Anonymous
Post 09/23/2025 08:37     Subject: "Because I Have To Visit My Father"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My spouse's father is in assited living in Richmond. He moved in last May. We are in Bethesda.

Every other Sunday since that time, my spouses leaves here around 9am drives to Richmond, visits their father,l often taking him to unch and drives back here, arriving home around 3 or 4.

All of the other Sunday chores -laundry, grocery shopping meal prep for the week, cleaning etc fall on me. We have two dogs, a cat, two kids ages 4 and 7 and it's dawning on me that this isn't really 'fair.' When I brought this up the response was "Because I have to visit my father". Like that obligated me to be a quasi single parent?

I've tried to move the shopping and cleaning to other nights of the week but it just doesn't stick. We both have busy schedules, long commutes, our eldest plays soccer, etc.

We've talked about hiring out the stuff we can but neither of us likes having a stranger in the house and we are both pretty picky about our produce so Insta cart is a non starter.

I guess what bothers me most is their refusal to admit that I'm the one being shafted in this arrangement.

Please give me helpful suggestions.


So you are complaining about 6-7 hours every two weeks? About 3 hours per week? You are a terrible wife. Poor DH.


You should read the thread before commenting. You'd look less dumb.

Just switch the words “wife” and “DH.” PP’s point still stands. This isn’t a case where it matters which one is visiting their dad. Wife has already cut the number of days she goes to Richmond in half. DH is only left alone 1 out of every 14 days, just 25% of weekend days.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2025 08:29     Subject: "Because I Have To Visit My Father"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My spouse's father is in assited living in Richmond. He moved in last May. We are in Bethesda.

Every other Sunday since that time, my spouses leaves here around 9am drives to Richmond, visits their father,l often taking him to unch and drives back here, arriving home around 3 or 4.

All of the other Sunday chores -laundry, grocery shopping meal prep for the week, cleaning etc fall on me. We have two dogs, a cat, two kids ages 4 and 7 and it's dawning on me that this isn't really 'fair.' When I brought this up the response was "Because I have to visit my father". Like that obligated me to be a quasi single parent?

I've tried to move the shopping and cleaning to other nights of the week but it just doesn't stick. We both have busy schedules, long commutes, our eldest plays soccer, etc.

We've talked about hiring out the stuff we can but neither of us likes having a stranger in the house and we are both pretty picky about our produce so Insta cart is a non starter.

I guess what bothers me most is their refusal to admit that I'm the one being shafted in this arrangement.

Please give me helpful suggestions.


So you are complaining about 6-7 hours every two weeks? About 3 hours per week? You are a terrible wife. Poor DH.


You should read the thread before commenting. You'd look less dumb.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2025 07:39     Subject: "Because I Have To Visit My Father"
Anonymous wrote:My spouse's father is in assited living in Richmond. He moved in last May. We are in Bethesda.

Every other Sunday since that time, my spouses leaves here around 9am drives to Richmond, visits their father,l often taking him to unch and drives back here, arriving home around 3 or 4.

All of the other Sunday chores -laundry, grocery shopping meal prep for the week, cleaning etc fall on me. We have two dogs, a cat, two kids ages 4 and 7 and it's dawning on me that this isn't really 'fair.' When I brought this up the response was "Because I have to visit my father". Like that obligated me to be a quasi single parent?

I've tried to move the shopping and cleaning to other nights of the week but it just doesn't stick. We both have busy schedules, long commutes, our eldest plays soccer, etc.

We've talked about hiring out the stuff we can but neither of us likes having a stranger in the house and we are both pretty picky about our produce so Insta cart is a non starter.

I guess what bothers me most is their refusal to admit that I'm the one being shafted in this arrangement.

Please give me helpful suggestions.


So you are complaining about 6-7 hours every two weeks? About 3 hours per week? You are a terrible wife. Poor DH.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2025 07:02     Subject: "Because I Have To Visit My Father"
Anonymous wrote:We’ve had grandparents last 4-12 years in $5k a month assisted or memory care.
One was church affiliated and took over the costs after year five, which is why we chose it.


My mother is 90 and has been in memory care for 4 years already. She had a few issues over the weekend and now a cardiologist suggested some monitoring, which they would do for "4-5 years." God help us. She is 3 hours away from me. She wanted to be near my older sibling, who then died 6 months after my mom moved into assisted living (memory care came later). So if I want to see my mom, I have to drive 3 hours just to sit and stare at her. OP: Trust me, being the one who has to drive and sit around a god-awful facility has it much much worse. And yes, it goes on for years and years years. It's a nightmare.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2025 22:47     Subject: "Because I Have To Visit My Father"
We’ve had grandparents last 4-12 years in $5k a month assisted or memory care.
One was church affiliated and took over the costs after year five, which is why we chose it.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2025 18:55     Subject: "Because I Have To Visit My Father"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The pickiness over Instacart and cleaners is ridiculous and y'all need to get over that. You seriously don't want him to visit his father, who may pass soon, because you don't want less-than-perfect apples?

