Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Do you people read anything? Or are you all lack comprehension skills? She said her mom won't let her be involved. Brother won't tell her how she can help, then calls her up last minute saying he's leaving town.

This is a two way street, people.

I understand op's position. I'm the only girl and the youngest raised in a very sexist, misogynistic family. I was always treated as less than. My brothers would never discuss planning with me and just assume that they give orders and I jump when told. The brothers who live closest to her do not have children. The brothers in charge now are not trustworthy wrt finances and are not making decisions in her best interest. She knows this and knows I look out for her but in every single case she will do what they say. It is impossible.

You have my sympathy op. I'm sorry you are getting so much flack. It is an impossible situation.

Anonymous wrote:Well, it sounds like he's stressed and grieving your parents' decline and he's taking it out on you.

But it does seem like you're not being very proactive. You're waiting to be asked and then telling him it's not a good time. What if you picked a week or long weekend a few months from now, and then he could plan on that?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, imagine your day and everything you have to do for yourself, your spouse and your children, add in a full time job and now add managing a whole separate household and the care for two parents who are clearly in need of extensive medical care in two separate facilities. You can’t understand why they might resent your absence and lack of involvement? You say your parents were abusive, how? If you think calling people up and offering your opinion but not actually doing anything about it I have to agree with your parents and brother, it brings nothing to the table.

+1
In addition to the appointments you have all over your calendar for all the formal stuff, you also have the constant reminder in your head about stopping by to check this or that. Every few days and every single weekend is clouded by that obligation. OP doesn't feel any of that and just flits around making demands.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds EXACTLY like my situation, with dud siblings. The difference is the one nearby did nothing. The one that sounds exactly like you made promises, made noise about helping, but never did.

traveled cross-country several times a year for surgeries, paid for caregivers, listened in on doctor visits and asked questions, wrote a binder for caregivers, negotiated with contractors to redo the bathroom to make it accessible, and on.

You're brother is calling you out and you have the nerve to be defensive. You shouldn't have to "ask" about what you can do. You need to get your @ss on plane, by yourself, and meet with your brother. You need to do what you can to be there when he's going on a well-deserved vacation.

I'm not sure why your brother's question is rattling you. It sounds like you've chosen to not be involved. Of course, you don't have to be involved, but just tell the truth about it and don't get mad when people reflect that truth back to you.

Please do some self-reflection.

I second this!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Do you people read anything? Or are you all lack comprehension skills? She said her mom won't let her be involved. Brother won't tell her how she can help, then calls her up last minute saying he's leaving town.

This is a two way street, people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, imagine your day and everything you have to do for yourself, your spouse and your children, add in a full time job and now add managing a whole separate household and the care for two parents who are clearly in need of extensive medical care in two separate facilities. You can’t understand why they might resent your absence and lack of involvement? You say your parents were abusive, how? If you think calling people up and offering your opinion but not actually doing anything about it I have to agree with your parents and brother, it brings nothing to the table.

Take all of that on the brother's plate then add in OP calling and wanting a run down, second guessing, wanting to do things a different way, and you can see why the brother is irritated because nobody has time for that.

I had a very demanding aunt I volunteered to help at near end of life. She refused to go to the hospital even when she could not get out of bed any longer to care for herself (she had terminal cancer and if you think hospice helps, you don’t know how little time they spend with the patient) The paramedics came at 2 AM because she tried to get out of bed and fell. Two of them pulled me aside and asked it I was alone with her, the sole caretaker. I said yes and they said LEAVE NOW, this is NOT sustainable. She needs to go to the hospital as hospice will not do the 24/7 care she needs (she had no $$ to hire).

My point? Allowing the frail elderly to drive the bus and destroy their families in the process is cruel. After my father died, my mother wanted to go to assisted living. She lived the best 2 last years of her life there, with friends, great meals, and all the activities she wanted. When my sister, brother and I went to visit, we had a blast! Instead of resenting my mother, I made her happy by getting her new clothes, makeup, organizing her bathroom like she wanted (she was wheelchair bound) and enjoying delicious meals with her. The other residents were delightful and I loved going and was sad she was cross country, but happy she was so happy.

If OP’s brother continues to allow himself to be taken advantage of, that’s his own fault. I allowed it with my aunt and ended up with severe anxiety as a result (it’s gone now). I thought I was being kind. I wasn’t. I was enabling. Perhaps OP’s brother, who stands to inherit what’s left of their estate, wants to preserve as much of that as possible. If that’s the case, he does the caretaking.

So much wisdom in this post!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, imagine your day and everything you have to do for yourself, your spouse and your children, add in a full time job and now add managing a whole separate household and the care for two parents who are clearly in need of extensive medical care in two separate facilities. You can’t understand why they might resent your absence and lack of involvement? You say your parents were abusive, how? If you think calling people up and offering your opinion but not actually doing anything about it I have to agree with your parents and brother, it brings nothing to the table.

