Anonymous wrote:I don’t think affair, sounds more like depression.

An affair you want to not change things at home because you don’t want to get caught.

Not true in my case. Everything at home was changing and he was being so nasty. He may not have identified that he wanted to get caught but caught he did get. He packed up his bags and left.

He hates me with the passion of a thousand burning suns. Why? I can't answer. That's his problem. His opinion of me is not my problem either. I picked myself and moved on and every day I thank him for ending what had become a soul destroying relationship that looked so lovely on the outside.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really rather him just leave me.

He probably is having an affair despite denying it. I just don’t get it.

He can go and be happy with wherever. I’ll be fine.

But he cannot do this to our kids. This is the man who would turn down buddy trips to take his kids camping.

Who is this man?

And what is your excuse? Why are you waiting for him to make the decision? Your shock can only last so long- it sounds like it's been a month now. What exactly is going on down in the basement? Others have suggested checking out his phone/laptop/you could install a nanny cam in the basement etc etc. You have literally done nothing. Please make a plan. Make sure you collect evidence or protect yourself financially.

At your next therapy appt, state the obvious- that you are worried something organic/physical is going on and you want to rule that out before giving up. But if he isn't going to follow up and rule out issues/he doesn't care, then the next topic is the children- why he doesn't even care that he doesn't care about the kids any longer. What have his responses been with the therapist on that topic? Honestly this would take up all my time in therapy in this case- discussing the impact on the kids of suddenly being ignored and disengaged. If he stays silent and your therapist continues to state the obvious- then you have to make the choice as the only engaged member of the relationship-Then you leave.

Liberate yourself. Stop waiting for liberation.

It’s been maybe two months, not years.

Does everyone go straight to spying on your spouse?

I’m puzzled at how quickly people around to encourage OP to drop a 12 year relationship with 3 kids for 6 weeks of problems.

I posted that OP should hire a lawyer but it’s because I’m nervous he is planning to leave HER not because I think she should bail.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am really sorry. This would be very confusing and distressing for anyone. And I feel for your kids.

My thoughts are the following:

stop the therapy. See your own therapist if you dont have one.

see a divorce lawyer or two. THis is looming so best to start getting prepared.

how do you think the new job is going? Possible he is having a rough time/going to get fired?

In terms of brain tumor: here I would reach out to any friends he has or mutual friends or family, just investigate to see if they've had any issues. If he's only being hostile to you, then my sense is affair. If others have experienced hostility or strange and uncharacteristic behavior, then insist on going to the doctor.

as for his rejection of the kids: here's my thought based on my own experience.

my dad was a very involved dad (in fact my mom was basically absent/emotionally crippled my whole childhood so my dad was my primary parent). But when he started having an affair he pulled way back/became a jerk. Essentially it was because he was feeling guilty and then angry at feeling guilty and we (my mother and us kids) were the "reason" he felt guilty/angry. I also think he was realizing how inconvenient it was to be a father/husband, how much he ached for freedom and started to rewrite his history about how much of his own life he had sacrificed for his family, so having an affair was also an "out" for him. He essentially disappeared for like a year, once the affair was outed, and never re-engaged as a parent/

This. I’d reach out to your circle. Have a friend’s husband invite him over for a guys night. Get their take.

+1 my dad had a benign pituitary tumor and his behavior (anger mostly) was evident in all areas of his life.

Thank you for sharing this, eye opening. Hope he is ok.

I don’t think affair, sounds more like depression.

An affair you want to not change things at home because you don’t want to get caught.

Mine did this. He wasn't ever the most involved/engaged parent but, for a while at least, he attempted to at least try. And then, he didn't. No major fight, no traumatic event, no external circumstance. No cheating, no substance abuse. Just... decided to not.

It all went downhill from there. The more I tried (counseling for me, counseling together, making sure he had plenty of time alone, never "nagging" or demanding he be part of his own family...) the more he had to complain about how awful I was, how bad our home life was, how little he cared about his kids. It became horribly abusive, which highlighted for me that it had never really been great and he'd probably been faking for as long as he could before the facade cracked.

It never got better. The best advice I received was hard to take: when people want to leave, let them. There was lots of "But he promised!" and "we swore vows" and "doesn't he care about his kids?! How could he do this to them" and ultimately, it was all a bunch of wasted time, trying to postpone the inevitable.

