Anonymous wrote:We are foreigners and are part of the international community in DC, who usually has grandparents living abroad in people's home countries.

If there's enough money and health, distance is not a problem. When one or both are missing, then distance becomes a problem. And when it comes to eldercare at a distance when all able-bodied younger relatives are far away - there is a HUGE problem.

So please have a little more humility and respect, OP, for adverse situations in life.

Or, your country decided to start a stupid war and flying becomes much more complicated.
Honestly I think elderly parents should move closer to kids whenever they can. Not meddle but be accessible in case any help or care is needed on either end

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of this comes down to the myth that you can’t express love without being physically close and hyper-involved. Grandparents who can’t or don’t travel or get to see their grandkids all the time don’t love them less and aren’t loved less.

What we’re talking about is insistent neediness from boomers. It’s not about you! If you are filled with genuine love, that will show and be repaid! Don’t force it!

Well that's not true. Grandkids absolutely love grandparents more if they see them more. Seeing someone once a year is not enough to establish a relationship at all, much less be really loved. They barely know them. My mother lives nearby and has been like a second mother to my son and he loves her like one. But he couldn't care less about the grandparents he sees once a year for a day or two, and doesn't even particularly care about the ones he sees once a month for a couple hours. Physical closeness absolutely matters. What nonsense to suggest otherwise.

Disagree. I was always extremely close with my maternal grandparents although they lived 4 hours away. I’d spend every summer with them and they’d less frequently visit us. My father was an alcoholic and I had a chaotic home life. So, they created a safe haven for me and my siblings. I had my own room there and even friends in their neighborhood. My mom would typically drive me to their house, stay a few days and come back and get me later in the summer.

My paternal grandparent lived about 30 minutes away in a major city. I rarely visited her and certainly never spent one overnight with her although sometimes she’d stay with us. Ended up seeing her maybe 3 times a year as I got older.

Anonymous wrote:A lot of this comes down to the myth that you can’t express love without being physically close and hyper-involved. Grandparents who can’t or don’t travel or get to see their grandkids all the time don’t love them less and aren’t loved less.

What we’re talking about is insistent neediness from boomers. It’s not about you! If you are filled with genuine love, that will show and be repaid! Don’t force it!

Well that's not true. Grandkids absolutely love grandparents more if they see them more. Seeing someone once a year is not enough to establish a relationship at all, much less be really loved. They barely know them. My mother lives nearby and has been like a second mother to my son and he loves her like one. But he couldn't care less about the grandparents he sees once a year for a day or two, and doesn't even particularly care about the ones he sees once a month for a couple hours. Physical closeness absolutely matters. What nonsense to suggest otherwise.

A lot of this comes down to the myth that you can’t express love without being physically close and hyper-involved. Grandparents who can’t or don’t travel or get to see their grandkids all the time don’t love them less and aren’t loved less.

What we’re talking about is insistent neediness from boomers. It’s not about you! If you are filled with genuine love, that will show and be repaid! Don’t force it!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, you can get on a plane and be there for any signficant events your family wants you there for and you won't haunt them when they don't want you...

OMG! I had to read this twice to make sure that this is actually an adult child talking about their parents. OP, can you have any lower standards as this! I am a grandparent and feel so sad for your family. You will most likely feel a need to call names and attack me but seriously, you need help.

The boomer generation believes they’re wanted everywhere, all the time, and expects everyone to rearrange their schedules for them. Guess what - we don’t!

Grandparents are great and there’s a time and place, but too often the boomer generation of grandparents tries to take over - family vacations, holidays, etc and make it about them. Let your kids grow and breathe for gods sake!

The fact that some - not all - grandparents try and demand their adult children move nearer or finance their own move because THEY want it, is just so mind boggling. It’s the level of entitlement that so many boomer grandparents show that we all object to.

This right here! Amen! My nearby Boomer ILs have always been entitled and overbearing. Expected to be invited to every performance, school event, game but never ever available to help in any sort of emergency. All holidays and special occasions had to be celebrated at their house on their time, even when we had infants and toddlers.

Demands continue but I long ago limited my interactions with them. I don’t call or text. I never drop by and rarely see them. It’s better this way/

My FIL insists Christmas at his house, gifts unwrapped when he wants, meals eaten when he wants, he sits and reads his newspaper like it’s the 1950s and is visibly irritated by grandchildren playing loudly, never visits us but he and his wife take regular trips to Aruba and HHI, and have the gall to guilt trip my wife about not spending more time “coming home”.

