I’m the special needs twin mom PP. People just don’t realize how brutal it is. Things my spouse has already done- paid for executive coach (eventually she ran out of feedback for him, said he’s already doing everything humanly possible). He’s gotten into the best shape of his life. Wardrobe and hair are good. Works on career stuff 40+ hours a week (along the lines of consulting for what he previously did). There’s only a few dozen firms in the world that hire for what he does and he’s already in touch with all of them…they’re just not hiring for now and it’s hard to know how long to wait for the market to turn before pivoting completely to try and start over on another highly paid track.

We have already cut the expenses we can- we don’t eat out, travel, cut all housekeeping and childcare help, etc, but what actually moves the needle- our insane healthcare expenses- we don’t feel like we can cut. Not without risking our severely speech delayed preschoolers ever being able to speak fluently. If not for their needs we could just downsize and be set for life, but we need the “big job” health insurance to cover ABA, speech, OT, therapies, future $$$$ autism private school tuition, etc.

I don’t express any anger at my husband (it really isn’t his fault anyway) and I tell him someday it will all work out for the best. It rings pretty hollow though.

All that to say- OP, hang in there.

Maybe he is doing something wrong in the interview, since it sounds like he does not have a lot of interview experience. Have him do some mock interviews. His school career service might do them for free, though they might be clueless.

Leaving a lower paying but stable job to take a higher paying job with potential is sometimes the right choice. I would not focus on that. It might have worked out well. He got unlucky with the merger.

He needs to keep his chin up because getting negative and being depressed makes it harder to find another job.

OP, you haven't responded to the questions about your husband's skill set, it's hard to give constrictive suggestions without knowing the most important information in the equation. Just to share, my DH is a Software Engineer and lost his job at 44, he started working as an Independent contractor/consultant and hasn't looked back. He makes close to 700k, he is 55 yrs old. We have benefits through my job so that helps.

It's important to share the skill set so we can provide helpful advice.

It amazes me how married women think they should control the kind of risks a man takes. Let me send a PSA to women. If a man wants to take a risk he will do so regardless married or not. It's in our nature to be risk takers. I feel bad for him that he doesn't have a supportive wife.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People don't realize low paid job is actually a bad solution. A man getting laid off a high paid job at 58 making around 360K a year. With two kids in college and a mortgage and a SAHM wife for instance getting a job in McDonalds or becoming a substitute teacher or school bus driver is not going to help. He can cut expenses but when you had income of 30K a month a job that pays 60K a year is not much help.

Even a 160K job you will bleed out. The clock is ticking he should be looking for 40-60 hours a week for a high paid job. He has to do at least 1,000 to 5,000 applications, following up on leads, reaching out on LinkedIn, meeting up for coffee, presenting at conferences, coming to trade groups.

I think his best choice is to find a start up looking for someone with gray hair and a good resume looking to work for peanuts with pre-IPO stock in exchange a good title. Then do that 1-2 years and try to land a good job again.

And it is ALL ON HIM. I have sisters and sister inlaws who were teachers, nurses, working in lower level marketing jobs that are jobs that never pay a ton or have been a SAHM for years. Not like their husband at 55 loses their 360K job they can magically make 360K .

Get real. 99% of 58 y.o. men who get laid off from a $360K job will never find another job like that again. I’ve been with a F500 company for 30 years and I don’t know a single comeback story. You have to be pretty special to land on your feet in this situation.

I do know two guys who retired, they were fairly well known in the industry, and their contacts begged them to come out of retirement for a few years to fill a gap.

Yeah, I find it hard to believe there are 5,000 360k jobs to be gotten through cold applications.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women can be extremely unforgiving when they perceive that their husbands ruined whatever perfect life they had. I have seen many men loose their wives, end up depressed and just miserable from the enormous pressure that their wives put on them when they loose their jobs.

Come on. It’s just a job. Even president of the USA is a 4 year assignment.

A man is only worth what is in his paycheck for a lot of women

A woman is worth less than her paycheck buddy. Have you heard of the more we make, the more household chore we do?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People don't realize low paid job is actually a bad solution. A man getting laid off a high paid job at 58 making around 360K a year. With two kids in college and a mortgage and a SAHM wife for instance getting a job in McDonalds or becoming a substitute teacher or school bus driver is not going to help. He can cut expenses but when you had income of 30K a month a job that pays 60K a year is not much help.

Even a 160K job you will bleed out. The clock is ticking he should be looking for 40-60 hours a week for a high paid job. He has to do at least 1,000 to 5,000 applications, following up on leads, reaching out on LinkedIn, meeting up for coffee, presenting at conferences, coming to trade groups.

I think his best choice is to find a start up looking for someone with gray hair and a good resume looking to work for peanuts with pre-IPO stock in exchange a good title. Then do that 1-2 years and try to land a good job again.

And it is ALL ON HIM. I have sisters and sister inlaws who were teachers, nurses, working in lower level marketing jobs that are jobs that never pay a ton or have been a SAHM for years. Not like their husband at 55 loses their 360K job they can magically make 360K .

Get real. 99% of 58 y.o. men who get laid off from a $360K job will never find another job like that again. I’ve been with a F500 company for 30 years and I don’t know a single comeback story. You have to be pretty special to land on your feet in this situation.

I do know two guys who retired, they were fairly well known in the industry, and their contacts begged them to come out of retirement for a few years to fill a gap.

+1. This. And probably 95 pct of 48 year old men will never see those salaries again. A company can get a 28 year old with cutting edge skills for half the price who is willing to work twice as hard because they don’t have kids. That’s why labor economics theory shows that people are underpaid relative to their productivity when they’re young and overpaid when they’re older.