We've lived separately for years. it's not great, but at least my kids and I aren't regularly exposed to his petulant, self-absorbed nonsense. Get out while you can, OP. If he decides to give a damn later, make him work hard to regain trust. But don't count on it. Some men are all about themselves, even if they try to pretend to not be, and get away with it for a very long time. You'll probably see, in retrospect, all the ways he "temporarily checked out" before fully committing to leaving.

When people want to leave, let them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really rather him just leave me.

He probably is having an affair despite denying it. I just don’t get it.

He can go and be happy with wherever. I’ll be fine.

But he cannot do this to our kids. This is the man who would turn down buddy trips to take his kids camping.

Who is this man?

And what is your excuse? Why are you waiting for him to make the decision? Your shock can only last so long- it sounds like it's been a month now. What exactly is going on down in the basement? Others have suggested checking out his phone/laptop/you could install a nanny cam in the basement etc etc. You have literally done nothing. Please make a plan. Make sure you collect evidence or protect yourself financially.

At your next therapy appt, state the obvious- that you are worried something organic/physical is going on and you want to rule that out before giving up. But if he isn't going to follow up and rule out issues/he doesn't care, then the next topic is the children- why he doesn't even care that he doesn't care about the kids any longer. What have his responses been with the therapist on that topic? Honestly this would take up all my time in therapy in this case- discussing the impact on the kids of suddenly being ignored and disengaged. If he stays silent and your therapist continues to state the obvious- then you have to make the choice as the only engaged member of the relationship-Then you leave.

Liberate yourself. Stop waiting for liberation.

It’s been maybe two months, not years.

Does everyone go straight to spying on your spouse?

I’m puzzled at how quickly people around to encourage OP to drop a 12 year relationship with 3 kids for 6 weeks of problems.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really rather him just leave me.

He probably is having an affair despite denying it. I just don’t get it.

He can go and be happy with wherever. I’ll be fine.

But he cannot do this to our kids. This is the man who would turn down buddy trips to take his kids camping.

Who is this man?

And what is your excuse? Why are you waiting for him to make the decision? Your shock can only last so long- it sounds like it's been a month now. What exactly is going on down in the basement? Others have suggested checking out his phone/laptop/you could install a nanny cam in the basement etc etc. You have literally done nothing. Please make a plan. Make sure you collect evidence or protect yourself financially.

At your next therapy appt, state the obvious- that you are worried something organic/physical is going on and you want to rule that out before giving up. But if he isn't going to follow up and rule out issues/he doesn't care, then the next topic is the children- why he doesn't even care that he doesn't care about the kids any longer. What have his responses been with the therapist on that topic? Honestly this would take up all my time in therapy in this case- discussing the impact on the kids of suddenly being ignored and disengaged. If he stays silent and your therapist continues to state the obvious- then you have to make the choice as the only engaged member of the relationship-Then you leave.

Liberate yourself. Stop waiting for liberation.

It’s been maybe two months, not years.

Does everyone go straight to spying on your spouse?

The echo chamber in this forum is pretty specific.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really rather him just leave me.

He probably is having an affair despite denying it. I just don’t get it.

He can go and be happy with wherever. I’ll be fine.

But he cannot do this to our kids. This is the man who would turn down buddy trips to take his kids camping.

Who is this man?

And what is your excuse? Why are you waiting for him to make the decision? Your shock can only last so long- it sounds like it's been a month now. What exactly is going on down in the basement? Others have suggested checking out his phone/laptop/you could install a nanny cam in the basement etc etc. You have literally done nothing. Please make a plan. Make sure you collect evidence or protect yourself financially.

At your next therapy appt, state the obvious- that you are worried something organic/physical is going on and you want to rule that out before giving up. But if he isn't going to follow up and rule out issues/he doesn't care, then the next topic is the children- why he doesn't even care that he doesn't care about the kids any longer. What have his responses been with the therapist on that topic? Honestly this would take up all my time in therapy in this case- discussing the impact on the kids of suddenly being ignored and disengaged. If he stays silent and your therapist continues to state the obvious- then you have to make the choice as the only engaged member of the relationship-Then you leave.

Liberate yourself. Stop waiting for liberation.

It’s been maybe two months, not years.

Does everyone go straight to spying on your spouse?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really rather him just leave me.

He probably is having an affair despite denying it. I just don’t get it.

He can go and be happy with wherever. I’ll be fine.

