Anonymous wrote:NP - husband here - I've been married a very long time and I've never asked my wife about her sexual history. Once, she did say she was a virgin until she was 21 or 22 and we started dating when she was 25. What happened between 22 and 25 is not for me to know. How many guys? I have no idea. Types of sex? Clueless. But, given her late start I simply surmised that she had a pretty normal sex life though I'm not sure I know what normal is. I'm just thankful that after 30 years and 3000 times having sex (just a rough estimate!) she can still bring it on with energy and imagination.

On the other hand we did talk a lot about finances and those discussions were very helpful for us getting on the same page.

My husband was the first guy I ever gave a BJ to and I told him so. While I wasn't a virgin I think he realized my sexual history was very limited.

NP - husband here - I've been married a very long time and I've never asked my wife about her sexual history. Once, she did say she was a virgin until she was 21 or 22 and we started dating when she was 25. What happened between 22 and 25 is not for me to know. How many guys? I have no idea. Types of sex? Clueless. But, given her late start I simply surmised that she had a pretty normal sex life though I'm not sure I know what normal is. I'm just thankful that after 30 years and 3000 times having sex (just a rough estimate!) she can still bring it on with energy and imagination.

On the other hand we did talk a lot about finances and those discussions were very helpful for us getting on the same page.

Anonymous wrote:Finances yes, sexual history, no.

Look, no matter what, somebody’s feelings will get hurt if you disclose sexual history. Somebody had a threesome, or slept with a gorgeous celebrity, or paid a sex worker, or did something that will make the other person insecure.

It is fully possible to have a wild sexual experience and then go on to have a very happy, monogamous relationship. But there’s zero need to introduce any doubt by bringing up sex that may make the other person uneasy.

How on earth would this hurt someone’s feelings? That doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH would never have dated or married me if he knew about a brief but exploratory period of my life. I've never considered sharing it with him; it's irrelevant to our marriage and life. He also never asked. I'm now a conservative professional and boring mom with no edge. Maybe I'm more open-minded and less judgmental because I deviated for a moment. I appreciate the stability we have. I don't even flirt with other men.

It's not okay to be a liar, even a liar by omission. He would have thought it was relevant if you'd told him before he proposed.

It’s the lying that is most hurtful to a relationship. My good friend recently found out that her husband had been more sexually active before their marriage then he had let on. He had let her believe that they were similarly experienced and that they were learning about that part of their relationship together (they were both 21 when they met). She is deeply upset that he lied by omission by not telling her about this and says that her ability to trust him has been shaken.

She talks about it every time we get together. I just let her talk as much as she wants- I don’t know what else to do to help her and I hate to see her feeling so sad. I can see that this has really affected her. Her mood and energy level are different from before she knew that her husband hadn’t been completely honest with her.

Led her to believe that how? Unless he directly lied to her, then it sounds more like she believed what she wanted to believe. Sounds more like she should take responsibility for being too weak back then to ask the questions she wanted answered. Assume makes an ass out of u and me.

Anonymous wrote:Finances yes, sexual history, no.

Look, no matter what, somebody’s feelings will get hurt if you disclose sexual history. Somebody had a threesome, or slept with a gorgeous celebrity, or paid a sex worker, or did something that will make the other person insecure.

It is fully possible to have a wild sexual experience and then go on to have a very happy, monogamous relationship. But there’s zero need to introduce any doubt by bringing up sex that may make the other person uneasy.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH would never have dated or married me if he knew about a brief but exploratory period of my life. I've never considered sharing it with him; it's irrelevant to our marriage and life. He also never asked. I'm now a conservative professional and boring mom with no edge. Maybe I'm more open-minded and less judgmental because I deviated for a moment. I appreciate the stability we have. I don't even flirt with other men.

It's not okay to be a liar, even a liar by omission. He would have thought it was relevant if you'd told him before he proposed.

It’s the lying that is most hurtful to a relationship. My good friend recently found out that her husband had been more sexually active before their marriage then he had let on. He had let her believe that they were similarly experienced and that they were learning about that part of their relationship together (they were both 21 when they met). She is deeply upset that he lied by omission by not telling her about this and says that her ability to trust him has been shaken.

She talks about it every time we get together. I just let her talk as much as she wants- I don’t know what else to do to help her and I hate to see her feeling so sad. I can see that this has really affected her. Her mood and energy level are different from before she knew that her husband hadn’t been completely honest with her.

