Anonymous
Post 06/26/2012 23:57     Subject: Should I contact birth child?
Anonymous wrote:OP here again - I assure you I harbor no guilt. Giving a child to a family that is better equipped to offer the child a better life is natural and as old as human civilization.

I figure I will probably be able find some way of sending an open letter to her via a 3rd party- with some brief information about myself, my health, and include my email address for further contact if she has more questions.

I do feel badly about not being ready to "deal" at the time she attempted to contact me previously. I really had not thought at all about contact, as I literally had sealed that envelope. I have had 5+ years to think about it now and feel better prepared.

I was not offering to merely share photos via FB; it seemed like an opening and a way for her to view photos of me without having to make personal contact if she didn't really want to. I know that adopted children get curious about the health/genetic traits of their birth parents.

I am not able to find contact info for her outside of FB. Also, at one point, i saw that she was FB "friends" with the birth father! So that's why i considered FB. However I have decided to proceed through a 3rd party.

I do appreciate all the feedback. it's been helpful - especially from people who have direct experience w/adoption.


If you are friendly or can be with her birthfather, then why don't you contact him and see if he knows her position on contact with you.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2012 23:55     Subject: Should I contact birth child?

I used the wrong terminology. Sue me. Your focus on the terminology still does not address how the OP actions since the time the child contacted her and her intended way of contacting her child may be hurtful. Why can't it be compared??. You made a conclusory statement with no explanation probably because it is not true.


Because there is a difference and if you don't know that then you don't understand adoption. A birthparents wishes should be considered. Its ok if she was not ready at the time and is now. No, I don't see what the issue is. She made the best choice she could at the time and wasn't ready to reopen things given her current situation.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2012 23:33     Subject: Re:Should I contact birth child?
I was not offering to merely share photos via FB; it seemed like an opening and a way for her to view photos of me without having to make personal contact if she didn't really want to. I know that adopted children get curious about the health/genetic traits of their birth parents


Thank you for clarifying that - the way that it was initially described sounded very strange. I think your decision to go with a letter instead is a good one. I know it isn't exactly comparable, but I have had experiences where estranged family members have reached out over facebook, and something about the fact that the contact occurred over a social media site made it feel more awkward. Good luck, and I hope that you get the result that you are hoping for.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2012 23:03     Subject: Should I contact birth child?
I'm an adoptive parent of a preschooler. I think--often--about my child's birthparents as we know nothing about them. So I can only imagine how my child will feel when they are of the age when they have these types of thoughts. The opportunity to hear from a birthparent is something that many (most?) adoptive children would appreciate, I think.

I actually have found this thread to be sad to read as this feels very personal for me.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2012 22:13     Subject: Should I contact birth child?
OP here again - I assure you I harbor no guilt. Giving a child to a family that is better equipped to offer the child a better life is natural and as old as human civilization.

I figure I will probably be able find some way of sending an open letter to her via a 3rd party- with some brief information about myself, my health, and include my email address for further contact if she has more questions.

I do feel badly about not being ready to "deal" at the time she attempted to contact me previously. I really had not thought at all about contact, as I literally had sealed that envelope. I have had 5+ years to think about it now and feel better prepared.

I was not offering to merely share photos via FB; it seemed like an opening and a way for her to view photos of me without having to make personal contact if she didn't really want to. I know that adopted children get curious about the health/genetic traits of their birth parents.

I am not able to find contact info for her outside of FB. Also, at one point, i saw that she was FB "friends" with the birth father! So that's why i considered FB. However I have decided to proceed through a 3rd party.

