Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to tie up your money so that it's hard for them to pressure you for. Pay down your debts. Put money in a 401k and then you can use it when you're ready to buy a home. Keep your lifestyle very un-flashy to the extent they can see it. When anyone asks you for money, direct them to other relatives.

yes to this as well

Big NO to the idea of putting money into a 401k with expectation of taking it out to buy home!! That’s not an approach of someone with good money sense.

You’re robbing your future self of retirement resources and also paying huge penalties to take that money out before retirement.

Congratulations on your new job.

Don’t talk about money with the family. Don’t tell them how much you are earning. Don’t tell them your job title.

The sister with the three children can have the state garnish the wages from the father of the three children so that she gets support.

I know a lady in Virginia, who works for the state and her job is to go around and get DNA from men around the state of Virginia for just these type of situations.

Anonymous wrote:I prepared for this

I asked them for their own bank account statements and records of credit card expenses for things they spend their money on.

So far they think that's a wildly intrusive request, even as they want my money.

This takes balls, I'd love to know how exactly you phrased it.

I'm really surprised at the number of posters saying return the laptop. That was a gift and I would never want to set a precedent where someone can pretend they are giving me expensive gifts and then take them back. That is so insulting.

People have got to understand. Do not pay for anyone’s stuff in your family unless you want to. In fact don’t offer money to anyone, ever.

And money should always. Repeat Always flow down from parent to child. Never, ever the other way. The only way to be successful in life is to maintain that.

That’s how you build your own wealth.

Never ever ever ever lend money to anyone ever too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a question. Why is image more important than taking care of your future by building wealth? What do you lose by not having this image?

NP I’d argue that it is wise for a minority woman to take extra steps to present as professional looking in order to succeed in the workplace. She can’t build wealth with successful continued employment. A white or Asian woman can get away with looking dumpy and frumpy, it’s harder for an AA.

Dumpy and frumpy. BS. I've worked with many high level executives who wore no make up and took a minimalist approach to clothing and look. You clearly are a far too influenced by 20 something year old influencer types with too much makeup and not enough brains.

This. Good points all. But consider reading the book "The Millionaire Woman Next Door". It is a little dated at this point, but the author laid out the ideas behind so called "stealth wealth" and "middle class millionaires" decades before those terms became common. In many cases we're our own worst enemies financially because we convince ourselves that show off spending and performative spends is the path to wealth. In reality lifestyle creep can keep you from building financial security long term. Make a list of the things you want to be able to do when you are 40 and 50. And then make a list of the kind of income you will need to attain those bigger goals. Do you want to retire at 65? Or 55? Do you want a vacation every year? Do you want to be a homeowner? How much financial cushion do you need? Do you want to be a parent? Maybe start saving and investing now for college costs in 25 years.

Give gifts you can afford and seem appropriate to you. Do not discuss money and it goes without saying that you “pay yourself first” by taking care of your debt and build savings before all other giving

Put on your life vest first. The tough part is going limited or in some cases no contact for a period of time to enforce the boundaries. It can be very painful if you've grown as a dutiful daughter/sister/aunt, etc. . . What happens afterwards will show their true intentions. In family, work, friends, life invest your energy on what is true and meaningful and not just transactional relationships especially with money.

Sounds like too many people are depending on you for support. Too much expectancy. They want too much of your money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a question. Why is image more important than taking care of your future by building wealth? What do you lose by not having this image?

NP I’d argue that it is wise for a minority woman to take extra steps to present as professional looking in order to succeed in the workplace. She can’t build wealth with successful continued employment. A white or Asian woman can get away with looking dumpy and frumpy, it’s harder for an AA.

Dumpy and frumpy. BS. I've worked with many high level executives who wore no make up and took a minimalist approach to clothing and look. You clearly are a far too influenced by 20 something year old influencer types with too much makeup and not enough brains.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should tell your mom you will pay her back in four installments over the course of the next year. Interest free. Consider the interest your gift.