She really needs to get over it. 21 year olds do stupid things, and a 21 year old boy isn’t getting THAT much action. Plus, she was probbaly super judgmental, which is why he didn’t tell her.

Has he been a good husband? Like I really can’t imagine being 40 years old, having spent 20 years with someone, had children, and being SO upset over something so stupid that you blabber about it nonstop.

Draw some boundaries with your friend and ask her to stop talking about it with you.

I think the point is that he didn’t share information that he knew he should have. And then acted as though he was as inexperienced as she was.

I don’t think it’s that stupid to be upset to find out that someone lied to you about something and then kept on lying about it for years. At some point you wonder what else he might have lied about.

I actually think sharing info about one’s prior history breaks into privacy and boundaries crossing territory.

Nobody is obligated to share it, absolutely nobody. Neither ethically nor legally.

Thus people should just exercise their best judgement how comfortable they are with PRESENT sexual behaviors . There are many ways to do so - see if the person was quick to jump in bed with you, takes care of their health, protections, asks for STI status, birth control etc.

In the situation we’re discussing here, the man led the woman to believe that he was just as inexperienced as she was and acted as though everything was as new to him as it was to her. He knew her and knew what she thought their situation was- by not telling her the truth he knowingly allowed her to maintain a very fundamental misconception about their relationship. Lying by omission is just like any other lie.

The guy was 21. So maybe he had a couple more drunken hookups than he admitted to, but let’s not pretend he was out having threesomes every weekend. Everything is still extremely new to a 21 year old boy, and they’re still fumbling around.

The wife needs to grow up. Sex isn’t made special because it’s the first time you did XYZ acts. Sex is special because of the person you’re doing it with.

Plus, there’s literally thousands of different things to try in bed. I’m 40 and still feel like I’m just scratching the surface of sex, and I’m always discovering new things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH would never have dated or married me if he knew about a brief but exploratory period of my life. I've never considered sharing it with him; it's irrelevant to our marriage and life. He also never asked. I'm now a conservative professional and boring mom with no edge. Maybe I'm more open-minded and less judgmental because I deviated for a moment. I appreciate the stability we have. I don't even flirt with other men.

It's not okay to be a liar, even a liar by omission. He would have thought it was relevant if you'd told him before he proposed.

It’s the lying that is most hurtful to a relationship. My good friend recently found out that her husband had been more sexually active before their marriage then he had let on. He had let her believe that they were similarly experienced and that they were learning about that part of their relationship together (they were both 21 when they met). She is deeply upset that he lied by omission by not telling her about this and says that her ability to trust him has been shaken.

She talks about it every time we get together. I just let her talk as much as she wants- I don’t know what else to do to help her and I hate to see her feeling so sad. I can see that this has really affected her. Her mood and energy level are different from before she knew that her husband hadn’t been completely honest with her.

She really needs to get over it. 21 year olds do stupid things, and a 21 year old boy isn’t getting THAT much action. Plus, she was probbaly super judgmental, which is why he didn’t tell her.

Has he been a good husband? Like I really can’t imagine being 40 years old, having spent 20 years with someone, had children, and being SO upset over something so stupid that you blabber about it nonstop.

Draw some boundaries with your friend and ask her to stop talking about it with you.

I think the point is that he didn’t share information that he knew he should have. And then acted as though he was as inexperienced as she was.

I don’t think it’s that stupid to be upset to find out that someone lied to you about something and then kept on lying about it for years. At some point you wonder what else he might have lied about.

I actually think sharing info about one’s prior history breaks into privacy and boundaries crossing territory.

Nobody is obligated to share it, absolutely nobody. Neither ethically nor legally.

Thus people should just exercise their best judgement how comfortable they are with PRESENT sexual behaviors . There are many ways to do so - see if the person was quick to jump in bed with you, takes care of their health, protections, asks for STI status, birth control etc.

In the situation we’re discussing here, the man led the woman to believe that he was just as inexperienced as she was and acted as though everything was as new to him as it was to her. He knew her and knew what she thought their situation was- by not telling her the truth he knowingly allowed her to maintain a very fundamental misconception about their relationship. Lying by omission is just like any other lie.