I do appreciate all the feedback. it's been helpful - especially from people who have direct experience w/adoption.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2012 21:15     Subject: Should I contact birth child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The problem with the forums, texts, emails, etc. is that it is impossible to fully understand the writer's meaning without seeing body language, voice inflection, tone, etc. I don't think that any of us can get inside OPs head and "know" with the certainty that many are suggesting that she has not concern for the thoughts of feelings of her biological daughter. "Going to college" does not necessarily equate to being an artful writer. It is quite dangerous to assume that you know someone's intent or fully understand what is going on in their mind. I have to question, whether a substantial amount of the vitriol is coming from women who are judging the OP for have made the choice to place her child for adoption because they cannot imagine having made that choice themselves. As the saying goes, "Walk a mile in her shoes....." For your daughter's sake, OP I hope you ignore all of the nasty posters and give your daughter a chance to meet you if she so choses.


I've been thinking this as well. Possibly because women who have chosen or would choose abortion feel somehow judged or threatened by women who choose life and adoption for their babies.

The act of placing a child for adoption is ultimately an act of love. Since humans are complicated creatures, there may also be fear, or desperation, or denial, or naïveté, or a million other emotions or thoughts at work, but there still comes the moment of goodbye, And any woman who is brave enough to face that moment for the sake of giving her child the gift of life deserves deference and compassion.


I posted previously about how the OP still seemed childish. I am not judging her for having given her child up for adoption. But you all are quick to jump to her defense without thinking about how that child felt with she tried to reach out. Why are you all, not thinking of her? I am coming from a place of being treated badly by my birth parents, who raised me, but still didn't gt why I would be upset about their ill treatment. They made similar comments to the comments that the OP made and my mom "friended" me on facebook so I could see pictures of my family without her actually needing to interact with me. My parents thinking is similar to the OP: I went to law school. I'm fine. So what's the problem? . OP reasoned that her daughter couldn't have felt THAT rejected beause she went to a "gorgeous" university.(emphasis from OP) Really? Because after working up the courage and working through all the human emotions, it wouldn't be hard for her to be contacted by OP after OP rebuffed her? And OP just wants her to view her facebook pics and doens't seem to understand how she could have hurt the daughter and how her request could seem insensitive/indifferent. All of you are ASSUMING that we are judging her for having giving up her child for adoption when that is not true, at least not in my case. Her unwillingness to see the hurt she may produce in this child with her flippant attitude and her previous actions (reecting the initial contact- not the actual adoption) is what I am reacting to . Any child who is brave enough to face that moment of contacting their birth mother who gave them the gift of life deserves deference and compassion. OP, is not willing to give that child that deference.


Your parents raised you. Birthparents are those who gave birth/sperm and placed for adoption. You may not have had a nice childhood or what ever drama there was with your family but you cannot compare the two.


I used the wrong terminology. Sue me. Your focus on the terminology still does not address how the OP actions since the time the child contacted her and her intended way of contacting her child may be hurtful. Why can't it be compared??. You made a conclusory statement with no explanation probably because it is not true.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2012 20:48     Subject: Should I contact birth child?
Probably
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2012 20:47     Subject: Should I contact birth child?
OP, I am 17:57 again. Full disclosure, my dh is adopted. He would not be looking for a parenting relationship just some further information. Perhaps if they were somehow compatible more, but believe me he would be very skeptical of exchanging more than info a few times. He harbors no resentment, just curiosity.
I don't want to speculate on your feelings. Again, if you can do this with an open mind, do it. It may mean quite a bit to her. And when we have the opportunity to do something good for other people we should do it if we can. I wish you peace. I think you are porbably an amazing young woman.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2012 20:42     Subject: Should I contact birth child?
I'm coming at this from the perspective of a parent who has adopted a child. I am immensely grateful to this woman for giving me my wonderful son. If my son tried to contact his birth mother and she were unwilling to talk to him, I would be sad for him, but would understand where she might be coming from. However, if she subsequently randomly decided to reach out through facebook for purposes of photo sharing only, with no explanation as to why, what she was hoping to gain from the relationship, why now as opposed to before, I would be really angry with her for being so strange and inconsiderate.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2012 20:33     Subject: Should I contact birth child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The problem with the forums, texts, emails, etc. is that it is impossible to fully understand the writer's meaning without seeing body language, voice inflection, tone, etc. I don't think that any of us can get inside OPs head and "know" with the certainty that many are suggesting that she has not concern for the thoughts of feelings of her biological daughter. "Going to college" does not necessarily equate to being an artful writer. It is quite dangerous to assume that you know someone's intent or fully understand what is going on in their mind. I have to question, whether a substantial amount of the vitriol is coming from women who are judging the OP for have made the choice to place her child for adoption because they cannot imagine having made that choice themselves. As the saying goes, "Walk a mile in her shoes....." For your daughter's sake, OP I hope you ignore all of the nasty posters and give your daughter a chance to meet you if she so choses.


