Anonymous wrote:Who is “making fun”? What is family for if you can’t feel comfortable asking for something personal and deeply important to you? These aren’t neighbors or coworkers.

My sister asking me to be her surrogate was a bit awkward and I felt somewhat guilty saying no. But damn, I’d never fault my sister for even asking. It’s something that mattered to her a lot.

There's one making fun right at the top of this page.

I am glad you and your sister were able to work it out, sincerely.

Who is “making fun”? What is family for if you can’t feel comfortable asking for something personal and deeply important to you? These aren’t neighbors or coworkers.

My sister asking me to be her surrogate was a bit awkward and I felt somewhat guilty saying no. But damn, I’d never fault my sister for even asking. It’s something that mattered to her a lot.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]Either the DNA connection to a child is deeply meaningful or it isn’t. If it’s this meaningful to OP’s sister, she should understand why it’s meaningful to OP as well.[/b] If the idea of not having a genetic connection to the child you’re raising is painful, you should be able to understand that the idea of having someone else raise your biological offspring is also potentially painful.[/quote]

NP. This is almost word for word what I wanted to write. And fwiw the genetic connection is very important to me and I couldn’t have someone else raising my child. I’d be very uncomfortable with this request and [b]I wouldn’t look at the sister the same way again.[/b][/quote]

You couldn’t look at your sister the same way for merely asking???[/quote]

The PPs explained pretty well why it's not just a mere ask. I don't get how people make it sound like this is the same as asking to borrow the car or to babysit for a weekend (which most on DCUM would complain about and say the sister should have had backup arrangements, lol).[/quote]

I’m the PP who declined to be my sister’s surrogate. I’d feel really, really sad if my sister was so scared of my reaction or the potential of making me feel temporarily uncomfortable that she couldn’t make a gentle request to me about something really important to her.

My sister also asked me to be her children’s legal guardian in the event of her death (to which I freely agreed). That request also isn’t like asking someone to babysit. And everyone knows parents need a legal guardian in the event of death, but rarely do people volunteer. Should we also stigmatize or shame people for asking family members to agree to be legal guardians in the event of a tragedy?[/quote]

PP I see that as completely different. It's not asking someone to give their genetic material and undergo an invasive medical procedure when no one's health is in danger.

I don't go as far as the poster who would never look at her sister the same way again. I can certainly understand and empathize with the ask. But my immediate impression of the OP was sympathy for being put in such an awkward position and I find it just wild that people are making fun of the idea that someone would be uncomfortable being asked something so personal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either the DNA connection to a child is deeply meaningful or it isn’t. If it’s this meaningful to OP’s sister, she should understand why it’s meaningful to OP as well. If the idea of not having a genetic connection to the child you’re raising is painful, you should be able to understand that the idea of having someone else raise your biological offspring is also potentially painful.

NP. This is almost word for word what I wanted to write. And fwiw the genetic connection is very important to me and I couldn’t have someone else raising my child. I’d be very uncomfortable with this request and I wouldn’t look at the sister the same way again.

You couldn’t look at your sister the same way for merely asking???

The PPs explained pretty well why it's not just a mere ask. I don't get how people make it sound like this is the same as asking to borrow the car or to babysit for a weekend (which most on DCUM would complain about and say the sister should have had backup arrangements, lol).

I’m the PP who declined to be my sister’s surrogate. I’d feel really, really sad if my sister was so scared of my reaction or the potential of making me feel temporarily uncomfortable that she couldn’t make a gentle request to me about something really important to her.

My sister also asked me to be her children’s legal guardian in the event of her death (to which I freely agreed). That request also isn’t like asking someone to babysit. And everyone knows parents need a legal guardian in the event of death, but rarely do people volunteer. Should we also stigmatize or shame people for asking family members to agree to be legal guardians in the event of a tragedy?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either the DNA connection to a child is deeply meaningful or it isn’t. If it’s this meaningful to OP’s sister, she should understand why it’s meaningful to OP as well. If the idea of not having a genetic connection to the child you’re raising is painful, you should be able to understand that the idea of having someone else raise your biological offspring is also potentially painful.

NP. This is almost word for word what I wanted to write. And fwiw the genetic connection is very important to me and I couldn’t have someone else raising my child. I’d be very uncomfortable with this request and I wouldn’t look at the sister the same way again.