But he cannot do this to our kids. This is the man who would turn down buddy trips to take his kids camping.

Who is this man?

And what is your excuse? Why are you waiting for him to make the decision? Your shock can only last so long- it sounds like it's been a month now. What exactly is going on down in the basement? Others have suggested checking out his phone/laptop/you could install a nanny cam in the basement etc etc. You have literally done nothing. Please make a plan. Make sure you collect evidence or protect yourself financially.

At your next therapy appt, state the obvious- that you are worried something organic/physical is going on and you want to rule that out before giving up. But if he isn't going to follow up and rule out issues/he doesn't care, then the next topic is the children- why he doesn't even care that he doesn't care about the kids any longer. What have his responses been with the therapist on that topic? Honestly this would take up all my time in therapy in this case- discussing the impact on the kids of suddenly being ignored and disengaged. If he stays silent and your therapist continues to state the obvious- then you have to make the choice as the only engaged member of the relationship-Then you leave.

Liberate yourself. Stop waiting for liberation.

This, OP. You said that you’ve been going to therapy and sitting there crying. Stop. Give him a deadline to get evaluated for depression. If he chooses to ignore then let him know he needs to move out.

+1. People saying “just leave” haven’t been through this. You have to disrupt this dynamic. Otherwise he will keep sleeping in the basement and gamely nodding while you cry in therapy. The evidence is always there if you look hard enough. I know you don’t want to find anything, I didn’t either. It was actually a relief when I did. I wasn’t crazy, he had to fess up, and I stopped living in misery.

I’ve been there OP. As others have said, look into his phone, credit card(s), track his location. Do you know his phone passcode? You need to determine if there is an affair or addiction before confronting him. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Plan things for just you and the kids. Go out with girlfriends. Pick up a new hobby.
Hugs

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT, OP. We were married 15 years with two kids. He had a massive midlife crisis. He didn’t have an affair but did a lot of other cliche things. He went from being dutiful and on all the time to not giving a crap and talking about his new needs. He was extremely angry and hostile. Basically, under stress his childhood trauma and other issues came out, and he cracked.

I agree that you need to mentally prepare for divorce. Get a lawyer and a therapist. He is no longer your partner. We wasted time with several couples therapists and though I wouldn’t have done it differently (had to feel I tried everything) it was pointless.

My theory is that he was always pretty self centered and for a short time identified his “self” with having a family/ being a husband, but when he realized it really involved un-selfing and being there for others he couldn’t hold it together.

Wait, no affair, addiction, or abuse, but a mid-life crisis with roots in childhood trauma, and you bailed?

The root cause ultimately doesn’t matter. If he wasn’t willing to commit to improving as a partner and father, she did the right thing.

Brain tumor?

Anonymous wrote:BTDT, OP. We were married 15 years with two kids. He had a massive midlife crisis. He didn’t have an affair but did a lot of other cliche things. He went from being dutiful and on all the time to not giving a crap and talking about his new needs. He was extremely angry and hostile. Basically, under stress his childhood trauma and other issues came out, and he cracked.

I agree that you need to mentally prepare for divorce. Get a lawyer and a therapist. He is no longer your partner. We wasted time with several couples therapists and though I wouldn’t have done it differently (had to feel I tried everything) it was pointless.

My theory is that he was always pretty self centered and for a short time identified his “self” with having a family/ being a husband, but when he realized it really involved un-selfing and being there for others he couldn’t hold it together.

Wait, no affair, addiction, or abuse, but a mid-life crisis with roots in childhood trauma, and you bailed?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know how often you've used this forum in the past, OP, but be aware that comments here will always skew VERY heavily in favor of "He's cheating." And people will assert with 100 percent certainty that they know your DH is cheating when they cannot know that. I am not saying he's not cheating. I'm saying that not every problem like you describe is automatically rooted in cheating. This site pushes a narrative that it's always, always cheating. Just know that, and consider other causes,once you rule cheating out.

This directly contradicts what the person who posted about her husband's phone being paused in odd places said. She came back recently to say that her husband was cheating and too many DCUMers tried to come up with innocent or non-cheating explanations.

That person you're citing is not OP. I am addressing OP. The intense insistence on DCUM that what OP describes simply must must must be cheating, and can only be cheating, could cause her to dismiss other possibilities. I was clear: Yes this could be cheating. But a behavioral change as sudden as she describes can have a lot of other potential causes.