime we go out together, it is because I have made the plans and arranged for the babysitter. So the whole planning of it is yet more things on my to-do list. YOU (meaning any DH) making the effort to create adult time demonstrates that you give a damn beyond sex. And no, I am probably not a man expert, but let's face it - you guys are pretty basic. Naked woman = erection.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Oh yes, the old "give me a BJ" line. As if I am under some obligation when I am taking care of an infant, breasts leaking, using Tucks pads and not sleeping for more than 3-4 hours at a stretch. Go masturbate - I'm not adding your BJ to my list of to do's.

Is this excuse still valid once the child is 1yo? or 2yo? or 3yo?

No, but go read 12:02 and that will give you a sense of why many of us continue to not feel inclined. When you approach me all accusatory that I am not meeting your needs and that you need a physical release what do you expect my reaction to be? It's the selfish asshole approach. If you made one iota of effort to say the things that 12:02 suggests that would get you a lot farther.

You men are really stupid - bottom line. You just have a glaring lack of understanding how women work if you don't get this. I am not a sex machine. If you want me to want it, learn how to turn me on with more than just your tongue. I need some feeling behind it, otherwise I'm just going through the motions. Is that what you really want? That's called a prostitute.

It sounds as if you're implying that men are solely responsible for bring sex to the table in a marriage. Why is it that men have to turn women on? In a marriage, is the women excused for having to turn the men on?

Like it's that hard. My DH could go at it while I am changing my clothes.

Plus, if you want sex, shouldn't you at least try to make it enjoyable for your wife? You want a faker? Like I said, get a damned prostitute then. If you want a real connection, then create it. Or stop bitching.

But she enjoys it...when she has it. So what now ?

Try to maintain aspects of your relationship outside of sex. Going out on a limb here but I'm guessing you're neglecting all of that. And I'm not talking about helping out around the house - you don't get points for helping to take care of your own children and your own home. Again, go back and read 12:02. S/he basically gave you a script - go practice.

Understood. But what's the women doing to maintain the relationship? If sex is the only thing the man needs (andrather than walks in the parks, dates,....) why wouldn't you give hiim the one thing that he needs?

I'm personally not interested in maintaining a relationship with someone who only wants sex from me. But whatever floats your boat honey. I'd rather be alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Oh yes, the old "give me a BJ" line. As if I am under some obligation when I am taking care of an infant, breasts leaking, using Tucks pads and not sleeping for more than 3-4 hours at a stretch. Go masturbate - I'm not adding your BJ to my list of to do's.

Is this excuse still valid once the child is 1yo? or 2yo? or 3yo?

No, but go read 12:02 and that will give you a sense of why many of us continue to not feel inclined. When you approach me all accusatory that I am not meeting your needs and that you need a physical release what do you expect my reaction to be? It's the selfish asshole approach. If you made one iota of effort to say the things that 12:02 suggests that would get you a lot farther.

You men are really stupid - bottom line. You just have a glaring lack of understanding how women work if you don't get this. I am not a sex machine. If you want me to want it, learn how to turn me on with more than just your tongue. I need some feeling behind it, otherwise I'm just going through the motions. Is that what you really want? That's called a prostitute.

It sounds as if you're implying that men are solely responsible for bring sex to the table in a marriage. Why is it that men have to turn women on? In a marriage, is the women excused for having to turn the men on?

Like it's that hard. My DH could go at it while I am changing my clothes.

Plus, if you want sex, shouldn't you at least try to make it enjoyable for your wife? You want a faker? Like I said, get a damned prostitute then. If you want a real connection, then create it. Or stop bitching.

But she enjoys it...when she has it. So what now ?

Try to maintain aspects of your relationship outside of sex. Going out on a limb here but I'm guessing you're neglecting all of that. And I'm not talking about helping out around the house - you don't get points for helping to take care of your own children and your own home. Again, go back and read 12:02. S/he basically gave you a script - go practice.

Understood. But what's the women doing to maintain the relationship? If sex is the only thing the man needs (andrather than walks in the parks, dates,....) why wouldn't you give hiim the one thing that he needs?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[
+1 DING DING DING! My DH would get a lot more from me if he didn't A) try to initiate when I am already falling asleep, B) make a fucking effort to hire a babysitter or schedule dates and B) not stay up after me or sleep in on the weekend when I am up at 7am with my son. If you want sex, get the fuck up before I have a preschooler running around. Otherwise, quit bitching. There's only so many hours in the day and I am not doing it at 11pm on a weeknight when I have been up since 5:30 and have to work in the morning. I need sleep. Get over it.

THIS.

OP here. It's not fair that that DH would sleep in, i agree. But having to hire a sitter to go on a date as a pre-requisite to sex is freaking ridiculous. sex is as important as sleep, except maybe to a LD spouse.

Did I say it was a pre-requisite? No. What it is is a demonstration that you care about maintaining your relationship and your connection beyond sex. I am the one who said you men are stupid as hell when it comes to women, and you are proving my point. I am guessing that no matter what your wife might say if you talked to her about this, you would discount her POV, her needs and just feel put upon. I don't feel sorry for you in the slightest.

Self-righteousness and condescension are sexy as hell. A date night to hear about how stupid I am would get me all revved up.