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Anonymous wrote:It seems strange that she’s specifically asking to visit when you’re gone. Did she recently divorce and wants to stay there with a new BF?

I’m not the op, but that’s a logical assumption.

It’s gross that she literally asked when WON’T you be there so she can plan to be there then. That’s really offensive and very different from “can we come x dates? Oh, shoot you won’t be there then? Any chance we can still use it?” She’s planning around not seeing you.

This. Very rude. I'd have to think hard about this request. It would depend on how much I'd want to support her in whatever she's going through.

Um…you mean you’d have to evaluate whether or not to support your friend?

Nice.

I’m baffled by the overwhelming response that asking to use a friend’s vacation home is audaciously rude.

It’s fine to ask a good friend…and it’s fine to say no. But most normal people would let a good friend use their place if it was available.

WTH is wrong with people? Dcumlandia is so weird.

Op - it’s less that it’s her and her kids it’s more about asking when I’m not there so she she bring another friend rather than just coming to stay with me.

Think about it: it’s either a romantic interest or a mom of her kid’s friend.

Practically speaking, do you have enough space for everyone? My guess is that you do not…and she knows this.

If she is struggling and this might be the only way she gets a vacation—and if she is really someone you consider a friend—ask yourself why you feel conflicted about accommodating her.

Maybe try this: ask her directly.

“Sally, I was a little surprised that you asked to use the house when we aren’t there rather than visiting us. Is there a reason why?”

You are obviously hurt. Maybe engage to find out her reasons rather than jump to conclusions and summarily shut her down…and risk damaging the friendship.

Honestly, an empty vacation home is just silly to me. I’d err on being generous with a friend.

You are clueless about how people act. Clueless.

Perhaps I just run in different circles.

Regardless, I’d appreciate someone telling me what they are afraid of.

Someone mentioned “snooping.”

Okay.

So what would people find in your house? I can’t think of anything embarrassing in my house (or anything that couldn’t be tossed in a bag and taken with me).

Don’t most people who rent their vacation homes have at least one closet they lock? That’s fairly standard for truly personal items.

You just get more ridiculous with each post. You also do not own a house with nice things.

?

Among my circle of family and friends, there are:

Multimillion dollar homes on beaches, lakes, mountains, etc. in the US, Europe, Caribbean, Med, etc.

I’ve stayed in homes owned by friends and family without the hosts being present. It’s not a big deal. While some homes have caretakers (or legit servants), others do not.

I continue to wonder why anyone worries about a friend damaging their home or rifling through things. It’s just so befuddling to me.

Don’t any of you have friends with places in NYC, London, etc. that are essentially primary residences that they let folks use when they are away? While I’m closer to retirement now, I remember how common it was for friends and family to hit up each other to ask if they could crash with them when we we younger—and that never changed. If people were traveling for work or vacation and their apt was empty, they’d leave a key so they could use it. Heck, I have keys to homes in two different states and one other country and I don’t own any of them.

The trust issues some people have with friends and family are unbelievable. Is it a class thing? Because my friend with a villa in Tuscany lets so many people enjoy her home (and she lives there 4-6 months a year and has never rented it out).

Anonymous wrote:We have a house in the countryside. We often ask our friend to come and visit. She is usually too busy. However she messaged recently and asked when we'd be going away next as she'd love to come and stay while we are gone, with another friend.

The curveball in all of this is that this friend has recently gone through a very hard time, so i want to be a good friend. But something about the request is making me feel a little used.

Am i being selfish? Or is the feeling justified? Would love povs.

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Anonymous wrote:It seems strange that she’s specifically asking to visit when you’re gone. Did she recently divorce and wants to stay there with a new BF?

I’m not the op, but that’s a logical assumption.

It’s gross that she literally asked when WON’T you be there so she can plan to be there then. That’s really offensive and very different from “can we come x dates? Oh, shoot you won’t be there then? Any chance we can still use it?” She’s planning around not seeing you.

This. Very rude. I'd have to think hard about this request. It would depend on how much I'd want to support her in whatever she's going through.

Um…you mean you’d have to evaluate whether or not to support your friend?

Nice.

I’m baffled by the overwhelming response that asking to use a friend’s vacation home is audaciously rude.

It’s fine to ask a good friend…and it’s fine to say no. But most normal people would let a good friend use their place if it was available.

WTH is wrong with people? Dcumlandia is so weird.

Op - it’s less that it’s her and her kids it’s more about asking when I’m not there so she she bring another friend rather than just coming to stay with me.

Think about it: it’s either a romantic interest or a mom of her kid’s friend.

Practically speaking, do you have enough space for everyone? My guess is that you do not…and she knows this.

If she is struggling and this might be the only way she gets a vacation—and if she is really someone you consider a friend—ask yourself why you feel conflicted about accommodating her.

Maybe try this: ask her directly.

“Sally, I was a little surprised that you asked to use the house when we aren’t there rather than visiting us. Is there a reason why?”

You are obviously hurt. Maybe engage to find out her reasons rather than jump to conclusions and summarily shut her down…and risk damaging the friendship.

Honestly, an empty vacation home is just silly to me. I’d err on being generous with a friend.

You are clueless about how people act. Clueless.

Perhaps I just run in different circles.

Regardless, I’d appreciate someone telling me what they are afraid of.

Someone mentioned “snooping.”

Okay.

So what would people find in your house? I can’t think of anything embarrassing in my house (or anything that couldn’t be tossed in a bag and taken with me).

Don’t most people who rent their vacation homes have at least one closet they lock? That’s fairly standard for truly personal items.

You just get more ridiculous with each post. You also do not own a house with nice things.

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Anonymous wrote:I think you may be feeling a little used because this friend asked to bring along another friend (which is kinda rude to do imo.)

However since she went through a tough time, you may want to just let her visit w/her friend but that is entirely at your discretion……

Good luck!

op - you nailed it.

I have been working on mentally trying to get there with being ok with it, but my brain is not letting me. I'm concerned that even if i want to be the kind of person who is not offended by this, i factually am offended by it and therefore will continue to be so while they are at my home and possibly thereafter as well.

You are not a good friend. Own it.