But the model sucks if people who are older no longer have the security of long-term employment.

Anonymous wrote:People don't realize low paid job is actually a bad solution. A man getting laid off a high paid job at 58 making around 360K a year. With two kids in college and a mortgage and a SAHM wife for instance getting a job in McDonalds or becoming a substitute teacher or school bus driver is not going to help. He can cut expenses but when you had income of 30K a month a job that pays 60K a year is not much help.

Even a 160K job you will bleed out. The clock is ticking he should be looking for 40-60 hours a week for a high paid job. He has to do at least 1,000 to 5,000 applications, following up on leads, reaching out on LinkedIn, meeting up for coffee, presenting at conferences, coming to trade groups.

I think his best choice is to find a start up looking for someone with gray hair and a good resume looking to work for peanuts with pre-IPO stock in exchange a good title. Then do that 1-2 years and try to land a good job again.

And it is ALL ON HIM. I have sisters and sister inlaws who were teachers, nurses, working in lower level marketing jobs that are jobs that never pay a ton or have been a SAHM for years. Not like their husband at 55 loses their 360K job they can magically make 360K .

Get real. 99% of 58 y.o. men who get laid off from a $360K job will never find another job like that again. I’ve been with a F500 company for 30 years and I don’t know a single comeback story. You have to be pretty special to land on your feet in this situation.

I do know two guys who retired, they were fairly well known in the industry, and their contacts begged them to come out of retirement for a few years to fill a gap.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are your husband's main skills and what kind of work environment does he naturally desire?

+1 OP just wants to complain about their spouse but not give details that would allow people to give advice. I call troll.

If you read my OP youd know I came here looking to hear from those who have been in my situation and hear how it went for them, find support from then etc. I got a lot of great suggestions and am not looking for sprcific job search advice for my husband.

Somebody here might interview and hire him ... But solving the problem isn't really desired.

Yeah, OP, I think the job search is EVERYTHING. That and why he isnt interviewing well. Is he sloppy, bad hair cut, shoes, shirt, needs interview coaching, etc. It's time for all hands on deck

Good morning, OP! I'm the PP who has BTDT, pretended to be strong for DH and cried in the car. The advice this PP gives is practical and very good. Granted, easier to do at the beginning than when you're deep into the money drain. But still. I actually pushed DH into getting Botox. We also spent the money on good interviewing clothes, shoes. Made sure he had a good haircut, eyebrows not crazy, ear hair, nose hair all trimmed. (It's amazing how little things like that can really detract.) Shallow, sure, but all so that he would present younger and energetic.

If you don't have the money for a coach, then set up a camera and do pretend interviews showing only him. I know in some management training courses they do this so the person can see their own little tics. Fiddle with hair. Moving hands. Whatever it is. This might help your DH to see if he is coming across as sloppy or depressed or low even just low energy.

Maybe with some proactive steps, you both can feel a little more hopeful.

I hope you feel better this morning!

Hi PP- you have been immensely helpful. I truly appreciate everything you have shared and said. I definitely felt a little less helpless today after reading your comments, as well as a few others. Thank you for taking the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP probably enjoyed when he was making the big bucks for a short while, but then tries to blame him for being laid off, which is outside his control. No one has 20/20 foresight.

Maybe you should go get a better job yourself, OP. Stop blaming your husband. The economy is in shambles and no one is hiring right now for senior positions. Worse comes to worse, you sell your house, car, and posseions to downgrade your lifestyle. No big deal, they're just material things.

You need to do more to contribute yourself, from the sound of it.

One things thats been made clear from many posters is the confirmation that no one has respect for the people who teach, help and support their children in school. Its so interesting to see.

Get real, my parents were teachers. 90% of the people who become teachers are there because they want a stable job and can’t really figure out how to get a better job and want summers off, and usually to have the flexibility for the kids.

It’s a job, and a low paid one of that, but it’s stable and attracts a certain type of person looking for that lifestyle

Your parents must have taught older grades. Most elementary teachers I knew felt it was a calling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women can be extremely unforgiving when they perceive that their husbands ruined whatever perfect life they had. I have seen many men loose their wives, end up depressed and just miserable from the enormous pressure that their wives put on them when they loose their jobs.

Come on. It’s just a job. Even president of the USA is a 4 year assignment.

A man is only worth what is in his paycheck for a lot of women

OP here- Yup you caught me! Thats exactly it. You all really must have boring lives if you come on to this thread to make these comments. Yikes!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women can be extremely unforgiving when they perceive that their husbands ruined whatever perfect life they had. I have seen many men loose their wives, end up depressed and just miserable from the enormous pressure that their wives put on them when they loose their jobs.

Come on. It’s just a job. Even president of the USA is a 4 year assignment.

A man is only worth what is in his paycheck for a lot of women

Anonymous wrote:Women can be extremely unforgiving when they perceive that their husbands ruined whatever perfect life they had. I have seen many men loose their wives, end up depressed and just miserable from the enormous pressure that their wives put on them when they loose their jobs.

Come on. It’s just a job. Even president of the USA is a 4 year assignment.

Women can be extremely unforgiving when they perceive that their husbands ruined whatever perfect life they had. I have seen many men loose their wives, end up depressed and just miserable from the enormous pressure that their wives put on them when they loose their jobs.

Anonymous wrote:If he is in his 40s, the usual path of this point is to get a job in the government or similar with an employee that does not discriminate on age.

Unfortunately, that option is off the table so he should probably become a teacher

I was thinking this too. With the current administration, this path is closed now, unfortunately.