You couldn’t look at your sister the same way for merely asking???

The PPs explained pretty well why it's not just a mere ask. I don't get how people make it sound like this is the same as asking to borrow the car or to babysit for a weekend (which most on DCUM would complain about and say the sister should have had backup arrangements, lol).

That’s an insane reaction that says a lot about you.

It’s completely fine not to want to donate your donate eggs and to feel guilty about the ask. But the lack of empathy in understanding the ask and apparently the extraordinary discomfort with saying “no” to someone is frankly astounding.

No one is likening this to babysitting. But the suggestion that asking alone is coercive, inappropriate, or akin to suggesting an incestuous relationship is wrong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either the DNA connection to a child is deeply meaningful or it isn’t. If it’s this meaningful to OP’s sister, she should understand why it’s meaningful to OP as well. If the idea of not having a genetic connection to the child you’re raising is painful, you should be able to understand that the idea of having someone else raise your biological offspring is also potentially painful.

NP. This is almost word for word what I wanted to write. And fwiw the genetic connection is very important to me and I couldn’t have someone else raising my child. I’d be very uncomfortable with this request and I wouldn’t look at the sister the same way again.

You couldn’t look at your sister the same way for merely asking???

The PPs explained pretty well why it's not just a mere ask. I don't get how people make it sound like this is the same as asking to borrow the car or to babysit for a weekend (which most on DCUM would complain about and say the sister should have had backup arrangements, lol).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either the DNA connection to a child is deeply meaningful or it isn’t. If it’s this meaningful to OP’s sister, she should understand why it’s meaningful to OP as well. If the idea of not having a genetic connection to the child you’re raising is painful, you should be able to understand that the idea of having someone else raise your biological offspring is also potentially painful.

NP. This is almost word for word what I wanted to write. And fwiw the genetic connection is very important to me and I couldn’t have someone else raising my child. I’d be very uncomfortable with this request and I wouldn’t look at the sister the same way again.

You couldn’t look at your sister the same way for merely asking???

Anonymous wrote:Either the DNA connection to a child is deeply meaningful or it isn’t. If it’s this meaningful to OP’s sister, she should understand why it’s meaningful to OP as well. If the idea of not having a genetic connection to the child you’re raising is painful, you should be able to understand that the idea of having someone else raise your biological offspring is also potentially painful.

Very good point.

Anonymous wrote:Either the DNA connection to a child is deeply meaningful or it isn’t. If it’s this meaningful to OP’s sister, she should understand why it’s meaningful to OP as well. If the idea of not having a genetic connection to the child you’re raising is painful, you should be able to understand that the idea of having someone else raise your biological offspring is also potentially painful.

NP. This is almost word for word what I wanted to write. And fwiw the genetic connection is very important to me and I couldn’t have someone else raising my child. I’d be very uncomfortable with this request and I wouldn’t look at the sister the same way again.

Either the DNA connection to a child is deeply meaningful or it isn’t. If it’s this meaningful to OP’s sister, she should understand why it’s meaningful to OP as well. If the idea of not having a genetic connection to the child you’re raising is painful, you should be able to understand that the idea of having someone else raise your biological offspring is also potentially painful.

Anonymous wrote:I personally think it should be illegal for anyone to ask anything that could conceivably make you feel uncomfortable or guilty. Outrageous!

I’m pretty sure people can feel the weird energy you give off and talk to you as little as possible. Your DNA would be undesirable, so don’t fret.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

DP. I do. I think that you can express to family members your problem. But asking somebody in your family to donate a liver after you've explained that you need a liver, and they did not offer, is narcissistic and selfish. They had a chance to offer and chose not to do so; to pursue it further is terrible behavior.

You’re projecting. You’re also a TERRIBLE person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a deeply personal decision and you have to be fully in board. You're not a bad person if you aren't okay with it.

Some people would be fine with it, some wouldn't, it doesn't make either wrong.

It’s actually not that personal. It’s just DNA. Do you feel the same about giving blood?

No one feels the same way about a pint of their blood as they do about their offspring. Procreating is usually personal.

Anonymous wrote:I personally think it should be illegal for anyone to ask anything that could conceivably make you feel uncomfortable or guilty. Outrageous!

I personally think it should be illegal for anyone to ask anything that could conceivably make you feel uncomfortable or guilty. Outrageous!