Give her a box of chocolates for Christmas.

as for your comment here "beauty maintenence and health expenses, things add up quickly."

what are these things? I get a haircut every two months. That's it. Really examine what you are spending money on and decide whether it is worth it. For example, manicures? Not worth it. Cut them short and put either no or zero polish on them. Painted or long or fake nails or viewed as tacky the higher you go up the career ladder. Elaborate nails are for support staff, not executives.

I'm a Black woman. Image is a bit different for us, unfortunately. I always wear natural nails, not long, but they are always painted (a work-appropriate color) since I'm a biter. If they aren't painted, then I'll bite them (sad, but true). My hair is always done professionally, which is $200 monthly. I've taken care of those things on my current salary with no issue. Health wise, due to my medical issues, I may splurge on massages, a gym membership, etc. I don't want to elaborate on what my health issues are so as not to out myself, but I need to have access to a few machines that aren't available in my apartment gym. Those are non negotiables for me.

Glad you are exercising, but the necessity of $200 hair and manicured nails are "thinking poor" mentalities. This is why AAs don't build wealth, even with the same salary.

I'm a retired former "executive". Most successful women where I worked never wasted time on nails or, god forbid, having their eye brows tinted, shaved, whatever. Focusing on those trivial things makes you look trivial and unprofessional. My guess is that you feel like you are better off than the rest of us think you are because you are comparing yourself to your family. Set your goals higher than that.

Anonymous wrote:Given your age and debt, you need to go full Dave Ramsey. You really need to fund retirement pre tax up to the max, pay off all debt, and save a robust er fund for the next medical emergency or job loss. You can use YNAB to allocate all of this. I promise you do not have as much disposable income with the new job as you think and you need to use the extra to protect your future. Good luck and congratulations on the new job!

+1. You are spending a lot on yourself, OP. Between gyms, living alone, beauty, etc. I’m not saying it’s not justified - that’s for you to decide. What you should reflect on is that even without gifts to your family you are spending a lot. You need to go through all your spending and identify where you can cut out items, stretch things longer, or swap for less expensive options.

Lots of good advice here, but I’m not sure OP yet gets her dire financial situation. Chronic health issues and multiple job losses. And she says she stopped posting on social media because she didn’t want her family to see what she is spending money on. That tells me you are spending way too much. I’m generally okay with the grooming and gym expenses but do read Dave Ramsey and tackle your debt and your retirement savings like your life spends on it. You indeed should be living like a pauper until your debt is paid off, your retirement is in decent shape, you have decently large savings (I think you should aim for at least 6-months of living expenses given your health issues and history of job losses) and until you can buy a house/condo.

I think spending money you don’t have on the SAT prep class is a bad idea. If your niece can’t self-study (Khan has live/zoom video small groups and I think one-on-one connect i points with a tutor), why do you think she’s ready to go off to a competitive college? She might be better off doing community college for a year to learn independent habits. Why don’t you tell her that you just found about this awesome program that Khan has and that you will help work with her on it. And if she does well, you will put that money towards her college deposit or similar.

I also think you should pay your mom back for a reasonably priced laptop. Tell her that you are appreciative of her help with that purchase when you needed it, but that you realize that your own financial situation is not strong and that you are going to be 100% focused on getting yourself out of debt so you won’t be able to help again.

And lastly, you admitted that your family has terrible money management skills so any $ you give them is literally just like lighting fire to it. Just picture that fire when you think about giving money to them. Stop the cycle now with your better financial habits and abilities.

Thank you!

Given your age and debt, you need to go full Dave Ramsey. You really need to fund retirement pre tax up to the max, pay off all debt, and save a robust er fund for the next medical emergency or job loss. You can use YNAB to allocate all of this. I promise you do not have as much disposable income with the new job as you think and you need to use the extra to protect your future. Good luck and congratulations on the new job!