Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you Asian and your wife white?

I was thinking the same thing, just not WASP for the white wife.

I actually agree with the OP based on his updates. The FIL isn’t entitled to his SIL’s money. The FIL gave his daughter an informal loan supporting a bad choice to rack up hundreds of thousands in debt for a low paying field. Either the FIL a. isn’t a long term planner/bad with money, b.is controlling and always wanted something over his daughters head or c.wanted her to marry up and have her husbands family compensate him. The FIL is probably not happy his daughter married an Asian.

FIL is blue collar and doesn’t know how to handle money. He spends lavishly while trying to spend a cent on his kids education if he can get away with it.

The wife doesn't get to renege on her word to her parents and keep making one bad choice after another. I mostly blame her for the situation, and OP also sounds a bit controlling.

The FIL obviously KNOWS how to handle money, that's how he became rich and this is why he doesn't pay for his DD family's vacations and restaurant meals! It's normal for adult kids to pay their share once they're earning their own money. My parents certainly are not paying for my meals or vacations and I don't know anyone else who does. We're not super rich, but not super poor either, everyone pays their share, it's not like we go somewhere together every week!

How many families do you know where the parents spend lavishly on themselves but refuse to pay for college?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you Asian and your wife white?

I was thinking the same thing, just not WASP for the white wife.

I actually agree with the OP based on his updates. The FIL isn’t entitled to his SIL’s money. The FIL gave his daughter an informal loan supporting a bad choice to rack up hundreds of thousands in debt for a low paying field. Either the FIL a. isn’t a long term planner/bad with money, b.is controlling and always wanted something over his daughters head or c.wanted her to marry up and have her husbands family compensate him. The FIL is probably not happy his daughter married an Asian.

FIL is blue collar and doesn’t know how to handle money. He spends lavishly while trying to spend a cent on his kids education if he can get away with it.

The wife doesn't get to renege on her word to her parents and keep making one bad choice after another. I mostly blame her for the situation, and OP also sounds a bit controlling.

The FIL obviously KNOWS how to handle money, that's how he became rich and this is why he doesn't pay for his DD family's vacations and restaurant meals! It's normal for adult kids to pay their share once they're earning their own money. My parents certainly are not paying for my meals or vacations and I don't know anyone else who does. We're not super rich, but not super poor either, everyone pays their share, it's not like we go somewhere together every week!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I follow you, OP. What I'm hearing is:

(1) The school loan thing is settled - you were venting on here. I would be mad in your position, too.

(2) The restaurant issue is easily solvable going forward by asking for separate tabs.

(3) The family vacation thing is easily solvable going forward by declining trips that you feel are too expensive. No is a complete response. Let them complain and let it go.

Are you comfortable supporting your wife, or are you mad she's doing nonprofit work? If you're the only one making money, you hold all the cards over how it's spent. You pay the bills. You get to direct how you save or don't save your own money.

Are you mad that the in-laws aren't more charitable with their money? This is not a problem you can solve. It's their money, and they can do with it as they please. On this issue, you have to let it go. Assume nothing from them going forward. You can't change them.

Only financially abusive marriages work this way.

Sounds like he's not okay with her choice to go back to school and then work in a low-paying field. Maybe it was a unilateral decision she made. Plenty of people with conflicting values over finances eventually end up separating finances.

Then they should divorce or get a post nup, not say “I get to say where the money goes because you’re not making money.” That’s not even legally how it works. OP’s income is marital property.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I follow you, OP. What I'm hearing is:

(1) The school loan thing is settled - you were venting on here. I would be mad in your position, too.

(2) The restaurant issue is easily solvable going forward by asking for separate tabs.

(3) The family vacation thing is easily solvable going forward by declining trips that you feel are too expensive. No is a complete response. Let them complain and let it go.

Are you comfortable supporting your wife, or are you mad she's doing nonprofit work? If you're the only one making money, you hold all the cards over how it's spent. You pay the bills. You get to direct how you save or don't save your own money.

Are you mad that the in-laws aren't more charitable with their money? This is not a problem you can solve. It's their money, and they can do with it as they please. On this issue, you have to let it go. Assume nothing from them going forward. You can't change them.

Only financially abusive marriages work this way.

Sounds like he's not okay with her choice to go back to school and then work in a low-paying field. Maybe it was a unilateral decision she made. Plenty of people with conflicting values over finances eventually end up separating finances.

Anonymous wrote:Why is your wife signing up for degrees that are low-paid? Usually when you're good enough, you can get a scholarship for a grad degree. You married someone who is not as smart/ambitious/capable as your side of the family. A mistake. It takes special skill to blow 200K on an OOS and end up with nothing. I also agree that instead of taking your frustrations out on the FIL, who seems a blue-collar guy who built himself up, you should look at your wife. Seems like a dud.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife should be a higher priority to pay for than extended family

Not when it comes to a loan that pre-existed the marriage. That’s between the wife and FIL. I posted early on before OP’s follow up. I still think the bottom line is that wife communicates with FIL about her loan, separate checks at restaurants, and declining vacations is the answer.