I've been thinking this as well. Possibly because women who have chosen or would choose abortion feel somehow judged or threatened by women who choose life and adoption for their babies.

The act of placing a child for adoption is ultimately an act of love. Since humans are complicated creatures, there may also be fear, or desperation, or denial, or naïveté, or a million other emotions or thoughts at work, but there still comes the moment of goodbye, And any woman who is brave enough to face that moment for the sake of giving her child the gift of life deserves deference and compassion.


I posted previously about how the OP still seemed childish. I am not judging her for having given her child up for adoption. But you all are quick to jump to her defense without thinking about how that child felt with she tried to reach out. Why are you all, not thinking of her? I am coming from a place of being treated badly by my birth parents, who raised me, but still didn't gt why I would be upset about their ill treatment. They made similar comments to the comments that the OP made and my mom "friended" me on facebook so I could see pictures of my family without her actually needing to interact with me. My parents thinking is similar to the OP: I went to law school. I'm fine. So what's the problem? . OP reasoned that her daughter couldn't have felt THAT rejected beause she went to a "gorgeous" university.(emphasis from OP) Really? Because after working up the courage and working through all the human emotions, it wouldn't be hard for her to be contacted by OP after OP rebuffed her? And OP just wants her to view her facebook pics and doens't seem to understand how she could have hurt the daughter and how her request could seem insensitive/indifferent. All of you are ASSUMING that we are judging her for having giving up her child for adoption when that is not true, at least not in my case. Her unwillingness to see the hurt she may produce in this child with her flippant attitude and her previous actions (reecting the initial contact- not the actual adoption) is what I am reacting to . Any child who is brave enough to face that moment of contacting their birth mother who gave them the gift of life deserves deference and compassion. OP, is not willing to give that child that deference.


Your parents raised you. Birthparents are those who gave birth/sperm and placed for adoption. You may not have had a nice childhood or what ever drama there was with your family but you cannot compare the two.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2012 20:20     Subject: Re:Should I contact birth child?
20:08, you raise good points, but it also could go the other way - her daughter could be fine and understanding or at least accepting of the previous so-called rejection. OP, it seems the best course of action is to get off of DCUM and find a birth mothers' support group where you can work though this issue with other women who've gone through the same thing you have. There's no one monolithic adoption experience- I am an adoptee and adoptive parent and I can only give you my own personal perspective. I wish you well. If I were your daughter, I would be hesitant but curious, and definitely much more in a position to understand why you acted as such.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2012 20:08     Subject: Should I contact birth child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The problem with the forums, texts, emails, etc. is that it is impossible to fully understand the writer's meaning without seeing body language, voice inflection, tone, etc. I don't think that any of us can get inside OPs head and "know" with the certainty that many are suggesting that she has not concern for the thoughts of feelings of her biological daughter. "Going to college" does not necessarily equate to being an artful writer. It is quite dangerous to assume that you know someone's intent or fully understand what is going on in their mind. I have to question, whether a substantial amount of the vitriol is coming from women who are judging the OP for have made the choice to place her child for adoption because they cannot imagine having made that choice themselves. As the saying goes, "Walk a mile in her shoes....." For your daughter's sake, OP I hope you ignore all of the nasty posters and give your daughter a chance to meet you if she so choses.