I was in a band in college, and was a professional musician during my 20s. I did a lot of stupid things, including sleeping with a lot of women in college, and during my 20s as a touring musician. It was a way of life for touring musicians when it comes to drugs, alcohol, and especially sleeping with a LOT of women. I must have slept with at least 400+ women during that time, and I was very lucky not to catch any STDs. I left the music business at the age of 31, and went back to college to complete my accounting degree. I dated quite a bit after the age of 31, and I was very up front with my date about my past sexual history after the 2nd date because I believed in full disclosure. I also expect my date to do the same. Half of my date was disgusted by it while the other half was amazed by it, but all of them appreciated my honesty.

Full disclosure is the best policy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The issue is that modern dating implies dating different people until exclusivity. No man is dating exclusively. So yes, it’s completely unreasonable to expect that a woman would be able to jump straight into LTRs without any shorter term attempts at relationships before. No matter how much she enjoys committed sex.its just unrealistic to expect that a woman would delay sex or anyone would stay with her without sex before marriage/moving in.

I enjoy committed sex but had several 3-6 months relationships in between long term mega relationships, because I realized the men were just not the right for for me so I kept searching. Or the man met somone else which also happens.
None of these shorter relationships started from a one night stand - usually it was a full month before I slept with a man.

Whoops quotes are messed up.

Apparently the new thing is for men to insist women stop using the dating app they matched on, before their first date or before theyve even met. These men are so afraid of being "one upped" by another man that they demand exclusivity before even seeing them with their own eyes in person.

lmao there are plenty of women who think you need to drop off the apps right away as soon you meet them in person or even before.

No, there isn't.

Every man on the apps has met such women, dolt.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH would never have dated or married me if he knew about a brief but exploratory period of my life. I've never considered sharing it with him; it's irrelevant to our marriage and life. He also never asked. I'm now a conservative professional and boring mom with no edge. Maybe I'm more open-minded and less judgmental because I deviated for a moment. I appreciate the stability we have. I don't even flirt with other men.

It's not okay to be a liar, even a liar by omission. He would have thought it was relevant if you'd told him before he proposed.

It’s the lying that is most hurtful to a relationship. My good friend recently found out that her husband had been more sexually active before their marriage then he had let on. He had let her believe that they were similarly experienced and that they were learning about that part of their relationship together (they were both 21 when they met). She is deeply upset that he lied by omission by not telling her about this and says that her ability to trust him has been shaken.

She talks about it every time we get together. I just let her talk as much as she wants- I don’t know what else to do to help her and I hate to see her feeling so sad. I can see that this has really affected her. Her mood and energy level are different from before she knew that her husband hadn’t been completely honest with her.

She really needs to get over it. 21 year olds do stupid things, and a 21 year old boy isn’t getting THAT much action. Plus, she was probbaly super judgmental, which is why he didn’t tell her.

Has he been a good husband? Like I really can’t imagine being 40 years old, having spent 20 years with someone, had children, and being SO upset over something so stupid that you blabber about it nonstop.

Draw some boundaries with your friend and ask her to stop talking about it with you.

I think the point is that he didn’t share information that he knew he should have. And then acted as though he was as inexperienced as she was.

I don’t think it’s that stupid to be upset to find out that someone lied to you about something and then kept on lying about it for years. At some point you wonder what else he might have lied about.

I actually think sharing info about one’s prior history breaks into privacy and boundaries crossing territory.

Nobody is obligated to share it, absolutely nobody. Neither ethically nor legally.

Thus people should just exercise their best judgement how comfortable they are with PRESENT sexual behaviors . There are many ways to do so - see if the person was quick to jump in bed with you, takes care of their health, protections, asks for STI status, birth control etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH would never have dated or married me if he knew about a brief but exploratory period of my life. I've never considered sharing it with him; it's irrelevant to our marriage and life. He also never asked. I'm now a conservative professional and boring mom with no edge. Maybe I'm more open-minded and less judgmental because I deviated for a moment. I appreciate the stability we have. I don't even flirt with other men.

It's not okay to be a liar, even a liar by omission. He would have thought it was relevant if you'd told him before he proposed.

It’s the lying that is most hurtful to a relationship. My good friend recently found out that her husband had been more sexually active before their marriage then he had let on. He had let her believe that they were similarly experienced and that they were learning about that part of their relationship together (they were both 21 when they met). She is deeply upset that he lied by omission by not telling her about this and says that her ability to trust him has been shaken.