For someone who doesn’t act like he really wants us there when we come he sure has a lot of strong opinions about how we should spend our money and vacation time and where we should live.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, you can get on a plane and be there for any signficant events your family wants you there for and you won't haunt them when they don't want you...

OMG! I had to read this twice to make sure that this is actually an adult child talking about their parents. OP, can you have any lower standards as this! I am a grandparent and feel so sad for your family. You will most likely feel a need to call names and attack me but seriously, you need help.

The boomer generation believes they’re wanted everywhere, all the time, and expects everyone to rearrange their schedules for them. Guess what - we don’t!

Grandparents are great and there’s a time and place, but too often the boomer generation of grandparents tries to take over - family vacations, holidays, etc and make it about them. Let your kids grow and breathe for gods sake!

The fact that some - not all - grandparents try and demand their adult children move nearer or finance their own move because THEY want it, is just so mind boggling. It’s the level of entitlement that so many boomer grandparents show that we all object to.

This right here! Amen! My nearby Boomer ILs have always been entitled and overbearing. Expected to be invited to every performance, school event, game but never ever available to help in any sort of emergency. All holidays and special occasions had to be celebrated at their house on their time, even when we had infants and toddlers.

Demands continue but I long ago limited my interactions with them. I don’t call or text. I never drop by and rarely see them. It’s better this way/

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, you can get on a plane and be there for any signficant events your family wants you there for and you won't haunt them when they don't want you...

OMG! I had to read this twice to make sure that this is actually an adult child talking about their parents. OP, can you have any lower standards as this! I am a grandparent and feel so sad for your family. You will most likely feel a need to call names and attack me but seriously, you need help.

The boomer generation believes they’re wanted everywhere, all the time, and expects everyone to rearrange their schedules for them. Guess what - we don’t!

Grandparents are great and there’s a time and place, but too often the boomer generation of grandparents tries to take over - family vacations, holidays, etc and make it about them. Let your kids grow and breathe for gods sake!

The fact that some - not all - grandparents try and demand their adult children move nearer or finance their own move because THEY want it, is just so mind boggling. It’s the level of entitlement that so many boomer grandparents show that we all object to.

True. We visited every year for holidays and spent our money and limited vacation time to do so. Meanwhile, ILs did not visit often. Eventually, I said we needed to spend some of the limited vacation time seeing different places. I even suggested meeting up with ILs in a different location but they were not into it. They wanted us at their house...

MIL wanted to see grandkids more but did not prioritize trips to visit. They did other things. Fine. Their choice. Then, out of the blue, she wanted to take the oldest grandkid on a trip. Oldest kid did not feel comfortable with this. Maybe if ILs had visited more often, then oldest would have felt more comfortable.

It's like any relationship. You'll get out of it what you put in.

MIL and FIL's youngest child lives an hour away, and they would barely visit. They did not increase visits to anyone after retiring and, instead chose to travel for their hobby and pleasure. Again, that is fine, but don't complain about wanting a closer relationship. You made your choices.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, you can get on a plane and be there for any signficant events your family wants you there for and you won't haunt them when they don't want you...

OMG! I had to read this twice to make sure that this is actually an adult child talking about their parents. OP, can you have any lower standards as this! I am a grandparent and feel so sad for your family. You will most likely feel a need to call names and attack me but seriously, you need help.

The boomer generation believes they’re wanted everywhere, all the time, and expects everyone to rearrange their schedules for them. Guess what - we don’t!

Grandparents are great and there’s a time and place, but too often the boomer generation of grandparents tries to take over - family vacations, holidays, etc and make it about them. Let your kids grow and breathe for gods sake!

The fact that some - not all - grandparents try and demand their adult children move nearer or finance their own move because THEY want it, is just so mind boggling. It’s the level of entitlement that so many boomer grandparents show that we all object to.

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, you can get on a plane and be there for any signficant events your family wants you there for and you won't haunt them when they don't want you...

OMG! I had to read this twice to make sure that this is actually an adult child talking about their parents. OP, can you have any lower standards as this! I am a grandparent and feel so sad for your family. You will most likely feel a need to call names and attack me but seriously, you need help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a grandparent, I adore my grandchildren. However, I have my own life, friends, vacations and house to manage. Believe it or not OP, your offspring aren’t the center of the universe. Get help.

Absolutely, but the reverse is true as well. Elders need to plan plan plan for their end of life care- both financially and logistically, because their kids have their own own life, kids, friends, vacations and house to manage. Too often there is a disconnect there.

And so?