I've been thinking this as well. Possibly because women who have chosen or would choose abortion feel somehow judged or threatened by women who choose life and adoption for their babies.

The act of placing a child for adoption is ultimately an act of love. Since humans are complicated creatures, there may also be fear, or desperation, or denial, or naïveté, or a million other emotions or thoughts at work, but there still comes the moment of goodbye, And any woman who is brave enough to face that moment for the sake of giving her child the gift of life deserves deference and compassion.


I posted previously about how the OP still seemed childish. I am not judging her for having given her child up for adoption. But you all are quick to jump to her defense without thinking about how that child felt with she tried to reach out. Why are you all, not thinking of her? I am coming from a place of being treated badly by my birth parents, who raised me, but still didn't gt why I would be upset about their ill treatment. They made similar comments to the comments that the OP made and my mom "friended" me on facebook so I could see pictures of my family without her actually needing to interact with me. My parents thinking is similar to the OP: I went to law school. I'm fine. So what's the problem? . OP reasoned that her daughter couldn't have felt THAT rejected beause she went to a "gorgeous" university.(emphasis from OP) Really? Because after working up the courage and working through all the human emotions, it wouldn't be hard for her to be contacted by OP after OP rebuffed her? And OP just wants her to view her facebook pics and doens't seem to understand how she could have hurt the daughter and how her request could seem insensitive/indifferent. All of you are ASSUMING that we are judging her for having giving up her child for adoption when that is not true, at least not in my case. Her unwillingness to see the hurt she may produce in this child with her flippant attitude and her previous actions (reecting the initial contact- not the actual adoption) is what I am reacting to . Any child who is brave enough to face that moment of contacting their birth mother who gave them the gift of life deserves deference and compassion. OP, is not willing to give that child that deference.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2012 19:26     Subject: Should I contact birth child?
Anonymous wrote:NP here and haven't read through, but I would reach out. Be prepared for a hostile response, though, since you abandoned her twice. I have a good friend who reached out to her birth mother and got a similar response that really hurt. However, I know that my friend would be open to future contact but would be very cautious.


Placing a child for adoption is not abandoning a child. Abandoning a child is leaving them somewhere or not returning for them. Just because your friend felt one okay and had one experience does not mean that the OP's daughter will feel the same way.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2012 19:17     Subject: Should I contact birth child?
NP here and haven't read through, but I would reach out. Be prepared for a hostile response, though, since you abandoned her twice. I have a good friend who reached out to her birth mother and got a similar response that really hurt. However, I know that my friend would be open to future contact but would be very cautious.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2012 19:12     Subject: Re:Should I contact birth child?
All of the little bits of these posts that people are picking over seem easily to me the sort of thing I would expect a birth mother to say who has buried "THAT", as some one else quoted OP, as deeply as OP is. Haven't you ever heard anyone rationalize something they still felt bad about before? She had a good life in a nice family (so it wasn't so bad, what I did). Since she had a nice family she can't feel that bad about me (and what I did).

I have not posted before, and in fact I have read this post as an education. I'm not adopted. I have all of the children I conceived. Some of my husband's cousins are adopted, and I haven't discussed topics like this with them, and I never thought about it from the BM perspective before.

But it is pretty plain to me that OP is a mother. I recognize in her posts those feelings we all put upon ourselves with the first drop of pregnancy hormones. To me, she isn't callous. She is rationalizing guilt. When her daughter tried to contact her before, it upset the applecart and I am sure she wanted just to close the door firmly again. I think it isn't so easy to deal with feelings like that straight away. Many of us, I'm sure, have things we have avoided dealing with our entire lives.

I would like to thank the adoptees and the birth mothers and adoptive mothers (and even PenguinSix) for the very interesting and smart posts here, and I too hope OP has taken the good and thoughtful posts here and ignored the bad.