He has to do half of the chores before he goes to see dad. If his solution is Instacart, let him do Instacart. This isn't that difficult.


Yeah this. There are solutions in front of you. Hire some stuff out.

If his father is in assisted living, he's likely not going to live too much longer.


Not true. We are finishing year four of assisted living with no end in sight unless you consider four plus years to be "not much longer."

NP
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2025 16:21     Subject: "Because I Have To Visit My Father"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would support my husband doing this, but then he'd also support me doing something for myself on the alternate weekends. He'd also potentially take the kid(s) sometimes. And/or do some of the Sunday prep on Saturday.


I'd also say you have to be ruthless in your priorities matching your values. You can't have everything. It doesn't actually make sense at least to me to say we have to pick our own produce over him visiting his Dad. Dad trumps produce in my values. It's not that ideally I don't want to pick the produce, it's that you have to admit you can't have everything/everything cannot be optimized all the time.


Yeah you are not going to get a lot of sympathy if you are ignoring really obvious ways to make things more manageable. Yes this is a hard phase. DH needs to contribute to the kid stuff and keeping the house running. But I really can't imagine proororizing doing my own cleaning and produce picking (if cost isn't the issue) over time with a declining parent.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2025 16:19     Subject: "Because I Have To Visit My Father"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Provng once again that women are spoiled brats all through their life.


OP is a man.


Found the Dem!


Pp? Are u ok? Take your politics elsewhere
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2025 16:18     Subject: "Because I Have To Visit My Father"
Anonymous wrote:He can visit twice a month. Get a housekeeper and grocery delivery.


SHe! You people can't read or comprehend
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2025 16:17     Subject: "Because I Have To Visit My Father"
Anonymous wrote:Why is parent so far away? That is number 1 here.

Secondly, yes, he does need to visit his father. You need to start getting a grip and grow up. Yes, we are expected to care for our parents as they age. Why does this need to be explained to you?


Op is a man and the wife is the one visiting her father.

Now you will bash the wfe in 3,2,1
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2025 15:09     Subject: "Because I Have To Visit My Father"
Anonymous wrote:The pickiness over Instacart and cleaners is ridiculous and y'all need to get over that. You seriously don't want him to visit his father, who may pass soon, because you don't want less-than-perfect apples?

He has to do half of the chores before he goes to see dad. If his solution is Instacart, let him do Instacart. This isn't that difficult.


This. I had this situation a couple years ago with my parent. DH and I worked together to figure out how to get most of the chores done during the week on the weekends I was away.

Your husband needs to step up and do chores at other times. Maybe you need to change up who does what, and when, and to what standards. But he doesn’t get to just not do things altogether.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2025 14:30     Subject: "Because I Have To Visit My Father"
Anonymous wrote:Why is parent so far away? That is number 1 here.

Secondly, yes, he does need to visit his father. You need to start getting a grip and grow up. Yes, we are expected to care for our parents as they age. Why does this need to be explained to you?

Numerous people have asked why FIL is so far away. The COL is lower than the national average in Richmond and 30% higher than the national average in Bethesda. FIL may also have other children who live closer to Richmond.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2025 11:39     Subject: "Because I Have To Visit My Father"
When my Dad was in his last years, my husband took off work to take him to Dr appts, shopping. I went there straight from work to make sure they ate. We both made 7 days worth of food for my parents for 6 years, arranged for their needs, cleaning, nurses. Aging isn't for the weak, and I don't mean the person aging. It's a full time job- even if you have help. There isn't some idea that you are supposed to just be living your own life. It's all hands on deck, and this is already taking a toll on your wife. It's the least you can do to do your part.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2025 11:33     Subject: "Because I Have To Visit My Father"
Anonymous wrote:Why is parent so far away? That is number 1 here.

Secondly, yes, he does need to visit his father. You need to start getting a grip and grow up. Yes, we are expected to care for our parents as they age. Why does this need to be explained to you?

Ok- you are apparently a he. Same advice. Grow TF up.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2025 11:32     Subject: "Because I Have To Visit My Father"
Why is parent so far away? That is number 1 here.

Secondly, yes, he does need to visit his father. You need to start getting a grip and grow up. Yes, we are expected to care for our parents as they age. Why does this need to be explained to you?