Take all of that on the brother's plate then add in OP calling and wanting a run down, second guessing, wanting to do things a different way, and you can see why the brother is irritated because nobody has time for that.

I had a very demanding aunt I volunteered to help at near end of life. She refused to go to the hospital even when she could not get out of bed any longer to care for herself (she had terminal cancer and if you think hospice helps, you don’t know how little time they spend with the patient) The paramedics came at 2 AM because she tried to get out of bed and fell. Two of them pulled me aside and asked it I was alone with her, the sole caretaker. I said yes and they said LEAVE NOW, this is NOT sustainable. She needs to go to the hospital as hospice will not do the 24/7 care she needs (she had no $$ to hire).

My point? Allowing the frail elderly to drive the bus and destroy their families in the process is cruel. After my father died, my mother wanted to go to assisted living. She lived the best 2 last years of her life there, with friends, great meals, and all the activities she wanted. When my sister, brother and I went to visit, we had a blast! Instead of resenting my mother, I made her happy by getting her new clothes, makeup, organizing her bathroom like she wanted (she was wheelchair bound) and enjoying delicious meals with her. The other residents were delightful and I loved going and was sad she was cross country, but happy she was so happy.

If OP’s brother continues to allow himself to be taken advantage of, that’s his own fault. I allowed it with my aunt and ended up with severe anxiety as a result (it’s gone now). I thought I was being kind. I wasn’t. I was enabling. Perhaps OP’s brother, who stands to inherit what’s left of their estate, wants to preserve as much of that as possible. If that’s the case, he does the caretaking.

So much wisdom in this post!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, imagine your day and everything you have to do for yourself, your spouse and your children, add in a full time job and now add managing a whole separate household and the care for two parents who are clearly in need of extensive medical care in two separate facilities. You can’t understand why they might resent your absence and lack of involvement? You say your parents were abusive, how? If you think calling people up and offering your opinion but not actually doing anything about it I have to agree with your parents and brother, it brings nothing to the table.

Take all of that on the brother's plate then add in OP calling and wanting a run down, second guessing, wanting to do things a different way, and you can see why the brother is irritated because nobody has time for that.

I had a very demanding aunt I volunteered to help at near end of life. She refused to go to the hospital even when she could not get out of bed any longer to care for herself (she had terminal cancer and if you think hospice helps, you don’t know how little time they spend with the patient) The paramedics came at 2 AM because she tried to get out of bed and fell. Two of them pulled me aside and asked it I was alone with her, the sole caretaker. I said yes and they said LEAVE NOW, this is NOT sustainable. She needs to go to the hospital as hospice will not do the 24/7 care she needs (she had no $$ to hire).

My point? Allowing the frail elderly to drive the bus and destroy their families in the process is cruel. After my father died, my mother wanted to go to assisted living. She lived the best 2 last years of her life there, with friends, great meals, and all the activities she wanted. When my sister, brother and I went to visit, we had a blast! Instead of resenting my mother, I made her happy by getting her new clothes, makeup, organizing her bathroom like she wanted (she was wheelchair bound) and enjoying delicious meals with her. The other residents were delightful and I loved going and was sad she was cross country, but happy she was so happy.

If OP’s brother continues to allow himself to be taken advantage of, that’s his own fault. I allowed it with my aunt and ended up with severe anxiety as a result (it’s gone now). I thought I was being kind. I wasn’t. I was enabling. Perhaps OP’s brother, who stands to inherit what’s left of their estate, wants to preserve as much of that as possible. If that’s the case, he does the caretaking.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He resents you very very much. That will not change.

+1

I feel this way about my sibling. They keep track of nothing.

They always want me to delegate to them.

Mostly, they like to show up at the AL so it looks to the staff like they are doing something. Anything where sibling will be seen by others doing a task is their jam. This makes them feel important.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, imagine your day and everything you have to do for yourself, your spouse and your children, add in a full time job and now add managing a whole separate household and the care for two parents who are clearly in need of extensive medical care in two separate facilities. You can’t understand why they might resent your absence and lack of involvement? You say your parents were abusive, how? If you think calling people up and offering your opinion but not actually doing anything about it I have to agree with your parents and brother, it brings nothing to the table.

Take all of that on the brother's plate then add in OP calling and wanting a run down, second guessing, wanting to do things a different way, and you can see why the brother is irritated because nobody has time for that.

Anonymous wrote:He resents you very very much. That will not change.

Anonymous wrote:OP, imagine your day and everything you have to do for yourself, your spouse and your children, add in a full time job and now add managing a whole separate household and the care for two parents who are clearly in need of extensive medical care in two separate facilities. You can’t understand why they might resent your absence and lack of involvement? You say your parents were abusive, how? If you think calling people up and offering your opinion but not actually doing anything about it I have to agree with your parents and brother, it brings nothing to the table.