Anonymous wrote:In the end, it is racism/discrimination to claim that one race/ethnicity/religion is acceptable for marriage, even if someone believes they have valid reasons for their beliefs.
If you believe that a human being is not enough to be a member of your family for reasons beyond a person's control (i.e., the color of their skin, the religion of their family of origin), just own it and sit with your discomfort.
I just roll my eyes especially at progressive liberals who claim to be anti-racist and inclusive, and yet blather on about how people should marry within their own race or religion. The intellectual dishonesty and pretzel-twisting logic is astounding.

Ironically, you sound very narrow minded and like you have very limited deep experiences with other cultures

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the end, it is racism/discrimination to claim that one race/ethnicity/religion is acceptable for marriage, even if someone believes they have valid reasons for their beliefs.
If you believe that a human being is not enough to be a member of your family for reasons beyond a person's control (i.e., the color of their skin, the religion of their family of origin), just own it and sit with your discomfort.
I just roll my eyes especially at progressive liberals who claim to be anti-racist and inclusive, and yet blather on about how people should marry within their own race or religion. The intellectual dishonesty and pretzel-twisting logic is astounding.

I don't know what you are going on about.

We live near plenty of recent Eastern European immigrants who would prefer that their child not only marry their ethnicity but even from their region of their country.

But of course you can't bleat racist here

??? Of course it's racist and discriminatory to say that no other person besides one from your race/religion/ethnicity is acceptable for marriage into your family. Just because you're a new immigrant to a new country doesn't make it any less racist or discriminatory. My first gen immigrant parents from East Asia were like this, but thankfully all the kids argued with mom and dad about how that sort of attitude is really unacceptable morally, and we pointed out the irony of choosing to live in a country that is (was?) welcoming of people of all races, religions, and ethnicities only to block out people who didn't share our background from joining our family. Now that my parents are in their 70s, they've become much more inclusive, and I'm proud to say that we have spouses from other backgrounds (Indian, Jewish, and WASP) who are now part of our family. I love how diverse our family has become over the years, and I dare say that my parents have come around and then some, especially now that they see what Trump is doing.

“Allow”? They can do what they want. I don’t own them.

But I can definitely “encourage” them to marry within their culture.

Anonymous wrote:My parents (1st gen) voiced these kinds of ideas when my sibling and I were young/still at home.

Once we became adults, they had much less control.

Now my sibling is in their late 30s, and I think my parents would welcome ANYONE as long as sibling got married.

Desperate times come with desperate measures

Anonymous wrote:In the end, it is racism/discrimination to claim that one race/ethnicity/religion is acceptable for marriage, even if someone believes they have valid reasons for their beliefs.
If you believe that a human being is not enough to be a member of your family for reasons beyond a person's control (i.e., the color of their skin, the religion of their family of origin), just own it and sit with your discomfort.
I just roll my eyes especially at progressive liberals who claim to be anti-racist and inclusive, and yet blather on about how people should marry within their own race or religion. The intellectual dishonesty and pretzel-twisting logic is astounding.

I don't know what you are going on about.

We live near plenty of recent Eastern European immigrants who would prefer that their child not only marry their ethnicity but even from their region of their country.

But of course you can't bleat racist here

My parents (1st gen) voiced these kinds of ideas when my sibling and I were young/still at home.

Once we became adults, they had much less control.

Now my sibling is in their late 30s, and I think my parents would welcome ANYONE as long as sibling got married.

In the end, it is racism/discrimination to claim that one race/ethnicity/religion is acceptable for marriage, even if someone believes they have valid reasons for their beliefs.
If you believe that a human being is not enough to be a member of your family for reasons beyond a person's control (i.e., the color of their skin, the religion of their family of origin), just own it and sit with your discomfort.
I just roll my eyes especially at progressive liberals who claim to be anti-racist and inclusive, and yet blather on about how people should marry within their own race or religion. The intellectual dishonesty and pretzel-twisting logic is astounding.

"My faith is really important to me and it would be nice to share it with my partner."

Horrible racist!

"I will not date someone under 6 ft."

Nice. Good to have standards.

Just wanting something and enforcing it are two different things. People feel comfortable with familiarity. They assume merger would be easier without additional hurdles. Its not necessarily about control.

DD’s ex BF had a tough time trying to tell his dad about their relationship. The dad didn’t openly reject the idea but was passive aggressively discouraging it. He wanted the ex to seriously considered the culture differences and read carefully. He accused DH and I of being too traditional and strict w DD, which is laughable. We had been nothing but open and welcoming to the young man. The ex was shocked that DD told us and her grandparents about the relationship the moment they went steady. In the end, the ex became insecure, possessive and controlling, trying to prove the dad wrong. DD broke off the relationship as she was feeling suffocated. I am wondering if the dad wanted the son to date within their religion.

Anonymous wrote:We are agnostic so I would prefer my child be with someone the same. I do not want her changing who she is to fit into someone else’s religion. I don’t want her convinced there is a giant man in the sky, you go somewhere when you die or you should worship deities. Culturally I don’t care as long as they are not religious which sometimes is a part of culture.

I think you meant to use the word “atheist.”

We are agnostic so I would prefer my child be with someone the same. I do not want her changing who she is to fit into someone else’s religion. I don’t want her convinced there is a giant man in the sky, you go somewhere when you die or you should worship deities. Culturally I don’t care as long as they are not religious which sometimes is a part of culture.

Anonymous wrote:So clearly everyone rings their own cultural bias into this question.

Wanting to marry someone who shares a common interest with you- like religion or culture or food or language- is not racist. What a weird use of that word. Do you also call a woman sexist if she wants to marry a man only? Same logic.

Similar question recently in the college board- interesting honest discussion there.

I’m surprised people are surprised by this. “Allow” is probably too strong a word for a lot of families but of course lots of people would like religion or culture or language to be an important part of their kids’ lives and for them to preserve this element by partnering with someone that also shares this background.

Americans with no deep ties to religion or a culture outside of the US don’t value things like practicing a religion or speaking a language the whole family so it’s not relatable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who come to the US wanting 100% acceptance yet they do not reciprocate and want an exception to be bigoted. I saw this first hand with the Muslim refugees that we took in from Syria and Afghanistan in the resettlement programs.

In the US, your adult children are free to marry anyone. If you don’t like it, you can go back to your country.

The vast majority of people in the US are immigrants. Everyone brought their own belief systems when they came. People who are native to the US make up quite a small minority.

How long do you think you have to be here? The Native people weren’t Americans because there was no such thing. My father’s side has been here since the 1850’s. My mother’s side a couple of decades later. There’s no culture except American in our family.

Wait- is this a serious post? I certainly wouldn’t want my kid to marry someone who thinks this way let alone admits to thinking this way. This would be a major parenting fail.

Posts like this make (some) white people just look bad and sound so naive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So clearly everyone rings their own cultural bias into this question.

Wanting to marry someone who shares a common interest with you- like religion or culture or food or language- is not racist. What a weird use of that word. Do you also call a woman sexist if she wants to marry a man only? Same logic.

Similar question recently in the college board- interesting honest discussion there.

I don’t think you quite get it. The family demands have little to do either with “interest”—it’s literally about not wanting your kid to marry someone whose skin is darker, whose mom is not Jewish, etc etc. These bigoted parents prefer a particular ethnicity over a shared intellectual interest or common cultural passion.

Actually I do get it. I was pointing out the misuse of the word racist.
Family demands are real but only as real as that spouse allows. Maybe premarital counseling is a good idea- even for same race couples. I guarantee family demands are not fun no matter the race, even if one understands it.