She talks about it every time we get together. I just let her talk as much as she wants- I don’t know what else to do to help her and I hate to see her feeling so sad. I can see that this has really affected her. Her mood and energy level are different from before she knew that her husband hadn’t been completely honest with her.

She really needs to get over it. 21 year olds do stupid things, and a 21 year old boy isn’t getting THAT much action. Plus, she was probbaly super judgmental, which is why he didn’t tell her.

Has he been a good husband? Like I really can’t imagine being 40 years old, having spent 20 years with someone, had children, and being SO upset over something so stupid that you blabber about it nonstop.

Draw some boundaries with your friend and ask her to stop talking about it with you.

I think the point is that he didn’t share information that he knew he should have. And then acted as though he was as inexperienced as she was.

I don’t think it’s that stupid to be upset to find out that someone lied to you about something and then kept on lying about it for years. At some point you wonder what else he might have lied about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH would never have dated or married me if he knew about a brief but exploratory period of my life. I've never considered sharing it with him; it's irrelevant to our marriage and life. He also never asked. I'm now a conservative professional and boring mom with no edge. Maybe I'm more open-minded and less judgmental because I deviated for a moment. I appreciate the stability we have. I don't even flirt with other men.

It's not okay to be a liar, even a liar by omission. He would have thought it was relevant if you'd told him before he proposed.

It’s the lying that is most hurtful to a relationship. My good friend recently found out that her husband had been more sexually active before their marriage then he had let on. He had let her believe that they were similarly experienced and that they were learning about that part of their relationship together (they were both 21 when they met). She is deeply upset that he lied by omission by not telling her about this and says that her ability to trust him has been shaken.

She talks about it every time we get together. I just let her talk as much as she wants- I don’t know what else to do to help her and I hate to see her feeling so sad. I can see that this has really affected her. Her mood and energy level are different from before she knew that her husband hadn’t been completely honest with her.

She really needs to get over it. 21 year olds do stupid things, and a 21 year old boy isn’t getting THAT much action. Plus, she was probbaly super judgmental, which is why he didn’t tell her.

Has he been a good husband? Like I really can’t imagine being 40 years old, having spent 20 years with someone, had children, and being SO upset over something so stupid that you blabber about it nonstop.

Draw some boundaries with your friend and ask her to stop talking about it with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH would never have dated or married me if he knew about a brief but exploratory period of my life. I've never considered sharing it with him; it's irrelevant to our marriage and life. He also never asked. I'm now a conservative professional and boring mom with no edge. Maybe I'm more open-minded and less judgmental because I deviated for a moment. I appreciate the stability we have. I don't even flirt with other men.

It's not okay to be a liar, even a liar by omission. He would have thought it was relevant if you'd told him before he proposed.

It’s the lying that is most hurtful to a relationship. My good friend recently found out that her husband had been more sexually active before their marriage then he had let on. He had let her believe that they were similarly experienced and that they were learning about that part of their relationship together (they were both 21 when they met). She is deeply upset that he lied by omission by not telling her about this and says that her ability to trust him has been shaken.

She talks about it every time we get together. I just let her talk as much as she wants- I don’t know what else to do to help her and I hate to see her feeling so sad. I can see that this has really affected her. Her mood and energy level are different from before she knew that her husband hadn’t been completely honest with her.

Family history and background. Relationships with members of the family.

Level of education

Medical history and STD/STI

Career

Finances and debt

Vision for future.

Sexual partners. Sexual mistakes. Dark secrets.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The issue is that modern dating implies dating different people until exclusivity. No man is dating exclusively. So yes, it’s completely unreasonable to expect that a woman would be able to jump straight into LTRs without any shorter term attempts at relationships before. No matter how much she enjoys committed sex.its just unrealistic to expect that a woman would delay sex or anyone would stay with her without sex before marriage/moving in.

I enjoy committed sex but had several 3-6 months relationships in between long term mega relationships, because I realized the men were just not the right for for me so I kept searching. Or the man met somone else which also happens.
None of these shorter relationships started from a one night stand - usually it was a full month before I slept with a man.

Whoops quotes are messed up.

Apparently the new thing is for men to insist women stop using the dating app they matched on, before their first date or before theyve even met. These men are so afraid of being "one upped" by another man that they demand exclusivity before even seeing them with their own eyes in person.

lmao there are plenty of women who think you need to drop off the apps right away as soon you meet them in person or even before.

No, there isn't.