Anonymous wrote:You can’t make someone love you and you can’t make someone want to be married to you, OP. Even if you could persuade your husband to come back and try again, it would be a disaster. When someone isn’t happy, they’re not happy. Let him go. And get into therapy yourself, to try to better understand what happened in your marriage, what part with you, what part was him, and how to move on and find someone knew who love and appreciate you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the kids are over 18, they deserve to know the truth.

Except OP doesn't know the truth. All she knows is they had been unhappily married for awhile and it wasn't all just her ex. So he left and they are getting divorced. After 8 months of separation, he has a new gf.

Are you saying OP doesn't know what you just wrote?

No I'm saying OP shouldn't tell her kids that he cheated or make it sound like he's 100% responsible for the divorce.

Anonymous wrote:This sucks. Your stbx is cowardly and selfish and deceitful and gross.

But the fact is, that's why it's a good thing he's someone else's problem now.

My husband walked out on me a year ago, with some vague words about wanting to separate (which was weird, since we had an active sex life, never fought, etc.). It took me about six weeks to discover there was another woman. I did confront him, and he did admit it (we had already "overcome" an affair ten years earlier, so it wasn't my first rodeo).

And I was angry. People who haven't been through this like to attack you for your anger. How dare you expect respect and honesty from the person who married you, you should have known better that apparently it's OK to chuck those things out the window if your spouse isn't perfect (lots of conditional love-givers, it seems).

But the person who is divorcing you is someone you should be emotionally distancing yourself from. He's not the receptacle for your anger because he doesn't deserve access to your true self or your true thoughts. You'll never know the whole story on who he is or what he's done, but you know enough. And if that is hard to accept then you need to lean into all the self-care and therapy that you can do. Journal. Visit a rage room. Vent to your sister and friends. Write him letters you don't send. Write her letters you don't send. There is nothing wrong with your feelings, but you get to choose how to respond to them.

And yes, your kids will figure it out. There's no way that they won't.

My kids are teenagers and they see stbx for the unreliable doofus that he is. His life has been chaotic and messy since he left, since he himself is chaotic and messy. But I've been doing the work. I grieved. I wept. I journaled. I leaned on friends. I got angry. I composed really funny recaps of the dumb things he said and did. And now it's been a year and while I'm still a little sad and a little mad, I'm mostly indifferent. I can be a friendly coparent with this guy because there's no universe where I would want to be married to him any longer.

His girlfriend told her husband that she had to leave him because he failed to love her as Christ loves the church . . . so she took up with my cheating, alcoholic, atheist husband. I mean, I love it so much. They're perfect for each other.

I have all the love and support of our friends and family. Even his best friend chose me in the divorce. Everyone is rooting for me, and loves to see how happy and thriving I am. Stbx and his girlfriend can have each other.

You don't get to a better mindset just by letting time pass. You need to be intentional. I had a mantra in the early days, "Thank you for letting me go." I said it many times through tears. A year later, the idea that I could be sad about not being with him seems so foreign. And I can't wait to see where I am in another year!

Let this be a time of self-discovery and rebirth for you. Let go what isn't for you. Let dumb cheaters be dumb cheaters. It's OK to tell people your truth, if they are people who can support you right now. But don't try to burn his whole world down, because you'll always be tied to him and it impacts your children too. And chances are, he'll burn down plenty himself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the kids are over 18, they deserve to know the truth.

Except OP doesn't know the truth. All she knows is they had been unhappily married for awhile and it wasn't all just her ex. So he left and they are getting divorced. After 8 months of separation, he has a new gf.

Anonymous wrote:My mother spent years trashing my dad after they separated: according to her, he cheated etc. Mostly what this accomplished was to make me dread talking to my mother, and sympathize with my dad, who might or might not have cheated (my mom has low credibility at this point) but who had to deal with her criticism and negativity for years and years.

Honestly i do not blame him for leaving, even if he cheated. He is now happy and remarried and his new wife is great, and they have been together for a decade. They are just a better fit than he and my mom ever were. Meanwhile my mom is lonely and bitter, and instead of acknowledging her own role in the fact their marriage fell apart and working on her own stuff, she just blames him for everything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Do not contact the new GF. That is weird and stalkerish and will accomplish nothing, except making you look insane.

And be very careful what you tell your kids. This is their dad. If they have a bad relationship with him anyway it may not be a big deal to say you think he cheated on you. But if they have a good relationship with their dad, let them keep it! They will resent you if you start badmouthing him.

Since when is telling the truth about what happened to a family to people in the family "badmouthing?" If someone does something bad, is everyone just suppose to ignore it to avoid hurting that person's feelings for acknowledging what they did? When the kids want to know why the rest of their lives will be spent splitting holidays across multiple families, don't they deserve a truthful answer? Why can't she say, "he left me for another woman, and I did not want this"?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the kids are over 18, they deserve to know the truth.

Except OP doesn't know the truth. All she knows is they had been unhappily married for awhile and it wasn't all just her ex. So he left and they are getting divorced. After 8 months of separation, he has a new gf.

Are you saying OP doesn't know what you just wrote?

Anonymous wrote:No. Do not contact the new GF. That is weird and stalkerish and will accomplish nothing, except making you look insane.

And be very careful what you tell your kids. This is their dad. If they have a bad relationship with him anyway it may not be a big deal to say you think he cheated on you. But if they have a good relationship with their dad, let them keep it! They will resent you if you start badmouthing him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the kids are over 18, they deserve to know the truth.

Except OP doesn't know the truth. All she knows is they had been unhappily married for awhile and it wasn't all just her ex. So he left and they are getting divorced. After 8 months of separation, he has a new gf.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. She might not answer if she thinks it's you. Don't call from your usual phone number, OP.

2. Only call if you can play the dignified wronged older woman with wisdom to impart. Which means, don't blame her, don't even imply blame. Explain you are calling because you want her to know that you were faithful and committed, and that he cheated on you and refuses to accept any responsibility. That you are worried for her, because he will cheat on her too. Kind, mellow voice. Don't give her grounds to reject what you say. Instill seeds of doubt so that she will always be suspicious of him.

That's how you place a call to the girlfriend.

Why is anyone assuming the new girlfriend is younger?

Very often men tend to leave their wives for younger women. There are exceptions of course. I once overheard 2 women taking and the one of them said something to the other and she responded "She is only 34, of course he left her to be with someone younger" with a facial expression of resignation.

Anonymous wrote:If the kids are over 18, they deserve to know the truth.