It was a controlling d!ck move for FIL to make the entire college cost a loan when his daughter couldn’t qualify for any aid because of his money. I don’t think OP is communicating very well, but that is the heart of it. OP’s family values education and makes sure it happens for everyone in the family. FIL does not and he’s definitely controlling. OP shouldn’t have spoken to FIL about the loan, but I think he did it in a spirit of protecting his wife. I suspect that FIL hasn’t been a wonderful father in other ways.

OP, if/when you get to the point that paying off the loan becomes a small amount for you, I would still give DW the money to do it. Not because FIL deserves it, but so DW doesn’t have to feel indebted and get needled about it. Until that time comes she should just dribble out 5% of her income or something. FIL played a stupid game, let him win a stupid prize.

Anonymous wrote:Your wife should be a higher priority to pay for than extended family

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I follow you, OP. What I'm hearing is:

(1) The school loan thing is settled - you were venting on here. I would be mad in your position, too.

(2) The restaurant issue is easily solvable going forward by asking for separate tabs.

(3) The family vacation thing is easily solvable going forward by declining trips that you feel are too expensive. No is a complete response. Let them complain and let it go.

Are you comfortable supporting your wife, or are you mad she's doing nonprofit work? If you're the only one making money, you hold all the cards over how it's spent. You pay the bills. You get to direct how you save or don't save your own money.

Are you mad that the in-laws aren't more charitable with their money? This is not a problem you can solve. It's their money, and they can do with it as they please. On this issue, you have to let it go. Assume nothing from them going forward. You can't change them.

Only financially abusive marriages work this way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your wife signing up for degrees that are low-paid? Usually when you're good enough, you can get a scholarship for a grad degree. You married someone who is not as smart/ambitious/capable as your side of the family. A mistake. It takes special skill to blow 200K on an OOS and end up with nothing. I also agree that instead of taking your frustrations out on the FIL, who seems a blue-collar guy who built himself up, you should look at your wife. Seems like a dud.

This makes no sense. They are married, so why isn't he paying for this if he agreed to it and is a doctor. I hope this is fake. Marriage is a partnership and it is his responsibility to support her if she's not working.

Anonymous wrote:You told your father-in-law that your wife wouldn’t be paying back a family loan? No wonder he’s pissed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your wife signing up for degrees that are low-paid? Usually when you're good enough, you can get a scholarship for a grad degree. You married someone who is not as smart/ambitious/capable as your side of the family. A mistake. It takes special skill to blow 200K on an OOS and end up with nothing. I also agree that instead of taking your frustrations out on the FIL, who seems a blue-collar guy who built himself up, you should look at your wife. Seems like a dud.

This makes no sense. They are married, so why isn't he paying for this if he agreed to it and is a doctor. I hope this is fake. Marriage is a partnership and it is his responsibility to support her if she's not working.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you Asian and your wife white?

I was thinking the same thing, just not WASP for the white wife.

I actually agree with the OP based on his updates. The FIL isn’t entitled to his SIL’s money. The FIL gave his daughter an informal loan supporting a bad choice to rack up hundreds of thousands in debt for a low paying field. Either the FIL a. isn’t a long term planner/bad with money, b.is controlling and always wanted something over his daughters head or c.wanted her to marry up and have her husbands family compensate him. The FIL is probably not happy his daughter married an Asian.

FIL is blue collar and doesn’t know how to handle money. He spends lavishly while trying to spend a cent on his kids education if he can get away with it.

The wife doesn't get to renege on her word to her parents and keep making one bad choice after another. I mostly blame her for the situation, and OP also sounds a bit controlling.

Anonymous wrote:Why is your wife signing up for degrees that are low-paid? Usually when you're good enough, you can get a scholarship for a grad degree. You married someone who is not as smart/ambitious/capable as your side of the family. A mistake. It takes special skill to blow 200K on an OOS and end up with nothing. I also agree that instead of taking your frustrations out on the FIL, who seems a blue-collar guy who built himself up, you should look at your wife. Seems like a dud.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you Asian and your wife white?

I was thinking the same thing, just not WASP for the white wife.

I actually agree with the OP based on his updates. The FIL isn’t entitled to his SIL’s money. The FIL gave his daughter an informal loan supporting a bad choice to rack up hundreds of thousands in debt for a low paying field. Either the FIL a. isn’t a long term planner/bad with money, b.is controlling and always wanted something over his daughters head or c.wanted her to marry up and have her husbands family compensate him. The FIL is probably not happy his daughter married an Asian.

FIL is blue collar and doesn’t know how to handle money. He spends lavishly while trying to spend a cent on his kids education if he can get away with it.